More Humour

[Handley_Page]

For the benefit of any former military types:-

Points to remember when under fire.

.
1. You are not superman

2. Recoiless rifles - aren’t

3. Suppressive fire - won’t

4. Don’t look conspicuous - it draws fire

5. Never draw fire - it irritates everyone around you

6. When in doubt - empty the magazine

7. Never, never share a trench with anyone braver than you

8. Your weapon was made by the lowest bidder

9. If your attack is going really well, it’s an ambush

10. If you can’t remember, the claymore is pointed towards you

11. All five second grenade fuses are three seconds

12. Try to look unimportant, they maybe low on ammo

13. If you are forward of your position , the artillery will be short

14. The enemy diversion you are ignoring is the main attack

15. When you have secured an area, don’t forget to tell the enemy

16. Teamwork is essential, it gives the enemy other people to shoot at

17. Incoming fire has right of way

18, if the enemy are in range - so are you

19. Friendly fire isn’t

20, tracers work both ways

21. The only thing more accurate than incoming fire is incoming friendly fire

22. Radios will always fail as soon as you need fire support

 

[Sammael Bard]

You get what you ask for

http://m.lovethispic.com/uploaded_images/blogs/36-1430005552-8-4.png

 

[Handley_Page]

THE FINAL WORD ON NUTRITION

After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final word on nutrition and health.:

1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart Attacks than us.

3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer Fewer heart attacks than us.

4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

6. The French eat foie-Gras, full fat cheese and Drink red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

 

[beachbum1958]

If you think you're still sober enough this new Year's Eve, see if you can read OUT LOUD the following poem.

Dearest creature in creation,
Study English pronunciation.
I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.
I will keep you, Suzy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy.
Tear in eye, your dress will tear.
So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.
Just compare heart, beard, and heard,
Dies and diet, lord and word,
Sword and sward, retain and Britain.
(Mind the latter, how it’s written.)
Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as plaque and ague.
But be careful how you speak:
Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;
Cloven, oven, how and low,
Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.
Hear me say, devoid of trickery,
Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,
Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,
Exiles, similes, and reviles;
Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
Solar, mica, war and far;
One, anemone, Balmoral,
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;
Gertrude, German, wind and mind,
Scene, Melpomene, mankind.
Billet does not rhyme with ballet,
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
Blood and flood are not like food,
Nor is mould like should and would.
Viscous, viscount, load and broad,
Toward, to forward, to reward.
And your pronunciation’s OK
When you correctly say croquet,
Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,
Friend and fiend, alive and live.
Ivy, privy, famous; clamour
And enamour rhyme with hammer.
River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,
Doll and roll and some and home.
Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
Neither does devour with clangour.
Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,
Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant,
Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger,
And then singer, ginger, linger,
Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge,
Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.
Query does not rhyme with very,
Nor does fury sound like bury.
Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth.
Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath.
Though the differences seem little,
We say actual but victual.
Refer does not rhyme with deafer.
Fe0ffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
Mint, pint, senate and sedate;
Dull, bull, and George ate late.
Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,
Science, conscience, scientific.
Liberty, library, heave and heaven,
Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.
We say hallowed, but allowed,
People, leopard, towed, but vowed.
Mark the differences, moreover,
Between mover, cover, clover;
Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
Chalice, but police and lice;
Camel, constable, unstable,
Principle, disciple, label.
Petal, panel, and canal,
Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.
Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,
Senator, spectator, mayor.
Tour, but our and succour, four.
Gas, alas, and Arkansas.
Sea, idea, Korea, area,
Psalm, Maria, but malaria.
Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.
Doctrine, turpentine, marine.
Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion and battalion.
Sally with ally, yea, ye,
Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.
Say aver, but ever, fever,
Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.
Heron, granary, canary.
Crevice and device and aerie.
Face, but preface, not efface.
Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.
Large, but target, gin, give, verging,
Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.
Ear, but earn and wear and tear
Do not rhyme with here but ere.
Seven is right, but so is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,
Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,
Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.
Pronunciation (think of Psyche!)
Is a paling stout and spikey?
Won’t it make you lose your wits,
Writing groats and saying grits?
It’s a dark abyss or tunnel:
Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale,
Islington and Isle of Wight,
Housewife, verdict and indict.
Finally, which rhymes with enough,
Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough?
Hiccough has the sound of cup.
My advice is to give up!!!


You’ve been reading “The Chaos” by Gerard Nolst Trenité, written nearly 100 years ago in 1922, designed to demonstrate the irregularity of English spelling and pronunciation.

 

[Handley_Page]

The one above looks harder than it is, I reckon.


Ladies: Be very careful what you wish for!

Viagra Wife Diary

Day 1
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to reenact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.
Day 2
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.
Day 3
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of Nelson's Column and burst into tears.
Day 4
A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his 'problem'. It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.
Day 5
What absolute bliss!!
Day 6
Isn't life wonderful but it's difficult to write while he's doing that.

Day 7
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, have to admit it's very nice - I don't think I've ever been so happy.
Day 8
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker. I'm also getting a bit sore down there.
Day 9
No time to write. He might catch me.
Day 10
Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with neat whisky! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over....
Day 11
I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He's a complete pig.
Day 12
I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous...
Day 13
Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" thing again, I'll kill the [#@!$].
Day 14
I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him more horny. Help me!
Day 15
I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to everything I sit on. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over any more. Last night I told him to go and screw himself and he did.
Day 16
The [#@!$] has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.
Day 17
Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference...Christ! Here he comes again!
Day 18
He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him.
What absolute bliss!

 

[CarlusMagnus]

…read OUT LOUD the following poem…

And, on a closely related matter, we have:

Eye halve a little spell chequer;
It came with my pea sea.
It plane lee marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word,
And weight four it two say
Weather aye am wrong oar write.
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid,
It nose bee for two long;
And eye can put the error rite.
Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no.
Its letter perfect awl the weigh.
My chequer tolled me sew.

 

[Handley_Page]

Shortly after I got married, I was invited for a night out with the boys. I told the wife that I would be home by midnight...
Well, the jokes were being spun and the beer was going down well, and at around 3 AM, drunk as a skunk, I went home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock started, and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for having the presence of mind, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict. Next morning the wife asked me what time I got in. I told her 12 o'clock.
Whew! Got away with that one!

Then she told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock.
When I asked why, she said, "Well, it cuckooed 3 times, cuckooed another 4 times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, farted, then cuckooed twice more and started giggling."

 

[Handley_Page]

Winter Boots


[This tale is dedicated to all teachers of young children, such as our very own Glynndah Goodwitch.

He asked for help and she could see why.
Even with her pulling,and him pushing,the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.
She almost cried when the little boy said,
'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.'

She looked, and sure enough, they were.

Unfortunately,it wasn't any easier pulling the boots off, than it was putting them on.

She managed to keep her cool as, together,they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the correct feet.
He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.'

She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so?' like she wanted to.

Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.
No sooner had they got the boots off when he said,
'They're my brother's boots. But my Mom made me wear 'em today.'

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry.
But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots BACK onto his feet again. Helping him into his coat, she asked,
'Now, where are your mittens?'

He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots...'

She'll be eligible for parole in three years.

 

[Sammael Bard]

Hehe...

https://scontent.fmaa1-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/fr/cp0/e15/q65/15941006_1175797225829556_6598516119237210031_n.jpg?efg=eyJpIjoidCJ9&oh=3a5e77c0988c9c2fc6e62f69df175352&oe=591AD1B3

 

[Handley_Page]

A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands. When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:

"You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building”

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

-The 1st floor sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs
-The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
-The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

-She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

-Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:

-Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store just across the street.

-The 1st first floor has wives that love sex.
-The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and are very pretty.
-The 3rd floor has wives that love sex, are very pretty and have money

- the 4th floor has never been visited.

 

[49greg]

You're made out of meat.

rj

Reminds me of the three day survival training as an army recruit a long long time ago. At the end of the course the chief instructor told us that every mammal with fur was eatable. Then in his loud "sergeant voice" commanded us to take off our headgear and put our hands on our heads.

So we're sanding without our helmets and with our hands on our heads, and he says,"think about it," then smiles and walks away. (not that any of us had much hair up there back then LOL)

So I guess, in extreme situations ... .

The next thing that happened that day was our own Drill Sergeant walked out in front of us and gave us twenty push ups for having our headgear off.

Live just isn't fair in the army. Especially in Basic and AIT.

 

[Handley_Page]

She came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

The wife was VERY upset. "You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!"

And he replied:

"Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can tell you what happened.
"Fine, go ahead", she sobbed, "but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"

And he began:

"Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty.
“She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days!

“So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

“Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.
"I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
"I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair just like them.."

He took a quick breath and continued:

"She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said:

"'Please........do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'"

 

[curl4ever]

EXTREMELY funny!!! Thanks for posting, HP!

(Hits too close to home for me, of course, but still extremely funny!)

- curl

 

[Handley_Page]

Field sobriety test

A man is driving home, when is pulled over by a Police car for having a broken indicator. The officer looks into the chaps car and sees a collection of knives on the back seat.
"Sir," says the officer. "Why do you have all those knives ?"

"They're for my juggling act," the man replies.

"I don't believe you," says the officer. "Prove it."
So the chap gets out of his car and begins juggling the knives.
At the same time, a car with two blokes in it drives past on they're way home from the pub.

"Ferk me" says the first guy. "the Coppers round here are really cracking down on drink driving"


The Helpful Man

A man is driving down the road and notices a car in the ditch. He doesn't usually help many people so he drives on by. Then he notices that a pretty woman is the driver so he goes back to help.
As he is hooking his truck to her car he says

"You know, you are the first pregnant woman I've ever helped out of a ditch."

"But I'm not pregnant" she says.

"you're not out of the ditch yet, either" he says.

===== =======

Those Raccoons Are Not Luggage

As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by aeroplane.

When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons. "Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?" she asked.

"No, thanks," replied the vultures. "They're carrion."

 

[JackLuis]

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn’t.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.

Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, “How dare you touch my body! I don’t even know who you are!”

The Texan smiled and drawled, “Well, ma’am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.”

 

[Handley_Page]

The danger of having sports figures as role models for kids....

1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:
"I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."

2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:
"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skin's say:
"I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl,"
Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."

4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins:
"He treat us like mens. He let us wear earrings."

5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann:
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh :
"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.."
(Now that is beautiful)

7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach:
"You guys line up alphabetically by height."
And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."

8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison:
"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton .."

9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker:
"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."

10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota:
"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is."

11. Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice:
"My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt. (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)

12. Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player:
"I asked him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?'
He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.''

13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D:
"Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

14. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford:
"I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious."

Ah, but just think, they ride to the bank in a Mercedes...

 

[My I]

Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, “I’d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.”

The waitress replies, “I’m sorry, Monsieur, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?”

 

[My I]

A philosopher says to a linguist “What if, instead of periods, women had apostrophes?” The linguist replied, “They'd be more possessive and have more frequent contractions.”

 

[Handley_Page]

Two men are out ice fishing at their favourite fishing hole, just fishing quietly and drinking beer.

Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months."

Earl continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says, "You'd better think it over - women like that are hard to find."

 

[oggbashan]

Sicilian joke

Two policemen are walking along a street. One of them is looking at his phone when he bangs his head on a pole.

He looks up and sees the sign - "Do Not Stop".

So he continues to bang his head against the pole.

His colleague puts a hand on his arm.

"Friend, don't be so silly. We are policemen. Laws are for the public, not for us."




Sicilians don't like policemen and think anyone who becomes one must be stupid.

 

[Handley_Page]

One night Jerry brought home a dozen red roses to his wife.
"How lovely, Dear," she said. "What's the occasion?"
"I want to make love to you," he said simply.
"Not tonight, Dear. I have a headache," answered his wife.

The a day or two later, Jerry came home with a big box of chocolates and explained that he wanted to make love with her.
"I'm awfully tired, Honey," said his wife. "Not tonight."

Every night for ages, Jerry brought home something, but each time his wife's answer was no.

Finally he came home with six black kittens with little red bows around their necks and handed them to his wife. "How adorable, Jerry!" she exclaimed. "But what are they for?"

The husband replied, "These are six little pallbearers for your dead pussy."

 

[JackLuis]

A First grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, “Johnny what is your problem?”

Johnny answered, “I’m too smart for the first grade. My sister is in the third grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!”

The teacher had had enough. She took Johnny to the principal’s office. While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. The teacher agreed.

Johnny was brought in and the conditions are explained to him and he agrees to take the test.

Principal: “What is 3 x 3?”
Johnny: “9”.
Principal: “What is 6 x 6?”
Johnny: “36”.

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, “I think Johnny can go to the third grade.

“The teacher says to the principal, “Let me ask him some questions?” The principal and Johnny both agree. The teacher asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?”

Johnny, after a moment, “Legs.”
Teacher: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?” The principal’s eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnny replied, “Pockets.”
Teacher: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?”
Johnny: “Pants”
Teacher: “What starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means a lot of excitement?”
Johnny: “Fire truck.”

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, “Put Johnny in the fifth grade, I missed the last four questions myself.

 

[rjordan]

Teacher: “What starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means a lot of excitement?”
Johnny: “Fire truck.”

In the early 60's Soupy Sales had a kids program on a NYC TV station. he was suspended for asking that question of his audience. But he said ...and ends with U,C,K."

rj

 

[Hypoxia]

In the early 60's Soupy Sales had a kids program on a NYC TV station. he was suspended for asking that question of his audience. But he said ...and ends with U,C,K."

IIRC the gag was Soupy asking a puppet character to read a displayed alphabet. The puppet said, "A, B, C, D, E, K, G, H..." Soupy stopped him and said something like, "Wait that's not what I see. Try that again." The puppet repeated. Then, Soupy's punchline: "Why is it what where I see F, you see K?"

 

[CarlusMagnus]

IIRC the gag was Soupy asking a puppet character to read a displayed alphabet. The puppet said, "A, B, C, D, E, K, G, H..." Soupy stopped him and said something like, "Wait that's not what I see. Try that again." The puppet repeated. Then, Soupy's punchline: "Why is it what where I see F, you see K?"

Both this and the fire truck joke are commonly told stories about Soupy. There is probably no truth to either—or to any of the other, similar tales.

<http://www.snopes.com/radiotv/tv/soupyjokes.asp>