My first story has been posted

[Insanity]

Hello, everyone - my name is Jennifer, and my first erotic story has just been posted. It's called "The Ira Saga, Part 1". It is (quite obviously) the first chapter in an ongoing story of drugs, philosophy, and a woman's desire to feel control through sex.

You can find it here: http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=45487

I submitted the first chapter to the Fetish category because the eventual sex scene is a tad on the bizarre side. While most of Ira's stories won't be fetish-related, I still think that this long chapter was a strong introduction into this complex character.

Whether or not you liked the chapter, I'd love some feedback. Though I've been writing for years, this is my first piece of erotica, and some encouragement to keep writing would certainly go a long way (as would advice on how to improve).

So, hello everyone, and thank you in advance!
- Jenn

 

[Route66Girl]

The Ira Saga, Part 1

Hello Jennifer, and Welcome!

Read your story, and have a few thoughts-

First, you have a lucid, captivating style that really held my interest. It flowed smoothly, and your words create a very vivid picture of Ira's world. You're a good writer.

Now for the tough part- criticism.

There's a saying that gets tossed around a lot in critiques here (had it deservedly thrown at myself a few times): show, don't tell. It might be better if, instead of Ira telling us what an aloof bitch she is, that it be demonstrated more by her actions. Clearly, you wanted Ira to introduce herself, and it's good that we know where she's coming from- but I wonder if it could be communicated through dialogue more, like the kind you utilized in her conversation with Dani.

Also, the fact that she's a bitch was hammered on way too much. She stated "I'm a bitch" in one form or another so many times that by the second page I was saying, "Yup! You're a bitch all right. But, Ira, are you trying to convince me or yourself?"

Or was that your intention...?

And give me a little more reason to care about what happens to her. The story was so well-told that I wanted to read more from you, but didn't care if it was about Ira. She's such an unsympathetic character that I didn't care if it ended with her getting shot in the head or just waking up the next morning. Ira's a dark person, but I need at least one redeeming characteristic or something to empathize with in order to care about what happens to her.

But that's more of a personal hitch on my part. Another reader could be on pins and needles waiting to discover what happens to Ira next.

Last, the gritty nature of the setting and Ira's profession. Again, very good, very vivid. But somehow I don't quite believe it. There's something wrong that's difficult to put my finger on. Maybe it's because she philosophizes about herself and her world so much. If her philosophies were expressed more in action than monologue, it would improve the immediacy of the setting.


Here's a link to another story on this site:


Castles Made of Sand

The author, Riven___ Caulfield, is one of my favorites here at Lit. This particular story is about a young drug dealer.

Your two styles are COMPLETELY different, as are the settings and characters. But they're both told in the first person, and both lead characters are indifferent about what happens to them, resigned to a bleak fate, although Ira is much more calculating, and has a great deal more control than Caulfield's Charlie. Both settings also strive for gritty reality.

But Charlie is more sympathetic, and his world seems more real because nearly everything about him is revealed by events and his reaction to them. The reader can see that it is because he has too much heart, rather than not enough, that he's as closed off as he is. Therefore, we care. He's a true character, whereas Ira seems more like a charicature.

I'm no expert and haven't done much critiquing, so I could be way off here. But those are my impressions. And I think you really are a promising writer. I hope you keep at it, and look forward to reading more from you.

 

[Impetus]

Wow!

I wish I could give you some constructive feedback so that future stories would be *even better* than this one, but I honestly couldn't find anything that I'd change. Perhaps there are a few ways you could tighten the story up, but I was too busy being incredibly impressed by the depth of your writing and fluidity of the text to notice. Top-notch story. I can't wait for the rest of the chapters to come out.

-I