More Humour

[JTass]

I told my mom that she had penciled her eyebrows on too high. She looked surprised to hear it.

 

[StillStunned]

"Doctor, my penis has turned orange."
"That's strange. Undress and I'll examine it. In the meantime, has anything changed in your life? Your diet, perhaps?"
"Well, my wife recently left me, so I suppose I haven't been eating properly."
"I'm sorry to hear it! Why did she leave?"
"It was after I lost my job."
"Lost your job and then your wife? That must be awful!"
"Nah, it's not too bad. I can spend all day watching porn and eating Cheetos."

 

[AG31]

This has got to be an old one.

Patient: Doctor, I have an orgasm every time I sneeze.

Psychiatrist: So tell me what your problem is.

 

[AG31]

I would have put this in "Just One Line" if that weren't restricted to authors other than oneself. (Edit: I see that's not a restriction for Just One Line, in fact it's for your own stuff. What thread was I looking it?) It's not particularly funny. is there another thread where you can post your own one line inspirations? Anyhoo....

Hubby and I were musing about the possibility of remembering both errands we wanted to do on our way to summer digs. We're at an age where remembering anything requires effort. We wondered if we'd remember the second errand after performing the first. I said, "No. I'd be so flooded with pride that it would wash away all other thoughts."

I thought it had a ring. Glad I have AH to brag about such stuff.

 

[TarnishedPenny]

Q. What goes clip-clop, clip-clop, bang-bang, clip-clop?
A. A drive-by Amish shooting.

 

[Smuttyandfun]

Just read a list of...
"100 Things To Do Before You Die."
I'm surprised
"YELLING FOR HELP" wasn't one of them.

 

[Smuttyandfun]

Q: What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter?
A: Pumpkin pi.

 

[MediocreAuthor]

In writing, tone can mean the difference between:

"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."

and

"Sorry, Daddy. I've been naughty."

 

[AG31]

Two ants were in a kitchen cupboard, the one in front began running rapidly. The one in back asked what was up. The one in front said, "It says 'Tear along dotted line.'"

 

[ChatterCock]

Two ants were in a kitchen cupboard, the one in front began running rapidly. The one in back asked what was up. The one in front said, "It says 'Tear along dotted line.'"

Funny, that’s what it said on my motorcycle licence. But when I actually did it…

 

[Astrotrain]

The pope walks into a mosque. The imam says "Why the wrong faith?"

 

[Duleigh]

I was talking to my literary agent this morning, he said "We're well on the way to your SECOND MILLION DOLLARS IN SALES!"

"WOW!" I said. Then I just had to ask, "When did I make that first million?"

"Oh, that? It just wasn't happening, we had to give up on that..."