Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
- Joined
- Aug 18, 2007
- Posts
- 78,287
Well, that's a surprise. . .
More Humour
- Thread starter Handley_Page
- Start date
Well, that's a surprise. . .
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
- Joined
- Aug 18, 2007
- Posts
- 78,287
At the Card Shop:-
"Good Morning Madam, How may I help you?"
"I'd like a "Get Better Soon" card please."
"Certainly Madam. I do hope he's not too ill?"
"No - he's just crap at sex."
"Good Morning Madam, How may I help you?"
"I'd like a "Get Better Soon" card please."
"Certainly Madam. I do hope he's not too ill?"
"No - he's just crap at sex."
fma20fma
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Sep 13, 2009
- Posts
- 16,632
hi
a guy badly in need of a job joins as a salesman in a shop.
A woman enters the shop and asks for a brand of soap.
he politely says not in stock madam.
woman leaves the shop.
The owner calls the salesman and says"If you dont have that item try and motivate the buyer to buy some other alternate you have in the counter."
Another lady enters the shop and wants toilet paper.
The salesman enthusiastically says" madam, I have an alternate to toilet paper many people use now a days.excellent for all purposes and weather. May i pack some rolls of emery paper for you.?
a guy badly in need of a job joins as a salesman in a shop.
A woman enters the shop and asks for a brand of soap.
he politely says not in stock madam.
woman leaves the shop.
The owner calls the salesman and says"If you dont have that item try and motivate the buyer to buy some other alternate you have in the counter."
Another lady enters the shop and wants toilet paper.
The salesman enthusiastically says" madam, I have an alternate to toilet paper many people use now a days.excellent for all purposes and weather. May i pack some rolls of emery paper for you.?
BuckyDuckman
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Sep 18, 2011
- Posts
- 3,266
How do you stop a horde of raging, killer clowns?
Go for the juggler.
Go for the juggler.
Sammael Bard
Suit Up
- Joined
- Oct 19, 2013
- Posts
- 5,201
It only takes 3.5 inches to please a woman...
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Doesn't matter if it's visa or master card.
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Doesn't matter if it's visa or master card.
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
A man came home to find his wife packing. "Where are you
going?" he asked.
"To Las Vegas, I heard that a girl can make $50 for doing what I do for free with you."
He also then beganpacking, saying, "Im going to Vegas too. i want to see how youcan live on $50 a month!
going?" he asked.
"To Las Vegas, I heard that a girl can make $50 for doing what I do for free with you."
He also then beganpacking, saying, "Im going to Vegas too. i want to see how youcan live on $50 a month!
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
- Joined
- Aug 18, 2007
- Posts
- 78,287
Groan!
The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.
The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.
Henry was curious and invited them into his office.
They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.
They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.
The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.
The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.
Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Jewish, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords. They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.
And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show --
Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max -- on the controls.
The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.
The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.
Henry was curious and invited them into his office.
They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.
They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.
The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.
The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.
Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Jewish, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords. They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.
And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show --
Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max -- on the controls.
StrangeLife
Eater of beef
- Joined
- Jun 3, 2013
- Posts
- 3,799
StrangeLife
Eater of beef
- Joined
- Jun 3, 2013
- Posts
- 3,799
Sammael Bard
Suit Up
- Joined
- Oct 19, 2013
- Posts
- 5,201
What gets longer when pulled, fits between breasts, inserts neatly in a hole, and works best when jerked?
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Go on, make a guess.
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It's a Seatbelt, ya perverts!
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Go on, make a guess.
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It's a Seatbelt, ya perverts!
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
- Joined
- Aug 18, 2007
- Posts
- 78,287
SandraMustard
Literotica GYLF
- Joined
- Apr 21, 2012
- Posts
- 1,165
A policeman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.
The doctors operated and advised him that all was well; however, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.
Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he got enough energy to pull up his hospital gown enough so that he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.
Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily---if at all.
Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence, "Get well soon from the nurse in the Ford Explorer you pulled over last week."
The doctors operated and advised him that all was well; however, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.
Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he got enough energy to pull up his hospital gown enough so that he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.
Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily---if at all.
Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence, "Get well soon from the nurse in the Ford Explorer you pulled over last week."
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
- Joined
- Aug 18, 2007
- Posts
- 78,287
A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, upon a trip to Blackpool, I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. "So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground." I yelled, "Now, back! off!! Or you and your bike will end up in the sea !"
St. Peter was impressed, but said: "We don't show any record of this - when did all this happen?"
"About 20 fucking minutes ago."
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, upon a trip to Blackpool, I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. "So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground." I yelled, "Now, back! off!! Or you and your bike will end up in the sea !"
St. Peter was impressed, but said: "We don't show any record of this - when did all this happen?"
"About 20 fucking minutes ago."
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
- Joined
- Aug 18, 2007
- Posts
- 78,287
A man returned from a trip when a big storm hit their town, with crashing thunder and severe lightning. When he got home and into his bedroom at about 2 a.m., he found his two children in bed with my wife, apparently scared by the loud storm. He resigned himself to sleep in the guest bedroom that night.
The next day, he talked to the children, and explained that it was okay to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but, in the future, when he was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night. They said okay.
After his next trip several weeks later, his wife and the children picked him up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for his plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers.
As he entered the waiting area, his son saw him and ran toward him shouting, "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!"
As he waved back, Dad said loudly, "What's the good news?"
"Nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" the boy shouted.
The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at the man's son, then turned to him, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was.
The next day, he talked to the children, and explained that it was okay to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but, in the future, when he was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night. They said okay.
After his next trip several weeks later, his wife and the children picked him up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for his plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers.
As he entered the waiting area, his son saw him and ran toward him shouting, "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!"
As he waved back, Dad said loudly, "What's the good news?"
"Nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" the boy shouted.
The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at the man's son, then turned to him, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was.
Sammael Bard
Suit Up
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- Oct 19, 2013
- Posts
- 5,201
Now that's a hilarious special effect.
Sammael Bard
Suit Up
- Joined
- Oct 19, 2013
- Posts
- 5,201
Alright, Men! Say "I am a man" after everything I say, unless you have a doubt about it...
Me: You broke up with your girlfriend.
You:_______
Me: You decided to get drunk.
You:_______
Me: You went to the bar.
You:_______
Me: You found a hot chick there.
You:_______
Me: You invited her to your house and she said yes.
You:_______
Me: You both came into your room and had sex.
You:_______
Me: Next morning you wake up.
You:_______
Me: And she says...
You:_______
Me: You broke up with your girlfriend.
You:_______
Me: You decided to get drunk.
You:_______
Me: You went to the bar.
You:_______
Me: You found a hot chick there.
You:_______
Me: You invited her to your house and she said yes.
You:_______
Me: You both came into your room and had sex.
You:_______
Me: Next morning you wake up.
You:_______
Me: And she says...
You:_______
StrangeLife
Eater of beef
- Joined
- Jun 3, 2013
- Posts
- 3,799
Two blondes visit a Transylvanian castle. They spot a vampire.
Blonde#1: "COUNT DRACULA!"
Blonde#2: "One Dracula, two Dracula, three Dracula...."
Blonde#1: "COUNT DRACULA!"
Blonde#2: "One Dracula, two Dracula, three Dracula...."
Eroticalover1968
Experienced
- Joined
- Mar 25, 2014
- Posts
- 49
A man who owns a farm gets a Russian mail order bride, named Olga. Trouble is, he has a bunch of hired men around, so can't get much privacy. He's telling his neighbor about it. "So how do you two get along?"
"Good, she doesn't speak English though."
"How about...you know..."
"Well, we have a system. I find a secluded spot in the tall grass out back and fire my shotgun. She comes running and we make love."
"Can I meet Olga?"
"Naw, duck hunting season opened last week and I havn't seen her since."
"Good, she doesn't speak English though."
"How about...you know..."
"Well, we have a system. I find a secluded spot in the tall grass out back and fire my shotgun. She comes running and we make love."
"Can I meet Olga?"
"Naw, duck hunting season opened last week and I havn't seen her since."
StrangeLife
Eater of beef
- Joined
- Jun 3, 2013
- Posts
- 3,799
StrangeLife
Eater of beef
- Joined
- Jun 3, 2013
- Posts
- 3,799
JackLuis
Literotica Guru
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- Sep 21, 2008
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- 21,881
JackLuis
Literotica Guru
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Sammael Bard
Suit Up
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fma20fma
Literotica Guru
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