My first submission

[Sinfulknights]

Being a single gal, I've had many the night where I have lost myself to fantasies that I have read here at Literotica.

I am so excited about my first submission being accepted and I'm totally open to any (good or bad) feedback/ideas.

The story is called "Outdoors on the Golfcourse"

http://www.literotica.com/stories/s...y.php?id=160622

Thanks,

SFK

 

[Varian P]

It appears the link you gave isn't working. Hopefully this will work:

Outdoors at the Golfcourse

 

[Sinfulknights]

Thank you Varian.. still learning my way around the site.

hugs,

SFK

 

[BlackShanglan]

Comments ...

Hi there! I enjoyed your story, and it looks very promising for a first time submission. I liked the way that you started out with the focus on the mental state evoked by the presence of the man, rather than racing to a run-down of his physical statistics. I like the focus in description as well - working on a few evocative details that mean something to you rather than trying to cram every element of physical description in at once. I liked the little warm touch, for example, of enjoying his ease and friendliness at the pizza place. This characterizes both him and the speaker quickly and neatly, not sappy but pleasant.

There are a few places - and I observe this only because I DO this, relentlessly - where the sentences get a bit run-on and breathless. (Like that one I just wrote ). Example:

I had known he was cute, but I had no idea that he was going to be so well built, and found myself saying hello, but wanting to run my hands under his shirt and pull it up over his head so that I could look at his bare chest.

Personally, I would tend to try to break that up (on a good day when I noticed it!), but I do see the sort of pace you are trying to establish there. I certainly would not call it an egregious offense against the language.

Here is a section that leaves me ambiguous:

We walked back to the cars and the more we talked, the closer we moved towards each other. At one point I was leaning back against his truck, with his body pressed against mine and I could feel our chests pressing together and I wanted to feel more, feel his hands all over me, feel him pushing up my shirt and grabbing my breasts. Oh and that tongue of his, the way he circled my lips with his tongue – darting in and out – starting so gently and then pushing his tongue in deeper and harder just made me so wet thinking of him pushing into my pussy with his cock.

I like the way that you capture that intense excitement of a first physical encounter, the relative chasteness of the actions compared to the seething desire within. I liked that a lot, but somehow ending on "pussy" and "cock" felt like it pushed too fast. I mean, I know that's what the speaker wanted, but it went from kisses to images of fucking a little too fast for my taste. Maybe slightly less strong words there? But take that with a grain of salt - 90% of my writing is in a Victorian setting and it's metaphor, metaphor, metaphor

"Bulge" rather than "buldge."

You lost me a little on the sex scene. It seemed to happen too quickly. I couldn't quite tell from this story, but it seemed to me that there was meant to be some passion between the characters, and I tended to read it as perhaps a meeting between on-line lovers? But I didn't see much to back that up. In the absence of any emotional underpinning, it was hard to look at the sex with all of the passion that it deserved - it felt a little random. It was written pretty hot and I liked the lines with her pleading for him - nice and intriguing wording - but it was hard to buy her excitement without a stronger idea of its source.

I liked the beginning of this ... I personally would just like to see more buildup to the sex scene. I tend to agree with some advice MLyons gave recently - it's the plot and emotion that give the sex scene punch most of the time, not the actual actions in it. There are, basically, only so many ways to put human bodies together; if you are not relying on some fetish or similar to add kick, then you need plot and emotion to make it fresh. Otherwise, in the end, it's just inset tab A in slot B, albeit rather more interestingly described.

But take that all with a grain of salt. I appear incapable of writing anything under 20 pages *laugh* So there is such a thing as taking the whole plot thing *too* far.

Shanglan

 

[BlackShanglan]

PS -

Cheers for the link, Varian

Shanglan

 

[Sinfulknights]

Thank you Shanglan,

I will definately take your feedback to heart and apply it to my next submission. Funny, I found that I got very caught up in the moment as I was writing - hence the run on sentences.

You stories are definately on my list for weekend reading!

hugs,

SFK

 

[elfin_odalisque]

I think you're very brave. With my first story a few months ago, I was soo scared of the reaction.

Your story is very promising. I'm a bit of an Eng Lit nerd and I like long sentences but I think Shanglan is right. Writing on the Web needs shortish sentences and paragraphs. I've got sort of paranoic about it.

There are a few too many typos, 'stomac', 'wriggiling', and 'too' for 'to' and 'thru' for 'through' but please don't check mine. Someone suggested to me that it helps to do a final edit by putting your word document in 16 font and double spaced to trawl through (what a drag!) to pick up the glitches. It works even though I hate it.

I did think the pacing was a little flat. It is beyond my skills to write a first person story with just a single encounter so who am I to say? Perhaps the early nervousness needs slightly longer, slightly disjointed sentences moving through smoother passages as she becomes comfortable to snappier phrasing when the action gets really hot. Also, as all the 'how to' gurus tell us, there are 5 senses and some taste and sound wouldn't be bad.

I go with all Shanglan says, I would have liked to know why she was meeting him - a failed relationship, no boyfriend for ages. A hint of danger/fear - 'have I made a big mistake', 'can I trust him', 'love at first sight'.

Please, though, don't get me wrong. I think you have a real talent, I'm so pleased I've found your work and I'll be looking out eagerly for your next submission.

I'm a bit of a novice to be giving advice, take it as a happy reader's comments,

LOL elle

 

[Sinfulknights]

Hi Elfin...

Thanks so much.. I think that I rushed too much to get my story on the site. I am quite surpised that people want to read more of the emotion - when I thought I should skip the emotions and dig right into the sex. Lesson learned - lol.

This weekend will be spent writing, editing, and of course, spellchecking.

Hugs,

SFK

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Hi SFK

I think emotion works well. Readers want to get into the skin of the heroine/hero. No-one ever admits it on a hot site like lit. but there is a strong romantic side. Just look at the heavyweights at the top of the toplists.

Elle

 

[BlackShanglan]

I am quite surpised that people want to read more of the emotion - when I thought I should skip the emotions and dig right into the sex. Lesson learned - lol.

Sin -

I had similar worries when I first started perusing the site. One of the things that I love about this site is that while there is a fair bit of "stroke" around, there are also a great many people who really like well-written literature. They will give you plenty of encouragement -

Shanglan

 

[elfin_odalisque]

SFK

Shanglan says it so much better, but I meant the same. The pleasure of his site (and challenge to writers) is that readers want good writing and a good story.

If you haven't seen it, try

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=16849

(If link doesn't work, it is 'How to pull up your story score - MaxSebastian in 'How to'')

Elle