My sub has walked

[Rainbow123]

My sub of three months (in chastity) has decided he doesn't want the relationship anymore, referring to me by name instead of mistress, and being more than a little rude about it.

His reason? I withdrew from an online scrabble game we were playing as he could find the time to play but not to answer my texts. He said he was "too old to put up with tantrums"

I have told him it's not his decision and told him to wait for me to get in touch. That was two days ago.

I am in a quandary. It seems to me he is not "sub" at all if he can act like this. I think he cherry picks the bits he wants - restrained sex, feminization but cannot cope with being at my beck and call to have a conversation ( which is infrequent as I have a busy job) nor any displays of affection.

If he were a true sub wouldn't he accept it all?

I am so new at this. I really don't get how a sub can effectively walk out and over nothing other than my reaction to his Inattention.

Any thoughts, please?

Oh, and do I have to unlock him....?

 

[Stella_Omega]

Yeah, it sounds to me as if his idea of "dominant" and yours incorporate some very different notions.

He has very specific parameters in his activities, and he is not willing to encompass yours. He doesn't want interaction so much as his own personal fantasies fulfilled. And yanno, that's okay-- I am sure he can find a woman who doesn't care to keep tabs on him any more than he wants.

My advice? Unlock the ungrateful dick, and find yourself someone who wants what you have on offer-- and trust me, there are men who will gladly and gratefully do their emotional duty by you. Join fetlife.com to find them, if you haven't yet done so...

ETA: make sure your new suitors know that you will expect conversation and interaction once in a while.

 

[Rainbow123]

You're right, Stella, it is ok. Everyone has their own take on this. What's not ok is that he wasn't upfront about his needs/ willingness to engage. I had to work it out over time, effort and not inconsiderable expense ( he accepted financial domination, strangely, eh?)

I guess I will unlock him. I just don't want to right now. I'd like to force the key down his throat and make him swallow it.

Is that legal?

 

[BrightlyGo]

I don't know if it's fair to ask if someone is a "true sub." I know I am, because it's this deep-seated orientation that I didn't choose, it's just who I am - but how could I prove that to anyone? It's clear he's failing to give you what you want out of the relationship, though, so there's no reason you shouldn't kick him to the curb.

 

[KoPilot]

Yep, no such thing as a true sub. We don't bend over backwards for everyone that tells us to get them a drink, yannow? We have standards and expectations and needs and wants that need to get met too.

Your sub, though, would probably benefit from reading Stella's essay.

And if this guy left a really bad taste in your mouth, you might try and see if an upfront contract isn't something you might be interested in next time. Dtmfa and find a guy whose needs and wants are congruent with yours. Good luck!

 

[welkin]

Yes you should unlock him. Think of chastity play as part of sex. I think we'd all agree that if at any point during sex a woman feels uncomfortable and asks the man to stop, the man should stop or else he'd be a rapist. "Hey I thought this is what you wanted in the first place" or "You didn't ask me to stop nicely" doesn't (or at least shouldn't) change this fact. Similarly, when he decides that this is not what he wanted and asks you to stop, no matter how rude you feel he is, he is withdrawing his consent to this type of sex play and you should oblige.

And besides, there's no such thing as "true sub". All I can say is you two were looking for different types of "submission". (And even if there is "true sub“, has he sworn he'd be a "true sub"? Why can't he be 80% sub or 50% sub?)

And finally, it does very much depend on what kind of relationship you two set out to have in the beginning. Is it like a romantic relationship -- in which case he has failed as a boyfriend by not responding to your texts, or is it purely sex D/s play, in which case I see nothing wrong with him asking for just the sexy parts without the affection.

 

[Oubliette123]

Is he new to this lifestyle? Maybe he is unsure himself of how much he is willing to submit, and this is something you can talk over together in a neutral-non submissive place/stance.

If you have talked about it before and stated boundaries etc then perhaps the reality for him isn't what he thought it would be, and if that's the case then you are wasting each other's time.

My partner/master always says to me;

''if you leash a puppy 24/7 it will always strain to get away, if you let it off the lead occasionally, it will always run back to you''

Guess that analogy works for some and not for others

 

[CBM514]

My sub of three months (in chastity) has decided he doesn't want the relationship anymore, referring to me by name instead of mistress, and being more than a little rude about it.

His reason? I withdrew from an online scrabble game we were playing as he could find the time to play but not to answer my texts. He said he was "too old to put up with tantrums"

I have told him it's not his decision and told him to wait for me to get in touch. That was two days ago.

I am in a quandary. It seems to me he is not "sub" at all if he can act like this. I think he cherry picks the bits he wants - restrained sex, feminization but cannot cope with being at my beck and call to have a conversation ( which is infrequent as I have a busy job) nor any displays of affection.

If he were a true sub wouldn't he accept it all?

I am so new at this. I really don't get how a sub can effectively walk out and over nothing other than my reaction to his Inattention.

Any thoughts, please?

Oh, and do I have to unlock him....?

Sounds like he was looking for an excuse to get out of it to me

 

[Loverskitten]

My sub of three months (in chastity) has decided he doesn't want the relationship anymore, referring to me by name instead of mistress, and being more than a little rude about it.

His reason? I withdrew from an online scrabble game we were playing as he could find the time to play but not to answer my texts. He said he was "too old to put up with tantrums"

I have told him it's not his decision and told him to wait for me to get in touch. That was two days ago.

I am in a quandary. It seems to me he is not "sub" at all if he can act like this. I think he cherry picks the bits he wants - restrained sex, feminization but cannot cope with being at my beck and call to have a conversation ( which is infrequent as I have a busy job) nor any displays of affection.

If he were a true sub wouldn't he accept it all?

I am so new at this. I really don't get how a sub can effectively walk out and over nothing other than my reaction to his Inattention.

Any thoughts, please?

Oh, and do I have to unlock him....?

It sounds to me like you enjoy mind games and he's over it.
There are some who enjoy these type of games. You two just weren't a match.

I also can't understand keeping someone in chastity 24/7 with very little reward. That would get old way too fast.

Yes, like welkin said, unlock him and be a grown up about it.

 

[Rainbow123]

An interesting development. He contacted me today and asked if he could be my maid/cleaner in return for five or ten minutes release from the device every now and then, restrained and on my terms. "I would just like to experience an erection, mistress." (So, I am mistress again).

He has offered to serve me, and my friends, in uniform and obey our every command, clean, curtesy and so on. And offer me his body for sex should I choose. I asked him if he would expect to orgasm and he repeated it would be on my terms, so up to me.

He has not at any time asked for the key and I had not mentioned it nor implied I would not give it to him.

It seems clear to me now that he wants the d/s thing but not the relationship, the boyfriend/girlfriend bit.

Ironically I have just increased my real cleaner's hours but I guess there is always something to do in the house...

Am mulling it over. My feelings for him have changed. I'm no longer in love with him. I will probably now treat him with the indifference he craves. And feminised (something we had discussed but not gotten around to) I think he will be very sub, from what he says.

His worst case scenario now would be for me to send him back the key...

 

[Stella_Omega]

It seems clear to me now that he wants the d/s thing but not the relationship, the boyfriend/girlfriend bit.

An awful lot of men parse "Mistress" to mean "Everything but emotional intimacy." And thats what they want otherwise they would be dating instead.

They have this developed stereotype of the cold uncaring woman, and woe betide any woman who steps away from that! Emotions are scary!

Have you done much research about chastity? As I understand it, a man locked down for long enough will simply lose the desire or ability to get hard. I've been told by guys how disappointing it is to realise they will not achieve that fantasy orgasm within the hour-- it can take a couple of days, actually...

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

My sub of three months (in chastity) has decided he doesn't want the relationship anymore, referring to me by name instead of mistress, and being more than a little rude about it.

His reason? I withdrew from an online scrabble game we were playing as he could find the time to play but not to answer my texts. He said he was "too old to put up with tantrums"

I have told him it's not his decision and told him to wait for me to get in touch. That was two days ago.

I am in a quandary. It seems to me he is not "sub" at all if he can act like this. I think he cherry picks the bits he wants - restrained sex, feminization but cannot cope with being at my beck and call to have a conversation ( which is infrequent as I have a busy job) nor any displays of affection.

If he were a true sub wouldn't he accept it all?

I am so new at this. I really don't get how a sub can effectively walk out and over nothing other than my reaction to his Inattention.

Any thoughts, please?

Oh, and do I have to unlock him....?

You need a new Caped Capon suit with powder blue tights.

 

[Rainbow123]

My research has been from his experience. His late wife died leaving him in chastity and gave the key to a friend. He was without access for eight years apart from when restrained. He had to work as their maid for occasional release till they unlocked him fully after three years.

He was recently away for five weeks and his erection was immediate the first time of removal. Since then, less so,which I put down to jet lag, failure to restrain him, whatever. But not the device. He's worn it for so long without, apparently, any ill effects. But his desire to wear it is so strong he wouldnt admit side effects, I dare say.

I guess people react differently.

 

[BrightlyGo]

An awful lot of men parse "Mistress" to mean "Everything but emotional intimacy."

It hurts to read that.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Thanks-- that's really interesting. We always need more data.

It hurts to read that.

Well, it's not true of all men, you know. It's a matter of finding the right guy.. I always suggest joining fetlife.com and finding out what kinds of groups are avialable in your are.

 

[BiBunny]

I'd tell him not to let the doorknob hit him in the ass on the way out, but that's just me.

 

[Etoile]

I'd tell him not to let the doorknob hit him in the ass on the way out, but that's just me.

Me as well, as it seems more like a "topping from the bottom" scenario. "Oh Mistress I will serve your friends, clean your house, blah blah." Uh, no, you'll do what I tell you to, period. It's about her desires, not his. JMHO.

 

[EmeraldRough]

My partner/master always says to me;

''if you leash a puppy 24/7 it will always strain to get away, if you let it off the lead occasionally, it will always run back to you''

Guess that analogy works for some and not for others

Oubliette hit it on the head right there in my opinion. Yes, understanding exactly what each wants in the relationship is very important and can be drastically different. Respect those differences. Forgive me if my words are out of line as a pet myself, but I always feel that a Master should be the sort of person who is willing to let their pet grow. A Master should teach and love their pet. Coax them into submission just as much as punish when it is necessary.

Everyone is going to have a tantrum every now and then - no matter how old they are. That is just the way the people of this world have become. Let the boy have a little more freedom, but reward him when he comes back. Teach him that there are reasons he wants to submit to you. As the Master it is your duty to understand him. His thoughts, his feelings, his needs. And then supply him with those just as much as he supplies your need for dominance by submitting to you.

Many people forget that the D/s relationship really does GIVE both ways. Each must take care of the other in the ways their partner needs.

 

[CutieMouse]

I'd tell him not to let the doorknob hit him in the ass on the way out, but that's just me.

Me as well, as it seems more like a "topping from the bottom" scenario. "Oh Mistress I will serve your friends, clean your house, blah blah." Uh, no, you'll do what I tell you to, period. It's about her desires, not his. JMHO.

Me three.

Although I'd take the topping from the bottom a step further, and suggest his behavior is dictating (dominating) the terms of the relationship. The "mistress" may simply be an available person, capable of embodying his ideal fantasy woman. It sounds like his experience revolves around getting what he wants - a Venus in Furs style experience, where it's more about HIM, than HER. (Here, let me offer myself for xyz fetish experience... Wait... You want me to mow the yard? Clean house sans maid costume? But I'm here to SUBMIT to your every desire!!!!!!!)

Lest I sound overly harsh towards him, the OP is equally responsible for whatever clusterfuckery is going on. He likes chastity. Yay. Even the most ardent lover of chastity needs, wants, deserves occasional release... Otherwise one runs the risk of becoming a one trick [fetish] pony. Every submissive also (IMO) deserves the right to be viewed as an individual, with wants, needs, concerns and desires... Submissive does not = robot.

Both parties played a role here; hopefully both learned a few things along the way. He comes across as manipulative; she comes across as petulant. (How's that for a submissive opinion? lol) Maybe its a learning curve. Maybe you aren't compatible. Accept the lesson learned & move forward (however you desire), instead of tossing around mystical "true submissive" bs.

 

[Rainbow123]

Yes I think he is topping from the bottom too. He is manipulative in the extreme. He has effectively set up and controlled this whole relationship - he introduced me to the d/s concept. We met on a vanilla site.

I have spent hours researching the d/s relationship, trying to understand him (he won't openly tell me what he needs) and have put so much into doing what I thought was the right thing in order to keep him happy, realising him being satisfied is the key to my own happiness. So yes, I am petulant. When you've given as I have and he can't even be arsed to have a conversation once a day if it doesn't suit him then I think as his mistress I have a right to have a strop.

We are most definitely not suited. I wanted a sub, yes, but the sissy maid thing doesn't interest me. I know how he'll be. Lazy. Recalcitrant. He wants to serve at tea parties not clean my house. He has expressed his desire to be my salaried maid on more than one occasion. He clearly thinks I am his meal ticket too (he is out of work).

I won't take him up on his offer. I will give him his key in a while (when i decide) and move on. And I hope the doorknob knocks him into the middle of next week on his way out.

Thank you all for your input.

 

[VladHarkonnen]

 

[BrightlyGo]

Well, it's not true of all men, you know.

Oh, yeah, I know that - intellectually, and personally. Maybe part of me just likes to think that subs break /some/ of the negative male stereotypes, like the whole "fear of intimacy/commitment" thing.

 

[Rainbow123]

In my naivety I thought my sub would think whatever I told him to think...and do whatever I told him to do.

I told him this morning I was not going to take him up on his kind offer of being my maid. He came back that he would maid not only for me but also my daughters (one is only 13, not sure what she would feel about some hairy arsed guy in a pinny - no offence to sissy maids intended) and then that he would maid for anyone I chose to send him to maid for, if I "insisted". In other words...

"I JUST WANT TO BE A MAID!"

Does anyone want a lazy, cantankerous six foot sissy maid?

 

[welkin]

In my naivety I thought my sub would think whatever I told him to think...and do whatever I told him to do.

Stella would reemphasize the difference between a sub and a bottom. Maybe he is a bottom and he just didn't have the correct vocabulary to describe himself as such.

But even with the subs, they are not without their own independent mind or any power in the relationship. A sub still gets to set his or her limits and expects the Dom to respect them, for example.

And definitely don't get your teenage daughter involved in your sexual affairs.

 

[free_and_easy]

I'd tell him not to let the doorknob hit him in the ass on the way out, but that's just me.

Love that comment!