My first story here.

[waterkemist]

I am very new here and have posted my first story. Like everyone else who writes, I could use some construtive criticism. I know now, to proofread about a dozen times, but darn it is so difficult to catch my own mistakes.
Enough about typos, I want to know if the reader gets aroused or excited by my writing. What was hot for you or not and maybe even why if you are in a mood to help out a novice.

My story is, "The Unexpected Christmas Present." If I was not so new here, I would post a direct link. This is the cut and paste:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=85074

--Waterkemist

 

[LunarSolstice]

I wish I could give you the text equivilant of me widening my eyes and leaping out of the nearest available window.

Listen, from what I saw the writing was good, you are just going to have a very select audience. One who wont, say, vomit in terror when they realize your subject matter.

 

[waterkemist]

Don't jump out the window.

Thanks for the reply Lunar. I appreciate the feedback. I was hoping that I did not have the dialogue so screwed up that it was not readable...just try to see what works.

Indeed the subject matter will not suit for all people. I know that. The more specific one is in describing a sex act, the less wider of an audience that will like it. I have recieved some positive feedback on the subject matter. Yours was the first on the writing itself. Thanks.

--Waterkemist

 

[English Lady]

I did the samew thing as lunar, i can't stomach this story its not me er hm cup of coffee so to speak What i did read seemed good though! Hope someone will xcome along and give you some feedback,someone with a stronger stomach than I!*L*

 

[waterkemist]

Not your cup of tea, err coffee

Thanks for the feedback anyway. Your comments are helping me realize the limited audience for a medical type story, so now I will expect a smaller group of people to respond to it.

I am thinking that your focus on the enema aspect of the story says that either that thought overwhelms your reaction or else I did not adequatly develop the sexual exposure of the main character, his dilema of being penetrated by the young women with his wife's presence, nor his conflict of masturbating in front of the two of them. Next time I'll try to include more of the other aspects of this sensuality.

--Waterkemist

 

[Sweet_Candi]

Hi Waterkemist.....although I agree with the others on the fact that your story might have a limited audience, I thought it was very good in general. Aside from a few typos and grammatical errors, it was well written and I could easily imagine the events in my mind.

Boy...that must have been SO wild to have that young woman being part of it all!! The masturbasting in front of them was hot also.....

I gave you a 4.

 

[waterkemist]

Your feedback

Thanks for your feedback and your vote. I am still working to find what makes a story hot and what does not.