Mixed feelings about BDSM

[WolfMeister]

I need some advice as my first post to the forums.

My wife and I met while online and I introduced her to dominance and submission and finally we came together with me being her Master.

She felt D/s truly identified with the core of her being and that she felt she was submissive.

It was left to me as being her Dom as to who our partners would be from a sexual context and being my sub she willfully supported any decision I would make. She has had multiple person experiences in the past and she's loved it (2 guys or 2 guys and 2 girls). But since we have been together I was simply her Master and she my 'slave' and eventually we got married under but retaining our D/s lifestyle.

After becoming married I felt my dominance was interfering with her individuality and I haven't felt right looking at her as a piece of property (Gorean). So I decided we would go vanilla so she could regain some of her independance as a person and rebuild her selfesteem.

She still likes BDSM in terms of sex but we are more equals in everything else.

Never having an experience with more than one person at a time I am not sure how to address a recent experience. A person I have been fantasying about has come on to me to my surprise and I want to have an experience with her but I don't want to betray my marriage.

So I am not sure what to do. I am afraid I am rationalizing that there is nothing wrong with exploring this passion but from a BDSM perspective I would simply bring her into my existing relationship but we aren't entirely BDSM anymore.

So I am faced with 3 options:

1. Don't encourage anything with the 3rd party.
2. Discuss it with my wife risking that she is hurt that I even thought about it in the first place.
3. Rationalize that's it's ok for a one time experience that I would keep to myself.

I know my must seem like a dog for asking it but I would rather do option 2. It seems the most truthful thing to do. It lets her know I have desires but that I am willing to share them with her and that together we can decide how to proceed. But like I said it's risky in the fact that it could damage us as she would see I have desires to be with someone that isn't her.

Thoughts would be appreciated..

 

[CutieMouse]

*****

 

[Sharon_]

I need some advice as my first post to the forums.

My wife and I met while online and I introduced her to dominance and submission and finally we came together with me being her Master.

She felt D/s truly identified with the core of her being and that she felt she was submissive.

It was left to me as being her Dom as to who our partners would be from a sexual context and being my sub she willfully supported any decision I would make. She has had multiple person experiences in the past and she's loved it (2 guys or 2 guys and 2 girls). But since we have been together I was simply her Master and she my 'slave' and eventually we got married under but retaining our D/s lifestyle.

After becoming married I felt my dominance was interfering with her individuality and I haven't felt right looking at her as a piece of property (Gorean). So I decided we would go vanilla so she could regain some of her independance as a person and rebuild her selfesteem.

She still likes BDSM in terms of sex but we are more equals in everything else.

Never having an experience with more than one person at a time I am not sure how to address a recent experience. A person I have been fantasying about has come on to me to my surprise and I want to have an experience with her but I don't want to betray my marriage.

So I am not sure what to do. I am afraid I am rationalizing that there is nothing wrong with exploring this passion but from a BDSM perspective I would simply bring her into my existing relationship but we aren't entirely BDSM anymore.

So I am faced with 3 options:

1. Don't encourage anything with the 3rd party.
2. Discuss it with my wife risking that she is hurt that I even thought about it in the first place.
3. Rationalize that's it's ok for a one time experience that I would keep to myself.

I know my must seem like a dog for asking it but I would rather do option 2. It seems the most truthful thing to do. It lets her know I have desires but that I am willing to share them with her and that together we can decide how to proceed. But like I said it's risky in the fact that it could damage us as she would see I have desires to be with someone that isn't her.

Thoughts would be appreciated..

Unless I'm having an off day reading between the lines, your conscience has already told you what the right thing was.

Some people can shut theirs off, I don't have that option and she's an unrelenting bitch -- so I always obey mine.

 

[WolfMeister]

You can have polyamory without being officially BDSM; however, having an open marriage (polyamory) means that ALL parties are making an informed choice. Talk to your wife.

(A good book on the subject is The Ethical Slut; the CollarMe.com forums have a poly sub-forum, and you might also try googling polamory to see if you can find any message boards devoted to the subject.)

Thank you CutieMouse, I will look into it and yes Sharon your right about the conscious thing.

 

[the captians wench]

I went thru the "how could you ever want to be with any one else but me" thing while I was married. Then I realized, hey men are men, and you can't make a duck a swan no matter how hard you try.

Yes talking to her may hurt her feelings, but let me tell you from experience, it'll hurt a lot less to talk to her now than if you do go out and do this thing and then she finds out. Let's face it, unless you kill the chick and every one who sees you that night, odds are your wife will find out.

Some times poly works. Some times it doesn't. Some times it seems like it's working when it's not. The key is, just as the key to any sucessful relationship, to keep talking. Once comunication breaks down, you're pretty much sailing a sinking ship.

 

[Chicklet]

So I am not sure what to do. I am afraid I am rationalizing that there is nothing wrong with exploring this passion but from a BDSM perspective I would simply bring her into my existing relationship but we aren't entirely BDSM anymore.

So I am faced with 3 options:

1. Don't encourage anything with the 3rd party.
2. Discuss it with my wife risking that she is hurt that I even thought about it in the first place.
3. Rationalize that's it's ok for a one time experience that I would keep to myself.

You're correct that trying to justify this possible 'cheating' as BDSM would be wrong. You can't live a mostly vanilla lifestyle and then pull out "I'M THE MASTER!" when you want something.

As your life partner, and in this case someone who you clearly define as your equal in and out of the BDSM play in your current life, your wife has a right to know and protest or accept your desire to be with this other woman.

It means a lot to me on a personal level that you so obviously know what the right thing to do is here.

It's only cheating if your wife doesn't know, and no amount of rationalizing will change that.

If you were my husband, I wouldn't mind the discussion about the possibility. Since you're not, I can't tell you what my decision in the matter would be, but if you want to preserve your relationship and keep it honest, you should definitely have the discussion.

 

[Netzach]

If she's enjoyed multi-party stuff in the past, why would she suddenly not now?

If I change my decision about power dynamics with someone it doesn't mean I don't like three ways any more.

Maybe she'll even be thrilled about the whole thing, you don't know unless you ask.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I'm a little confused as to why you say you are having mixed feelings about BDSM. I gather it is more you are wanting to bed someone else, namely the ultra ethical being who came onto you presumably knowing you were married...and given it was you who ended the D/s part of your relationship, you now think it a good excuse to resurrect so you can justify your actions...nothing to do with wanting BDSM in your life again or feeling it would be good for your partner.

It may sound a little harsh, and it is not a secret I feel that poly works in very very few relationships, but to me this is not about wanting to be poly or BDSM, but your wanting to have sex with somone else and suspecting your wife is not going to be too happy, so looking for some moral support from people you think are more likely to support you.

My thinking is if you are set on trying poly (though given your mention of your partner's previous sexual experiences with others I wonder if it might not be a bit of wanting to show her you can to, or at least try and catch up on what she did in a previous timeslot), you would be better off steering clear of this particular person. Why? Firstly because by your own admission you had been fantasising about them which could make you vulnerable to them and their influence on your relationship; secondly because this person you are contemplating was not approached by you with your wife's consent and knowledge, but chose to come on to you, a married man. WHile many just look at the 'poly is OK' thing, I tend to look at the point of why a person would do that and through knowing many women in RL who made it their main form of sexual encounter, and felt empowered in taking a man away from his wife only to ditch him once they had, I would think it is a high risk proposition. It is your decision but for me it has huge red flags all over it with no green lights winking in between their flapping.

Catalina

 

[FungiUg]

Sounds to me like you are mixing BDSM and polyamoury/swinging/open relationships. You don't have to have one to have the other.

It also sounds to me that you are defining BDSM along with Gorean. Depending on who you talk to, you will get different answers as to whether that is the case. Just know that BDSM doesn't in itself assume that women become "property". Some relationships go there, some don't. You can have BDSM without that.

My advice? Talk to your wife. Be completely honest. Even point her at your post if you like. Your wife is your best friend, your most loyal lover and the very first person to turn to. So... do that.

 

[WolfMeister]

I talked to her

Well wether I am Dominant , BDSM , GOREAN or however we want to classify our relationship I did talk to her about it.

Someone mentioned about that it sounds liked I basically wanted to cheat on my wife. I can't help the free thoughts that come to mind, but I can be responsible. And in this case I feel I was pretty responsible in telling her.

It's so funny really. People will pretend that they only want to fuck one person all their life but in this case I was honest with my wife and she was receptive.

I believe if we didn't come from a BDSM background it might have been different but in the end she appreciated me sharing my thoughts with her, no matter how raw they was and gained trust in me by sharing it with her.

We decided to pursure it and see where it leads, knowing that we have full trust and knowing between each other and knowing that whatever happens we both will be involved with it.

After discussing it with her, I perched her along the balcony of our front porch and fucked her to the point where she came all over the base boards in the excitement it gave her that

1. I confided in her with my deepest thoughts.
2. That between us both we would decide how to proceed.

Thank you for your feedback and whether I decide to pursue this or not, I am happy I have someone by my side that isn't 100% my slave and not 100% vanilla.. Thank goodness.

 

[WolfMeister]

Sounds to me like you are mixing BDSM and polyamoury/swinging/open relationships. You don't have to have one to have the other.

It also sounds to me that you are defining BDSM along with Gorean. Depending on who you talk to, you will get different answers as to whether that is the case. Just know that BDSM doesn't in itself assume that women become "property". Some relationships go there, some don't. You can have BDSM without that.

My advice? Talk to your wife. Be completely honest. Even point her at your post if you like. Your wife is your best friend, your most loyal lover and the very first person to turn to. So... do that.

I agee, I have some confusion about this.. I have heard so many slaves say that once they was married they ended up being put in a position where they was equal to their master and they hated it and ended up finding some other master to satisfy their needs. I don't know what label to give myself any more. I do know that I love my wife and from that I will govern my actions.

Does that make me the ultimate slave ? I don't know... But I appreciate the quick feedback from everyone here.. I think you will find me here more often along with my wife.

 

[FungiUg]

I agee, I have some confusion about this. [...]Does that make me the ultimate slave ? I don't know...

Really, it's all about you and your wife, and what works for the two of you. BDSM is a convenient way of finding like minded people to talk to and make friends with, get ideas from, etc. It's not a definition of how you must live your life. What you get out of it... is what works for you and your wife. There's no set formula. As you talk to people here, you'll find so many different possibilities and combinations -- it's endless! So focus on what works for the two of you, and don't worry so much about whether or not you fall into some particular label/category.

I'm glad you talked to her. When you work on stuff together, rather than separately, it makes it way less likely that something will go wrong. It also means that should something go wrong, you can deal with it together. And of course, it reassures the both of you that you still love each other and want to do fun things for each other.

Just out of interest, many Dominants are motivated by the urge/need/craving to please someone. They just like to be in control when they do it. I would put myself in that category. Pleasing someone doesn't make you a slave.

 

[twysted73]

I'm a little confused as to why you say you are having mixed feelings about BDSM. I gather it is more you are wanting to bed someone else, namely the ultra ethical being who came onto you presumably knowing you were married...and given it was you who ended the D/s part of your relationship, you now think it a good excuse to resurrect so you can justify your actions...nothing to do with wanting BDSM in your life again or feeling it would be good for your partner.

It may sound a little harsh, and it is not a secret I feel that poly works in very very few relationships, but to me this is not about wanting to be poly or BDSM, but your wanting to have sex with somone else and suspecting your wife is not going to be too happy, so looking for some moral support from people you think are more likely to support you.

My thinking is if you are set on trying poly (though given your mention of your partner's previous sexual experiences with others I wonder if it might not be a bit of wanting to show her you can to, or at least try and catch up on what she did in a previous timeslot), you would be better off steering clear of this particular person. Why? Firstly because by your own admission you had been fantasising about them which could make you vulnerable to them and their influence on your relationship; secondly because this person you are contemplating was not approached by you with your wife's consent and knowledge, but chose to come on to you, a married man. WHile many just look at the 'poly is OK' thing, I tend to look at the point of why a person would do that and through knowing many women in RL who made it their main form of sexual encounter, and felt empowered in taking a man away from his wife only to ditch him once they had, I would think it is a high risk proposition. It is your decision but for me it has huge red flags all over it with no green lights winking in between their flapping.

Catalina

Ever the voice of reason and the hypothetical bucket of ice water on the testes, Catalina everyone! If more people were as up front about thier opinions and throughts as you were, "PC" would be an office joke and the world....would be a better place. You are inspiring. Morally, ethically and responsibly. No smoke up the tail pipe here. I am genuinely touched and appreciative when I see glimmers of hope here and there within the general populous. Don't you go changin'.

 

[WolfMeister]

Really, it's all about you and your wife, and what works for the two of you. BDSM is a convenient way of finding like minded people to talk to and make friends with, get ideas from, etc. It's not a definition of how you must live your life. What you get out of it... is what works for you and your wife. There's no set formula. As you talk to people here, you'll find so many different possibilities and combinations -- it's endless! So focus on what works for the two of you, and don't worry so much about whether or not you fall into some particular label/category.

I'm glad you talked to her. When you work on stuff together, rather than separately, it makes it way less likely that something will go wrong. It also means that should something go wrong, you can deal with it together. And of course, it reassures the both of you that you still love each other and want to do fun things for each other.

Just out of interest, many Dominants are motivated by the urge/need/craving to please someone. They just like to be in control when they do it. I would put myself in that category. Pleasing someone doesn't make you a slave.

Thanks, I certainly appreciate your words of wisdom.

 

[questnboy]

mood

you need to be in the right mood for this type of sex I recommend getting some outfits for open some leather spanking in and if he still owes instead of the end as the singer, dinner math and then asking your wallets in her mouth are you satisfied honey

 

[Chicklet]

Well wether I am Dominant , BDSM , GOREAN or however we want to classify our relationship I did talk to her about it.

You are awesome.

I'm so glad to hear that you went through with talking to your wife, and that she was open about it. Sincerely and genuinely (even if I can't spell that?) happy for you.

 

[WolfMeister]

Now that a day has passed

A day has passed since I brought up this topic..

Catalina, I appreciate the cold shower so to speak you definitely gave me pause for thought enough that I had to read your post several times hehehe.

I hope you all don't have the impression I was coming here for moral support to cheat on my wife. Perhaps it was an inappropriate post on my part to solicite opinions. Rereading my own post I realize it did come across as asking the community what I should do but I was more curious what your perspectives on it would be. I certainly wouldn't have added up which of you was in favor of this option over the other and acted on the one that won hehehhe. I would feel very sorry for any women that had a guy like that.

I thank everyone for you feedback. There's a 99.9999 percent chance that even after discussing it with my wife that this will ever happen. But it was good for our relationship to discuss it.

 

[FurryFury]

This as I see it, doesn't really have to do with BDSM. This has to do with wanting to fuck another girl and keep your wife. You know what you think is right. Chose to do it or chose not to. Good luck.

 

[Sharon_]

I thank everyone for you feedback. There's a 99.9999 percent chance that even after discussing it with my wife that this will ever happen. But it was good for our relationship to discuss it.

Do you think she will eventually work out that this woman displayed open disdain for her from the get-go and despite that, her soul-mate was only too eager to jump her bones?

Talk about a perpetually festering sore....but that's me, YMMV.

--
"Persecution was at least a sign of personal interest. Tolerance is
composed of nine parts apathy to one of brotherly love."
--Frank Moore--

 

[Netzach]

Oops, wrong door, I seem to have walked into the Catholic Church.

 

[midwestyankee]

Oops, wrong door, I seem to have walked into the Catholic Church.

That's odd. I didn't recognize any posts as being obvioiusly written by underage boys. My reading comprehension must be slipping.

 

[Netzach]

That's odd. I didn't recognize any posts as being obvioiusly written by underage boys. My reading comprehension must be slipping.

I'm bad, you are badder.

 

[midwestyankee]

I'm bad, you are badder.

Quoting for the sake of posterity. It cannot possibly hurt one's rep here in bdsm lit-land to be considered "badder than Netzach."

 

[Solesta]

Hi the wife here now

I want to thank you all for talking to my Love .. The talk we had last night was so wonderful .. he showed me his heart .. he showed me his love and in doing that has given me a new understanding his love for me ...

From what I can see that happened .. I have a man that has never experienced things like I have in my past ... and when something like this happened he was freaked .. got scared that he did want to but scareder that he would loose me if it happened.. HE was scared that even the thought of flirting with any person would get me mad and he would loose my trust in him .. In my eyes the only person that doesn't look has no eyes or daed.. it is what you do afterwards that will prove what is important to you and who you love..

So as far a I'm concerned he loves me deeply and my heart is safe with him

 

[FurryFury]

Awesome!



Love the screen name too, btw.