More Humour

[Trionyx]

My sister was with two men in one night…she could hardly walk after that. Can you imagine? Two dinners? That’s a lot of food.

Sarah Silverman

 

[Trionyx]

I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then boo.

Phyllis Diller

 

[Trionyx]

I love being married. It’s great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Rita Rudner

 

[Trionyx]

So my wife said she read this article in a magazine and she said: 'You know, maybe you're suffering from premature ejaculation.' Yeah, does it look like I'm suffering? Those aren't tears on your belly.

Robert Schimmel

 

[Trionyx]

If you can see the handwriting on the wall…you're on the toilet.

Redd Foxx

 

[MediocreAuthor]

"Small tits are like a desert. There's nothing there, but it's still hot."

Some guy online said this, and it made me chuckle.

 

[Foxed]

“Yes, a lot of people think that. Especially stupid people.’

Alina Kabaeva, a character in Onia Fox’s hilarious comedy parody Ras Putin - Prince of Russia (available on Amazon)

 

[OralAllOver]

Two deer walk out of a gay bar. One says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew fifty bucks in there.”

 

[Candy_Kane54]

The irate woman stormed into the clubhouse and confronted the club's golf pro. "You need to do something about the bees. I got stung and it hurts like hell."

The golf pro looked at her thoughtfully and asked, "Where, exactly did you get stung?"

"Between the first and second holes!" she exclaimed.

"Ah," the golf pro said, "You're stance is too wide."

 

[TheLobster]

This. This whole video.

 

[MediocreAuthor]

The creepy, unearthly specter: "Ask not for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee."

My dumbass: "It tolls for the...? The what?"

 

[JTass]

Robert Jones is standing in line at the grocery store when he notices a gorgeous blonde staring at him with a puzzled expression on her face. She abruptly snaps her fingers and smiles as she apparently recognizes him, then walks over with a big grin on her face.

"Excuse me, you're Bob, right? I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Bob's mind flashes back to the last time he had sex with someone other than his wife. "Oh my God! Are you that stripper from Roger's bachelor party that screwed me on the pool table while your friends cheered us on and flogged us with celery sticks from the bar?"

The blonde's smile is replaced by a look of disconcerted embarrassment. "I, um, no. I'm your son's English teacher."

 

[Smuttyandfun]

A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde were in their obstetrician's waiting room discussing their pregnancies.

The brunette said she was certain she was going to have a boy, because she was on top when she got pregnant!

The red head said she was certain she was going to have a girl because she was in the missionary position when she got pregnant!

All of a sudden the blonde burst into tears. Between sobs the brunette & red head finally got her to tell them why she became so upset. She told them she believes she's going to have puppies!!!!!

 

[Smuttyandfun]

As I quickly slid my pointer finger slowly inside her damp hole, I could immediately feel her getting wetter and wetter. I then took my finger out and I could immediately see that she was going down on me.

I then said to myself "I think that I really need to save up and buy a new boat."