More feedback...

[mcendrars]

I have posted the first part of my first story under the Loving Wives category. It is a true story. I have already received some nice feedback, but would like more, including any suggestions as to how to improve the story. You can find it at: http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=231680

 

[Varian P]

Hi, Mcendrars,

My main suggestion for how you might improve the story would be to actually depict the hot sex that ensues after the couple is aroused by the unusual arousing encounters they have with Don. I felt that, in both scenes, there was a nice build-up, and no payoff--just a flat statement that sex took place. I suspect there's lots of potential there for you to explore--how was the sex hotter, more intense because of what preceded it?

If it's not actually a set-up between the two men, Don's sudden appearance just as Mary has reluctantly donned an unusually sexy outfit comes across as pretty contrived. I realize this is a true story, but telling me that isn't enough to make me suspend my disbelief. Even a little aside, like expressing the narrator's surprise at Don showing up at that particular moment, will alleviate some skepticism.

The initial dialogue between the narrator and Mary was natural and believable. Don's dialogue comes off as a bit cheesy by comparison, particularly when he first arrives. For example,

"Now I know I've gotta stay," he said. "You don't get to see such a hot babe very often."

Maybe Don really talks exactly like that, but I had a hard time imagining lines like that doing much to persuade the reluctant Mary to strip and strut.

I think, too, you undermine the believability of Mary's willingness to disrobe because you gloss over Don's persuasive banter. The reader doesn't get a chance to see him overcome the intense shyness that had her unwilling to take off her panties when it was just her and her husband.

I'm no grammar expert, and I'm a dedicated rule-breaker in my own writing, but I'll point out a couple things, in case they're unintentional.

The following two sentences are both incomplete, lacking the main subject/verb implied in the preceding paragraph, e.g. "It was" or "She wore."

"A thin, pink top that showed off her nipples, which get quite large when she's excited, once I'd persuaded her to wear it without a bra. And a tiny white miniskirt that just barely covered her bottom."

Also, that first sentence, "A thin…without a bra," is a bit convoluted because of the placement of the descriptive clause about her nipples. It would read more easily if it went something like:

"The thin, pink top I'd persuaded her to wear without a bra showed off her nipples, which get quite large when she's excited."

I hope that's helpful.

-Varian

 

[mcendrars]

Thanks Varian,

The last part was very helpful - I couldn't figure out how to reword that sentence. Your solution is perfect.

As to Don: that is indeed the way he talks. I have been astonished at how well it works for him. He says stuff that if any other man said it, he'd get the quick brushoff, but most women, including my wife, fall for it almost every time.

He's difficult to portray in words because what makes it work for him is charisma, a kind of naive enthusiasm and, most of all, persistence.

As to the sex scenes, I deliberately downplayed them because there is plenty of graphic stuff to come, and the story is not about me, but about Mary and other men, quite a few of them.

See chapter 2, which I've posted, but have no idea when it will get up. The 1st one took nearly a week.

Thanks again

 

[kbate]

The description of her outfit could have been executed better. Perhaps by putting it all in the first paragraph. The bit about going without panties should be stated in the dialogue, it does not quite fit in the position it was placed.


My wife Mary is a good bit younger than I. She's very hot in bed, but for several years I've been trying to get her to dress sexier when we go out. After many refusals, she finally bought a sexy little outfit; a tiny white miniskirt and a thin, pink top to show off her nipples, which become extremely large when she is excited.


This line ----

I began to get hard. I moved my hands higher, slowly, higher yet, until my fingers were brushing her pubic hair. Don mirrored my move

needs revision... It does not convey the action clearly and is rather passive and bland for the situation.,


Otherwise, I quite like this story and believe it will do well. I wouldn't bother with writing out all the sex after the pictures, that can be pictured.

I would probably add or change something, either when Don arrived, or left, giving his reason for coming up....
(out neighbour Don rang to invite us to a party that night) or (On his way out, Don said "Oh yeah, I'm having a party tonight, you're invited.")

 

[PacifistKitty]

hey

i love your story it turns me on.