My first story

[ivy2230]

I just posted my first story...and I would like the opinion of the "experts". The few that I let read it said it was great, but I know you all would be honest


Wake up call:
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=63889

Thank you

 

[Guest]

I don't like present tense, so I didn't get past the first couple of paragraphs. Sorry.

 

[damppanties]

A small moan escapes your slightly parted lips, and I know you are dreaming of me.

know??? like, how?

I really should hand it to you!! I never saw a story where a penis was referred to as a package before... as in:

I feel life in your package, as it starts to rise.

Nice jerk-off story. The average guy is going to love this one!

What didn't work for me:
1. present tense
2. POV
3. It was too brief.

Keep writing.

-DP.

 

[Singularity]

A Nice First Story

I thought you did well on a first story posting.

Unlike dp, I don't mind the present tense. While I have had feedback from a number of other authors, I find that the immediacy of present tense can be a benefit (at least to me). I have written most of my work in present tense, though I am working on some past-tense stuff now, to see how it feels when it is done. Maybe I will change my affiliation, but probably not right away.

If what you are after is a "be there now" style, present tense can be a useful tool. I have heard enough "don't use it" feedback from others to realize that it turns some people off, so my comfort with it may well be in the minority, though.

I do agree with dp on the point-of-view. I like third-person much better than first-person. First person and the 'you' pronoun can be a distraction to many readers.

The most important person you need to please with your writing is yourself, regardless of what we readers may say. Take our feedback as useful and constructive input, but write what feels right for you.

Please continue.

 

[Cooksie]

Present tense is something I'm ambivalent about. Sometimes it works great, sometimes it's awkward. I think that's because it sets up the idea that the narrator is actually speaking, which begs the question of of just who it is that the narrator is speaking to. With 1st person, the narrator may be speaking to herself in her mind (where present tense would be natural - why it works well as a way to distinguish dreaming from waking), but here the listener is "you" and that adds yet another layer of who's who. In other words, it's a lot of work for the reader to get his/herself mentally positioned just right so as to benefit from the unconventional tense and perspective. That said, you do a better job than most of reducing the inherent difficulties, and perhaps those who like 2nd person can make the mental adjustments more easily than I can.

Quietly, I open the door and sneak down the stairs to you.

Nitpicky, perhaps, but this sentence made it difficult for me to imagine the scene, or it made me have to stop and figure it out because it leads to an atypical location - she's going to the basement?

You are sleeping in your bed, nude, on your back, one leg slightly bent, one arm over your eyes, blocking the light from the TV that you had left on.

This sentence starts and flows nicely, but then peters out at the end. I think it would be better to delete the "that you had left on" phrase.

a delicious tease you always play with me.

This phrase was confusing

With less then 10 strokes,

Naming an actual number gives the impression that she's counting, which I would find odd.

In general, I thought you conveyed a sense of softer or loving passion quite well, especially given the brevity of the piece.

Cooksie
My Stories

 

[deeper789]

I liked the story, even though I don't usually like present tense. This one seemed to work since it was short and conveys a sense of urgency and excitement.

There were some things that could change, e.g.:
"I go to the back door, knowing you left it unlocked, just in case."

"just in case" interrupts the flow of the story.

Another one, near the end of the story:
"What a way to start the day, don't you think?"

I think you could get rid of "don't you think" and leave it at "What a way to start the day!"

I'm sure the next story will be even better!

 

[katiekums]

I liked your story.
I thought that the using the present tense made for an exciting element.
Reading past tense over and over and over again gets boring.
Good work.

 

[Whispersecret]

Finding past tense boring is sort of like finding indentation boring. I don't get that.

I skimmed the story. It seemed "average" to me. In other words, there wasn't anything that made it stand out from other similar stories.

I found quite a few typos and some instances where words were used incorrectly. (For example, to imply wildness, it should be "with abandon," not "with no abandon.") The vocabulary and description seemed a little bland.

But then, really short stroke pieces in second person, present tense REALLY aren't my cup of tea, so take my observations with a grain of salt.

 

[katiekums]

Ok, I'll clarify....
Almost every story that I've read on this site is about a sexual encounter written in the past tense.
To me, the author's choice of the present tense lends a refreshing element to the story.

I find that there is more of a sense of urgency for the reader as she would like us to beleive that these things are happening, rather than already having happened.

Just my point of view...thought it would be nicer and more helpful to point out something that I liked about the story rather than just criticizing her choice of tense.