Mistress's Creature discussion

How to review without being brutal?

It was an overwhelmingly sultry night

That's not dark and stormy, but I'm still seeing Billy Crystal here. Edgar, perhaps you should be happy with the comments you have so far, your readers like it well enough. Although I would agree that: "misspellings take away from the eroticity."
 
*snort* It's too goddamn sultry in here...

Thanks, Sanichi, for my first laugh-out-loud of the day.
 
Hi.


Thought I'd make an effort at being a first-time critic.


"...overwhelmingly sultry night" - this doesn't make much sense to me. :( Perhaps you meant "humid" or "muggy"?

"Somewhere in the near inky blackness within, she sat. A high back antique chair, shiny black and throne like, stood on a stone slab allowing her unnaturally keen eyes a view of the cobweb strewn vaulted chamber. A single, massive crimson waxed candle stood sentry at her left elbow."

Overall, you're a good story-teller. I think, however, that your descriptions are a bit too wordy. Too much of that tends to distract the reader from the actual content of a tale. There is no reason to describe everything single thing to the very last detail.

Please, if you would, allow me to re-word this paragraph: "She sat in a glossy black, high-backed throne. The only light visible issued from a single red candle sitting to her left. The candle was there for mere decoration only; her keen eyesight needed no assistance, despite the pitch black that surrounded her."

This is how I would re-work it. But then again, that just may be your style of writing.

/shrug Tis a suggestion only. Take it for what it's worth and, above all, keep on writing. Practice makes better, remember. ;)
 
My feedback will be mostly reader response, because that part is quite positive!

I enjoy the originality and imagination evident in this story. The vampire queen isn't anything new, but her desire to "improve" her creature is a fun, neat little twist. He's almost perfect, as are so many men. ;-) And while she thinks all he needs is a working dick, I suspect any sequel will have lots of fun with the randy fellow.

This story is good campy fun and I appreciate what you're trying to do with it in terms of setting a mood, painting the setting, and creating over-the-top characters. You have a vampire queen, a virginal young woman, and an emotionless and obedient creature. Plot-wise I found hints of nifty back story.

As for what doesn't work so well . . . the writing itself gets in the way of the fun. Dense, over-descriptive sentences. Meandering paragraphs. What would help most here is a good editor.

You have the vision to be a truly fun writer. Good writing, like all skills, comes from practice. Practice at using fewer words, crafting sharper (not more luscious) images. Study how writers whose work you admire achieve their images and employ dialogue, then put what you learn to work.
 
I think "overwhelmingly sultry" means either that they were in a sauna or that it was raining in the tropics.

But I'll have to say the phrase doesn't bother me all that much.
 
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