Motherhood & Sexuality

[daughter]

Ladies--

How has motherhood affected your images and perceptions about your role as mother and lover?

How do you define your sexuality? Do you experience any internal conflict?

My own views and expreriences have evolved. I'm interested in hearing from others who's experiences have changed with time and expanding roles.

Thanks. I'll be back to post my feelings, too.

Peace,

daughter

 

[Marxist]

I almost jumped to answering this question immediately until I realized it was intended for the chicas. So now that it's drifting onto page 3 unanswered.....

I've dated women with young children in the distant past and I hated every moment of it.

Motherhood partitions some part of the female consciousness that is normally reserved for pleasing self-centered bastards like me and from a guy perspective it sucks.

Biologically, this makes sense. But try telling that to a guy who wants to just get to know a girl, not as a mother or a lover, but as a person and she's floating ready-made daddy ideas within the first month.

Mothers don't make better or worse lovers as a group, but they have greater responsibilities than paying attention to a relationship. In marriage, kids are an integral part of that relationship. In a dating situation, let's just call mothers perpetually unfocused (if they are a good and concerned mom).

 

[MidnightAngel]

Personally, I think that my perception of myself and my sexuality has changed more with age than motherhood. My son is 15. When he was very young (infant/toddler age) I suppose that I did experience a period of time when I viewed myself more as a "mother" than a lover, etc.. But I don't feel that is true now. My son is at the point in his life where he is mostly self-sufficient, having his own friends/interests/etc., which opens up more time for me as a parent to do what I enjoy (which, of course, includes sex).

My sexuality is defined by what I want/desire/need and also by my partner's needs/desires. I don't feel any conflict about being sexual and being a mother.

Of course, everyday life as a person/mother does put time constraints on one's sex life. There are times when work/home/parenting leaves a person too exhausted to feel "sexy", that's true. But I think that it's very important to make time for a healthy sex life, or even just "alone" time, for that matter...It helps me deal with day-to-day stress much better.

 

[daughter]

moms are busy

so it may take a bit for a few to answer.

Well, as a mother who doesn't fit most of the images associated with our role, let me tell you my relationship outside my children matters to me. I was a woman and lover before babies and that hasn't changed since babies. Mind you, I'll kill the fool who tries to hurt mine and I've worked multiple jobs to support them, but I'm not going to feel guilty about maintaining an identity outside of mom.

My children eventually will outgrow their dependence on me. No thanks to the withdrawl my girlfriends have suffered because they're kids had a life outside of being under their mothers, and their mothers only had them. Not this chica.

Call me blessed. I have two girls, fiercely independent and adjusted. My kids have no problem with, "See you later." My six-year-old told me a couple of weeks ago that she hoped I'd be all right, but she was spending her weekend at so-so's house. She said she was sure I'd survive. lol

Mothers get dumped with such much crap emotionally and physically. If that isn't enough, we do it to ourselves. Well, I've spent a small fortune(and I'm worth every dime) on therapy getting over a myriad of issues including what a lousy mother I am. Today, I am saner and a better mother.

Now, to the topic at hand. Being a mother doesn't inhibit my sexual desires nor how I see myself sexually. Being a mother does mean I can't holla like I want to all the time, but that withstanding, I'm no matronly icon who lives for her children's sake.

I relish and I am committed to nuturing my own well-being and part of that is maintaining a healthy sex life. If I don't take care of me, I'm not going to give my best to my kids. Rather than be filled with resentment, frustration, and guilt, I opt to acknowledge my needs and do what it takes to have them met.

Not an easy task, but then I don't believe it's suppose to be. I believe as the sage Vincent Peale said, "Life is a struggle." Once you acknowledge that, you're on your way to dealing with it.

Peace,

daughter

 

[daughter]

dedicated to NSW et Gillybean

Congratulations, ladies!

New Mother
by Sharon Olds

A week after our child was born,
you cornered me in the spare room
and we sank down on the bed.
You kissed me and kissed me,
my milk undid its
burning slip-knot through my nipples,
soaking my shirt. All week I had smelled of milk,
fresh milk, sour. I began to throb:
my sex had been torn easily as cloth by the
crown of her head, I'd been cut with a knife and
sewn, the stitches pulling at my skin--
and the first time you're broken, you don't know
you'll be healed again, better than before.
I lay in fear and blood and milk
while you kissed and kissed me, your lips hot and swollen
as a teen-age boy's, your sex dry and big,
all of you so tender, you hung over me,
over the nest of stitches, over the
splitting and tearing, with the patience of someone who
finds a wounded animal in the woods
and stays with it, not leaving its side
until it is whole, until it can run again.

 

[Silverlily]

Interesting thread, almost missed it.

I too have daughters, also very independant and self-reliant. From the moment they were born, I felt an obligation to show them what a woman can be completely, not just the "mom" side. They have seen the process of developing my career and they have seen what goes into finding a lifemate (I was a single mother) and maintaining a relationship. Obviously, certain details are ommitted , but they understand there is physical affection involved in love (something I never saw as a child).

As for my perceptions of sex and the role I saw for myself, I don't think other than being even more particular who I partnered with, I changed too much. Sex has always been a part of who I am, that did not change. I did have my days when my girls left me exhausted and all I wanted was sleep, but I think those days happen regardless of children.

Ultimately, I found over time a need to clearly define what I wanted, forcing me to be more honest and expressive. Whether this is due to maternal obligations taking up part of my time that would otherwise be free or because I now truly understand quality time and won't settle for less, I'm not sure. I'll have to get back to you on that.

 

[Camille]

Undesirable goes both ways

Motherhood partitions some part of the female consciousness that is normally reserved for pleasing self-centered bastards like me and from a guy perspective it sucks.

WOW, Marxist! You sound more like another dependent, not a partner. Don't worry about us looking for you. I'll pass.

Cammie

 

[MissTaken]

Motherhood has done little to change my sexuality, but as has been said, it certainly interferes with time, place, energy and randomness in sex.

Applauding Marxist for having the insight to recognize that a single mom isn't likely to meet his needs. In my most recent relationship, the kids were one of the issues as I found myself constantly saying, "Slow down. I know you love me, but you may not love my life. " And was constantly giving examplse of the limits placed on the relationship because of my having small children.

Energy: Big factor. After a day of work, cooking, cleaning, caring for kidlings, stopping squabbles, bathtime, storytime, mommy lessons, groceries, bill paying, bedtime sometimes means, "Egads! I just wnat to read a chapter and then sleep!" This has been taken by my s.o. as "You dont' want me." So then, add to the list of daily tasks dealing with self esteem issues in s.o.

Finally, while the internet has opened many doors to those of us who are single, people meet from all over the world who would not have otherwise found on another, in my reality, I need to stay put....in East Bumfuck, New York with my children, as it is what is best for them. (No. I am not martyring myself. When they are old enough to engage in the decision making process, perhaps, I will be able to relocate. For now, roots and family are far too important to take away from them.)

Sorry to have been so long winded, I have had these discussions many times in the recent past so the info is still fresh.

 

[daughter]

life decisions & children

Miss T--

I hear you. My s/o and I are an LDR. We both have children. Relocating isn't something either of us can do easily.

While I respect man who has enough sense to pass by women who can't meet his needs, I reject the notion that in order for me to be a good mother, I have to short-change my partner or myself. How we define our needs and meeting them clearly affects what we perceive as satisfying. There are differences in what a single woman wants and what a single mother wants. I want a partner. I'm not hunting for a provider. I'm handling that. Pretty arrogant for a man to think I want him so he can take care of me. Hell, what have I been doing without him?

In order to have a successful relationship, I have to find a compatiable partner. Being involved with a man who doesn't want to be bothered with children is a poor decision on my part. If my s/o can't deal with how taxing my role is, why is it my problem? I'm more than willing to deal with my stuff, but I'm not taking responsibility for someone else's emotional trips. Sorry. Been there. Done that. Past it. I support my lover like nobody's business, but be held accountable for his feelings ain't gonna happen.

I had kids when he stepped in the picture. If down the lines, he decides it's not what he wants, don't guilt trip me about it. Let him make a decision that is best for him. I won't guilt trip him about it either if he decides it best to move on. Yeah, it'll hurt, but I'm trying to avoid self-defeating actions today.

I hate that we don't share the same bed every night. I hate how I feel when he leaves. Juggling schedules suck, and I do get tired of being responsible. I vent when I need to and then I get on with it cause that what mature adults do.

I'm looking for interdependence in a relationship not co-dependence. That'll suck you dry.

Be well.

Peace,

daughter

p.s. Talk about long-winded. lol I've been single a long time. You've brought back memories, Miss Taken.

 

[Kandi]

marxist

what a pig!
to assume that woman exist only for your own selfish pleasure
and that being a mother diminishes in any way any they're being a person or a lover. too bad your mother bothered with it.

 

[MissTaken]

I didn't find Marxist's points in any way offensive.

He certainly didn't demean mothers, and it is true, that with the added responsibility of mother hood, as he said, good mothers simply cannot place their entire focus on a relationship.

Some men have experienced enough of life to remain reality based in their choices of significant others. Knowing their needs and in what situation they are best able to meet their own needs is a good thing. I would rather know up front that a potential lover would prefer not to be with a single mom saves pain and frustration down the road.

IMHO

 

[Kandi]

daughter --er, mother

right on, so beautifully said

and thanks for bringing this issue up,
and flushing out some idiots in the process

 

[Marxist]

Re: marxist

what a pig!
to assume that woman exist only for your own selfish pleasure
and that being a mother diminishes in any way any they're being a person or a lover. too bad your mother bothered with it.

Selfish? I said that myself. But how selfish is it to have children for the satisfaction of having children without a two parent household?

One parent households are fine, but who would deny it's easier if you've got a mate to shoulder some of the load and some of the finances? Besides, male and female role models don't grow on trees. Teams can accomplish more than individuals with less effort.

I know that if I were divorced with kids to raise, a house to clean, a job to hold down, and bills to pay I wouldn't be much of a dater or a lover.

 

[alltherage]

Motherhood has given me a foundation for my life. I wear glasses now that filter my desires through the potential impact of my behavior on my kids. I am no longer the wild child I was for years and the kinds of relationships I have now are much different than they were in the past. I have similar desires as I did when I was younger but I am missing the imperative inspiration to pursue them. I am bi and I have determined to be open with my kids about my sexuality when the time comes. There is a strong possibility they will experience me with a same sex partner at some point in their life. One thing is certain. My days of one night stands a casual sex are over. At least that is true in this house. I never want to have to explain that one to my kids. I hope they are careful with there sexuality and avoid some of the pain I have experienced when i put myself in a position to be used but unfeeling types. I have to set some sort of example for them.

 

[Marxist]

Re: Undesirable goes both ways

WOW, Marxist! You sound more like another dependent, not a partner. Don't worry about us looking for you. I'll pass.

Cammie

We're all dependents in one way or another.

Takes a big man or woman to realize it.

Funny how when I use to get calls from women with kids after we dated and were still friends, that the calls somehow always turned to rent money for a place I never stayed a night in or help in keeping the lights on.

Strange, none of those women ever called me dependent.

 

[Kandi]

marxist says:

I know that if I were divorced with kids to raise, a house to clean, a job to hold down, and bills to pay I wouldn't be much of a dater or a lover.



----and we might think you aren't much of a lover now.
single parenting happens for all sorts of reasons, not usually because the mother set out to selfishly have kids alone.
many of us have learned to balance being a parent with being
a person, and a lover, and all aspects of our lives benefit
from being wholistic about our lives. i could hope that being
a parent will one day shed new light on this for you, but
then again there are too many selfish parents who NEVER get it,
so don't rush into it.

 

[Marxist]

Re: marxist says:

I know that if I were divorced with kids to raise, a house to clean, a job to hold down, and bills to pay I wouldn't be much of a dater or a lover.



----and we might think you aren't much of a lover now.

I'm sorry but when did we date and why?

 

[Kandi]

when did we date and why

we were probably both drunk

listen, i'm not trying to flame you
but you need some perspective
parenting is part of being a human
for many of us, it's the best part

 

[daughter]

marxist, I disagree

Cammie said you sound like a dependent . She didn't argue you were one. Moreover, children are dependents. They are completely dependent on us for their care.

In healthy adult relationships there is interdependency. Co-dependency is unhealthy. There is a distinction between the two and I care to draw it. Many of us have made it clear in another thread that we welcome the support and help of a mate. Please don't sell us short by arguing we're not willing to carry our share.

I respect your preference. No argument there. Your experience is just that your experience so there's no debate there either. What hit a nerve with Kandi I think is the insinuation that single mothers are inferior lovers/mates. That is insulting. Don't get a wedgie. I'm only pointing out how your statements might be perceived.

And by the way, sir, this thread was addressing mothers, not necessarily single moms. The focus is how we feel about ourselves.

Why you chose to participate in a discussion about mothers' views of themselves still has me scratching my head. LOL Are you, transgender, Marxist?

Peace,

daughter

 

[Marxist]

Re: when did we date and why

we were probably both drunk

listen, i'm not trying to flame you
but you need some perspective
parenting is part of being a human
for many of us, it's the best part

Where did I disagree? Motherhood feels good for a basic biological reason: It's necessary for the species to continue and prosper.

I never said being a mom was bad or detracted from the actual sex, I just gave a guy's perspective that the relationship often suffered when young kids aren't his (or her) initial deal.

Humans, unlike most every other mammal, develop outside the womb. Those first 7 or 8 years are full of imprinting and growth experiences. On a most basic level, a good mom should be busy nurturing those experiences, not trying to get a date.

Even a date with a "loser" like me.

 

[Marxist]

Re: marxist, I disagree

Why you chose to participate in a discussion about mothers' views of themselves still has me scratching my head. LOL Are you, transgender, Marxist?
[/B]

Transgender? Maybe you're on to something.

Sorry for barging in but like I said in my first response, I waited until your post was downriver a few pages without a response from the girls (or the guys and transgenders) before joining in.

I'll be more respectful next time and watch your excellent thoughts drift away in a sea of cocks and cock-loving next time.


Peace,

Marxist

 

[daughter]

so should we be a good mom

and smack you up side the head for hijacking our thread? LOL

Marxist, you're not a dumb puppy and your comments were not completely innocuous. Fess up or don't. Miss T is willing to give you the benefit of the doubt and I'm willing not to trip about it.

I think that's the best you're gonna get.

Peace,

daughter

 

[TN_Vixen]

Marxie

you aren't alone in thinking that women are meant to give you their full attention 100% of the time. I would go as far to say that it is almost a necessary component of being male.

 

[daughter]

Re: Re: marxist, I disagree

I'll be more respectful next time and watch your excellent thoughts drift away in a sea of cocks and cock-loving next time.

Marxist, I thought you didn't like bailing out single moms? LOL

Okay. I couldn't resist. You left it wide open.

You have kept us afloat. Thanks.

Peace,

daughter

 

[MissTaken]

Woo hoo.....

I stepped out to buy milk and this thread has gone bananas!


Marxist: I didn't see you take any pot shots at the thread or motherhood until things started heating up in here.

I understand....Good mom's focus on their children's needs. Good mom's enter into dating and relationships with a completely new perspective and list of needs, as it were, from their potential new guy. A guy who needs 24/7 time, energy and focus from his significant other is not going to date a single mom.

My view towards sexuality and dating has to be different since the birth of my two children. No random dates, no random sex. Every man I date gets a total assessment for the long term. I won't waste my time or that of my children's on men who aren't going to measure up in the long run. And certainly, I can't expose my children to a myriad of uncle's coming and going through a revolving door.

A good mom also, and this is where I may not agree entirely with Marxist, will take care of her own psyche as well. Having a mate, friend or partner who is supportive and willing to engage can make me a far better mom. If my needs aren't met, my tolerance and coping skills are limited as with anyone. Unfortunately, those closes to me feel the impact of that. (my kidlings)

Let's see....getting back on topic. How has motherhood impacted my sexuality?

Birth control!!!! Gotta have it! (I have enough with two of the little cherubs without adding to the fire. )