naive non-BDSM person seeking advice from BDSM crowd

[Guest]

Hello all,

I wasn't sure in which forum to post this, but figured this was my best bet. I have a question that I think only someone familiar with BDSM would be able to answer, but it requires a small amount of context.

First, I am not familiar with BDSM, and don't have much of a desire to be. So I was very surprised to come across a person (no pun intended) who, at some point, asked me to inflict pain upon him during sex. He is not familiar with BDSM, either. However, it became very clear that he enjoys a little bit of pain. He wanted me to scratch him, pinch him, be rough with him, etc. Nothing too outlandish, but as I'm not used to that I found it very difficult to inflict pain upon another person without feeling horrible about it. When I asked him why he likes the pain he said it heightens his sensation of pleasure.

Now here is my question: I don't doubt the sincerity of his answer. However, I happen to know that when he was a child his father beat the shit out of him, routinely. I wonder if his past abuse has something to do with his need to feel pain in order to "feel" other things. Also, as a person who cringes at the thought of inflicting pain upon another, I would never be able to indulge him beyond some biting, scratching, and pinching, maybe light spanking. And even doing those things feels wrong to me. I would certainly never beat the guy or damage him in any way. But I wonder if even the light pain that he asks for isn't somehow doing him psychological harm (because of his past experiences with his father).

Can someone please enlighten me? (please keep in mind I am unfamiliar with BDSM, so assume that I don't know any basic information about any of this). I want the guy to be happy, but I don't want to do any sort of psychological damage to him. Any advice, insight, info, etc would be appreciated.

Sincerely,
Owera

 

[AngelicAssassin]

...When I asked him why he likes the pain he said it heightens his sensation of pleasure ... Can someone please enlighten me? (please keep in mind I am unfamiliar with BDSM, so assume that I don't know any basic information about any of this). I want the guy to be happy, but I don't want to do any sort of psychological damage to him. Any advice, insight, info, etc would be appreciated.

Sincerely,
Owera

First of all, the resident librarian will probably point you at the pertinent links in library.

Second, my sincere appreciation for showing class in the way you asked your question. i'll leave it up to the rest of this zoo's inhabitants to explain.

Third, and more pertinent, not all masochists have domestic abuse in their backgrounds, but since you mentioned he has, he might have played an internal mind game to cope with an apparent lack of parental affection.

Last, and the sharpest razor to walk, if this partner enjoys the pain, would you be doing him a disservice to deny him? If all he wants is a little spice, i'd venture you won't cause him any more damage than his parent already inflicted. The best thing for the two of you, and i hear the choir tuning up for this oft repeated phrase, requires you to sit down and speak frankly to one another about his desire. Get it all out in the open. Neither of you will second guess the intent or agenda behind the other's actions after that long talk.

 

[Guest]

First of all, the resident librarian will probably point you at the pertinent links in library.

Second, my sincere appreciation for showing class in the way you asked your question. i'll leave it up to the rest of this zoo's inhabitants to explain.

Third, and more pertinent, not all masochists have domestic abuse in their backgrounds, but since you mentioned he has, he might have played an internal mind game to cope with an apparent lack of parental affection.

Last, and the sharpest razor to walk, if this partner enjoys the pain, would you be doing him a disservice to deny him? If all he wants is a little spice, i'd venture you won't cause him any more damage than his parent already inflicted. The best thing for the two of you, and i hear the choir tuning up for this oft repeated phrase, requires you to sit down and speak frankly to one another about his desire. Get it all out in the open. Neither of you will second guess the intent or agenda behind the other's actions after that long talk.

Thank you for taking the time to respond. I have no doubt that he enjoys it when I give him what he asks for. It's very clear, by his response, that he prefers having a little pain with his sex. He doesn't ask for that all the time, and can enjoy sex without it, but it is something he likes. And even though I hate doing it to him, I give it (pain) to him when he asks for it because I know that he likes it. I tried to talk with him about it, but part of the complication here is that he's from a country where... erm... how to put this nicely... sex is not discussed, at all, in any context. So sometimes he can't explain to me what it is he's feeling or why (because culturally, he has no basis, no framework in which to talk about it). He is unaware of many sexual possibilities (including BDSM). But like anyone, he knows what he likes/doesn't like. I guess my concern here is that I don't want to develop a relationship with him in which he only feels loved by me when I inflict pain upon him. That is NOT what I want to happen. I tried to talk about this with him, but he himself isn't quite sure what's going on (psychologically). I do know that the only attention he ever got from his father is when the guy beat him. I don't want him to try to replicate that kind of relationship with me because I love him all the time, unconditionally, and I don't want him to associate my love with pain.

I will definitely check a library.

Again, thank you for your post. I appreciate it.

 

[D's mariposa]

Good questions, Owera. First off, damn fine job on how you're handling this.

People come to bdsm for very different reasons. Part of your lover's desire for pain during lovemaking might come his past abuse. However, not every one who suffers abuse becomes kinky, bdsm-wise, and not all masochists or subs come from abusive backgrounds. If you love him and want to stay with him in the longterm, you do need to talk this over with him.

Now then, I'm not a shrink, and I don't play one on TV! (Sorry, bad joke, but I couldn't resist!) Most likely, you're not going to cause him any permanent physical damage by biting, scratching or light spanking, and for a great many people that is enough. What I mean is, some masochists don't require a lot of pain to get off. Some of us do, but a lot of us don't.

Psychologically, you're dealing with a land mine. So I asked a sub who's been through some of this stuff before. She says, "he probably wouldn't be asking for pain if he wasn't ready for it and if it still hurt in a not good way, unless he was in some sort of denial about his past. It doesn't sound like he is though." It sounds like psychologically, he is okay with it, so you're probably safe.

As for your discomfort, take some time to think about it. Is it just that you don't like hurting people? Will it hurt him more or less to deny his request? Do you disapprove of bdsm in general, or is just not your kink? If there's some disapproval on some level, he's probably picking up on it, even a subconscious one. In which case, denying his request may hurt him more, emotionally. The disapproval may feel like rejection, and rejection hurts!

It sounds like you're on the right track, by analyzing how you feel and how he feels and seeking more info. The forum regulars here are usually quite helpful. Sooner or later though, you're going to have to sit him down and see where you both are on this, and handle your relationship appropriately. I'm not saying you have to end it or anything if you can't work out his need for pain and your problems with giving it. I know a sweet masochist who has a vanilla girlfriend who can't give him the pain he needs so he also sees a sadistic Domme. They all know each other and get along great. Holidays are a trip at his house though! If you're open to polyamory, this might be a good solution.

I'm singing the same song as AA again.

 

[AngelicAssassin]

... sex is not discussed, at all, in any context. So sometimes he can't explain to me what it is he's feeling or why (because culturally, he has no basis, no framework in which to talk about it). He is unaware of many sexual possibilities (including BDSM). But like anyone, he knows what he likes/doesn't like. I guess my concern here is that I don't want to develop a relationship with him in which he only feels loved by me when I inflict pain upon him. That is NOT what I want to happen. I tried to talk about this with him, but he himself isn't quite sure what's going on (psychologically). I do know that the only attention he ever got from his father is when the guy beat him. I don't want him to try to replicate that kind of relationship with me because I love him all the time, unconditionally, and I don't want him to associate my love with pain.

Time to check the culture at the door. Yes, i know that sounds idealistic, but personal satisfaction and happiness drive the car in healthy individuals, not upbringing. If his eyeballs spin, (if you speak to him and say just that) remind him that upbringing gets you to adulthood. What you do after that rests on the individual shoulders, not the culture.

I will definitely check a library.

Actually, i referred to the library at the top of this forum. i know threads exist with real human perspective, not that of a researcher, nor a shrink looking to make money concerning something never experienced. i'm not attempting to dissuade your mainstream search, but you'll find "straight from the horses mouth" from those that have experienced things beats the hell out of pontificating talking heads with rectal cranial infarction.

Again, thank you for your post. I appreciate it.

Quite welcome. Anytime.

 

[Guest]

Good questions, Owera. First off, damn fine job on how you're handling this.

People come to bdsm for very different reasons. Part of your lover's desire for pain during lovemaking might come his past abuse. However, not every one who suffers abuse becomes kinky, bdsm-wise, and not all masochists or subs come from abusive backgrounds. If you love him and want to stay with him in the longterm, you do need to talk this over with him.

Now then, I'm not a shrink, and I don't play one on TV! (Sorry, bad joke, but I couldn't resist!) Most likely, you're not going to cause him any permanent physical damage by biting, scratching or light spanking, and for a great many people that is enough. What I mean is, some masochists don't require a lot of pain to get off. Some of us do, but a lot of us don't.

Psychologically, you're dealing with a land mine. So I asked a sub who's been through some of this stuff before. She says, "he probably wouldn't be asking for pain if he wasn't ready for it and if it still hurt in a not good way, unless he was in some sort of denial about his past. It doesn't sound like he is though." It sounds like psychologically, he is okay with it, so you're probably safe.

As for your discomfort, take some time to think about it. Is it just that you don't like hurting people? Will it hurt him more or less to deny his request? Do you disapprove of bdsm in general, or is just not your kink? If there's some disapproval on some level, he's probably picking up on it, even a subconscious one. In which case, denying his request may hurt him more, emotionally. The disapproval may feel like rejection, and rejection hurts!

It sounds like you're on the right track, by analyzing how you feel and how he feels and seeking more info. The forum regulars here are usually quite helpful. Sooner or later though, you're going to have to sit him down and see where you both are on this, and handle your relationship appropriately. I'm not saying you have to end it or anything if you can't work out his need for pain and your problems with giving it. I know a sweet masochist who has a vanilla girlfriend who can't give him the pain he needs so he also sees a sadistic Domme. They all know each other and get along great. Holidays are a trip at his house though! If you're open to polyamory, this might be a good solution.

I'm singing the same song as AA again.

Thank you for your post, and special thanks for asking a sub who's been through similar experiences. I think you're right: I don't think he would've asked for the pain if he wasn't ready for it. I'm glad, though, that you mentioned some people liking a lot of pain, whereas others are happy with a certain small level of it. He's never asked me to do anythign that would be horribly painful, and I'm hoping (for my own, selfish sake) that he doesn't because I wouldn't be able to give that to him. I was unaware that some people are happy with small amounts of pain. For some reason I was under the impression that once someone starts looking for pain during sex he would want more and more--sort of build up a tolerance and require more intense pain as time passes. Thanks for making me aware that this isn't necessarily true.

As for myself, I don't approve/disapprove of the BDSM lifestyle. I don't really know enough about it to form much of an opinion on it. I think it's just not my personal kink. For me, the idea of wanting pain during sex has never entered my mind, nor has the idea of hurting someone else. Neither (for me) seem enjoyable. However, I care about this person, and am willing to feel uncomfortable inflicting small amounts of pain because he asks for it, he enjoys it, and it doesn't seem to do any physical damage to him. I told him I was concerned about causing damage, about hurting him, and he says not to worry about it, that I'm not really hurting him, that I'm not causing damage, etc. That makes me feel better about it.
I don't disapprove of his desire for pain. I just feel uncomfortable inflicting it. I just don't like hurting people. But I can do it for him because I know he craves it.

I don't think he'd want a third person involved (i.e. a dominant person to satisfy him). That would probably upset him. Again, I think that would be for cultural reasons. I could be wrong, though.

 

[Guest]

Time to check the culture at the door. Yes, i know that sounds idealistic, but personal satisfaction and happiness drive the car in healthy individuals, not upbringing. If his eyeballs spin, (if you speak to him and say just that) remind him that upbringing gets you to adulthood. What you do after that rests on the individual shoulders, not the culture.

Um... I would normally agree with you, except this is a rather... unusual case. He's from a very rural place, in which it isn't a matter of certain sexual behavior being labeled as deviant, or negative, or immoral (or whichever word one might choose). It's more a matter of sex and sexual behavior being suppressed, kept as absent as possible from people's lives. There's very little idea about sex, other than what people know by watching their farm animals (don't laugh--I'm serious). Hopefully this will turn out to work in the guy's favor, since he wouldn't (one assumes) have any negative bias. I guess I'm feeling protective (perhaps I'm even being a little patronizing without realizing it).

Actually, i referred to the library at the top of this forum. i know threads exist with real human perspective, not that of a researcher, nor a shrink looking to make money concerning something never experienced. i'm not attempting to dissuade your mainstream search, but you'll find "straight from the horses mouth" from those that have experienced things beats the hell out of pontificating talking heads with rectal cranial infarction.Quite welcome. Anytime.

Oh... I see. You have a good point--I'd take real experience over theoretical mumbo jumbo anyday. Some thigns are interesting to talk about, but for practicallity nothing beats real life testimonies.

By the way--thanks to everyone who has responded to my query. I appreciate your sincere responses. I have to admit I was a bit afraid that people might not be so kind about my question.

 

[Marquis]

Well you've made it a point to emphasize how non-BDSM you are, so I'm inferring that maybe you're kind of on the conservative side sexually.

The man wants you to pinch and scratch him, who invited Freud? I get serious pleasure out of leading a woman on a collar like a dog and the only K9 I ever had was curried.

 

[Vixandra]

I do believe that AA and D's Mariposa have hit the nail on the head reguarding BDSM and his desires so I'll leave that alone.

I did notice that you said you didn't want him to associate affection from you with being hurt or having pain caused. Completely understandable.

I would recommend being physically and verbally demonstrative in showing affection for him- the occasional errant caress and whispered "I love you" can mean so much, even if it seems like a small gesture. Reinforce the qualities that drew you to him- be it his humor, beautiful eyes, whatever as well as the things that keep you with him, the new discoveries that couples make about each other.

Ask him about his happiest memory and share yours with him in return.

And after a sex session that you've marked him up, cuddle afterwards with words of love and appreciation, etc.

In a way, you're not hurting him by scratching/biting during sex- you're pushing his proverbial buttons. Some men love to have thier ears licked, others love to be bitten, nothing wrong with that. Could be just the way he's wired or could be a learned behavior. Either way, its something he enjoys that brings him pleasure.
You could try working up to it- light nibbles inbetween kisses and licks. The skin of the neck and shoulders are pretty sensative and don't, in my experiance, need a lot of bite-pressure to get a reaction with.

Good luck and thank you for being so open minded.

 

[Guest]

Well you've made it a point to emphasize how non-BDSM you are, so I'm inferring that maybe you're kind of on the conservative side sexually.

The man wants you to pinch and scratch him, who invited Freud? I get serious pleasure out of leading a woman on a collar like a dog and the only K9 I ever had was curried.

Thanks for the post.
I'm not at all conservative about sex. I'm bisexual, I've tried all sorts of things, but for some reason I never had an interest in pain (either giving or receiving it). I don't know why. But you're absolutely right: if the guy wants some pain then that's what he wants. I'm just concerned about harming the guy (psychologically--I'd never harm him physically). But you all make good points, and perhaps it's time that I assume (regardless of what his cultural background is) that he knows what's best for him. Perhaps I am being patronizing by worrying whether what he wants is safe for him.

Thanks to all for helping me figure this one out.

 

[Guest]

I do believe that AA and D's Mariposa have hit the nail on the head reguarding BDSM and his desires so I'll leave that alone.

I did notice that you said you didn't want him to associate affection from you with being hurt or having pain caused. Completely understandable.

I would recommend being physically and verbally demonstrative in showing affection for him- the occasional errant caress and whispered "I love you" can mean so much, even if it seems like a small gesture. Reinforce the qualities that drew you to him- be it his humor, beautiful eyes, whatever as well as the things that keep you with him, the new discoveries that couples make about each other.

Ask him about his happiest memory and share yours with him in return.

And after a sex session that you've marked him up, cuddle afterwards with words of love and appreciation, etc.

In a way, you're not hurting him by scratching/biting during sex- you're pushing his proverbial buttons. Some men love to have thier ears licked, others love to be bitten, nothing wrong with that. Could be just the way he's wired or could be a learned behavior. Either way, its something he enjoys that brings him pleasure.
You could try working up to it- light nibbles inbetween kisses and licks. The skin of the neck and shoulders are pretty sensative and don't, in my experiance, need a lot of bite-pressure to get a reaction with.

Good luck and thank you for being so open minded.

Thank you, Vixandra. This is a very good suggestion. I'll be sure to do this, so that he knows I love him all the time, regardless of what goes on or what we do or don't do.

 

[Marquis]

Thanks for the post.
I'm not at all conservative about sex. I'm bisexual, I've tried all sorts of things, but for some reason I never had an interest in pain (either giving or receiving it). I don't know why. But you're absolutely right: if the guy wants some pain then that's what he wants. I'm just concerned about harming the guy (psychologically--I'd never harm him physically). But you all make good points, and perhaps it's time that I assume (regardless of what his cultural background is) that he knows what's best for him. Perhaps I am being patronizing by worrying whether what he wants is safe for him.

Thanks to all for helping me figure this one out.

You know, in my experience I've noticed that those who find asserting dominance distasteful often have submissive streaks of their own.

KC, get this woman a chair.

 

[Guest]

You know, in my experience I've noticed that those who find asserting dominance distasteful often have submissive streaks of their own.

KC, get this woman a chair.

And you would be right about that Only I don't like having physical pain inflicted upon me. I'm more of a person who enjoys some occasional rough-handling, but nothing that actually hurts.

 

[sunfox]

You know, in my experience I've noticed that those who find asserting dominance distasteful often have submissive streaks of their own.

KC, get this woman a chair.

Marquis, don't make me slap you. Owera said she doesn't want to hurt him, not that she's uncomfortable with feeling dominating. Not wanting to harm someone doesn't make you submissive.

 

[Marquis]

And you would be right about that Only I don't like having physical pain inflicted upon me. I'm more of a person who enjoys some occasional rough-handling, but nothing that actually hurts.

That's where it all starts babe. Check out my pic thread in about 10 minutes and tell me what you think.

My thread

 

[incubus'_sub]

Owera, I'm inclined to agree with Marquis' take on this. I think if your boyfriend has asked for a bit of pain, then he's not quite as uptight about sex as you think. He likes it & what's more he knows he likes it & was happy to request it. You won't hurt his mind or body so don't worry about that.

What you do have to worry about, in my opinion, is a sexual mismatch. He likes it, you hate it, that's not going to change with reading or learning. You love him, so you do what you hate to make him happy. That will work for a while but only until he stops being happy that you are just trying to please him & realises that he needs you to want to do it because if you don't then your heart's not in it & that takes away the pleasure from him. Alternatively you will stop it because you hate it & he'll be without that little extra that makes it special for him. Either way, someone is not having their true needs met. In my experience those needs never go away & eventually the cracks form which eat away at the rest of the relationship. Sorry to be so blunt & of course the decisions will be up to both of you.

 

[Marquis]

LOL,

come to the dark side...

 

[Netzach]

I'm going to say something boring and pseudoscientific about neuroreceptors, which I am totally unqualified to hold forth on, except anecdotally as I make my living and my lust playing with them.

What person A experiences as painful, person B may experience as intense pleasure. It is quite possible that your lover considers what his dad did to him, especially due to the context it was done in...to be pain. While the things he's asking for or looking for in the context of love and sex, especially, to simply be erotic. Like having a nipple sucked or a cock stroked, only a bit harder.

 

[Mr Blonde]

It is a coin toss if this is the extent of his desires or only the tip of the iceberg. He might have already been fully candid with you or he might be minimizing what he really wants. It is possible he is disguising his true nature and will ask for much, much more in the near future. That is something you have to judge based on what you know about the man.

As for whether desires naturally "grow" over time, they tend to increase in relationships that are strongly based on sex. If you have a multi-faceted relationship and share a wide variety of interests, then it is less likely that a certain kinky desire will become a fixation. You are the best judge of how narrow or diverse your relationship is.

 

[Guest]

All excellent posts. Thank you.

Netzach, you make a very good point--one which had never occurred to me. You might be right about this because whenever Iask, "Are you sure it's okay? Are you sure I'm not hurting you?" he insists that he's fine and that I can even do whatever it is harder and it won't hurt him. And the more I think about it, considering the type of life he's had and the type of work he did/does, he's probably used to a lot of physical pain on a daily basis, and most likely doesn't pay it any heed. Perhaps, due to the nature of the physical labor he's done most of his life, it's a possibility that his ability to sense things is somewhat dulled--in much the same way I can touch hot things on the stove without it burning me--years of doing that sort of thing dulls the senses there, or it becomes a type of pain that the brain ignores. I think you're right: I think this particular person has a rather high tolerance of pain, and most of the things another might find painful are probably just stimulating to him. Also, I never considered the possibility of classifying pain into types and associating different types with different things. But that makes a lot of sense. You're probably right that he doesn't associate anything I do with him to be similar to what his father did. If so, that's a load off my mind!

To everyone else, I really don't know what kind of direction this relationship will go in. Knowing what I now know from Netzach, I don't think I'll be squeamish about "hurting" him anymore. I know this is a horrible thing to say, but I'm now thinking about it in the same way I think about the difference between horses and cats. If you pet a cat lightly it's happy. But if you pet a horse lightly it perceives it as a tickle and it gets irritated, so you have to use a much heavier hand. People who are not used to dealing with horses are afraid to pet them roughly because they think they are hurting them, even though the horse is happy. I think this may be a similar situation. If it turns out that he needs more than that, though, I think I'll either have to bring in a third party to keep him (and myself) happy, or we'll have to go our separate ways.

This brings me to the last thing I want to say, which is that I won't be "joining the dark side" any time soon Sorry. It's just not for me. If I had a different personality I might be interested, but the personality I have doesn't mix well with BDSM. That's just me. I think it's great for people who enjoy it, but I'm fairly certain I wouldn't enjoy it so it doesn't work for me.

Again, thanks to all for your advice. You've helped me and another person out tremendously.

 

[Netzach]

I'm glad that helped. I'm not just trying to make it digestible for you -- you know what you are comfortable with and not and you know your own boundaries, but a lot of my own comfort and interest in SM has been dependent on realizing that this is a kind of facilitation we can provide for one another, not a kind of abuse.

I do think that SM is something that people do along a big continuum, and that most people have actually participated in fetishistic sex on some level, whether it was with light bondage, light spanking, squirting silly strings on each other or something a lot more dedicated and elaborate. I am not normally a fan of the book, but I really do feel that Devon and Miller address the "pain processing" issues I was talking about very well and in depth in "Screw the Roses, Send me the Thorns." and they articulate the experience of the bottom/masochist and what happens to the brain chemistry of a person in a scene really well -- they explain *why* it may feel good to the bottom to have these wicked things done and they explain it well.
Not everyone goes on to need more sensation in greater doses, although it is possible, I will be honest, that your lover may express these interests. A lot of masochists even refer to things you or I would consider very intense as "sensation" and not as "pain" at all.

 

[AngelicAssassin]

... you know what you are comfortable with and not and you know your own boundaries, but a lot of my own comfort and interest in SM has been dependent on realizing that this is a kind of facilitation we can provide for one another, not a kind of abuse.

I really do feel that Devon and Miller address the "pain processing" issues I was talking about very well and in depth in "Screw the Roses, Send me the Thorns." and they articulate the experience of the bottom/masochist and what happens to the brain chemistry of a person in a scene really well -- they explain *why* it may feel good to the bottom to have these wicked things done and they explain it well.

Not everyone goes on to need more sensation in greater doses, although it is possible, I will be honest, that your lover may express these interests. A lot of masochists even refer to things you or I would consider very intense as "sensation" and not as "pain" at all.

Congrats, QB, on presenting two excellent points, one based on perception, and the other based on communication.

Without going into an involved discussion, Owera, i'd like to emphasize again sitting down and talking with your partner. The initiation of the talk lets your partner know you have misgivings concerning his requests. That in itself will go a long ways in getting him to open up about what he wants. Tell him what you think you do to him. Give him a chance to respond with what he feels, physically and otherwise. Listen very carefully to what he has to say. If the two perceptions don't match, you two aren't reading the same sheet of music.

Re the other comments, continue the conversation. Ask him what else he would like you to do if you consented to whatever he wished. For want of a better analogy, kick the door to closet down and drag out all the skeletons, boogie men, and other things that go bump in the dark of your minds. Get them all out in the open and examine them. If something disturbs the hell out of you, tell him so. Tell him why it bothers you, then give him his chance to explain his side.

If you take the opportunity to peruse the library in depth, you'll note folks speak of hard/soft limits and negotiating with a partner for what is acceptable/unacceptable behavior. What pops up occasionally is how those limits change over time. i don't fault you for not wishing to cause permanent mental or physical harm to your partner. i'd simply suggest you sit down with him and find out his side. You both might be surprised what comes out of the other person's mind/mouth. What you think a hard limit for you now might change to soft when you realize how he handles the act.

Lastly, most of us that indulge in pain play have gone through the transition from "nice, (politically correct) people don't hit others" to the perv side. Some of us play hard, some soft, but most of us didn't wake up one morning and say "Today is the day i beat the daylights out of someone, and get off while doing so." If you ask any of the hard players here (even 'Cisco), you'll find the post-game wrap-up had a touch of the guilts following the first few times. Take your time, talk things out thoroughly with your partner beforehand, and (depending on your bent) spend a lot of cuddle time together afterwards.

Best of luck regardless.

 

[Marquis]

you'll find the post-game wrap-up had a touch of the guilts following the first few times.

Or years.

 

[D's mariposa]

Thank you for your post, and special thanks for asking a sub who's been through similar experiences. I think you're right: I don't think he would've asked for the pain if he wasn't ready for it. I'm glad, though, that you mentioned some people liking a lot of pain, whereas others are happy with a certain small level of it. He's never asked me to do anything that would be horribly painful, and I'm hoping (for my own, selfish sake) that he doesn't because I wouldn't be able to give that to him. I was unaware that some people are happy with small amounts of pain. For some reason I was under the impression that once someone starts looking for pain during sex he would want more and more--sort of build up a tolerance and require more intense pain as time passes. Thanks for making me aware that this isn't necessarily true.

You're welcome. I'm fairly involved in the kink community here, so I'm usually able to poll the audience on almost anything. I did email a Dom who's done this sort of thing, but he hasn't got back to me yet as he's out of town right now. I'm not sure what insights he'll have since he is a sadist and Dom and he's coming at it from a different angle than you are, as he is most definitely comfortable with giving the pain he needs. AA makes a very good point that most sadists go through a period where they, too have to adjust to their desires. There's a lot of social conditioning they have to get around to deal with their love of inflicting pain. It becomes a love/hate relationship with your inner beast.

Now then, the pain thing.

Most masochists do build up a tolerance to pain. But it's not really the amount, or severity of the pain that gets us off sometimes. It's just the pain. Sometimes, Sir flogs or crops or straps me just enough to spice the orgasmic stew. Sometimes, he decided to go for the gold and see how much I can take. The lust, the big O, the sexual satisfaction is just as good either way. Some people stay at the level of just enough pain to heighten the awareness. Our usual level of pain really is quite mild, and if he never went for the scary beatings again, our sex life would still be just as satisfying. In fact, I find it quite funny that 3 years into this, I'm the one scaring the Newbs ( at snowy!) at the dungeon parties. But we don't do that all the time! My body couldn't take it, neither could his arm. I can just see my Dr. (who is kink aware) diagnosing "floggers elbow" and laughing.

I had a point here somewhere. Where the hell did I put it?

Ahh, right there. For a lot of us, it's not the pain level that gets us off, it's the pain. Experiment a little, as soon as you're ready and I bet you'll find a happy medium.

 

[sigsauerprinces]

i've read five of the replies so far and i'm going to add this before it slips my mind and then read the rest, so forgive me if someone else said this already.

you say that it makes you uncomfortable to give him "pain". this is just an idea, but it might help you feel more comfortable about doing it if you thought of it as some BDSM-ers do (and as your partner may too), that it's just strong sensation. when my partner bites, scratches, pulls hair ect, i wouldnt even consider it pain (we do heavier stuff as well), its just strong sensation to me. i've explained it this way to some of my non-bdsm friends: once in a while, you've wanted your bf to push you up against a wall and kiss you a bit roughly, no? and once in a while you like when he sucks your neck just a little bit harder than usual, making a hickey appear? and once in a while you like it when he runs his nails down your back, just enough for a light scratching sensation? you dont think of those things as painful-well to some bdsmers, the biting, heavier scratching ect isnt considered painful. its just strong sensation, which mixes with the feelings of sexual pleasure and arousal-and when you mix them together, WOW its not like youre taking a two by four and beating his ass with it. youre giving him the strong sensation that he enjoys so much

the others on this forum have already given some wise and good advice, and i dont have anything else to add on that level. you obviously love this guy and want to stay with him and are willing to compromise to make the relationship work. and i think thats wonderful. but i hate the image of you giving this man the sensation that he needs while you inwardly cringe at what you're doing-thats why i decided to reply. you arent doing anything extreme (tho i realize you have no experience in this and to you, right now it's seeming extreme). in time, maybe you can come to see it from a different point of view and not feel uncomfortable giving him what he needs...or perhaps, as you look at him and see his happiness and satisfaction and pleasure at what you're doing, actually come to enjoy giving it to him.