More Humour

[Handley_Page]

Wife gets naked and asks hubby ...

"What turns you on more ... My blue eyes ... My pouting red blowjob lips
... My pretty face ... My D-Cup tits ... My nice tight little Pussy,or my
sexy firm arse?"

Hubby looks her up and down and replies "Your sense of fucking humour!"

 

[Handley_Page]

What is a Cat?

1. Cats do what they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
5. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
6. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
7. They're moody.
8. They leave hair everywhere.

CONCLUSION:
They're tiny women in little fur coats.

What is a Dog?

1. Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
4. They growl when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to play.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They leave their toys everywhere.
8. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.
9. They go right for your crotch as soon as they meet you.

CONCLUSION:
They're tiny men in little fur coats.

 

[CarlusMagnus]

Not for the faint-hearted...

http://www.20min.ch/ro/videotv/?vid=339276

 

[robertreams]

Ha Ha I guess you don't meet many of the 2,000,000 children on welfare. In fact, in most states, only persons with children are eligible. Ever tried to live on welfare amounts? I think the members of congress should be given only welfare. They worked only 107 days in 2013. Now that's funny.

 

[robertreams]

But here's a joke that is funny. A man in rural Minnesota's barn caught fire. First he called the municipal fire department of the nearest city. Then he called the rural volunteer fire department. The municipal fire fighter arrived first. They stood well back and sprayed water on the barn. The fire threatened the house.

Then the volunteer fire department drove up. They didn't stop but drove right nto the flames and fought desperately until the flames were extinguished.

The farmer decided to reward the volunteers with a check for 1000 dollars. A news reporter happened to be on the scene. He interviewed the head of the volunteer fire department. "What will you do with the $1000 reward," the reporter asked the chief. "Well, first thing", the chief responded, "Is fix the brakes on that damned old truck!

TA DA

 

[Handley_Page]

A man received the following text from his neighbor:

I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.

I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around.

In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse.

I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest
apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun,
and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in: Damn auto correct. I meant
"wifi", not "wife".

 

[JustaSCOUNDREL]

Damn it Handley, I'm going to hell and it's all your fault. I just laughed at the above joke.

Shaking head sadly while I go look for a bible.

 

[Handley_Page]

We had a power outage at my place last week and my PC, laptop, TV, DVD, iPad & my new surround sound music system were all shut down.

Then I discovered that my cell phone battery was flat and to top it off it was raining outside, so I couldn't go shooting.

I went into the kitchen to make coffee and then I remembered that this also needs power, so I talked with my wife for a few hours.

She seems like a nice person ...

 

[Handley_Page]

Before Walmart (and similar stores),
you used to have to buy tickets at the fair to see a bearded lady.

 

[Handley_Page]

He looks at her and says: "I read on this website that semen can help prevent tooth decay"

She looks demurely at him and says: "Are you trying wangle s blow-job out of me?"

He replies: "Well, that would, of course, be great, but that's not the thought that came into my mind when reading about it. I just realised that our daughter is in high school and still has all her baby teeth."

 

[Handley_Page]

I was on the stand as witness to a rape.

"So," said the counsel for the defence. "You saw my client wrestle Miss Smith to the ground.
And then what did you see?"

"I saw him rip off her blouse and undo his flies," I replied.

"And then what?" he asked.

"I saw him insert his penis into her and start moving rhythmically back and forward.

"And then?" he asked.

"I don't know," I replied. "I dropped my binoculars when I fell out of the tree."

 

[Handley_Page]

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED :


Men Are Just Happier People --
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack...
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
If someone forgets to invite you, He or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives
On December 24 in 25 minutes.

___________________________________


Men Are Just Happier People

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators... YEP!!!

MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

 

[Handley_Page]

50 Plus

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement.
When you are done you will have a place to live.

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 50+-year-old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: Why should 50+-year-old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 50+-year-olds to have problems with short-term Memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not the problem. Retrieving it is a problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where do 50+-year-olds look for fashionable glasses?
A: Their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 50+ -year-olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "I remember these."

 

[Handley_Page]

To Be 8 again!

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was
looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not
far off he asked what she'd like tohave for her birthday.

'I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .


On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
'I meant my dress size, you f@*#*! retard!!!!'


The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

 

[Handley_Page]

My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."
I was stunned.
I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

"The moral of this story is:"

"Always keep your condoms in your car."

 

[Handley_Page]

No sex after surgery ...

A recent article in the Kentucky Post reported that a woman, one Anne Maynard, has sued St Luke's hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied ... "Mr. Maynard was admitted in Ophthalmology - all we did was correct his eyesight."

 

[Handley_Page]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute.

"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

 

[Handley_Page]

At St. Peter's Roman Catholic Church in Wilmington, they have weekly husbands' marriage seminars. At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I took her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!'

The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?'

Giuseppe proudly replied,
" I gonna go pick her up."

 

[Handley_Page]

From "the Register"

The Personal Computer Memory Card International Association's eponymous 1990 PCMCIA card standard used to jokingly be decoded as People Can't Memorise Computer Industry Acronyms.

Nearly a quarter of a century later that jape has been proven anew, after an online coupons outfit called Vouchercloud let The Los Angeles Times publish the “results” of a “study” of “2,392 men and women 18 years of age or older” who were asked to decode some more recent technology terms.

The headline finding is that 11 per cent thought “HTML” is a sexually transmitted disease.

Other jaw-droppers for Reg-reading digerati include:

Gigabyte being identified as “an insect commonly found in South America” by 27 per cent of respondents
42 per cent saying motherboards are "the deck of a cruise ship"
MP3 is thought to be a cousin of R2D2, after 23 per cent thought the audio file format is a "Star Wars" robot
USB was thought to be shorthand for a European country by 12 per cent of respondents

Blu-Ray was held to be a marine animal by 18 per cent of respondents, while software was defined as comfortable clothes by 15 per cent.

Those PCMCIA people were amazingly prescient.

Taken from HERE.

 

[A_Little_Show]

[deleted]

 

[Handley_Page]

One evening after work John drove his secretary home after she was unable to start her car. Not wanting to bother his wife, Maureen, he decided not to mention it to her.

Later that night John and Maureen were driving out to eat when the John spotted a high-heeled shoe hidden under the passenger seat. Pointing to something out the passenger window to distract his wife, he picked up the shoe and tossed it out of his window.
They arrived at the restaurant a short time later and were about to get out of the car when Maureen enquired, 'John, have you seen my other shoe?'

 

[Handley_Page]

The Current Security Levels and their meanings ...

Please Read The Security Related Material Below Carefully


The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."
Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross."
The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards."
They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line in the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.
These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy
can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their
allies, just in case.

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!".
Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "Shit, I hope Australia will come and rescue us".

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to
"She'll be right, mate".
Three more escalation levels remain, "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled".

 

[A_Little_Show]

[deleted]

 

[A_Little_Show]

[deleted]

 

[A_Little_Show]

[deleted]