My Own Story

[arabesque]

hi, i'm new here and thought i'd submit my dreams/fantasies
as a story, called "My Own Story"

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=79272

i'm not sure it came out properly in the writing of it, so if anyone
has any constructive criticism of my writing skills, please share
it with me so i can become a better writer and maybe write some
stories here

thanks folks
arabesque

 

[dr_mabeuse]

First of all, don't say "gonna". Write it out. "Going to". The only place you use "gonna" is in a direct quote.

Now: The first paragraph is very confusing. How can you know what a ushabti is, but not know that a paleontologist (sp) studies fossils, not Egyptian artifacts? But what's confusing is just what's part of her dream: her parents being archaeologists? Or is that real? It's just unclear.

The second thing is that this is clearly a fantasy and not a dream. We all dream,. We all fantasize. We all know that dreams don't make this much sense. Why not just do away with that conceit and present it as a desert BDSM fantasy?

What bothers me most is the very flat tone of the story. Your description of her travails is very monotonic: and then they shaved me and then they pierced my clit and then they attached electrodes to my tits and then he whipped me. An objective list of outrages suffered is rarely erotically stimulating. What we want to know is what it was like, what she was feeling and thinking. There was no sensuality here, nothing about feelings, physical or emotional

That might be how it was experienced as a dream, but if you mean for this to be erotic, you're going to have to deal with those "juicy" parts. It has to be a lot more descriptive and visual. Just one good description of how she writhes in her bonds or sweat running down her breasts would have been worth a carload of clit piercings, in my book at least. I want to be there and see it happening; hear it and smell it and feel it.

The piece is awfully rough for me too. Not that it's actually so rough, it's just very careless about violence. That seems to tie in with the narrator's general numbness. It's like she's so numb, she had to have her nipples cut with a scalpel to feel anything at all. Ugh.

Well, my dear: Welcome to the world of writing. We all can do it, but damned few can do it well. But don't give up. Describe, put us there, make us see it and feel it, and you'll see huge improvements.

One last thing: I was sure that this was going to be a fascinating synthesis of ancient Egyptian life and weird sexual practices. It turned out to be the Sadistic Sheikh fantasy. Why did you invokle ancient Egypt at all, I wonder?

Well, I don't mean to discourage. Keep at it.


---dr.M.

 

[DarlingNikki]

Ouch.

But having said that, I wish dr_mabeuse had given feedback to my first story...

 

[arabesque]

thank you dr M. it is something i dream and wake up from
very often, and has been for years. i do appreciate your
comments though

egypt figured in (i think) because we had a lot of
egyptian artifacts around when i was a child, and i
knew my parents had been there before i was born.

yes, i know a paleontologist deals with rocks and fossils,
but that was my dad's specialty. i thought that stuff was
clear when i wrota about it, but now i read it back to myself,
it is a bit muddled written that way. my parents' vocation
is real, and thats why i think it figures in my dream.

i did hope it would come accross as erotic, i know when i
wake from it, i'm always curiously aroused. i guess i deliberately
wrote it down recounting from the dream, leaving descriptions
of how it made me feel out of the story, because it's not comfortable to admit how it makes me feel.

thank you for getting me to at least admit that
arabesque

 

[dr_mabeuse]

i guess i deliberately wrote it down recounting from the dream, leaving descriptions of how it made me feel out of the story, because it's not comfortable to admit how it makes me feel.

Arabesque, my sweet,

Thank you for not taking offense at my critique. I know I tend to be harsh but I never intend it personally.

But that statement above is just intriguing! Why isn't it comfortable admitting how it makes you feel? Because it excites you?

Admitting how it makes you feel is the very heart and soul of erotica! You should go for it!

Best,

---dr.M.