My new story

[geraldf]

Hi. I've just posted a new story,Saundra . I'd love to hear your thoughts on it. Thanks.



http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?=id86923


By the way, I'm computer challenged, so if this URL doesn't take you there, it's in the New and First Time sections.

 

[English Lady]

Ok first off, here's a link to your story


Saundra


Ok firstly i think this is an ok story with a good framework, but i think it was too short.it needed a little more detail in it.


the first paragraph was clunky, it had alot of repetitive statements and didn't flow very well at all and for me it didn't really sety the scene either. the first paragraph is of utmost importance as it is what people used to decide if they want to read moreor not. it's so easy to click the back button.

As i say i enjoyed the idea but i felt it could do with being expanded upon. More dialogue in the lift, more detail about the woman, smells,sights, feelings etc it all is needed to add that sexual spark.

the last bit where you describe him masturbating could have been alot more detailed too, to make it more real for the reader.


i think the spelling and grammar were ok(not my strong spot) and what was written was ok, with a bit of work this could be a very enjoyable story!

hope my comments help!

 

[geraldf]

Thanks. I think it probably could use more detail. I'll give it another shot in a week or so.

 

[Mary Riley]

The idea for the story wasn't a bad one at all. I found it unique in the sense that most of the stories I have read usually talk about the guy's "enormous jerking cock" that "stretches and fills" the woman completely until she "has 15 orgasms and begs for more". *chuckles* Originality is respected.

I do agree that the story could have been longer, and that at times it was a little choppy. I think you have great potential.

 

[geraldf]

Thank-you, Mary.

 

[XdOu™]

*clicks the link*