My weird mind

[bluntforcemama]

I'm both intrigued and repelled by the BDSM lifestyle. Here's the story:

I love being submissive in bed, I like being tied up and ravished, used, spanked, fucked. I don't want the kind of pain that I see some couples administering. I think the extent of my arousal due to pain would be limited to spanking (with a hand). I know that I don't like being treated as anything less than an equal out of bed, though. I won't submit to decisions I don't agree with, even if I trust my partner. I won't say "Sir," or think in submissive/Master terms, etc. In effect, I guess it's not the lifestyle I choose. I suppose I just want the sexual side of it. Is that wrong? I think deep down I want a man that could make me feel comfortable with idea of being submissive sexually, but not in the other aspects of life. A man that was willing to take control to a certain extent, but I don't know where that line is that needs to be drawn. I know my current partner is far from a Master, in and out of the sack, but he's not submissive, either. He treats me equally and makes sex enjoyable to me, just not the passionate way I fantasize about.

I realize that sex is not everything, but sometimes it feels like it is, like is has to be. I don't know if my hormones are running amuck, or if I'm a borderline nympho. So how do I stress the importance (or maybe it shouldn't be that important) of wanting to be sexually satisfied in the way I dream of? I don't know if my partner would be receptive to the idea.

Advice for the young?

 

[alltherage]

Open discusion would seem to be the best way but it would seem to me that asking to be ravaged in bed is much less satisfying that having it happen naturally. I would suggest steering your partner gradually toward a more dominant role in bed. Respond eagerly at the hints of his dominance which might appear naturally. I think if he has it in him you can bring it out of him. I wonder how long you've been together, what kind of communication there is etc. You might just start talking about growing within the relationship in general and sexually before your next love making session. This might perk and interest and make him more open to new things.

 

[cellis]

Myst...

I don't know if you can talk to your partner or not, but that seems to be the most logical first step. You might want to just start off talking about your fantasies with him. I don't mean to say that you can turn him into a Dom if he is not one, but let him know how much it excites you to think about being tied up. You might want to just try that with him first, before you approach him about the spanking...

But talk to him about how you feel...

 

[EvilBrat74]

Myst...

I don't know if you can talk to your partner or not, but that seems to be the most logical first step. You might want to just start off talking about your fantasies with him. I don't mean to say that you can turn him into a Dom if he is not one, but let him know how much it excites you to think about being tied up. You might want to just try that with him first, before you approach him about the spanking...

But talk to him about how you feel...

What she said.

 

[Svedish_Chef]

You have a long road ahead of you, dear.

 

[Gilly Bean]

Actually, Myst... that's about what I am like. From what I have been reading so far, each person takes it as far as they are comfortable, whether it includes extreme pain, or not. Some couples leave it in the bedroom, some use it all the time. My husband and I are just learning what we like in this 'lifestyle', and are experimenting with it. He's not as Dom as i would like, but it works for us, because I don't have to worry that he will be controlling me out of the bedroom. In fact, we like to joke around that we are the exact oppisite out of bed. I am a far more Dominate person in life, and he usually is alot more submissive. I am not going to go around catering to his needs outside of the bedroom. It's just not who or what I am. But in bed.... I want him to take control of me, tie me up, cuff me, spank me... what ever he wants, because he knows what I want.


I guess we are pretty similiar in our wants from BDSM. BDSM can be taken as far as you are comfortable. If you don't like something, say no. It's supposed to be consentual 100%. Hmm... being really new to this, I'm not sure if that came out the way i was intended.


Gilly

 

[James Blandings]

I guess we are pretty similiar in our wants from BDSM. BDSM can be taken as far as you are comfortable. If you don't like something, say no. It's supposed to be consentual 100%. Hmm... being really new to this, I'm not sure if that came out the way i was intended.


Gilly

I don't know how you intended it to come out, Gilly, but it came out as wisdom.

 

[cymbidia]

Myst, i know your situation, i know you, i know your man, i know... what and why you're afraid. I know what you think you're risking with this opening up to him.

Let's look at it in reverse, baby, okay?

Let's pretend that he has some strong, emotional fantasies, thoughts/needs/desires that are definitely out of the mainstream, outside something you and he have done together, ever, or even talked about doing.

Would you want him to talk to you about them?

Even if you couldn't partake in these fantasies because they were too far out for you, would you want to know?

What if you could do part of them but not all?
Would you still want to know?


For all of us, my dear friend, the thought of exposing our deepest fantasies to a person we cared for has, at some time in our lives, caused us all worry and stress. However, isn't that just exactly the person you ought to feel comfortable talking to about such things? Isn't that person the one to whom you want to take all your fears and needs and hurts and pains?

Do you think that by not telling him about this, you're actually saying, in effect, that you cannot trust him to listen and be open about stuff that matters to you?

Myst, one has to begin in the way one intends to carry on. If you intend to continue to be open to your soul with this man, then you must be so. Keeping parts of you back in the fear that he won't find them acceptable will not work in the long run.

You know my life.
You know i know what i'm talking about, MystE, my friend.

Write out what you want to say ahead of time, at least an outline of the main points. That's helped me get through difficult conversations many times. Make him a nice dinner. Yes, home is the best place for this convo, darlin', not a nice restaurant. Have some wine, not a lot, just a little. Open the convo and keep talking until you say all you need to say. Don't let this become a cold stone of ignored need in your heart, a thing that blocks some of the warmth of what lies between you and him.

Be brave. Be truthful.
Good things come to those who are, who do.

b.

 

[bluntforcemama]

Gilly, cym, have I told you both how much I value you both?

cym, you know me and my life better than anyone on this board, including those that think they're on the open side of my soul. Christ, girl, do you know how much you've helped me in the last year? Do you know how much I want to meet you and hug you, and give you back all of the help I can? You're absolutely right, I'd do anything my partner wanted if I knew that it excited him half as much as it excites me. He's the only special part of me. I can hear him now when I tell him my darkest fantasies: "Oh? Where did this come from?" Hehehe...

I think I need to get over the misconception that sex is always what you want it to be. I think the media gives us what we wish for, but rarely what is real. If I want something, I need to ask for it, I can't just assume that he would know what I want. He's not me after all. I'm already planning....

 

[bluntforcemama]

I thought you all would like to know that I talked about it with my partner. He was completely receptive to the idea, and I know that we'll be a great "switch" couple. I was quite frankly, afraid of rejection, but he told me he could never reject me, no matter what. Isn't that sweet? Sometimes he makes my heart ache just thinking about him. He's one of those amazing people that you read about, and he's all mine.

 

[cymbidia]

Oh darlin', this is wonderful news!

Beyond it being an incredibly relieving thing for you, a thing of warm acceptance and laughing play and stunning eroticism for you both, it's one more small step toward authenticity in what is going to be your primary human relationship. It's another brick in the wall of honesty, the primary attribute of all good relationships.

You've benefitted from your ability to be both brave and honest with this man, my friend. I'm happy for you both.

b.