my issue with BDSM

[Master_in_Iraq0]

I have been a DOM for a very long time... I have always been one... but my issue is finding a long term Sub... it seems I will connect with a beautiful giving woman and we will talk and not rush... we will decide we are what each needs yet... after a few months there seems to be issues... normally its her not committing to the level I want ie: I want her to msg me every day saying she is glad to be my sub I want to be a part of what she wears, I want her having kinky discussions at work when its possible......I love role playing and talking fantasies but I also want to be a part of her real life as well to a certain point... do I give up the hope of having someone commit to me to that level or do I just chat and talk only fantasy? there are so many guys wanting the same thing i guess I don't know how to go about finding the right sub...

 

[feistyphoenix]

The best advice I can give is, don't settle. You will never be happy if you do, I think you know that. Just be patient, keep trying.

 

[Master_in_Iraq0]

I hear you... but i put it out there...I am completely blunt and honest on what I am looking for... LOL sometime I am TOO blunt

 

[MeekMe]

Perhaps trying outside of the Internet. And maybe ease up on the whole kinky conversations at work. Messing with someone's livelihood would get old quick IMO.

 

[CutieMouse]

after a few months there seems to be issues... normally its her not committing to the level I want ie: I want her to msg me every day saying she is glad to be my sub

Because you're so very secure in yourself?

I want to be a part of what she wears,

That's a little umm... weird. I mean, picking out clothes - no biggie in my universe. Then again, I only get involved with men who have a great sense of fashion.

I want her having kinky discussions at work when its possible......

Nope. Full stop. Kinky sex isn't worth risking my employment (and financial security).

I love role playing and talking fantasies

Why in the hell would I waste my time "role playing"?

but I also want to be a part of her real life as well to a certain point... do I give up the hope of having someone commit to me to that level or do I just chat and talk only fantasy? there are so many guys wanting the same thing i guess I don't know how to go about finding the right sub...

If the common denominator in all these failed relationships is you, I'd take a long hard look at yourself...

 

[Master_in_Iraq0]

true... I wouldn't ever want someone to get into a financial bind over a fantasy... it has to be a mutually agreed part... its about being open on what is acceptable... its not just a one way street even though I am the Domme

 

[CutieMouse]

true... I wouldn't ever want someone to get into a financial bind over a fantasy... it has to be a mutually agreed part... its about being open on what is acceptable... its not just a one way street even though I am the Domme

So you're okay with getting your kink on with someone who's willing to risk their job, just for a little slap 'n tickle?

 

[Master_in_Iraq0]

LOL I am sure its me having unreasonable expectations... so yes... I am the common denominator.... but I have never asked anyone to do anything they aren't accepting of... period

 

[feistyphoenix]

So you're okay with getting your kink on with someone who's willing to risk their job, just for a little slap 'n tickle?

Some jobs are more flexible than others. I can't carry my phone at work, it stays in a locker. However, a freelance writer? Or a person with their own office who can close the door...its a lot more possible. Just because you aren't into it, doesn't mean the perfect scenario doesn't exist. I've had sexy convos while others were at work and I was not, it's totally possible!

It sounds like he's into an aspect of power exchange, there are women out there who are into that although I don't know that that number is very high.

 

[MeekMe]

If the relationships are all online only, that's probably the reason they move on. I can imagine it's either really boring or really annoying, possibly both. If your only interactions are through a screen and you want that much time, I'd probably get irritated. I don't even like to contact my husband at work (even if he can talk freely) because I don't want to keep him from his job. His company pays him to work, not chat with me. The same as for me, I work at home. I have office hours, time is money so I don't idly chat with people at those times.

 

[CutieMouse]

Some jobs are more flexible than others. I can't carry my phone at work, it stays in a locker. However, a freelance writer? Or a person with their own office who can close the door...its a lot more possible. Just because you aren't into it, doesn't mean the perfect scenario doesn't exist. I've had sexy convos while others were at work and I was not, it's totally possible!

It sounds like he's into an aspect of power exchange, there are women out there who are into that although I don't know that that number is very high.

Some jobs are more flexible than others, true.

Some people are also into power exchange. And you're right, there are even women who are into that*. However, if the man is repeatedly choosing partners for whom such things are considered a "hard limit", then I'd argue the problem is how (and whom) he's choosing.

Ask yourself [honestly] is what you are expecting realistic, or based on fantasy?
Are these relationships in person, or online?
How long does he know the person before doing the D/s thing?
How well does he know the person before doing the D/s thing?
How much communication & negotiation goes on before doing the D/s thing?
When the OP sits down and imagines his idea of a perfect D/s relationship, what does it look like?
What is he doing to make those things happen? (As the person in charge, he directs the flow.)
She's not committing to the degree that he wants... what is he doing to feed that degree of commitment?

*That would be women such as myself...

 

[desertslave]

I think online-only has some built-in flaws. I say this as someone who only experienced r/l BDSM relationships for the first 3 of 4. If one is to accept what their SO types/says as Truth, there's an enormous amount of trust/credibility at play. That can work out as gospel honesty or something akin to a writing exercise (and variations in between). Someone might be typing all the proper/required responses while watching a soap opera and filing their nails, and there's very little accountability in the end. It seems to me that either they take it to another (in person) level, continue to play-pretend and accepting a level of doubt, or at some point the pretense falls flat and one or the other moves on.

 

[heartmedic]

While it is very understandable that you desire to be a part of your dream-submissive's life, desire her consistent adoration, and want D/s sexuality to be a part of your daily life, I think Cutie Mouse brings up some very relevant questions that could help scale these expectations as realistic or not.

Additionally, I think you should consider that having a D/s relationship with those demands would be pretty intense for a submissive with whom you don't already have a relationship of some kind. As a submissive and a stranger to you-- when I read that, it came across as needy, insecure, and a bit demanding/smothering. The least attractive thing about it was that you require daily reassurance (see:insecure).

Submissives are drawn to confidence because submitting sexually to someone else is putting a lot of responsibility in that Dom's hands. We have to know you can handle it. So, I might advise to loosen your reins just a little. Show you're damned great on your own and that you WANT- more than need- a Submissive. There's a lot of sexiness and attraction (that'll keep the fire burning longer than a few months) when a dominant allows their sub room to function independent of him and his influence. Having the mental space to get to operate at a job without being at someone else's sexual beck and call, to go a day (or week) without talking, to get to pick your own clothes... that's refreshing after a few days of intense fantasy talk or clothes control or play. If you let a submissive have the opportunity to miss you, I think you'll find it'll last longer.

 

[IrisAlthea]

She would have to spend a lot of time on this and it involves things that would be hard to explain to others in her life. Things that could risk her livelihood depending on her chosen career.
At the same time, you only talk about this in terms of sex related things like kinky conversations, role play. You do not talk about really getting to know each other and you do not mention possible future non-online interaction.

You have to ask yourself, why this would be something she chooses to do.

 

[Kajira Callista]

While it is very understandable that you desire to be a part of your dream-submissive's life, desire her consistent adoration, and want D/s sexuality to be a part of your daily life, I think Cutie Mouse brings up some very relevant questions that could help scale these expectations as realistic or not.

Additionally, I think you should consider that having a D/s relationship with those demands would be pretty intense for a submissive with whom you don't already have a relationship of some kind. As a submissive and a stranger to you-- when I read that, it came across as needy, insecure, and a bit demanding/smothering. The least attractive thing about it was that you require daily reassurance (see:insecure).

Submissives are drawn to confidence because submitting sexually to someone else is putting a lot of responsibility in that Dom's hands. We have to know you can handle it. So, I might advise to loosen your reins just a little. Show you're damned great on your own and that you WANT- more than need- a Submissive. There's a lot of sexiness and attraction (that'll keep the fire burning longer than a few months) when a dominant allows their sub room to function independent of him and his influence. Having the mental space to get to operate at a job without being at someone else's sexual beck and call, to go a day (or week) without talking, to get to pick your own clothes... that's refreshing after a few days of intense fantasy talk or clothes control or play. If you let a submissive have the opportunity to miss you, I think you'll find it'll last longer.

This is some great advice...and extremely hot *fans self*

 

[DVS]

LOL I am sure its me having unreasonable expectations... so yes... I am the common denominator.... but I have never asked anyone to do anything they aren't accepting of... period

You should be allowed to have what you want in a relationship, but so should the submissive. Given your listed desires, add those to what the submissive might want and there's no room left for much else. And yes, you are the dom, but submissives have their rights, too. There is a give and take in any relationship.

Maybe some of your problem is listing this laundry list of things out to someone. Sure, you should be open with everything, but while none of what you desire is that strange by itself, the full list is a little overwhelming. Aren't there some things on that list you could live without, if it got you the submissive you were hoping to meet?

And this isn't directed at you personally, but because we consider this an educational forum I want to mention something. Doms somethings assume a submissive is there to submit to anything the dom wants and if she doesn't, she's not obedient or not a good submissive. Actually, when it is all boiled down, it's the submissive that agrees to submit to the dom. The submissive has the decisive weight on her side.

She sets her limits, both soft and hard and the dom agrees to abide by those limits. The submissive has a safe word system and the dom has to abide by that, too. And the dom is the safety police in the session, making sure that ropes aren't too tight, all devices work as they should meaning good batteries, safe electrical cords, clean toys, yadda-yadda-yadda.

Some of the things in your list of desires might seem a bit much to a submissive. Picking out clothing isn't unheard of, but I'd never want to pick out my submissive's clothing. She enjoys picking out her own outfits to look sexy for me. Why would I take that fun away from her?

And the one about texting or emailing her devotion to you every day shouldn't be a command or requirement. It should be something she wants to do, because she does feel a devotion to you. I'd prefer true devotion over required devotion any day. It gives me a barometer of how she truly feels about me. Maybe she'll send me a message one day, expressing her thoughts on last night's fun we shared, or maybe she will say she's thinking about me.

There will be the days that she won't, but that makes the days she does extra special. Not only does that tell me she's thinking about me, but it's that barometer for me in knowing I did something she liked enough that I might want to keep in the domly tool box for another occasion. Requiring her to text me every day, I really gain nothing more than the fulfillment of that requirement.

And lastly, maybe stating your desires in length isn't the best way to be so open. While I pride you in being open, be selective in what you want in the beginning, and later, once you are getting along and you know each other a lot better, talking about more desires might go over better. But always keep in mind that the submissive has a choice, too. If she doesn't want to go along with one or two of your desires, that doesn't make her a bad submissive. It just makes her an individual.

Submissives choose who they will submit to. If she likes your personality and feels she can trust you, that's the first step. That, mixed with the chemistry between the two of you and it might work out. But, it's a slow process. Take your time, communicate your desires and make sure she's allowed to communicate her desires. But always remember, a good relationship is full of give and take. In a perfect relationship, both partners get everything they want. But there are no perfect relationships.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Are you still in Iraq? take care of yourself and get the hell out as soon as you can-- get your ass back here and look for a woman or two that want to play closer to home.

Hang on to your dreams.

Also, there's an essay in my sig-- might be worth a read.

 

[Bramblethorn]

Are you still in Iraq? take care of yourself and get the hell out as soon as you can-- get your ass back here and look for a woman or two that want to play closer to home.

Location says "Colorado" so I'm hoping it's the username that's outdated

 

[Bramblethorn]

You should be allowed to have what you want in a relationship, but so should the submissive. Given your listed desires, add those to what the submissive might want and there's no room left for much else. And yes, you are the dom, but submissives have their rights, too. There is a give and take in any relationship... But always remember, a good relationship is full of give and take. In a perfect relationship, both partners get everything they want. But there are no perfect relationships.

Quoted for truth. Yeah, there's no point on settling for a relationship that doesn't meet your needs just for the sake of being in a relationship. But a relationship has to work for everybody involved; if you plan it out in detail beforehand, chances of meeting somebody who wants that exact thing are tiny.

Might be an idea to look at your desires and break them down into "need" vs "would be nice but not essential". If stuff like erotically dominating your partner at work is a "need", that's valid - but it does greatly reduce the options, so don't treat it as "need" unless it really really is.

 

[Collar_N_Cuffs]

I'm in agreement with a lot of what has been said already, can only add a little.
Making demands on your sub, especially daily demands, will get old quickly if you are not feeding their needs as well. You may want to consider what it is that you offer in return, perhaps it's not enough? Or not the quality that a sub is looking for? You want to feel their devotion, but are you returning it? Showing the sub that you desire her? It's sounds a little one sided to me. One sided relationships don't last long. Making some adjustments on your end might be all you need to do. Good luck to you

 

[Master_in_Iraq0]

awesome communication y'all... I appreciate the advice and input... some of what I typed is in frustration... I have been out of the style for a long time... I am very very busy...

no I am not longer in Iraq... thank you for those that showed concern...

I am just slowly wading my way back into the pool... and as has been pointed out... I need to relearn the damn lingo LOL

thank again ... yall are very helpful

Master

 

[FurryFury]

Both online Doms and subs are notoriously fickle. Although it's not unheard of for a relationship to last and even progress to skin to skin it's in the minority.

Try finding your local scene, go to a munch, find someone who might be more focused on that fantasy with you.

For me picking out my clothes for work or "playing" at work is a hard limit. Writing an e-mail everyday isn't a problem but what exactly are you giving back to keep their interest? Yes, D/s is a two way street.