My first story.. feedback appreciated

[Blayde]

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=26206

Akilah's submission
author: Blayde
category: BDSM

This is my first writing, so I appreciate feedback.

 

[Rrrosyn]

You asked, I'll try...

It isn't a catagory I read often. I prefer a reversal of roles.

I think it was well done. No ego stroking. but, everything I could point out to you would be a "little" things. Sometimes they matter and sometimes they don't.

I'll let other feedback point them out. The story was good enough for me to mentally glance over them while I read it. (That's good.)

 

[Blayde]

Thank you!

Thanks for reading it, especially if it's not a category you often read

I'd love to hear about the little things... I think those are very important!

 

[Rrrosyn]

I'm new here too and prefer to exchange feedback, than to just ask people to read my work. I have more time to read than most.

You want me to go back and re-read it? The little things don't store well in my brain. I have to keep it somewaht tidy in there with all the dirty thoughts.

I will, if you want. As I said, I have the time.

My work is linked below.

 

[Blayde]

Only if you remember...

I understand ... just thought you might remember something about it that bugged you

I've been trying to read a lot... I'll definitely be reading your stuff... lots of poetry I see!

*looks to steal a few moments to read and gets comfy in her chair*

 

[Rrrosyn]

Heading to town in a bit. I'll give it a full read when I get back and let you know.

I find details important when I write, even if I don't when I read. So, I can understand you wanting to know.

Let me know if you find so much as a typo in mine. I'm a perfectionist, but I don't expect other people to be. LOL

TTYL

 

[Guest]

You asked...

Okay. Back. Re-read.

I think the one major error is the most common done in erotic writing. Over-use of elipses. We do it all day and all night-long while we chat and post on message boards. I do anyway.

In erotica it seems to move the reader from one thought to the next with ease. It often has that effect. Someone who needs a quick way to get off would find this style perfect. Others who are looking to bcome lost in the story from the beginning might not.

I have found myself reading a story much fasted due to the over-use of elipses. I wonder if sometimes if I am missing important aspects because of it.

Just remember the use of elipses is to leave a thought hanging.

Certainly with her talents, she could be the same one.... no... later.

Here you have the right place. I'd have done it like so:

Certainly with her talents, she could be the same one.... No. Later.

If you want to, you can keep a story moving very fast by using shorter paragraphs.

I prefer a fragment sentence to one swift sweeping line. My tastes.


Now on the other side. I simply adore a BDSM set in a dungeon, as I always think of one. Not the real pits we have for dungeons in our history. Not the fancy basement designed for BDSM play. A dungeon that belongs in the realms of magical fantasy. Dungeons and Demons. What a great start!! Couldn't keep me happier.

Unless a man was the slave. *giggle*

Now because that is where my intrest lies. In the fantasy dungeon, not the BDSM I noticed those "little things"

I mentioned. I want to know more about the dagger. My tastes again. I am into weapons and design. Many could not visualize it no matter how well you describe it.

I like the descibtion of the torture. More sound. Describe her screams. Do they echo in the Lord's head?

Could be the time of day, but I would also have liked a short describtion of the food served for dinner. Did being tortured right after gaining a full stomach effect how she felt?

See what I mean by little details? The same details I sometimes omit from my work.

Your goal is a part of how to look back on what you wrote and how. If you accomplished what you set out to do, great. If you accomplished something very different than your goal, but equally as worthy of pride, better. If neither happened, you might want to try a different approach for the next story.

No one can critique your work beyond grammer. No one else knows what your goal was.

I am sure several people would love to slaughter my work over structure and usage. And I AM waiting for it. LOL

My goal for my next work is to get editors to jump out their windows. *giggle*

Only you know, hopefully through feedback, if you accomplished what you set out to do.

You made a non-BDSM fan wet. Good enough??

Now go read something of mine and come back and tell me what I did wrong. I'll never know otherwise.

Find peace and joy in writing.

 

[Rrrosyn]

That was me again...

See, even used elipses in my header. *giggle*

The long reply made my cookies expire. I should watch that more carefully.

Okay, so that last thing on elipses and proper dungeons was from me.