More Humour

[Sammael Bard]

Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know me?’

She responded, ‘Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me.

"You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?’

She again replied, ‘Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, ‘If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair.'

 

[Handley_Page]

Hazel MacCallion, Lady Mayor of some place in Ontario, was involved in a traffic accident, where she had been hit by a truck.
The gushing reporter asked her "You were hit by a truck. Is that right?"
Hazel merely replied "Yes."
But the reporter wasn't finished: "And what happened then?"
Hazel gazed at this reporter and said "The truck got sent for repairs"

[PS. There's a lesson there, somewhere.]

 

[Handley_Page]

Pity we don't hear of this sort of thing more often:

See Here.

 

[Handley_Page]

Got to love the creativity of small business owners �

Sign over a Gynaecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
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In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
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On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
**************************
At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit, please back in. "
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On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
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On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
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On a Church's Bill board:
"7 days without God makes one weak."
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At a Tire Depot in Milwaukee :
"Invite us to your next blow-out."
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At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.."
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On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts.."
******** ******************
In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
**************************
On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
**************************
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************
At the Electric Company
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."
**************************
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
**************************
At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank heaven for little grills."
**************************
And don't forget the sign at a
CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
**********************
Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"

 

[Handley_Page]

Walking through San Francisco 's Chinatown, a tourist from the Midwest was enjoying the artistry of all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners......

When he turned a corner and saw a building with the sign 'Moishe Plotnik's Laundry.'

'Moishe Plotnik?' he wondered. 'How does that belong in Chinatown ?'

He walked into the shop and saw a fairly standard looking dry cleaner, although he could see that the proprietors were clearly aware of the uniqueness of the store name as there were baseball hats, T-shirts and coffee mugs emblazoned with the logo 'Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry.'

The tourist selected a coffee cup as a conversation piece to take back to his office. Behind the counter was a smiling old Chinese gentleman who thanked him for his purchase.

The tourist asked, 'Can you explain how this place got a name like 'Moishe Plotnik's Laundry?''

The old man answered, 'Ah..Evleebody ask me dat. It name of owner.'

Looking around, the tourist asked, 'Is he here now?'

'It me, Me him!' replied the old man.

'Really? You're Chinese. How did you ever get a Jewish name like Moishe Plotnik?'
'
It simple' said the old man. 'Many, many year ago I come to thes country. I standing in line at ' Documentation Center of Immiglation.'
Man in front of me was Jewish man from Poland .'

'Lady at counter look at him and say to him, 'What your name?'

He say to her, 'Moishe Plotnik.'

Then she look at me and say, 'What your name?'

I say,'Sam Ting.'

 

[Sammael Bard]

Got to love the creativity of small business owners �

Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"

That one was really good

A pregnant woman got shot 3 times and recovered, but the bullets were never found. Later she had triplets, two girls and one boy.

Many years later, the first girl came up to her mom and told about how she peed out a bullet.

The next day the second came up and the mother said, "Lemme guess, you peed out a bullet too."

She was right.

The next day her young boy came up to his mom and says, "Mom, I'm so ashamed of what just happened"

The mother replied, "Aw, honey, it's alright, your sisters peed out a bullet too, it's nothing to be ashamed of."

"No, that's not it" he said. "I was rubbing myself, and I think I shot the dog"

 

[SandraMustard]

Got to love the creativity of small business owners �
**************************
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
**************************

This reminded me of a photo that I have seen linked on Facebook several times. It is of a message sign in front of a business. In addition to the company name and phone number is this claim:

"Septic tanks pumped. Swimming pools filled. Not the same truck."

 

[SandraMustard]

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight. When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his sons medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.

The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive".

"How much?" asked Grandpa.

"$10.00 a pill," answered the son.

"I don't care," said Grandpa, "Id still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, Ill put the money under the pillow."

Later the next morning, the son found $110..00 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00."

"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma."

 

[TxRad]

This reminded me of a photo that I have seen linked on Facebook several times. It is of a message sign in front of a business. In addition to the company name and phone number is this claim:

"Septic tanks pumped. Swimming pools filled. Not the same truck."

When I lived in Jacksonville Fla back in the late 60's and early 70's, there was a trash pickup service in town. The sign on the back of the truck said, "Satisfaction guaranteed or double your garbage back."

 

[Handley_Page]

I was pretty excited when my new girlfriend sent me a text message claiming
that she loves anal.

Dyslexic bitch. It turns out that she loves Alan, my best mate....

 

[Handley_Page]

Marie marched into the Bar where her pal Sue sat waiting.
She looked at the Barman and said:" A Double of whatever you have to hand; NOW!"

Sue looked up from her drink, smiled and said: "Tough Day?"

Marie took a healthy swig of her drink, smacked her lips and replied:" My son has grown up to be a misogynistic Arse. He told me today that he will 'only marry a virgin'. Why do men only want to marry a virgin."

Sue thought about it for a moment and said: " Probably because they cannot stand the criticism?"

 

[BuckyDuckman]

Superman was flying around the Earth on patrol when he spied Wonder Woman sunbathing in the nude. On a second pass, he noticed how her legs were spread wide open and thought to himself, "With my super speed, I bet I could bust a nut and be back on patrol before she even knows what hit her!"

With his plan in place, he does exactly that.

Meanwhile, on the beach, Wonder Woman asked the Invisible Man, "What the hell was that?"

"I don't know, but it just tore the hell out of my ass!"

 

[BuckyDuckman]

So, a lawyer and a reporter are standing on top of a new skyscraper. The reporter tells the lawyer, "This building has a very interesting design to prevent lawsuits from suicide attempts. Should anyone try to jump off the roof, wind currents will whisk the person right back on top of the building."

The lawyer is skeptical. Finally the reporter says, "I'll PROVE it!" The spectacle wearing reporter gets a running start, does a swan dive off the edge of the building and after falling several stories . . . HE'S SWEPT RIGHT BACK ON TOP OF THE ROOF!

The lawyer is dumbfounded. "Do it again!" he insists.

"Sure!" our mild mannered reporter says. "It's actually a lot of fun!" He gets another running start, takes another flying leap, falls about a dozen stories before the wind currents apparently whisk him right back on top of the building.

"Absolutely amazing!" exclaims the lawyer.

"You should try it!" the reporter insists. He demonstrates it again and finally, the lawyer decides he should try it, too.

The lawyer takes a flying leap off the top of the tall building and immediately falls to his death.

Meanwhile, the Flash and the Green Arrow happen to be walking down the street when a lawyer suddenly goes "PLOP!" right in front of them. The Green Arrow looks up at the building, shakes his head and says to his buddy, "Man, Superman sure hates lawyers, doesn't he?"

 

[b00blover36]

A man arrived at a church about a hour before his wedding with a huge smile on his face. His best-man asked, "Hay John, what are you smiling about?"

John replied, "I just got the most amazing blowjob ever and I'm marrying the woman that gave it to me."

About the same time on the other side of the church the bride arrived she too had a huge smile on her face. Her brides-maid asked "Why do you have such a big smile Mary?"

To which Mary responded, "I just gave my last blowjob."

 

[Sammael Bard]

Is it a sexist joke? Either way, take it in good humor

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes."

The woman freed the frog.

The frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"

The woman said, "That would be okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to."

The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me."

So, KAZAM! She's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, "That will be okay because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, KAZAM! She's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them!

Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue to feel good!

Male readers: Please scroll down.

The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!

Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart!

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show!

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!

 

[drteetho]

Hazel MacCallion, Lady Mayor of some place in Ontario, was involved in a traffic accident, where she had been hit by a truck.
The gushing reporter asked her "You were hit by a truck. Is that right?"
Hazel merely replied "Yes."
But the reporter wasn't finished: "And what happened then?"
Hazel gazed at this reporter and said "The truck got sent for repairs"

[PS. There's a lesson there, somewhere.]

FYI, that place is Mississauga, a city with a population of over 700K, located just outside of Toronto.

"Hurricane Hazel" has been mayor of Mississauga since 1978, and at the "tender" age of 93 will finally step down at the end of this current term in the fall of this year. She has been so popular in the city that in the last several municipal elections, she hasn't bothered to campaign, nor did she accept political donations, instead asking people to make the donations to charity instead.

In addition to her many accomplishments as mayor of Mississauga, she's a strong supporter of women's ice hockey, having played the game for a long time herself.

Quite a fascinating woman, she is.

 

[DG Hear]

A guy was sitting at a bar when his friend asked, Frank, what would
you do if you came home and found a guy humping your wife?

I'd break his white cane, trash his wheelchair and call the home he escaped from!

 

[Handley_Page]

Thought for the day...

It's only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realise that there is always a way to solve problems without using violence.

 

[Handley_Page]

Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee. (David Frost)

Any astronomer can predict with absolute accuracy just where every star in the universe will be at 11.30 tonight. He can make no such prediction about his teenage daughter. (James T. Adams)

Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla. (Jim Bishop)

 

[fma20fma]

hi

Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee. (David Frost)

Any astronomer can predict with absolute accuracy just where every star in the universe will be at 11.30 tonight. He can make no such prediction about his teenage daughter. (James T. Adams)

Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla. (Jim Bishop)

now I know what my dad thought when I was teen aged.

 

[Sammael Bard]

Now that you mention teenagers.....

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.

It was addressed, 'Dad'.

With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

"Dear, Dad.

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy. She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love, your son,
Joshua.

P.S . Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house.

I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home!"

 

[CarlusMagnus]

now I know what my dad thought when I was teen aged.

Refereeing is harder; I've been there. A referee can't give a player a good healthy swat on the ass when he (or, especially, she) needs it.

 

[fma20fma]

hi

Refereeing is harder; I've been there. A referee can't give a player a good healthy swat on the ass when he (or, especially, she) needs it.

my dad did that. (the swat was deserved and invited,enjoyed secretly by the recipient,yours truly) later my ex bf.now none yet.

 

[Sammael Bard]

my dad did that. (the swat was deserved and invited,enjoyed secretly by the recipient,yours truly) later my ex bf.now none yet.

Soooo.... Do you want some virtual swats from me?

 

[CarlusMagnus]

Soooo.... Do you want some virtual swats from me?

Maybe the fma20fma does. Are you a referee?