My first story...feedback appreciated

[ibelong2MasterD]

This is my first attempt at posting my writings here. Any and all feedback is greatly appreciated. Thank You in advance.


http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=97350



i belong to Him, mind, body and soul!!!!!!

 

[Chicklet]

Hello and welcome to Literotica!

After reading through your story, I can tell that you write with enthusiasm. I do have a few comments that might make your writing a little easier to read, and a little more popular among the readers. Also some things that you could work on to make it better for yourself, perhaps.

First of all, I don't know if you should have chosen Present Tense. It's not the best tense to write in, since people have a hard time using it consistantly. Usually if I come across a story in Present Tense online, I just click back.

Secondly, while I understand the use of "i" and "Him" in a BDSM story, I think that sometimes it distracts the reader. Go ahead and use it, but for some parts I might suggest you choose to write it as it is, rather than how the character thinks of it...uhm...that was confusing...let me grab you an example:

He reaches into my open robe and grabs His nipples and says...

See, I do understand, but I still had to re-read the paragraph a couple times to figure that one out. Readers might grow impatient and click BACK when confused.


So let's get to the constructive criticism.

i feel some what anxious as...

Somewhat should be one word: somewhat.

He stops abruptly and asks,

"Do you trust me, slut?"

...somewhat devilish tone,

"Come slut, I have other plans for you today".

A couple of times in your story you do this, where you have the comma and then dialogue. What you'd want to do is have the dialogue directly follow the words, or else have the description right after the dialogue. Maybe change it to:

"Come slut," he whispered in a devilish tone, "I have other plans for you today."

More than once, more than twice, many many times in your story you've put the comma or period outside of the quotation mark instead of inside. it should be ." instead of [/color]".[/color]

... and says "yes… you are a good slut, now come with me".

When you're writing speech you'll need to seperate it with a comma, at least. She turned to me and said, "Are you sure?" Although I really don't like that at all - I would rather see something like "Are you sure?" she said, turning to me. "I don't know what I think about that..."

"Are u my little slut?” He asks.

...that u will remember...

Using "u" instead of "you" is just lazy, especially when you're writing something for everyone to see. E-mails I can almost forgive, stories on Lit, I can't. This makes me grimace. There's no good reason not to go back and add the y and o before that vowel.

Throughout your story, as I mentioned, commas are in the wrong places, and sometimes not even there at all (see following) - you really ought to go move those and add them as needed.

"Take My belt, make a small loop with your right hand, slut" he commands.

"Since you hesitated to come with me willingly you will be punished, slut" he says.

You don't need to add all the "he said she said" stuff. Go ahead and take some out. A good rule of thumb is to only do it once every three lines - then go back and re-read it to yourself and see if it makes sense. If not, add them back as needed.

i continue swatting, counting out loud, 3, 4, 5,...

When you're writing numbers, I think that a good rule is to write out any under ten. "One, two, three..." but over ten, numbers are okay "11, 12, 13"

"Sit down kajira" he states as we drive away.

This is a referense to Gor, right? Believe it or not, not all people who are interested in BDSM have read these books. I have, but I'm really weird. I think that you would do well to exclude words like that that might confuse people who aren't as, uhm, well read...

That's about it. With a new open eye I think your next story will be great.

-Chicklet

 

[Rainbow Skin]

Echoing everything Chicklet said. Gotta absorb all that. Plus...

Okay, I don't know the BDSM scene, and was prepared to put up with lower-case i and upper-case He, Him, as silly but understandable conventions, but then I came to this:

Before i realize it W/we are

Come on, you can show submissiveness by writing about crouching down or obeying, you don't need to piss about with capital letters like this. One W for Him, one w for i, it doesn't work, it doesn't make it seem submissive. Just describe what happens in plain English. The sexiness comes from what happens, not from txt typography.

 

[Chicklet]

Come on, you can show submissiveness by writing about crouching down or obeying, you don't need to piss about with capital letters like this. One W for Him, one w for i, it doesn't work, it doesn't make it seem submissive. Just describe what happens in plain English. The sexiness comes from what happens, not from txt typography.

I just wanted to say that I've seen this done in posts and in e-mails and it usually works. I think that if you really, really wanted to keep your lower cases and uppercases you could use the W/we in your text, but if you were to use it in conversation it would be weird. I sort of like dialogue to read as spoken, not as technical...ie,

"Hey! Wanna come upstairs?" she shouted.

would be:

I didn't know if I wanted to go upstairs.

See, in the first one I wrote it as I would hear it (even though people dislike the misspell sometimes...) and in the second one, where it wasn't being spoken out loud, I used the real word.

-Chicklet

 

[lyricalcandy]

I'm going to agree with Chicklet and say that present tense is hard to pull off. In your story you write in present tense, but you make at least one reference showing that makes it seem as though this is something that has already happend and you are now writing it out.

As i know now as i write this, He has entered my house quietly as to not alert me to His presence.

That particular phrase is a little awkward in present tense.

Here's another sentence that was somewhat awkward for me:

He’s driving with such a smile that i can see in the rear view mirror.

I guess I'm just doing a kind of rolling edit now, just because I have some time on my hands ... I know its hard to edit your own work ... because you already pretty much know what it says so its easy just to scan. I know my posting had a bunch of little minor errors too... I think it was Chicklet who told me you can't do anything but slap yourself in the forehead and move on.

"He says nothing for what seems like an hour as i just look at it laying there next to me. Not even knowing He is watching me all along. Finally the silence is broken."

That middle sentence is a fragment. I think I would link it to the first sentence ... something like "He says nothing for what seems like an hour as I look at the belt laying there next to me, unaware that he is watching me the whole time."

Its all pretty minor stuff, so I'm going to stop now. Actually I came across your story before I came across this thread, and I enjoyed it, and none of these things distracted me on my initial read. Its good work.

Lyricalcandy

 

[ibelong2MasterD]

Thank you so much for your comments...they are greatly appreciated!!!

 

[Chicklet]

No problem = ) Promise to post requests for feedback on future stories, okay???