My First ..nuub,so i hope i got it rite

[FlixRKix]

never mind..it went over really well elsewhere..I should stick with that..

 

[Rybka]

Dusk to Dawn

We sit on the deck, at the end of a day..
Watching the sun set, in a lunar display..
The explosion of colors, puts our duties to rest..
My troubles subside, as you curl to my chest..

We divorce from reality, there’s only our touch..
Your lips brush my neck, and it’s almost too much..
I savor your words, as a wine so sweet..
Your touch turns electric, as our eyes come to meet..

Our words trail off, by passion we’re led..
With you in my arms, I walk to the bed..
I lay you down gently, and gaze at your charms..
Our passion increases, as you pull from my arms..

Our needs seems to double, as we’re locked in embrace..
We shed all our clothes, as if in a race..
Our heart beats increase, as we lightly perspire..
Your sweet smell serves only, to increase my desire..

I surrender to your charms, as an act of contrition..
You part your legs slightly, to allow me admission..
Our bodies are locked, in both love, and lust..
Your hips move up slightly, to meet my next thrust..

Our words turn to sounds, as we thrash in the night..
Locked together as one, our passions ignite..
As lust overtakes us, we seek our release..
You relax in my arms, and my world is at peace..

An intrusion of light, starts off a new day..
The feel of you near me, my reason to stay..
The completion you give me, sets me to my task..
I tell you I love you, so you don’t need to ask..

Welcome aboard!

Editing suggestions: Loose the double dots (..) ellipses have three and should have a space in between and after the last one. . . And are overused anyway. Stick with a comma when needed or leave all punctuation off line ends and let the line breaks serve as a pause. You might also want to think about starting every line with a Capital letter. It is not a required thing.

You handle the couplet rhymes well, but you don’t do quite as well with the metre (rhythm/beat). Syllable count (which is not always constant in your poem) is not everything. Read your words and see where the spoken emphasis falls. It is also desirable to keep the same rhythm throughout the poem unless you have a good reason for altering it. (This applies only to structured/rhyming poems, not to free or blank verse.)

Beyond structural suggestions I should mention that “Watching the sun set, in a lunar display..” seems wrong to me. What does the sunset have to do with the moon? If it is connected as in a special conjunction, then maybe you need to explain it more fully.

Hope you find at least some of this useful. It is written to be helpful in a constructive manner. – Some good general rules for starting poets are to read at least three times as much as you write. Write what you know! And put aside any work you aren’t sure of/happy with until you can read it without emotion (as if someone else had written it), at least a month.

Best wishes, Rybka

 

[WickedEve]

Rybka gave you good advice about the ellipses. All those ellipses are distracting. And I also wondered about the lunar display. It's a nice phrase but doesn't seem to fit.

And in the middle of typing this, I had to stop, and when I came back and previewed what I wrote, I realized you had deleted your poem and left. Rybka gave you constructive feedback. Some poems go over well with other poets and other readers and "praisers." But stick with constructive comments until you learn more about poetry. And I'm offering that piece of advice because I believe in it. Anyway, the best to you wherever you go.

 

[Rybka]

Rybka gave you good advice about the ellipses. All those ellipses are distracting. And I also wondered about the lunar display. It's a nice phrase but doesn't seem to fit.

And in the middle of typing this, I had to stop, and when I came back and previewed what I wrote, I realized you had deleted your poem and left. Rybka gave you constructive feedback. Some poems go over well with other poets and other readers and "praisers." But stick with constructive comments until you learn more about poetry. And I'm offering that piece of advice because I believe in it. Anyway, the best to you wherever you go.

Dang! I can't do anything right, can I? I thought I was being completely constructive! - What did I say that wouldn't improve the poem??

​

 

[WickedEve]

Dang! I can't do anything right, can I? I thought I was being completely constructive! - What did I say that wouldn't improve the poem??

​

I think it's the fish av scaring the new poets away. Just a guess. Or maybe it was your brutal helpfulness?
This was rather harsh: "Hope you find at least some of this useful. It is written to be helpful in a constructive manner." Bad fish. lol I don't know, Rybka. It's just tough being a new poet. Many novice poets understand praise, not constructive feedback. But most of them, I hope, get past that phase and start to learn. All you can do is try and realize that you're going to upset some of them. But some will be grateful.

 

[tolyk]

Rybka, you were quite helpful. Very constructive and easy to take criticism.... they must be extremely light skinned (That's not an attack, it's an observation.)

I find all this quite funny actually

 

[WickedEve]

Rybka, you were quite helpful. Very constructive and easy to take criticism.... they must be extremely light skinned (That's not an attack, it's an observation.)

I find all this quite funny actually

I was surprised myself--in a way. Though, I've seen this happen here at lit before. I do remember, like many of us, what it's like when you first begin to share your work. Just imagine taking your poem to a board and getting praise, and then coming here and being told something less than praise, even though it's constructive. It takes time to learn how to deal with honest feedback. FlixRKix, if you read this thread, then I hope you realize that no one was insulting you or your poem. We really do try to help each other around here. Take all the constructive feedback you can get (this goes for all poets) and use whatever you think is valid. It can improve your writing.

 

[LeighPouty]

Rybka,

You did good. I have been hiding in the shadows here for a while. Good etiquette, form, and critique. Very nice of you to offer the newbies help.
I will keep you in mind, for the future.

 

[FlixRKix]

I should explain

OK..I posted to the wrong place..There..I feel better,now that I've said that..I was just looking for a place to post,maybe get to know some people,then,with some people that I may identify with,get some constructive criticism.My fault entirely.When I removed it,that went wrong too,so, oh well.Not the end of the world,either..
As for the whole issue of the lunar display,well,there's a time at sunset,that the colors actually highlight the moon..To me..A lunar display.To others,something different..Difference being,i don't critique,what i don't understand..
Sorry for the misunderstanding..I was my mistake,that started it all,anyway

 

[WickedEve]

OK..I posted to the wrong place..There..I feel better,now that I've said that..I was just looking for a place to post,maybe get to know some people,then,with some people that I may identify with,get some constructive criticism.My fault entirely.When I removed it,that went wrong too,so, oh well.Not the end of the world,either..
As for the whole issue of the lunar display,well,there's a time at sunset,that the colors actually highlight the moon..To me..A lunar display.To others,something different..Difference being,i don't critique,what i don't understand..
Sorry for the misunderstanding..I was my mistake,that started it all,anyway

Ah, good.
Keep posting your work here. Just post a little note with it telling everyone if you want feedback or if you're just sharing.

 

[FlixRKix]

naaa.. I was a mistake..I'm not accomplished..That was my very first..I only have four..I need to do other things,i think..Thx for the input tho..

 

[WickedEve]

naaa.. I was a mistake..I'm not accomplished..That was my very first..I only have four..I need to do other things,i think..Thx for the input tho..

Well, you can't be accomplished when you're just starting out. That's why you post, and share your work, accept constructive feedback, read more poetry, try some of the challenges we have here, and so on. But it has to be something you want.

 

[Rybka]

Rybka,

You did good. I have been hiding in the shadows here for a while. Good etiquette, form, and critique. Very nice of you to offer the newbies help.
I will keep you in mind, for the future.

LeighPouty, If I can ever help you, you just need to ask. I am never anything but honest. If I like what you write I will always say so. If I have suggestions for improvement (IMO) I will also say you that honestly. - (Be aware that ALL poems can potentially be improved, and that my opinions are those of just one person.) Anyway, I admit that I tend to mention areas that might be improved and ignore areas of strength. - I offer criticism (constructive) more than praise, but it is all constructive in intent.

 

[The_Fool]

I don't think you start to get better at being a poet until you learn that your poems all suck and that they all need work.

I'm still in denial...

 

[BooMerengue]

OK..I posted to the wrong place..There..I feel better,now that I've said that..I was just looking for a place to post,maybe get to know some people,then,with some people that I may identify with,get some constructive criticism.My fault entirely.When I removed it,that went wrong too,so, oh well.Not the end of the world,either..
As for the whole issue of the lunar display,well,there's a time at sunset,that the colors actually highlight the moon..To me..A lunar display.To others,something different..Difference being,i don't critique,what i don't understand..
Sorry for the misunderstanding..I was my mistake,that started it all,anyway

*tossing in 2 pennies...

I have many times seen both the sun and the moon in the sky at the same time. And no, y'all! It ain't a flashback!! Well, it could be, couldn't it?

 

[WickedEve]

*tossing in 2 pennies...

I have many times seen both the sun and the moon in the sky at the same time. And no, y'all! It ain't a flashback!! Well, it could be, couldn't it?

That is true. It happens around here often. No. Not flashbacks. lol Moon out while it's still daylight. Very cool to look at.

 

[WickedEve]

I don't think you start to get better at being a poet until you learn that your poems all suck and that they all need work.

I'm still in denial...

We know you are.

 

[The_Fool]

We know you are.

That and lazy....

 

[LeighPouty]

LeighPouty, If I can ever help you, you just need to ask. I am never anything but honest. If I like what you write I will always say so. If I have suggestions for improvement (IMO) I will also say you that honestly. - (Be aware that ALL poems can potentially be improved, and that my opinions are those of just one person.) Anyway, I admit that I tend to mention areas that might be improved and ignore areas of strength. - I offer criticism (constructive) more than praise, but it is all constructive in intent.

Rybka,

Like I said. I have been hiding in the shadows for a while now. I enjoy reading all the different poems. I have posted one so far. I wanted to say, Thank You for the invitation. I shall remember.
I think we all need help, sometime. I am very new at all this. Just had to tell the other poet, you were not trying to be mean. I have seen enough of your writing, and comments here to know that. Yes, you do ignore areas of strength. However, you do try and support all the poets in other areas. Wanted to say my peace.

IMHO

 

[wildsweetone]

FlixRKix - We sit on the deck, at the end of a day..
Watching the sun set, in a lunar display..
The explosion of colors, puts our duties to rest..
My troubles subside, as you curl to my chest..

Rybka - Beyond structural suggestions I should mention that “Watching the sun set, in a lunar display..” seems wrong to me. What does the sunset have to do with the moon? If it is connected as in a special conjunction, then maybe you need to explain it more fully.

Boo, you're not the only one. I understood what FlixRKix meant. Sometimes I too can see the colours of the setting sun reflected on the moon... it might be fancy on my part, or maybe it really does reflect the apricot that streaks the twilight sky.

I think if FlixRKix had said 'sunset' it would have less meaning. I am one for enjoying specific descriptions, so I agree that that line could be taken and expanded... who knows where it might lead. hmm can a glosa thingeeamiebob be done with this... god but it's gonna drive me nuts now. lol

I have to say, I think this poem is way better than my first attempt, and probably a good deal better than my last. lol

Hang in there FlixRKix, please share more (especially your other three) I'd like to read them.

 

[BooMerengue]

Boo, you're not the only one. I understood what FlixRKix meant. Sometimes I too can see the colours of the setting sun reflected on the moon... it might be fancy on my part, or maybe it really does reflect the apricot that streaks the twilight sky.

I think if FlixRKix had said 'sunset' it would have less meaning. I am one for enjoying specific descriptions, so I agree that that line could be taken and expanded... who knows where it might lead. hmm can a glosa thingeeamiebob be done with this... god but it's gonna drive me nuts now. lol

I have to say, I think this poem is way better than my first attempt, and probably a good deal better than my last. lol

Hang in there FlixRKix, please share more (especially your other three) I'd like to read them.

Oh, for God's sake, do NOT mention a Glosa! I blew off the last one so bad I am truly ashamed! And I was the one who pestered Lauren to give us one. Sheeeeesh!!

 

[wildsweetone]

Oh, for God's sake, do NOT mention a Glosa! I blew off the last one so bad I am truly ashamed! And I was the one who pestered Lauren to give us one. Sheeeeesh!!

Rubbish! You did not blow the Glosa off bad. You did a great job, I loved it.

 

[BooMerengue]

Rubbish! You did not blow the Glosa off bad. You did a great job, I loved it.

What are YOU smokin???? I never finished/entered one.

I need a new Av. I've cooled off enough. Anyone got any suggestions?

*wondering if I'm gonna regret this...

 

[tolyk]

What are YOU smokin???? I never finished/entered one.

I need a new Av. I've cooled off enough. Anyone got any suggestions?

*wondering if I'm gonna regret this...

 

[BooMerengue]

Fuggedaboutit!! My cootch is too pretty for this place!