My first story- Good Girl Gets Naughty

[sweetnpetite]

My first story has been approved! I'm so exited. I've gotten some good feedback already, but I'd love to hear from more of you.

THE STRANGER--NON-CONCENT

Valery always thought of herself as a good girl, until a dark room and a gruff stranger forced her to embrace her subconscious slut for the first time. She may never be the same........





Here is a link to my memberpage:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=184168



let me know what you think and don't forget to vote.

 

[sweetnpetite]

my second story has been aproved and a third will be comming soon.

THE STRANGER:

"Yes, I know your name, there's a lot I know about you, and yet, you know nothing about me. So you better do exactly what I say, or you will be very sorry. Do you understand?"

She only managed to whimper a soft pathetic "yes."

"That's more like it," he said, sliding his hand down between her legs. "Naughty girl, no panties. You where practically asking for this to happen- maybe you're not such a good girl after all.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=76697



OUR FAVORATE GAME

I felt the sting of leather on my face, part of me wanted more but part of me was afraid that it might get out of hand. I was almost overcome with uncertainty, but I knew I had to resolve my inner struggle quickly, so I made my decision. I shook my head from side to side, wondering if he would honor my request. I felt the warmth between my legs realizing that I was completely at his mercy, and he could do with me whatever he wanted.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=76691

 

[Guest]

Length: 5

Style: 4

Grammar: 4

Spelling: 1

Plot: 3

Dynamics: 4 (The last dialogue part livened it up to 5)

Overall: a polite 4 (One has to kinda go to the deepest, and darkest side of oneself to write a good non-consent story, or not try it at all.)

Advice: Read jigs' ''Gangstar'' series.

 

[tmarcl]

I'm afraid I'd have to go with a slightly lower score. I think you have a good idea here, but it needs some work.

Before I begin, I do not intend to be mean to you in any way. I will point out errors, as well as give my opinion on some wording.

It looks like you at least used a spell checker. I didn't find any misspelled words, but I did see several words used incorrectly.

The biggest area is in the use of 'your' for 'you're'. 'Your' is a modifier, and comes before a noun. It tells possession (ie, your boots, your bed, etc). 'You're' is a contraction-it's short for 'you are'. As I said, you did this one a lot. You also used incorrect words: 'wondered' for 'wandered' in the first paragraph. 'Peaked' for 'peeked' in the second.

There were a couple of minor punctuation errors as well-you forgot to put a comma before a quote, you used a couple of commas where you didn't need them.

Wording also seems to be a problem, your sentences are choppy-this happened. Then this happened. Then this, etc.

For example, the first paragraph:

"Valerie was bored at the party, and just about to leave, but she thought she'd better go up and say good-bye to the hostess. She wondered around in search of her, but couldn't find her on the main floor so she decided to go up stairs and look. "

Try this, instead: "Valerie was bored at the party and decided to say good-bye to her hostess and head out. Not finding her on the main floor among the guests, she went upstairs for a look."

Then you can go on to the bedroom scene. Also, the first paragraph needs more information: What party? Why was Valerie there to begin with? How long had she been there? Why was she bored? Had she come alone? What was her relationship to the hostess?

For example:

"Valerie had been at her sister Ashley's graduation party for nearly three hours and was ready to call it quits. She was being driven nuts by all the eighteen year old jerks trying to hit on an 'older' woman, and was sick of listening to nothing but talk about teen bands and high school. She'd only come tonight because she hadn't had any contact with her little sister since her own graduation nearly five years ago."

It may not seem like all that information is necessary in a stroke story, but believe it or not, it is. By providing details like this, you enable the reader to concentrate on the story itself, and not on answering questions.

Be careful, though. You don't want to go the opposite extreme, either. Too much information will cause the reader to just move on to the next story.

Marc

 

[sweetnpetite]

Re: Re: My first story- Good Girl Gets Naughty

Length: 5

Style: 4

Grammar: 4

Spelling: 1

Plot: 3

Dynamics: 4 (The last dialogue part livened it up to 5)

Overall: a polite 4 (One has to kinda go to the deepest, and darkest side of oneself to write a good non-consent story, or not try it at all.)

Advice: Read jigs' ''Gangstar'' series.

Thank you. I know, I've got some spelling and structure flaws. And it wasn't really meant to have a plot, so I'll happily take the four. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

 

[sweetnpetite]

I'm afraid I'd have to go with a slightly lower score. I think you have a good idea here, but it needs some work.

Before I begin, I do not intend to be mean to you in any way. I will point out errors, as well as give my opinion on some wording.

It looks like you at least used a spell checker. I didn't find any misspelled words, but I did see several words used incorrectly.

The biggest area is in the use of 'your' for 'you're'. 'Your' is a modifier, and comes before a noun. It tells possession (ie, your boots, your bed, etc). 'You're' is a contraction-it's short for 'you are'. As I said, you did this one a lot. You also used incorrect words: 'wondered' for 'wandered' in the first paragraph. 'Peaked' for 'peeked' in the second.

There were a couple of minor punctuation errors as well-you forgot to put a comma before a quote, you used a couple of commas where you didn't need them.

Wording also seems to be a problem, your sentences are choppy-this happened. Then this happened. Then this, etc.

For example, the first paragraph:

"Valerie was bored at the party, and just about to leave, but she thought she'd better go up and say good-bye to the hostess. She wondered around in search of her, but couldn't find her on the main floor so she decided to go up stairs and look. "

Try this, instead: "Valerie was bored at the party and decided to say good-bye to her hostess and head out. Not finding her on the main floor among the guests, she went upstairs for a look."

Then you can go on to the bedroom scene. Also, the first paragraph needs more information: What party? Why was Valerie there to begin with? How long had she been there? Why was she bored? Had she come alone? What was her relationship to the hostess?

For example:

"Valerie had been at her sister Ashley's graduation party for nearly three hours and was ready to call it quits. She was being driven nuts by all the eighteen year old jerks trying to hit on an 'older' woman, and was sick of listening to nothing but talk about teen bands and high school. She'd only come tonight because she hadn't had any contact with her little sister since her own graduation nearly five years ago."

It may not seem like all that information is necessary in a stroke story, but believe it or not, it is. By providing details like this, you enable the reader to concentrate on the story itself, and not on answering questions.

Be careful, though. You don't want to go the opposite extreme, either. Too much information will cause the reader to just move on to the next story.

Marc

I have taken no offense. I only disagree with the part about needing to know all of that background. Maybe that is my style, but I prefer to set the stage very quickly. Beyond the teqnical errors, what did you think of the story itself?

 

[Guest]

This one by Dixon has the basic set-up right. One pager, too.

 

[honeysucklerose]

You do a good job bringing out her mixed emotions and reactions to an invasion she believes shouldn't arouse her but does. For me that's the strongest part of the story.

I would have to agree with tmarci that about having a little bit more of a set-up. My preference.

And I would recommend having someone proofread for grammar and syntax prior to submitting the next one.

With set-up and grammar I would find this a nice little dark fantasy of taboo.

Keep at it!

 

[sweetnpetite]

Thanks. Its nice too hear about the strong points too!

 

[sanndry]

.

Keep it up and continue your story writing

 

[sweetnpetite]

I fixed the spelling in my tag line too.

Aside from the spelling, and a couple of choppy sentances, I'm also taking the advice to develope the character just a little. And I plan on also adding a note to the effect that is pure fantasy. One commentor told me that he didn't believe that a woman would be turned on in that situation. It's basicly only meant to be a "stroke story" but in the new version you will know more about what kind of girl she is, what kind of party she's at, and why she is there. Stay tuned folks.......

I'm thinking later, I might also do a variation on the theme, with a slightly more "elegant" treatment. But that's later.....

 

[tmarcl]

I have taken no offense. I only disagree with the part about needing to know all of that background. Maybe that is my style, but I prefer to set the stage very quickly. Beyond the teqnical errors, what did you think of the story itself?

I gotta say that I'm big on setting the stage. If I've got too many questions from the beginning of the story that aren't answered, then it distracts me from the sex itself.

In the format you've written, in fact, I'd almost say more detail is necessary. If you wanted to do it with less detail, you'd need to rework the story a bit-starting her in the bedroom getting ready for bed, for instance.

As an idea, I did like it. I liked most of the dialogue, though I think you could have done a bit more with her reactions.


Marc

 

[sweetnpetite]

Thank you. I am toying with the idea of extending the the setting. I think its supposed to be a fantasy in the sence that when you read it, it becomes your fantasy, where you fill in the details. I do have details, however, I'm just unsure if adding them is really the right thing to do....

 

[sweetnpetite]

revisions

I've posted revisions for THE STRANGER. (yesterday) Any idea how long it takes for them to get up? I have added a *little* more detail, to give you an idea of the kind of party it is, Valerie's personality, why she's there, and why she'd bored. Its not all spelled out, but its there if you're paying attention. After you check it out, let me know if you think it still needs more back-ground. I prefer my sex stories to get right to the good stuff (not necessarily the sex, but at least the sexual tension) but I do have an opening scene in mind. I might consider posting a prelude in "non-erotic" that establishes her character quite a bit more. I'm thinking the revisions will be posted at least by tommorow. I'm also working on my revisions for OUR FAVORATE GAME, and my lesbian story which hasn't been posted yet. These are all "quicky" stories. After that, I'm considering doing some longer work. They will have more developement, and maybe several parts or chapters. Chapter stories do seem to do well here, so you have any opinion on these?

 

[SexyChele]

I think tmarci summed everything up quite nicely, so I won't go over what he has already stated.

I also prefer some background knowledge of the story I'm reading. It doesn't have to be pages and pages, or a complete story unto itself, however. It can be a paragraph or two, just to clue me into who this person is and why they are where they are. If you choose your words wisely, you can do this in a very concise manner.

You have a good imagination, and I like that. I can see you are writing "stroke" stories, and that's fine. There is a need for all here. Some writers like that and keep writing that way. And they have their readers as well. It depends on what you want to do.

As to revisions, if you submitted on Thursday (2/20), it should be posted Sunday (2/23), unless you submitted via the upload feature. I look forward to reading the revised version.

 

[sweetnpetite]

the revisions are up, and I know I spelled weak wrong, so I reposted, just to correct that error. I don't know if that's up yet. Does anyone have any oppinion on weather the changes I made sufficiently answer your questions without interupting the story?