More Humour

[Sammael Bard]

If everyone is a pervert (tending toward abnormal activities) then there is no perversion; the 'perversion' is normal. It's just like, everyone can't be below average -- only half of us.

Since most humans have sex, the only sexual perversion is chastity.

Since most humans think about sex, a normal activity, then filling-in the blanks (above) to produce non-sexual terms is perverse.

QED have fun.

Now I don't feel that good about posting this "joke"....

 

[Handley_Page]

'Apple is TERRIFIED of women’s bodies and women’s pleasure'

NSFW Apple is weathering a sexism storm after its website apparently refused to engrave a raunchy poem on a newly ordered iPhone.


This is very funny:

See here.

 

[CarlusMagnus]

...everyone can't be below average -- only half of us.
QED have fun.

If 99,999,999 make $50,000 per year and one of us makes $10,000,000,000 per year, then 99,999,999 of us are below average. That's a little (!) more than half of us.

 

[Handley_Page]

If 99,999,999 make $50,000 per year and one of us makes $10,000,000,000 per year, then 99,999,999 of us are below average. That's a little (!) more than half of us.

Tell that to a politician!

 

[Zeb_Carter]

If 99,999,999 make $50,000 per year and one of us makes $10,000,000,000 per year, then 99,999,999 of us are below average. That's a little (!) more than half of us.

Depends on how you look at it. There are only 2 distinct groups. Those that make 50,000 and those who make 10,000,000,000. So half of the 2 groups are below the average, while the other half is above the average.

I could go on...aren't statistics wonderful?

 

[JackLuis]

Ref: New Action Army

http://img.wonkette.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/good-idea-fairy.jpg

 

[fma20fma]

hi

Thanks for the statistics. can we have some more jokes please?

 

[BuckyDuckman]

If 99,999,999 make $50,000 per year and one of us makes $10,000,000,000 per year, then 99,999,999 of us are below average. That's a little (!) more than half of us.

Which is why knowing the "mean" (as in "average") only tells part of the story. Beyond that, we need to know the "median" (the center, which would be 50,000) and the mode (the value that appears the most, again: 50,000).

Or, as Mark Twain said, "There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics." (*Note, Twain attributed that line to 19th-century British Prime Minister Benjamin Disraeli.)

Thanks for the statistics. can we have some more jokes please?

http://filipspagnoli.files.wordpress.com/2009/10/probability-of-meaningless-stats.jpg

http://filipspagnoli.files.wordpress.com/2009/07/statistics-extrapolation1.jpg

http://img0.joyreactor.com/pics/post/demotivation-posters-auto-327989.jpeg

 

[fma20fma]

hi

Or, as Mark Twain said, "There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics." (*Note, Twain attributed that line to 19th-century British Prime Minister Benjamin Disraeli.)
The other ministers all over the world are no better. This the general openion of 99.9% of the world's 99.5% population in 99.5 studies done by 99.5% of the studies.

 

[Hypoxia]

"Figgers don't lie but liars figger." --Mr Dooley

Averages: mean, median, mode. 'Average' is imprecise, but we're used to it. Statistics are easy to lie with. So are words. Distrust all words, all numbers, all everything. Only trust dark beer. Start with Anchor Steam and work your way down from there.

 

[Handley_Page]

And now, to return to our main theme:-

--------------
Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School.

"Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."

"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his Mother asked.

"Well, no, Mom, but, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"

 

[Handley_Page]

Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar
And stared up at the TV.

The 10 PM news was coming on.
The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building
Preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset. But willingly handed her $20 to Bob.
"Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied: "I can't take your money.
I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news,
So I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did, too,
But I didn't think he'd do it again."


Bob took the money.

 

[DG Hear]

Boy would i like a little pussy, but my wife has a great big huge one.


What is the rodeo position?
Fuck her doggie style then tell her she's the worst fuck you ever had.
now try to hold on for 8 seconds.


You think your shit don't stink but your farts give you away.

 

[Sammael Bard]

HP reminded me of another blonde joke.....

Once upon a time, the Grim Reaper approached a blonde.

"Your time in this mortal world is up, woman. Touch my hands and you will ascend to the next journey of your life."

This Blonde, apparently smart, quipped out,

"I won't give you my hand. If I don't, then I'll never die!"

The Reaper was rendered speechless. A slow, appreciative grin lights up his face.

"Wow! No one has ever cheated death before you! Gimme a HI FIVE!"

"Yay!"

And the blonde gives a hi-five.

 

[BuckyDuckman]

What is the rodeo position?
Fuck her doggie style then tell her she's the worst fuck you ever had.
now try to hold on for 8 seconds.

Good one, DG. The version I originally heard was a bit different:

How do you play rodeo?
Mount your wife doggie style and grab a handful of her hair before saying, "You're sister's tighter." Either way, the record remains 8 seconds.

The same person told me this one, too:

How do you make a woman scream in bed?
Do her up the butt and then wipe your dick on the curtains.

The depth misogynistic jokes can drop to truly amazes me:

Why do women have legs?
So they don't leave snail tracks on the kitchen floor.

Worse:
Why do women have pussies?
So men will talk to them.


Meanwhile, two men were crossing a bridge when the both felt the need to pee. They stood on opposite sides of the bridge, unzipped and began their business.
"Boy, the water beneath this bridge sure is cold," quipped the first guy.
"And deep," replied his buddy.

 

[Sammael Bard]

The same person told me this one, too:

How do you make a woman scream in bed?
Do her up the butt and then wipe your dick on the curtains.

That one is really good!

 

[Handley_Page]

I fell in love with a Gremlin once.

She was a hideous-looking thing, big ears and sharp teeth with a violently
destructive personality, but we got on wonderfully.

We were best friends and never left each other's side, both our families
approved of us and our friends were very supportive of our strange
relationship.

I began to feel we would last forever, as we were so in sync with each
other and in everything.

Well in everything exept the bedroom, and we eventually split up due to a
terribly unsuccessful sex life.

I just couldn't get her wet.

 

[BuckyDuckman]

I fell in love with a Gremlin once.

She was a hideous-looking thing, big ears and sharp teeth with a violently
destructive personality, but we got on wonderfully.

We were best friends and never left each other's side, both our families
approved of us and our friends were very supportive of our strange
relationship.

I began to feel we would last forever, as we were so in sync with each
other and in everything.

Well in everything exept the bedroom, and we eventually split up due to a
terribly unsuccessful sex life.

I just couldn't get her wet.

Okay, that one took a moment to catch - but once I did! LOL!!!!!

 

[DG Hear]

How can you tell when your girlfriend gets too fat?
when she sits on your face and you cant hear the stereo anymore.


What are the 5 reasons for not wanting to be an egg?
1. You only get laid once.
2. You only get eaten once.
3. It takes you 7 min. to get hard.
4. You have to come in a box with 11 other guys.
5. The only one that ever sits on your face is your mother.

 

[JustaSCOUNDREL]

Well DG, #5 above would make all the rest worthwhile for a large percentage of Lit. readers and writers.

 

[fma20fma]

hi

Quote: How do you make a woman scream in bed?
Do her up the butt and then wipe your dick on the curtains.

My ex bf used my undies.

 

[Sammael Bard]

Girls Night Out

As by Alice Williams:

One night my girls invited me out.

I promised my husband I'd be home by midnight. Hours passed and margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 AM (and a bit loaded) I headed home.

Just as I got in the house, the cuckoo clock chimed 3 times.

Afraid my hubby would wake I quickly cuckooed 9 more times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick witted solution.

The next morning he asked what time I got in.

I said "MIDNIGHT!"

He seemed fine so I thought I'd gotten away with it.

Then he said "We need a new cuckoo clock."

When I asked why he said "Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, said 'oh shit', cuckooed 4 times, cleared its throat, cuckooed 3 times again, giggled, cuckooed twice more, then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

 

[Handley_Page]

He: Have you seen my Turquoise Ralph Lauren Polo ?

She: I took it to Goodwill

He: It's my favourite!

She: Sorry; trying to do you a favour; it made you look a bit chubby.

He: I see. Did you give them your Hot pants as well?

She: You said they didn't make me look fat!

He: They don't. Your thighs have more to do with that.

 

[JackLuis]

An honest Politician!

Yep ol' Gil Fulbright of Kentucky. (youtube linky)

Tells the God's Honest Truth.

 

[Sammael Bard]

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it.