My first submission

[LADay]

My first submission just posted and I wanted to know what you thought of it.
It's under new posts. Handy Man by, LADay. I'm not sure how to link the story, like I said I'm kinda new to this.
Found link: http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=268566
LADay

 

[kbate]

Written well enough if using unexciting language. Perhaps a bit simplistic and base in the plot and execution. A few minor errors in word usage and form. The dialogue is fair - but again - unexciting.

I feel almost nothing for either character and didn't particularly care that they met - had drinks, sex and made plans to do it again.

Try to make your characters live in your next.

 

[vespanights]

I think you had the right intentions when you set out to write the story, but you're plot didn't work with you. The idea of finding a gigalo on the roadside seemed too far fetched and distracted the reader from the action, when it started.

Why not try writing something that is more likely to happen? For example, take a moment from your life today and allow your imagination to run wild, creating a mid-afternoon quickie scenario that is believable. Not only will the reader be more into the story, but you will be as well.

 

[salukidawg]

What got me off on the wrong foot was the grammatical mistakes and confusing descriptions. Example:
First paragraph, first two sentences: Will work for food. The sign read.
These are sentence fragments. It should say: "Will Work For Food", the sign read. The next part of that paragraph is this sentence:
The tanned muscled body holding the sign gleamed in the hot summer sun.
There should be a comma between the word "tanned" and the word "muscled".
From a stylistic standpoint, it takes me out of the story to try and imagine a person who would carry a "Will Work For Food" sign and a muscled hottie a woman would want to take home and boink. If I were writing the story, I might try and imagine a scenario where the lead female character is actively looking for somebody to repair those steps and comes across the hunk in a hardware store or through a posting at the grocery store or something.
Overall, its a good effort and I would hope you'll continue!

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

I like the story but I had a few problems with it. The characters seemed way too "flat" and didn't really live for me. The plot line was ok, but I would have made a couple of changes. Some one already pointed out the two sentence frags at the beginning and a few other errors, as well.

The two big things I noticed were that your sentences are very short for much of the story. That gave it a "choppy" feel. You'd do better to mix up short sentences with longer ones to give the reader a bit of a break.

The final thing was there is lots of dialogue, but it only serves the purpose of communcation between the characters. I think the story would have been a better read if you'd used your dialogue to describe the action too.
Example: ["My name is blah blah," she said, flipping her long blond hair back away from her big, blue eyes.] Something along those lines.

But for a first time, it's better than mine was.

 

[WhiteWave48]

Handy Man

*****