More of a 'where to' than 'how to' question

[eudaemonia]

There are plenty of places -- on Lit and elsewhere -- to look for NSA erotic chat or RL hook ups. But what if you're looking for the possibility of strings someday? The best description of what I'm looking for is old-school personals but perhaps with a Literotica bent. KWIM?

What brought on this thread is that I stumbled on a roll call thread last night in The Playground for "mature" Lit-ers. I was delighted to discover that there are plenty of over 35ers (and 45ers and 55ers and ...) who actually prefer the erotic company of someone closer to their own age. That confirmed my intuitions that not only am I'm not looking for anything out of the ordinary but that the odds are probably with me for finding the type of relationship that I want and need. It's now just a matter of focusing my time on looking and reaching out.

A few years ago I gave OK Cupid a whirl but was put off by how many responses I got that seemed to deliberately sidestep my preferences, which is to say +/- 7 years, monogamously-inclined, comfortable with themselves in the erotic sense. Years ago I tried newspaper personals but the local alt weekly that still offers them has devolved into a print version of the worst of CL.

Where do (or would) the silverwhispers and Eilans and 'yanks and Cathleens and EJFans and wickwomans and bobsgirls (and all the rest of y'alls) look for a LTRER (Long Term Romantic/Erotic Relationship)? The answer is probably right in front of me, right?

 

[midwestyankee]

I would encourage you to spend time in the threads that appeal to a broad range of folk in your target demographic: men of an erotic bent who are about your age. That may mean posting over in the playground for a while, where you'll no doubt find a few bumpkins and illiterates. But you'll also find genuine and smart people there, too.

Have you ever wandered over to Fetlife? It's a combination Lit forums and social networking site for the kinky. While you may or may not consider yourself kinky (only you and your pole-dancing instructor know for sure), I've seen a fair amount of social interaction over there that might appeal to you. Plus, the interface allows for a much more elaborate profile page than is available here so you can articulate your interests clearly and thoroughly.

 

[infinity706]

Well, you could just put up a signature describing what you're looking for. That way, every post you make advertises it. We have plenty of people here that met long term partners on this site.

 

[wicked woman]

Well only since you called me out.

First, I'd suggest that based on my track record, I'm not the one you should be asking. Also, a number of the people you listed are married so you're asking them?!

I have to agree with Yank. Lit is a great place to make friends that have the possibility of becoming RL relationships. You know they're open sexually so you've got that in common as a starting point. A drawback to that might be location/distance though depending on where you live.

He's also got a point with Fetlife. I've been there a while and really like it. You can get to know people by location and/or interest. I've also used it as an intro into the local kink community to get to know like-minded people both on and off line and make some friends . All of my romantic relationships have started as friendships so my attitude is to make friends and see where that leads versus only looking for a LTR.

Another option, although I can't say I've had much luck at it, is at a club or courses for something that you're interested in...photography, cooking, writing, or whatever. Let's you meet men who have a simialr interest in a situation that let's you talk to them.

Personally I found the easiest place to meet guys was in university. Lots of interesting eligible men...more in one place than I've ever seen since then. A number of people meet their spouse/ SO at work since that's where they spend a large portion of their day. I hadn't had luck there but I know people who have.

Do any of your friends know someone they think you might be interested in? I find that I compartmentalize my life a lot, so that's a difficult choice for me, but perhaps it's a possibility for you.

I feel your pain, so wish you well. Oh and if you find the answer, feel free to share.

eta: On rereading this it sounds negative. Don't mean to be negative, just being honest that even though I haven't had luck with them, I still think they're a good idea.

Also work as many ideas as you can. You never know hwere he's hiding.

 

[CowBoy18^]

I've been wondering this too. I am not looking for a quick fling, but not entirely sure I am ready to settle down yet either. I'd like to find someone I can carry a conversation with, find very attractive (inside and out), and be relaxed around. I dislike bars and club scenes, which is unusual for my age, but then again I just don't fit in with those types. Most of those websites are rip offs too, with false leads and the like, about the only luck I'm having finding people remotely interresting is eharmony.

 

[eudaemonia]

Appreciate all the advice.

Fetlife, The Playground -- Didn't know about the former until ~a week ago; will take a longer look through the latter. Thanks, yank.

Siggy advert -- :slaps forehead: Why didn't I think of that before?

University -- Good reminder, WW. I think my library and wireless access is still active. Reason enough to hang out for a spell if only to research sexuality articles.

While you may or may not consider yourself kinky (only you and your pole-dancing instructor know for sure), I've seen a fair amount of social interaction over there that might appeal to you. Plus, the interface allows for a much more elaborate profile page than is available here so you can articulate your interests clearly and thoroughly.

I noticed quite a few Munch opps in my locale, which if nothing more make fun field trips.

You bring up an important point about self-rating. I think for too long now I've thought of myself as not kinky enough for Lit outside of 'How To' when actually that's not a useful metric. I mean, even if BDSM activities don't do it for me doesn't mean I can't check at least a couple of kink boxes -- 'Chain Trick' or biting anyone?

Once I sorted through that self limiting belief it's been much easier to come up with some words for a personal ad, so that's a big step forward. Another step will be developing a more approachable affect in public. My tendency is to be so wrapped up in my own thoughts that I hardly notice others when I'm out and about. I need to slow down, take the time to just breathe and let the world in for a few minutes, maybe even flirt a little when the moment is right. It seems I've all but forgotten how to do that.