My Life...an honest online journal.

[paganangel]

ok kids, here it is. my life in text. i promise honesty because i can't promise excitement. still i'm being icredibly intamite. i will censor nothing. only the names will be changed to protect the guilty. here goes everything.

10/21/01

well, i told lulu i was in love with her last night. NOT a good idea. she really doesn't need this shit right now. i'm the second guy to do this to her in as many weeks. asking her to come to ireland with me wasn't such a hot idea either...let's hope she doesn't hold me to that one.
tomorrow i get to see my arabian princess again..lol. i told her last week i thought she was the cat's pajamas. and of course...boyfriend. there's always something. it's a good thing though. i'm way too much of a mess to date...just ask lilminx!!!
hmmm..maybe if suvari drops her loser boyfriend, i can get her to come to ireland with me. see, i told you i was a mess. it's her own fault anyway. don't talk about a boyfriend like he's scum for twenty minutes immediatly following another man's proffession of afection.

"She will be mine...Oh yes. She will be mine." - Wayne Cambel

http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=55676
please check out my stuff. feedback, no matter how scathing, is always appreciated, as are votes.

 

[paganangel]

10-22-01

well, nothing much new. i saw suvari and talked to lulu. it appears i am cool with both of them
i have to say, i haven't given up on suvari. lat week i tell her about my sweatpants fetish and this week she's wearing a pair...hmmmm what would freud say?
i have a stats test on wednesday and its killing me. well, it would be if i cared. too distracted by my palistinian prize.
i asked myself out loud (in front of her) why i was behaving like i was...quite unlike me to bother with an attached woman. she said it was because she was special. i said "yeah, that's it. no really, i don't know you well enough to know if you are special."
she said, yeah that's true, i might be satan's spawn." and smiled and stuck out her tongue.
its gonna be a long semester.

please check out my stuff and vote. 1 new poem, and one on the way! please take a look and post feedback!!

 

[paganangel]

10-23-01

Sitting here, eating pizza. Got drunk after (ok, during) work. I think I asked daisy to msarry me…she loved it. Well, at least according to my co-worker.
The thing about manhattan is we forget what a small town it is. I slept for a few hour in a churchyard underneath the sky scrapers. Then I caught a cab. I wonder what happened in the city for those unconsious hours. Nik was pissed I didn’t show to one of her firefighter benefits. It was “important to her”. W4ell, fuck her. I was the one digging up body parts, not her. So what if she never fucks me again. It can’t be all about her. Is it not enough that I’m going to be in fdny. Is it not enough that I go to sleep angry I’m alive? Bitch.

Well, I guess I’ll have to back to getting it irregularly.

Fuck up with my meds. I was totally speeding at work. Coincidentally, there is, as I write, some nut I was in the hospital with immingme. Well, I hope to bal;ance out by morning. Totally chattering my teetrh. So much more I wanted 2 write, but I’m 2 drunk and high to remember right now.


click here foe my fiction and poetry. please write and vote. i love you all!!!

 

[paganangel]

10 24 01

 

[paganangel]

10 24 01

wow, what a boring day.
got made fun of at work...there really wasn't anything else to do today but make fun of the great drunkard. had that exam tonight. think i did well. played it cool with suvari...can't be too eager now, can i? yeah, of course i can. i'll start again with the harrasment on monday.
getting stupid complaits about "plugging myself" from a friend...why do peoople bother? ugh! she's so catty...thinks everything is about her. if it bugs her it will bug everyone. and it doesn't take a lot to bug her. b sides, i'm a very hated person anyway. i've got to get used to that. people don't like me, and i don't like them...nothing lasts forever.
paid some bills today and managed to put a little aside for my ireland trip. still, at this rate i'll really have to tighten my belt.
i'll tell ya somethin...that mae13 is somethin' else...why if my heart didn't belong to suvari.....

all 4 now.


if you wish to explore my creative side, click here. please don't be afraid to vote and criticize!

 

[paganangel]

10 25 01

i wonder how i posted twice...soryy to any one who read.
so, saw my shrink today. bad session, or good. depends on how you look at it. blah blah blah parents. blah blah blah women. blah blah blah humans. he is so stubborn. if he could just accept that the rest of the world is fucked up, and i'm fine. (And yes, btw, he did up the dosage of my meds.)
he keeps trying to convince me of some nonsense about humans not being evil.
he told my not all women were evil. i agreed, some are crazy. then he accused me of being crazy. ME!!! can you believe it?! of all people!
anyway, i think i'm gonna try to come around to his way of thinking. maybe the more meds will help.
my big problem is that i'm an extremist. i meet a woman, i get emotionally involved b4 i get to know her and it all blows up in my face. (I always choose the wrong women. as though there were right ones ) the problem is even when i wait...i find out they're evil and i don't even get the benefit of the good stuff.
total perfectionist. when it isn't perfect, it isn't worth it! the motto of the underachiever.

all 4 now.

goodnight mae...wherever you are.

please click here to read my chops, vote, and thrash me.

 

[paganangel]

10 26 01

10 26 01
well, it looks like my dad is making a gift of his old car to me. my god, i don't deserve it. if i were him i would never do it. i think he thinks it proves he loves me. what a fool. him working two jobs and going to school full time. him shownig up on home school night. him visiting me in the hospital. him getting sick whenever i did. there's the proof. the things he did because it was his job to do them. that's love. anyone can make grand gestures. but consistincy, that's love. god am i lucky.
of course if it weren't for parents like mine i wouldn't have the same high standards, which of course leads to misery...but so what. i'm mentally ill...i'd be miserable anyway. ah well, i don't deserve it. but i'll take it. it sort of makes me feel like a total loser though.
other than that, nothing is new. i'm just rolling along. finally got to waytch dr. zhivago...really made me wish i was smarter. oh well, i couldn't be expexcted to get it all. what a tragic tale.
i subbmitted a slew of new poems. i won't bother posting the link until they are approved though. if people wanted to see them they would.
shit! i should call lulu and find out how her first week of work went. right after this i will.
just finished reading darkness at noon. what a coincidence...it really went well with watching zhivago today. just starting pete hamill's "A Drinking Life." can't wait to get into the meat and potatoes. i love ny stories almost as much as i love ny. hmmm...i wonder if pete hamill ever slept in a churchyard?
oh actually, one interesting thing happened...i got kicked out of a bar when i wasn't even there. my boss went back to the bar we started out at on tuesday and when he returned to work he said the barmaid had a message for me..."don't come back"
she said i was really cute and handsome until i opened my mouth. how's that foir a backhanded compliment!!!
that's always the way. people judge for all the wrong reasons. i wish people had a clue about me...especially the ones who don't hear beyond what they see. they weren't there in the days when every time i passed a mirror i wanted to cut my face into a plaid pattern with a razor and peel off the squares of skin. after years of being the ugly duckling the swan hated himself. b careful what you wish for. besides...i'm fast falling from swanness! i'm now ugly, old, balding, gray, and in the way. night kids!

 

[paganangel]

10 27 01

hmmm...last night i must have hit the start new thread link instead of the post reply link. well, i fixed it.
and that's about the most exciting thing all day.
well, i'm over suvari...pooor thing. i hope she camn handle it. i realized...i think my last session had something to do with it...that she really isn't all that well put together. if she was, then she wouldn't b wasting her time with someone whom she has had to dump several times over the last 4 years. poor kid, she really thinks he'll change 26 and doesn't know what he's got. and she thinks he needs to learn!
hmmm therapy...this time it's working...maybe the meds.
now if only they could give me the pill to be an ignorant, opinionless, lowlife i could be accepted by society and find myself a good woman. then, so long as i kept taking the pills, i could treat her like crap. then she'd be happy...and we could all live happily ever after.

"I am defective

I'm a die hard and a fiend

Not off the bullshit train

The truth is what I need"

_ Buckcherry

 

[GuyJD]

JUST A THOUGHT, PAGAN

Instead of using an adult site forum to post your journal, why not do it on www.opendiary.com ?

 

[Svedish_Chef]

Damn, just when I started reading all this too

 

[paganangel]

10 28 01

well, i did nothing today and that actually gives me something to write about.
i haven't run in weeks. i've been spending a bit too much money. my apartment is a mess...and i've been letting my roomate handle the dish situation.
this is crap. after d died i really changed my ways. obviously i've slipped, but i really have to get back on track. life is too short to spend it drinking and not taking care of the shit i have to. i know what this is all about. loneliness. without someone to do this shit for i really fill it isn't worth doing. welll that is crap.
it's not all bad. i have been saving a little money. i have been learning guitar, and i have been writing up a storm. (Just not where i should be...the great novel...DAMN YOU LITEROTICA...DAMN YOU!) my bills are even in a little bit in control.
tomorrow is a new day. i'm going to bed early tonight and wake up early tomorrow and start fresh. i know i've been saying that for weeks, but i can't put it off anymore. besides, i need a shower and i'm too lazy to do it now.



some new stuff. same old stuff. and as always...more on the way. please vote and criticize. i'll love you for it!!!

ciao

 

[paganangel]

10 30 01

well, what a 48 hours. no, i did not run, or exercise, i didn't even go to work today.
i woke up late monday, but made it to work on time. finished work, came home, fucked off and went to school.
at the end of class, we get our exams back. suvari was really upset, she failed with a 63. she put her head in her hands and had tears in her eyes. i tried to comfort her, but it was useless. then the professor handed me my test.
"oh shit, i said out loud."
"How'd you do?"
"Oh. um, i did well."
i felt like total shit. "well what did you get?" i told her i got a 98.
"FUCK!"
"I'm sorry."
"Don't be sorry. what are you sorry for? it's not your fault i'm an idiot."
i told her she wasn't an idiot. she did well enough on the second part. she's just one of those people who can't do multiple choice.
anyway. i'm walking here to her car. (I hate to let a pretty girl walk alone at night) i'm about to tell her how i really think she's cute but she's not as well put together as i thought. i actually did tell her that eventually. i mean yeah, she's got her priorities straight, but as far as this guy is concerned, it should be a no-brainer. (she agrees) anyway, b4 i can really get into it she goes nuts. i means nuts. throwing shit around bitching about what she's going through in life..family, school, her house.
"...And i don't get why they have to test us anyway! why do they expect us to know this shit by heart? i know shit about life, i'm out there! i know that oin real life you can look things up and aren't expected to know shit!!!"
long story short, i'm meeting her on sunday for a tutoring session.
her boyfriend actually suggested she study with someone from her class...what a moron! i know i'm kidding myself. studying wont help her. she knows tghe material as well as i do. it's a testing thing. then again, she knows that too. hmmm
in the midst of this little conversation, just at about the time i told her i was going to leave her alone and stop harrassing her...
"You don't bother me sweetie. my life bothers me. i'm fucking arguing with my boyfriend to."
"Yeah listen, i don't know if i can be the most objective person about this."
(laughs)"No, i know, i'm just saying. god, i can't believe i've caught him in a lie again."
"I told you you don't need him."
"My therapist thinks i should stay away from men altogether right now."
"She might be right. She might be..."
"Well, this time it's over."
(now i'm laughing)
"No really. ask anyone that knows us."
"Oh, i believe you. i just don't believe it will be over for good."
"No, it will be. that's why he's trying so hard this time, because he knows."
i didn't bother to ask how getting caught in a lie after three weeks was trying hard.
"Oh God."
"What?"
"This time a year from now, i'll be cursing you in a bar."
she laughed.
so, then i get home. jean is over, with her brother from pa. kenny. brad's leaving for work and they ask me to go out for a few drinks. "oh no. i couldn't. i have to work tomorrow."
so like i said, i didn't make it to work today. i still smell like the pig from last night. god, though, her manchester accent drove me nuts. after we close the bar, jean comes with me and kenny to the pigs' house. it takes me like an hour to get some time alone with mine. she tells me she's not gonna sleep with me and i tell her that's fine as long as i get to eat her out. i don't think she believed me. after i got to eat her out she's begging me to stay. i can't though 'cause i gotta go to work. after a lot of hooplah, i get home and trie to crack out one busted nut b4 i leave for work. i pass out b4 i can even come and sleep util 730 pm. now i can't sleep for tomorrow and i'm sitting here trying to work on the great american novel... writing sux.
i figure i'll go back and forth between writing and reading and fall asleep around 4 am. i have to be up at 5.



as always...the writing plug

 

[freakygirl]

ummmm ok...

Dude, ever hear of paper and pen?

Some things are better left private

 

[Svedish_Chef]

Hey i'm enjoying it!

 

[freakygirl]

Hey i'm enjoying it!

Oh

Sorry Chef

umm pagan dude, ignore my last post

continue on

really, I enjoy reading it

 

[paganangel]

10 31 01

well, i knew this day would come and i've been fearing it. don't ask me why. when i got home and saw that little brownish yellow envelope, 2 and half by 4 inches, in my mailbox, i knew what it was...even b4 i turned it over. it shouldn't bother me...but it does. it's been two months to the day since the wake. i miss him. the trurth is i probably might not have seen or spoken to him in this length of time anyway. that wasn't at all unusual for us. still, when we hooked up, it was like we necver missed a beat. i know i repeat this story a lot, but i can't help it. it gives me a sweet feeling. the time when i was bored so i beeped him at like midnight, just to see if he wanted to hang out. the phone rings three or four minutes later:
"Hello?"
"What do you need?"

i think that says it all. for the first time i can remember since i was seventeen years old, about this time of that year actually, i want someone to hit me in gut with a hammer. back then it was a sledge hammer, now its just a 28 oz. ...so i guess i'm getting better.
its just a piece of concrete that i don't want. i don't mind being reminded of him, but i hate being reminded he's dead. i didn't see him that often. i try to think about that. i try to think the phone will ring....shit! now i'm crying.
well, i'll write more about the rest of my day when i get home from class. i just needed to get this down while it was raw.

 

[paganangel]

not part of the journal

if anyone is interested, there is a poem of mine you might want to check out after that last post. this is not one of my shameless plugs. i am always honest when they are. please don't feel the need to vote or give feedback this time. still...i must admit..it would probably mean something to have the # of views go up. in fact...please DON'T vote. i would feel 2 guilty.

A Day Late and a Dollar Shy

"I'll miss you more than all the others...This song's for you my brother!" - Jim Carroll Band...People Who Died

 

[paganangel]

10 31 01

well...back from school and i could hardly keep my eyes open. suvari wasn't there. i hope she's ok. she wasn't feeling well on monday. stayed up all night. made it to work on time. told everyone i was sick. my boss "offered" me the day off. said he didn't really need me if i wanted to go home. it was followed up by a quick "you don't call;you don't write." thin ice. i'm lucky he likes me, but i know he's sick of putting up with my shit. if i didn't bust my ass i'd be out on it. he's too nice and the guilt is killing me. times are getting hard everywhere...in this city especially. soon i'll b lucky 2 have a job at all. almost anyone will.
finally got around to mailing the form to fdny. DEadline's tomorrow...hmm, what would freud say?

suvari's nemisis, sarah, was in class today. honestly..she must be sucking the proffessor off or something to be getting away with her attitude towards the course. almost no effort at all. and what a bitch. i wont soon forget about what she said to suvari and her comments about the attacks. insensitive boggoted bitch.
i hate it when people have shit handed to them all their lives becuause of how they look. they usually turn into such evil people. i guess there's is a real diminished sense of self or something and it makes themn bitter for not being more than what they are.

god i'd fuck her sensless. i'd have her screaming so loud...shit i'd make her scream allah. yeah. that's right. pulling her by the hair.."SO, YOU'RE USED TO TERROR, YOU'RE USED TO SHIT LIKE THE WORLD TRADE CENTER!? ARE YA USED TO THIS? HUH? ARE YA? ARE YA WHORE? ARE YOU YOU CUNT? THAT'S RIGHT!!! YOU'LL NEVER GET USED TO IT WILLYOU YOU FUCK!!!?"
right about here is where she'd scream so loud only dogs could hear it.

all 4 now

 

[Guest]

Perfection

 

[p_p_man]

So don't leave it there!

What happens tomorrow?

 

[Svedish_Chef]

Re: So don't leave it there!

What happens tomorrow?

Greedy bastard.

wait till tomorrow

 

[paganangel]

11 01 01

crap...afraid to look at the money situation...ireland? car? ugh. paying my shrink next week 2.
speaking of which:
"so you admit you have a drinking problem?"
"oh yeah. of course. i know that."
this all came up from me talking about suvari, and her absolving herself from responsibility fo failing the exam. and then me behaving in an irresponsible way afterwards. whatever. i can't deal. what am i gonna do, go back 2 aa?! please! that didn't work out too well last time. b sides, that whole higher power thing sux. i have to admit though. i really have hit the opint where i find it impossible to stop at one. aa passes out a lot of shit. they never talk about those spaces when you are alone in your house. when you have to get out and you will go crazy from being alone. they never talk about hating humans. they never talk about not being able 2 tolerate them unless you have some chemical help. they say aa is the only way and if it doesn't work for you, u must be mentally ill. yet i know plenty of people who have stopped without joining the cult. i wonder if aa members would claim those people were not "real" alcoholics. that those people had it easy. the ironic part is that i haven't met a member yet that draws the lines between drinking problems, problem drinkers, and alcoholism. moer people would seek help if they did. but that would break up their little unity labeling club. fuck em. i hate hippies. work my program...WORK THIS!!!

called suvari to give her the assignment. she wasn't home, didn't call me back. hope she's ok.

lulu called. called her back, she wasn't home either. all lonely. poor me.

got some ot today. talk about working saturday. i can't see it. goddamned carpenters. totally holding us up and costing me some much needed ot. still, it's my fault i need it.
getting back to the shrink thing. he was talking about responsibility. if one feels guilty afterward ...well that's about as close to responsibility as i get. i take blame. doesn't get me anywhere though. ok, so i'm irresponsible, what now? wave the magic freudian wand and make me responsible? oh wait, i know just do what i have to do. that's great; i love when people tell me that. my response is always the same,
"Oh really!! what a good idea. i never thought of that! you should write that down and put it on a tee shirt."

god i hate people. all dickheads...me especially.


new page in the thread, so new link..click here for my writing. feedback, vote...blah blah blah

'till tomano

 

[paganangel]

11 02 01

well, my dad got his car today. it's beautiful, and he deserves it. so, i take over his on the first of september.
almost done with that book. wow, it really is incredible. have an idea for a story called the hydra...we'll see how that goes.
still hating humans. working tomorrow. very cool. need the cabbage.
not much else to say. suvari and lulu never called back;. life sux.
gotta do a lotta shit this weekend. maybe i'll even stay off line a bit. right now all oit seems to be doing id reminding me how estranged i am from the world. i have viable opinions that are too often ignored, yet i take the time always to analyze and learn from others. but no one wants to hear reason anymore. they just want to keep cutting off hydra heads.

 

[paganangel]

11 04 01

the biggest thing in my life is that my hairdresser comes back from vacation tomorrow.

got to drive pop's new car. it's beautiful and he deserves it. very happy for him. kristen's all poed because i haven't been writing about her. the truth is she just hasn't affected me much lately. she's also pissed about lulu and suvari. why do i have a thing 4 them and write about them when i talk about how badly i want her? well sorry. b sides, i've been all romantic lately. i'm fighting it, but i'm so lonely. i miss being in love. i really need bigger balls. why is it that my heart can actually drive me to women in spite of what i know they will do to me.

i'm starting to fucking hate my shrink. he really doesn't believe me when i say there aren't any good ones out there. well show me where. i find something wrong with every one without even looking. and believe me i don't want to. i hate everyone. especially me.

smoking again. and y not?

haven't written, though i finished that book i was reading. i have to do my homework b4 class tomorrow. that's gonna suck. there's a lot of it.

i feel myself slip[ping again and i don't know why. i just want to be normal. i don't mind taking these fucking pills. i'm one of the lucky few who doen't get side effects. at least not too many. but the pills don't change this world i hate so much. eventually all i see will overpower the chemical rebalancing of my brain. why can't i fit in. i hate this. i hate having no real friends. no one i can relate to. the closest one's i have are jean and brad. when they get married it's all over. i just want one person. even if only for a little while. even if i'm only kidding myself.

and that is how it starts. emotion beating logic. my doc is right about one thing. i do have to stop drinking. i need these fuck9ing things to work as well as they used to. that wont happen if i keep drinking.

well, i have a good family and two good friends (they are very forgiving) i know putting up with a psycho like me is difficult. that should be enough. it's more than most.

"through these eyes i've seen love and i've seen hate/ i've seen the violence and the tears/through these eyes i've tried to walk the straighter line/ i found myself again/ but nearly lost my mind" -social distortion

 

[GuyJD]

Re: Re: So don't leave it there!

Greedy bastard.

wait till tomorrow

Are you crazy, Chef?
Everyone shows previews of upcoming issues and presentations, you know. LOL