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BlackManFux
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Nevermind.
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KillerMuffin
Seraphically Disinclined
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It's interesting. The lack of imagery that usually hallmarks fuck poetry isn't at all detrimental to this one. You used interesting turns of phrase to develop the poem. Fuck poetry is inherently boring, but I was interested enough in the poem to read it.
Since a pistil is penis-shaped, it made me wonder if the two participants were both male, despite the fact that pistils contain the ovaries. Stamens, likewise, are wispy and floaty, so the thrusting thing doesn't work well either. Be careful with floral images for two reasons. 1) they're so thoroughly cliche, it's hard to keep them from being familiar and (the flower-vagina/blossom-vagina thing is very common and the reason why Georgia O'Keefe is such a pervert), 2) flower sex parts don't match mammal sex parts.
The rhyme, though, killed the poem for me. I would suggest you ditch rhyming. Rhyme, especially true rhyme (e.g. alarming/disarming) has a unique property of infantalizing poetry if not handled well. Internal rhyme is another problem (e.g. friction/addiction). There was no real rhyme scheme that patterend the poem, so I expected the rhyming sections to be important and need emphasis, which wasn't true, and then I suspected the non-rhyming lines were important and needed emphasis, which also wasn't true. In the long run, for form-less poetry, rhyme hampers you. It forces the syntax and ends up with words that, while they may fit, don't fit as well as other words or phrases that aren't the best wording. (e.g. "...with every inch of my ability/Observing no fragility, just maximizing this sexuality"). These lines make sense, though they don't really mean anything. They over-rhyme (both true end rhyme and true internal rhyme in two lines). The words and phrases were chosen to pander to the rhyme. The way it should work is that rhyme should pander to the words and phrases chosen. If that happens, I see more poem and don't even notice the rhyme.
I don't understand your line breaks. The first one is particularly, well, not very good. It emphasizes the word creep and infects the poem with a double entendre that you most certainly do not intend. I don't understand why you broke the line here, especially since you twisted syntax a bit (adding an unnecessary "they") and didn't rhyme creep. Well, it slant rhymes with sheets, but not well enough to pick that up in the first line on the first reading. The assonance is too subtle for the word choice.
I really liked the phrase "deconstructing your castle walls." I would have like to have seen this image fulfilled. I don't know what the poem means by castle walls, is it shyness? Virginity? Distrust? Anger? The actual residence? I did really like how it invited me to think of a man and woman coming into intimacy. Of course, for most of the poem, I couldn't shake the thought "I" was a woman and "you" was a man, so a woman deconstructing a man's castle walls was a fascinating turn on the familiar metaphor for the culture's Madonna-whore complex. It's not the poem's fault that I thought the speaker was the female, but rather my inability to see a pistil as anything but penile and fitting that interpretation to the poem. It is too bad that the poem does mostly play into all of the familiar ideas about men and women and sex, not because the whole Madonna-whore complex thing, but because the language is too familiar, some even to the point of cliche. Ideas about the manly-man overwhelming the delicate-flower-of-womanhood have been romance novel staples for more than a century.
Of course, I don't know you, and I'm not sexually attracted to you, and you certainly never wrote this with me in mind, so the sexiness of the author doesn't translate into the poem itself. All I have is the poem itself, which, while interesting, doesn't manage to seduce me with its language. I am, unfortunately, cynically inured to pr0n.
Since a pistil is penis-shaped, it made me wonder if the two participants were both male, despite the fact that pistils contain the ovaries. Stamens, likewise, are wispy and floaty, so the thrusting thing doesn't work well either. Be careful with floral images for two reasons. 1) they're so thoroughly cliche, it's hard to keep them from being familiar and (the flower-vagina/blossom-vagina thing is very common and the reason why Georgia O'Keefe is such a pervert), 2) flower sex parts don't match mammal sex parts.
The rhyme, though, killed the poem for me. I would suggest you ditch rhyming. Rhyme, especially true rhyme (e.g. alarming/disarming) has a unique property of infantalizing poetry if not handled well. Internal rhyme is another problem (e.g. friction/addiction). There was no real rhyme scheme that patterend the poem, so I expected the rhyming sections to be important and need emphasis, which wasn't true, and then I suspected the non-rhyming lines were important and needed emphasis, which also wasn't true. In the long run, for form-less poetry, rhyme hampers you. It forces the syntax and ends up with words that, while they may fit, don't fit as well as other words or phrases that aren't the best wording. (e.g. "...with every inch of my ability/Observing no fragility, just maximizing this sexuality"). These lines make sense, though they don't really mean anything. They over-rhyme (both true end rhyme and true internal rhyme in two lines). The words and phrases were chosen to pander to the rhyme. The way it should work is that rhyme should pander to the words and phrases chosen. If that happens, I see more poem and don't even notice the rhyme.
I don't understand your line breaks. The first one is particularly, well, not very good. It emphasizes the word creep and infects the poem with a double entendre that you most certainly do not intend. I don't understand why you broke the line here, especially since you twisted syntax a bit (adding an unnecessary "they") and didn't rhyme creep. Well, it slant rhymes with sheets, but not well enough to pick that up in the first line on the first reading. The assonance is too subtle for the word choice.
I really liked the phrase "deconstructing your castle walls." I would have like to have seen this image fulfilled. I don't know what the poem means by castle walls, is it shyness? Virginity? Distrust? Anger? The actual residence? I did really like how it invited me to think of a man and woman coming into intimacy. Of course, for most of the poem, I couldn't shake the thought "I" was a woman and "you" was a man, so a woman deconstructing a man's castle walls was a fascinating turn on the familiar metaphor for the culture's Madonna-whore complex. It's not the poem's fault that I thought the speaker was the female, but rather my inability to see a pistil as anything but penile and fitting that interpretation to the poem. It is too bad that the poem does mostly play into all of the familiar ideas about men and women and sex, not because the whole Madonna-whore complex thing, but because the language is too familiar, some even to the point of cliche. Ideas about the manly-man overwhelming the delicate-flower-of-womanhood have been romance novel staples for more than a century.
Of course, I don't know you, and I'm not sexually attracted to you, and you certainly never wrote this with me in mind, so the sexiness of the author doesn't translate into the poem itself. All I have is the poem itself, which, while interesting, doesn't manage to seduce me with its language. I am, unfortunately, cynically inured to pr0n.
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BlackManFux
Guest
Hmm..ok. thanks.
UnderYourSpell
Gerund Whore
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As matter of interest what are 'fiending' and 'finagling' ? Fiend is a noun whereas you have made it a verb and I have no idea what finagling is
KillerMuffin
Seraphically Disinclined
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I take it you weren't interested in critique. My apologies, BMF.
Finagling means to get something in less than above-board means, like through tricks or not quite the truth. An appropriate image is a less than ethical used car salesman.
Finagling means to get something in less than above-board means, like through tricks or not quite the truth. An appropriate image is a less than ethical used car salesman.
UnderYourSpell
Gerund Whore
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you're right I should have looked it up myself
I think you made a very fair critique but as I found out myself not long ago many don't want to know what the bad points are in their poem just to be told how good it is and I got accused of bullying when I pressed the point I was trying to get across.
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GuiltyPleasure
AWTSS
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- Jul 12, 2003
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Let me tell you something - IF you haven't flounced off - KillerMuffin is a great critic, very informed. We can all learn a lot from her, open your ears and eyes and swallow your ego. I thought you have the seeds of something pretty good that you could have pruned and tweaked into something worthwhile however..................
I wish poets who post here, supposedly for some kind of reaction, wouldn't go all prickly at the least hint of criticsm.
UnderYourSpell
Gerund Whore
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someone has told them how wonderful it is and all they want is the same reaction and have no interest in growing as a poet, shame really especially when somebody takes the time to give such an indepth critique as KillerMuffin who should stop apologising!
Angeline
Poet Chick
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- Mar 11, 2002
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Yeah, what Tess said. This is a nice place and a kindly place but it isn't a fluffy huggy you get a gold star kind of place. It's for people who are writers and have some serious interest in poetry.
If you want people to ooh and ahh and squeal over what you write, you should try the Playground. You'll get a better reception there.
If you want people to ooh and ahh and squeal over what you write, you should try the Playground. You'll get a better reception there.
butters
High on a Hill
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May I ask why you chose to remove your poem?
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BlackManFux
Guest
no..not at all Muffin. I appreciated it greatly, which is why I took the poem down for reworking. It wasn't my best work. I'll repost in a few days hopefully. thanks.
KillerMuffin
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BlackManFux
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Alright, let me try this again. After looking at Muffin's comments, I scrapped the first poem, as it was a different kind of poem than what I normally write. This one is truer to form.
You, its like you
Just jumped from paper and pen
From dreamscapes and notations
It's like you just appeared when the fog lifted..
You've swiftly misted my yesterday,
With everyday spent.
I think life meant for our paths to cross.
Most things are a toss up, but while surities
Are mostly as confused as insecurities
Let it be known that I'm pleased to be
Tickled pink to be,
Here with you.
You, its like you
Just jumped from nothingness
Materialized between the filtering eyes
Of a guy who lived between his little rhymes.
Not lonely, nor alone...
But you, you've just been you:
And helped me see that something here
Is something that rings true.
The best part, you see it too.
You, just you...
Phenomenal you.
Tickled every nerve in my mentals.
Stimulates my sexy with your sultry,
Constantly coercing me and prodding intellectually
To peer into a woman quite interesting.
You're just you.
For me, that will always be enough.
You're just you.
You, its like you
Just jumped from paper and pen
From dreamscapes and notations
It's like you just appeared when the fog lifted..
You've swiftly misted my yesterday,
With everyday spent.
I think life meant for our paths to cross.
Most things are a toss up, but while surities
Are mostly as confused as insecurities
Let it be known that I'm pleased to be
Tickled pink to be,
Here with you.
You, its like you
Just jumped from nothingness
Materialized between the filtering eyes
Of a guy who lived between his little rhymes.
Not lonely, nor alone...
But you, you've just been you:
And helped me see that something here
Is something that rings true.
The best part, you see it too.
You, just you...
Phenomenal you.
Tickled every nerve in my mentals.
Stimulates my sexy with your sultry,
Constantly coercing me and prodding intellectually
To peer into a woman quite interesting.
You're just you.
For me, that will always be enough.
You're just you.
UnderYourSpell
Gerund Whore
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- May 20, 2007
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It reads more like lyrics to me and every new line doesn't have to start with a capital letter, they make me pause instead of flowing into the next word. I do realise that it's about this special 'You' but I think there are too many 'yous'.
I.E this line 'But you, you've just been you:' Three you's?!
Needs cutting down in places or you end up with it being too prosy.
I.E this line 'But you, you've just been you:' Three you's?!
Needs cutting down in places or you end up with it being too prosy.
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BlackManFux
Guest
Thank you for your comments. My style has always been more lead by my emotion at the time rather than adherence to a form. It's lyrical because I usually turn my poems into music, or do spoken word. But again, thanks.
UnderYourSpell
Gerund Whore
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I didn't actually mention any form and everyone needs to edit however good they are
of course if you are happy with it that's the main thing but if it's for others consumption i.e posting on a poetry forum you need to make it reach out to other people too.
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BlackManFux
Guest
I didn't actually mention any form and everyone needs to edit however good they are
Yeah. That's also true.
greenmountaineer
Literotica Guru
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- Nov 28, 2008
- Posts
- 2,442
I like "You..." starting each stanza but the last; makes it feel like a refrain in the first 3 stanzas; gives it a musical nuance, always nice in my opinion in a love poem. I agree, however, with UYS re "too many you's" and would suggest you say the same thing in the short last stanza with different words for a contrast and resolution (to your fevered pitch, sorta like a climax, right? LOL)
"You, its like you
Just jumped from paper and pen
From dreamscapes and notations"
These are great lines. Billy Collins once wrote something to the effect of grabbing the reader's attention in the first few lines. You did with me.
"You, its like you
Just jumped from paper and pen
From dreamscapes and notations"
These are great lines. Billy Collins once wrote something to the effect of grabbing the reader's attention in the first few lines. You did with me.
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BlackManFux
Guest
Thanks. I appreciate that. I see UYS's point too, I just liked the flow when I wrote it today. I might do it differently next time though.
M
mikesaysno
Guest
The metaphors are good and so too the imagery. Though some words are jarring to my ears. The word "Like", I think, is over used in modern speak and can be a clunky way to conjure up a metaphor/simile ...This is how my brain wanted to interpret things (although i admit my brain is rarely reliable)
You jumped from paper and pen,
dreamscapes and notations
appearing when the fog had lifted
swiftly misted
Yesterday
With each day spent
I think life meant our path to cross.
So yeah, obviously i fucked with the meter which you probably wouldn't appreciate - but only as an example of what i might do to get rid of certain words. But in the end my opinion is no better than yours and everyone appreciates a different rhythm. Keep them coming. Good work
You jumped from paper and pen,
dreamscapes and notations
appearing when the fog had lifted
swiftly misted
Yesterday
With each day spent
I think life meant our path to cross.
So yeah, obviously i fucked with the meter which you probably wouldn't appreciate - but only as an example of what i might do to get rid of certain words. But in the end my opinion is no better than yours and everyone appreciates a different rhythm. Keep them coming. Good work
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BlackManFux
Guest
hmm...I like that Mike. Thanks!
