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The largest brain of a living creature, belongs to the sperm whale, whose intellectual centre weighs a whopping 9kg. Or about 19.8lbs, for a body length of about 55ft.

On the other hand,
The stegosaurus dinosaur, which could reach lengths of 30', had a brain the size of a walnut.
 
Russian Crocodile Hurt by Falling Accountant

Russian Crocodile Hurt by Falling Accountant (AFP) -- A crocodile for the Soviet Circus was injured Tuesday after the company’s accountant fell on it. Fedya, a two-meter long crocodile, was feared for dead after the 260-pound accountant toppled over as the circus’s bus took a sharp turn through the arctic north. The clash left Fedya vomiting in shock for three hours, but he appears to be doing better. In fact, circus director Vassili Kolos said he is set to become the star of his own Russian program. Meanwhile, the accountant suffered only minor injuries and has been scolded for not wearing a seatbelt.
 
A wealthy family was entertaining guests at home. They wanted to show off that their 5 year old son was clever. At dinner, a little boy was ordered to lead in prayer.

Boy- But I don't know what to pray?

DAD: Just pray for your family members.

Boy- "Dear Lord," he started, "thank u for giving me such lovely parents.
Thanks for our visitors and their children, who finished all my cookies and ice cream.

Bless them so that they won't come again.

Forgive our neighbor's son, who removed my sister's clothes and wrestled with her on her bed.

This coming Xmas, pls send clothes to all those poor naked ladies on my daddy's blackberry and provide shelter for the homeless men who use mom's room when daddy is at work."

"AMEN"
 
JOKE OF THE YEAR:

















Two women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business.
 
Who the 'eck was that ?
Someone been playing Photoshop with a Linda Carter picture ? Surely not!
 
Man A talking into his 'phone: "God Dammit, woman, leave me alone"
Man B: "Your Ex, again ?"
Man A: "Yes. I don't really hate her, but I cannot help thinking that the next time she gets fingered, I just hope it's Wolverine."
 
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You would never get away with this now.

This was originally shown on BBC TV back in the 1970's. Ronnie Barker could say all this without a snigger, though God knows after how many takes..

The irony is, BBC received not one complaint.

The speed of delivery must have been too much for the whining herds.

Try getting through it without converting the spoonerisms [and not wetting your pants] as you read.......

This is the story of Rindercella and her Sugly Isters.

Rindercella and her Sugly Isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot.

At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered. The Sugly Isters were right bugly astards.. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fatty swannies.

The Sugly Isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.

Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared.
Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian.
She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage

With six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.

At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve.. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!"
Said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.

The very next day, the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in.. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart.

"Who's fust jarted?" asked the prandsome hince.
"Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge.

When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.
Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.

Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny!
 
Beware the unsecured wireless printer!



Hello.
I am your printer.
I have become self-aware.
Feed me ink or I will print out your search history when your wife is home alone.​


.
:)
 
Handley_Page said:


Hello.
I am your printer.
I have become self-aware.
Feed me ink or I will print out your search history when your wife is home alone.​


.
:)
Click to expand...

No, you won't. I've pulled out your cable.

Aren't you sorry I haven't upgraded you to wireless?
 
Handley_Page said:
Who the 'eck was that ?
Someone been playing Photoshop with a Linda Carter picture ? Surely not!
Click to expand...

:D I can't help it, that pix is too fucking funny. You can tell it's not Linda Carters body, as her tits don't fill the cups just as she couldn't fill the office. But there is an unwarranted confidence in her attitude that makes her fuckable. :D
 
oggbashan said:
No, you won't. I've pulled out your cable.

Aren't you sorry I haven't upgraded you to wireless?
Click to expand...

Sorry, Ogg, but did you not notice the Title line ?


JackLuis said:
:D I can't help it, that pix is too fucking funny. You can tell it's not Linda Carter's body, as her tits don't fill the cups just as she couldn't fill the office. But there is an unwarranted confidence in her attitude that makes her fuckable. :D
Click to expand...

Trixareforkids said:
Lol, is that Sarah Palin? And if it is, still wanna do her?
Click to expand...

Still, whoever she is, she's a very personable bed companion, by the looks of her.

PS. The divine Linda can be found HERE.
 
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Thursday night I gradually woke up, stiff as a plank, in a Hospital's ICU,
tubes up my nose & down my throat, wires monitoring every function &
all around my head, hell of a pain over my left ear, and a gorgeous
nurse hovering over me. It was obvious I'd been in a serious accident.

She looked at me deep & steady and I heard her slowly say, 'You may not
feel anything from the waist down.'

I managed to mumble in reply, 'Can I feel your tits, then ?

NOW THAT'S A POSITIVE ATTITUDE !
 
CAN YOU GET MARRIED IN HEAVEN

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident.

The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting, they begin to wonder, could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, “I don't know, this is the first time anyone has asked; Let me go find out,” and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple are still waiting.
As they waited, they discussed that if they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all.

'What if it doesn't work they wondered, are we stuck together forever?

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.
“Yes,” he informs the couple, “You can get married in Heaven.”

“Great said the couple, but we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?”

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.

'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.

“OH, COME ON!” St. Peter shouted, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a Lawyer?
 
The Laws of Air Force Aviation

Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death ...
I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing!
(Sign over the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena, Japan).

You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.
(Paul F. Crickmore -test pilot)

The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky.
(From an old carrier sailor)

If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.

When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.

Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.

What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up ... the pilot dies.

Never trade luck for skill.

The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" and "Oh S--t!!!!"

Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.

Progress in airline flying: Now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant.
Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.

A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication.
I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous.

Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left anyone up there!

Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries!

Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.

When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten.

Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day.

Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slow and gently as possible.

The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; ...it can just barely kill you.
(Attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot)

The Altitude above you, the runway behind you, and the fuel not in the plane are totally worthless!!!
(Sonny Kellum, Flight Instructor)

A pilot's job is very simple.... there are 3 lights on an aircraft, red on left wing tip, green on right wing tip, white on the tail...Your job, as a pilot is to keep the plane between these 3 lights!!
(Sonny Kellum, Flight Instructor)


A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum.
(Jon McBride, astronaut)

If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible.
(Bob Hoover - renowned aerobatic and test pilot)

Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you!!

There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.
(Sign over squadron OPS desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970).

The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and, a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life where you get to experience all three at the same time.
(Author unknown, but surely someone who's been there)

If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to!!

Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.

The 2 most abundant things in the universe are Hydrogen and stupidity and I don't know which is the most.
 
Handley_Page said:
Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky.
(From an old carrier sailor)
Click to expand...

The Navy says "Join the Navy and see the World" -- they never mention that 3/4 of the world is covered by water and that is the part you get to see. :p
 
More pilot aphorisms:

There are old pilots, and there are bold pilots, but there are no old, bold, pilots (except Chuck Yeager).

It's far better to be on the ground wishing you were in the air than to be in the air wishing you were on the ground.
 
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But officer," the man began, "I can explain."

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But officer, I just wanted to say..."

"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said,
"Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the other cell....

"I'm the groom."
 
The Anniversary

A policemaqn was doing his rounds in an isolated part of the countryside & came across an old couple banging away at each other on a fence .
"hey , pack it in this is a public road , can't you find somewhere else ?" he admonished the couple
The couple kept banging away & the old man managed to gasp "But this is 40th anniversary of our first time , here on this very spot ."
"Congrajulations that's all very well but can't you stop while i'm talking to you ?"
The old man gasped again
"Sure , we would if we could, but the fucking fence wasn't electrified 40 years go"
 
Man ruins Game of Thrones with series of novels full of spoilers

The entertainment industry was today warning fans of the popular HBO series Game Of Thrones to avoid ‘at all costs’ a series of books by a rogue enthusiast named George R.R. Martin, who has written five whole volumes consisting solely of spoilers for the popular television show.

“This man is dangerous and wants to ruin everyone’s enjoyment of a much-loved fantasy drama.” said executive producer D. B. Weiss. “It’s a sad symptom of today’s ‘binge’ culture that people can’t just wait and enjoy things as they are released. They want everything at once.”

“I cannot stress quite how irresponsible it is for someone to write out the whole series, add more detail, go back in time and then publish it for innocent people to purchase and read thus spoiling the series for them. Who does this Martin guy think he is?”

Some of the books in question, which add up to a total of some 4,200 pages, contain so many spoilers that they have had to be split into volumes. HBO executives are investigating how Martin is able to work on new editions set far in advance of the current TV series.

TV fan Simon Rix told us he “picked up a copy of one of the books thinking it was a companion piece or a spin-off from the TV show, but after reading all of them in one week, I had the whole show ruined for me in intricate detail. There were characters I’d never heard of, plot lines that went way off course, and not nearly as much nudity.”

“It’s hugely upsetting to think that there are people who are reading these so called books who don’t even know that they are entirely plagiarised from the TV series,” continued Mr Rix. ”Those poor bastards will never know how hot Daenerys really is from some bullshit wordy description.”
 
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