Mistress's joke thread of the day

[Mistress]

Her First Account

Her mother decided that 10-year-old Susie should get something practical for her birthday. "Suppose we open a savings account for you?" she suggested.

Susie was delighted.

"It's your account, darling," Susie's mother said as they entered the bank, "so you fill out the application."

Susie was doing fine until she came to the space for "Name of your former bank."

With just a slight hesitation, she put down "Piggy."
-------------------------
Almost


Two senior citizens were bragging about their sex lives in the elderly home. The first said, "Can you still do it? I have sex with my wife twice a week. How many can you do?"

"Oh, I do it almost every night of the week!"

"Almost every night!!?"

"Yup! Monday, almost. Tuesday, almost. Wednesday..."

-----------------

Just Two In The Nest

Soon after our last child left home for college, my husband was resting next to me on the couch with his head in my lap.

I carefully removed his glasses. "You know, honey," I said sweetly, "Without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married."

"Honey," he replied with a grin, "Without my glasses, you still look pretty good, too."

---------------


Quote of the Day

I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you.

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There's Martha's Way and There's My Way

Martha's way #1: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

My way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake, you are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.
*****
Martha's way #2: Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and you'll get perfectly-shaped pancakes every time.

My way: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave for 30 seconds. The hard part is getting them out of the plastic bag.
*****
Martha's way #3: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

My way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.
*****
Martha's way #4: To prevent egg shells from cracking,
add a pinch of salt to the water before hard boiling.

My way: Who cares if they crack, aren't you going to take
the shells off anyway?
*****
Martha's way #5: To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring them to room temperature and roll them under your palm against the kitchen counter before squeezing.

My way: Sleep with the lemons in between the mattress and box springs.
*****
Martha's way #6: To easily remove burnt-on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stovetop.

My way: Eat at Chili's every night and avoid cooking.
*****
Martha's way #7: Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato based sauces and there won't be any stains.

My way: Feed your garbage disposal and there won't be any leftovers.
*****
Martha's way #8: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

My way: Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.
*****
Martha's way #9: If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me up"

My way: If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too damn bad.

My motto: I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes.
*****
Martha's way #10: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.

My way: Celery? Never heard of the stuff.
*****
Martha's way #11: Brush some beaten egg white over piecrust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

My way: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust and so I don't do it.
*****
Martha's way #12: Place a slice of apple in hardened brown sugar to soften it.

My way: Brown sugar is supposed to be "soft"?
*****
Martha's way #13: When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the corn's natural sweetness.

My way: The only kind of corn I buy comes in a can.
*****
Martha's way #14: To determine whether an egg is fresh, immerse it in a pan of cool, salted water. If it sinks, it is fresh, but if it rises to the surface, throw it away.

My way: Eat, cook, or use the egg anyway. If you feel bad later, you will know it wasn't fresh.
*****
Martha's way #15: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

My way: Martha, dear, the only reason this works is because you can't rub a lime on your forehead without getting lime juice in your eye, and then the problem isn't the headache anymore, it's that you are now blind.
*****
Martha's way #16: Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

My way: Leftover wine?
*****
Martha's way #17: If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

My way: Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.
*****
Martha's way #18: Potatoes will take food stains off your fingers. Just slice and rub raw potato on the stains and rinse with water.

My way: Mashed potatoes will now be replacing the anti-bacterial soap in the handy dispenser next to my sink.
*****
Martha's way #19: Now look at what you can do with Alka-Seltzer:
* Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets, wait twenty minutes, brush and flush. The citric acid and effervescent action clean vitreous china.
* Clean a vase. To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or cruet, fill with water and drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets.
* Polish jewelry. Drop two Alka-Seltzer tablets into a glass of water and immerse the jewelry for two minutes.
* Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with water, drop in four Alka-Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (or longer, if necessary).

My way: Put your jewelry, vases, and thermos in the toilet.
Add some Alka-Seltzer and you have solved a whole bunch of problems at once.

--------------------

Reasons To Hire A Consultant

You don’t know how to do your job.
You’d rather pay someone 10 times more then what you make to do your job.

It makes you look like you know what you’re doing.

If it fails you can blame the consultant.

The high priced secretary that comes along with the consultant has a boob job and showed you where and how they put the silicon in.

You want the free lunch.

You don’t know how to do your job.

You’re too big of a pussy to fire someone so you hire a consultant to do it.

You like to attend meetings.

You get ‘secret’ kickbacks from the consulting company.

You like your new boat.

You don’t know how to do your job.

You’re staffing hates your guts and you need someone to inflate your ego.

-----------------------

 

[Mistress]

Frequently Asked Questions About MEN
(written by real men for women)

Why are men such jerks?


It's a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life span of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and it's not just from all the bitching and nagging we have to endure)? Hormones modify behavior. We're just misunderstood.

Why do men always touch themselves, especially in public?

We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. It's much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus.

Why do men always say such stupid things?

We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.

Why are men so uncommunicative?

You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you get into trouble with your partner.

Why do men have to act like such retards?

Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It's the old fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so much of the world nowadays.

Why can't men just share their feelings?

Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel.

Why can't men cuddle more (i.e., lie down and hug)?

Please ... How many hours do you think there is in a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but who the heck (besides women) can stand lying around for hours on end? We men ... Men hunters ... Need go roam ... Starve in cave ... Must go find wildebeest ... Now, sitting on our asses for hours on end on the other hand is a whole other story.

How can men sit on their asses all day without moving?

Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of times without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their progeny. The fidgety types were all gobbled up by saber toothed tigers etc. The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability.

Why can't men just say "I love you?"

Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault. It's not easy to admit to one's own character faults.

Why do men say "I love you" when they hardly know me?

Ho, Ho, Ho ... Aren't you special? Well, some men think it's a sure fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well.

What does it mean when men say "I love you?"

1) Please sleep with me.
2) I'm sorry for whatever it is that I did.
3) I forgot to get you a gift, this will have to do.
4) Huh? I'm sorry; I wasn't listening.
5) What did I forget? This should buy me a little time.
6) Stop nagging me.
7) What do I have to do to get a beer around here?

Why doesn't my partner ever answer me?

We just simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things.

Why won't men ever pick up after themselves?

Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much. Besides, we know darn well you'll pick it up.

Why do men hate shopping?

It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to look at things we have no intention of killing? err ... Buying?

Why do men find blonde bimbos attractive?

Are you kidding? Even leaving the physical aside, blonde bimbos are generally much easier to get along (alone) with. They like having fun and doing exciting things. They don't walk around with the weight of the world on their shoulders. They don't ever give us a hard time for being a dumb male; and plus they laugh at most of our jokes (even the ones they don't get). What more could any of us males ask for?

Why do men act like they own the remote control?

What do you mean act? We do; possession is nine-tenths of the law. Besides, it is an awesome responsibility not to be entrusted to just anyone. I believe the only fair way to decide who gets the remote control is to arm wrestle for it.

Why can't men stay on a single channel for more than two seconds?

Are you kidding? What if there is something on the next channel? We could miss it if we stay on one channel for too long. (See also: Why do men fear commitment?)

Why do men fear commitment?

Don't be so surprised. Yes; most of us do know what "commitment" means and can spell it correctly. It's like an automobile. No matter how good you think this year's model is, they're always coming out with newer, faster, better. sleeker, and sexier models. We must browse around a bit and test drive a few. Who wants to end up with a
lemon? At least with a car, there's a slight chance of it eventually becoming a classic. It simply makes much more sense to lease and upgrade to the younger ... err ... I mean newer models every couple of years. Some of them come with fun extras like dual air bags.

What does it mean when men say, "I'm just not ready for a relationship right now" or "I don't want a girlfriend?"

It means that we like you enough to sleep with you, but not enough so that we want to see you repeatedly.

What does it mean when men say, "Can we just be friends?"

Generally, it means that the recipient of said comment is physically repulsive enough that no beer goggles may be thick enough to provide adequate protection.

Why are men so obsessed with beautiful women?

As opposed to what? Really ugly women? Face it, if men were obsessed with ugly women, there would be just as much bitching about why men are so obsessed with ugly women. No matter how you set this up, some people are always going to be left out. I don't see anyone screaming about equal treatment for the stupid people either.

Why do men like younger women?

Well, let's see. Besides the fact that they like older men, they're easily impressed. They're also perky, energetic, and come with very little baggage. And gravity has less prevail over their bodies.

Why do men only have one thing on their minds?

While technically correct, this statement is not strictly true. We may only be able to entertain one idea at a time, but we do think of lots of other things besides sex, such as sports and beer. We also get hungry quite often.

How can men possibly find that other woman attractive?

Even if you happen to be Cindy Crawford, once we get the idea that you are ours, other women suddenly become much more attractive and your lose a few attractiveness points (I'm a bit puzzled by this one myself). I think evolution is to blame. We men are just innocent bystanders in the war of the selfish genes. You should love us despite our inherent weakness.

Why are men such dogs?

I resent that. Dogs are faithful ... loyal ... affectionate ... and obedient.

----------------

Todays Big Question


If I check into the Betty Ford clinic, will I be able to keep the autographs I collect?

 

[willywanker]

Some good ones there, Mistress!!

I borrowed yours and passed them on so I'm adding one here for you.


A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a very large jar
behind the counter which is filled to the brim with ten dollar bills. The man guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it and approaches the bartender to ask: "What's up with the jar?"

Bartender: "Well, you pay ten dollars and if you pass three tests,
then you get all the money."

Man: "What are the three tests?"

Bartender: "Pay first. Those are the rules." So the guy gives him the ten bucks and the bartender adds it to the jar.

Bartender: "OK, here's what you have to do. First you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once AND, you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there is a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth... you have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third, there is a 90 year old woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm in her life. You gotta make things right for her."

Man: "Well, I know I've paid my ten bucks but I'm not an idiot, I
won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of tequila and get crazier from there."

Bartender: "Your call. But your money stays in the jar."

Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?"

He grabs the gallon of tequila with both hands and downs it with
big slurp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks, but he doesn't make a face.

Next he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear a huge scuffle going on. They hear barking and screams, yelps and growling, and eventually silence.

Just when they think the man must surely be dead, he staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.

"NOW," he says, "where's that woman with the sore tooth?"

 

[Mistress]

omg! lol!