More Humour

[MediocreAuthor]

Here's one I just heard on Facebook lol

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A dog gets lost in the jungle, and she's wandering around, looking for her way home, when she gets spotted by a lion.

The lion thinks, 'Hmmm... That thing looks tasty!' and charges, ready to eat the dog.

The dog spots the lion, but she also happens to see some bones laying on ground nearby. She grabs one and starts gnawing on it and remarks, "Yum! That sure was a tasty lion!"

The lion stops dead in his tracks and thinks, 'That thing eats lions? Ooh, it must be poisonous or something! I'm not taking any chances!' And he backs off.

A monkey sitting high up in a tree saw the whole thing, so he follows the lion back home.

"My king!" says the monkey, "I come with information, that I hope will give me favor in your eyes! The dog played a trick on you! She is actually helpless!"

The lion was furious. "Jump on my back then, monkey. And we will chase down this dog together!"

The monkey obeys and rides the lion back to where the dog is.

The dog sees them coming but pretends not to notice.

"Where's that damn monkey?!" she barks loudly, as if annoyed. "He was supposed to bring me another lion an hour ago!"

 

[JTass]

My dad told me this joke when I was six, and it still makes me chuckle every time I hear it:

Q1: Why do ducks have big webbed feet?
A1: To stamp out forest fires.
Q2: Why do elephants have big flat feet?
A2: To stamp out flaming ducks.

 

[BobbyBrandt]

Merry Christmas

 

[JTass]

One day, the pope is relaxing in his quarters at the Vatican with a crossword puzzle, when he gets stumped by a clue.
He calls one of his bishops who is also a crossword buff and asks, "What's a four-letter word for 'a woman of an older generation' ending in u-n-t?
The bishop thinks about it for a moment then replies, "Aunt."
The pope snaps his fingers and says, "Oh, of course! Now where did I put my eraser?"

 

[TarnishedPenny]

The Pope is quietly sleeping when his door bangs open and one of the cardinals bustles in.

“Holiness! Holiness!” he cried. “Wake up, wake up!”

The Pope pulls himself awake.

“What is it, my son?”

“I have good news, Holiness, but also bad news.”

“Give me the good news first, then.”

“Yes, Holiness. The good news is that the Second Coming is upon us. We have just received a personal phone call from our Lord!”

“Well, that’s delightful, my son! That’s the best possible news! What could possibly be bad!”

The cardinal’s face fell.

“Well, Holiness, He was calling from Salt Lake City.”

 

[MediocreAuthor]

I'm sure you've all heard this one:

Question: "What do you call the useless flesh attached to the end of the penis?"

Answer: "The man."

 

[AG31]

 

[JTass]

It doesn't matter if you're a decorated combat veteran, a bad-ass Hell's Angel, or the CEO of a Fortune 500 company... When a two-year old hands you a toy phone, you answer it.

 

[Candy_Kane54]

Five blondes troop in and up to the bar. The first blonde says, "A round of drinks for me and my friends!"

The bartender quickly serves the drinks and watches as they all lift their glasses. The first blonde says, "A toast! To fifty one days!" and they all throw back the drink.

The first blonde calls out, "Another round for me and my friends!"

The bartender once again quickly serves up five drinks, wondering what the toast was for.

Once again, they all lift their glasses as the first blonde says, "To fifty one days!" Again they throw back their drinks and set down the glasses.

When the first blonde orders up another round, the bartender asks, "What is the toast all about?"

The first blonde answers, "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle that said 2 - 4 Years on the box and we finished it in only fifty one days!"

 

[AG31]

1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

2. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.

3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.

4. It's the start of a brand-new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.

5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

6. When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.

7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.

8. I had my patience tested. I'm negative...

9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.

10. If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"

11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.

12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.

13. I run like the winded.

14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.

15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"

16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

17. I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

18. When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."

19. Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.

20. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.

21. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.”

 

[TheWritingGroup]

1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

It isn't funny, but: to a science and science fiction person like me, when one door closes and another door opens, you're either in a spacecraft or a submarine. (Air locks)

 

[JTass]

Q: What do you call a strip mine that has deposits of several different types of metals?
A: A multiple ore chasm.

 

[RejectReality]

Always cracks me up. I was going to type it out, but thought why when it's linkable. Hugh Laurie and the lion.