Mistress
Lit's Original Mistress
- Joined
- Feb 17, 2001
- Posts
- 13,167
Condom Slogans
Nike Condoms: Just do it.
Peugeot Condoms: The ride of your life.
Sony Condoms: Do not underestimate the power
Microsoft Condoms: Where do you want to go today?
KFC Condoms: Finger Licking Good.
M&Ms Condoms: Melt in your mouth, not in your hands.
Safeway Condoms: Lightening the Load
Abbey National Condoms: Because life’s complicated enough
Coca Cola Condoms: The Real Thing.
Ever Ready Condoms: Keep going and going ....
ESSO Condoms: The eye of the Tiger
Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, it’s that simple.
Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can’t stop.
Burger King Condoms: Home of the Whopper.
Goodyear Condoms: For a longer ride go wide
-------------------
Going Clubbing
A guy goes into a restaurant and lounge, his shirt open at the collar, but is stopped by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to get in.
So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a tie and discovers that he just doesn’t have one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free.
He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer suspiciously looks him over for a few moments and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you can come in - just don’t start anything."
--------------------
Rise, Caesar!
A rather bookish young man goes into a whorehouse to seek entertainment. He goes up to the madam and says, "Madam, I'd like a woman for the evening."
The Madam says, "Sir, I'm afraid all the girls are taken tonight, but if you'd care to, I'm available."
So the guy and the madam go into a bedroom and get undressed. As he takes off his clothes, she looks him over and she notices that, flaccid, he's only two inches long.
But then the guy says, "Rise, Caesar!" And his manhood rises to a full 12 inches. So they have a great time, and after about five hours the madam is very impressed.
"Sir," she says, "this has been one of the most pleasurable evenings of my life. I was wondering if you'd mind if I called the girls in so they could have a look at you. You're really something special, you know."
But the guy says, "No, madam, no. I have come to bury Caesar, not to praise him."
-------------------
More Online Symptoms
1. You think an obituary says a funeral will be followed by the "Internet" in a cemetery.
2. Someone says she put on net stockings, and you wonder if they're made out of World Wide Web.
3. You ask a friend, "What's that big shiny thing?" and he says it's the sun.
4. You think Webster's Dictionary is a directory of WEB sites.
5. You think rec room is a new newsgroup.
6. When asked for your address on a form, you put @compuserve.com.
7. When using your phone you forget that you don't have to use your keyboard.
8. Your mother suggests taking an apple to school and you wonder how you're gonna get the whole thing in your bag.
9. You think Edgar Alan Poe wrote "The Pit and the Pentium."
10. Someone slips a disk, and you offer to format him another one.
11. You think "intelligent" means a refined computer user.
12. Your boss asks you to "go fer" coffee and you come up with 235 FTP sites.
------------------------
On Growing Older
1. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
2. People call at 9 P.M. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
3. You can eat dinner at 4:00 PM.
4. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
5. You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
6. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
7. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks in the room.
8. You sing along with the elevator music.
9. Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
10. Your secrets are safe with your friends, because they can't remember them either.
11. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
-----------------
This one been done before but still cute:
Things You Can Learn From Your Children
* There is no such thing as child-proofing your house.
* If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
* A 4 year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
* If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 lb. boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
* Baseballs make marks on ceilings.
* You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
* When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.
* A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
* The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
* When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too late.
* Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
* A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies.
* A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
* If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak-it explodes.
* A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2,000 square-foot-house 4 inches deep.
* Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four-year-old.
* Duplos will not.
* Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
* Super glue is forever.
* McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.
* Ditto Tarzan.
* No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
* Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
* VCRs do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
* Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
* Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
* You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
* Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
* Plastic toys do not like ovens.
* The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute response time.
* The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make Earth worms dizzy.
* It will however make cats dizzy.
* Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
--------------------
Euphemisms For Being Stupid
A beer short of a six pack.
A brick short of a load.
A couple of eggs shy of a dozen.
A couple of gallons short of a full tank.
A few ants short of a picnic.
A few beers short of a six-pack.
A few bricks short of a pile.
A few bricks short of a wall.
A few cards short of a deck.
A few clowns short of a circus.
A few feathers short of a whole duck.
A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
A few of sheep short of an orgy.
A few peas short of a casserole.
A few tomatoes short of a good thick sauce.
A few trucks short of a convoy.
A fortune cookie short of a Chinese dinner.
A pepperoni short of a pizza.
A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
A sandwich short of a picnic.
About as bright as a burnt out 20 watt light bulb.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
An intellect rivalled only by garden tools.
As much use as a hedgehog in a condom factory.
As much use as a one-legged man at an ass-kicking contest.
As much use as an ashtray on a motorcycle.
As quick as a tortoise on Prozac.
As smart as bait.
As useful as a screen door on a submarine.
As useful as a wooden frying pan.
As useful as tits on a bull.
Body by God, Mind by Mattel.
Bright as Alaska in December.
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
Doesn’t have both oars in the water.
Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
Doesn't have all the dots on his dice.
Donated his body to science before he was done using it.
Dumb as a corn cob.
Dumb as a stump.
Dumber than a bag of hammers.
Dumber than a bag of rocks.
Elevator don't quiet make the top floor.
Fell out of the family tree.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
Goes surfing in Nebraska.
Golf bag doesn’t have a full set of irons.
Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn’t watching.
Gross ignoramus--144 times worse than a normal ignoramus.
Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.
Has delusions of adequacy.
Has two brains, one's lost and the other is out looking for it.
He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
He had a little too much chlorine in his gene pool.
He is so dumb, he would look for a wishbone in a soft-boiled egg.
He is so dumb, the only thing he ever read was an eye-chart.
He played too much without a helmet.
He’s got a mind like a steel trap, rusted shut.
He's got a leak in his think-tank.
He's got a mind like a steel sieve.
He's got his feet firmly planted 3 feet above the ground.
He's not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
He's so dense light bends around him.
His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
His cheese has slipped off his cracker.
His porch light ain't on.
If brains were chocolate, he wouldn't have enough to fill an M&M.
If brains were dynamite, he wouldn't have enough to blow his nose.
If brains were dynamite, he wouldn’t have enough to blow his hat off.
If brains were gasoline, he couldn't ride a moped around a fruit loop.
If brains were taxed, he’d get a rebate.
If he had a brain, he'd be dangerous.
If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.
If stupid were a talent, he would be considered gifted.
If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change back.
If you stand close enough to 'em you can hear the ocean.
Isn’t firing on all 6 cylinders.
Isn’t firing on all thrusters.
It's hard to believe that he beat out half a billion other sperm.
Kangaroo loose in the top paddock.
Like a pair of children’s scissors, bright and colourful, but not too sharp.
Million dollar body and a 2 dollar engine.
Mind is in neutral, body is in gear.
Mind like a rubber bear trap.
Needing a few screws tightened.
Not firing with all spark plugs.
Not the brightest light in the harbour.
Not the brightest light on the Christmas tree.
Not the sharpest hook in the tackle box.
Not the sharpest pencil in the box.
Off his rocker.
On/off switch is broken in the off position.
One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
One neuron short of a synapse.
One taco short of a combination plate.
One tit short of an udder.
One turbine short of an airplane.
One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests.
Prime candidate for natural deselection.
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
Requires directions to lay sod.
Room temperature IQ.
Running about a quart low.
Running on empty.
Sets the lowest possible goals, and consistently fails to achieve them.
Sharp as a bowling ball.
She is so dumb, she couldn't tell which way an elevator was going if she had two guesses.
She's not tied too tight to the pier.
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge but he just gargled.
Strong like bear, smart like tractor.
Takes him 1-1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
The elevator is stuck between floors.
The lights are flashing, the gate is down, but the train isn’t coming.
The lights are on, but nobody is home.
The wheel is turning but the hamster is dead.
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
Too dumb to pull his head in before he shuts the window.
Too many yards between the goal posts.
Two hub caps short of a Buick.
Warning--Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
Was left on the tilt-a-whirl too long as a baby.
Would be out of her depth in a mud puddle.
You're the flower of my life (you blooming idiot).
You can't call him an idiot, you'll insult all the idiots in the world.
Nike Condoms: Just do it.
Peugeot Condoms: The ride of your life.
Sony Condoms: Do not underestimate the power
Microsoft Condoms: Where do you want to go today?
KFC Condoms: Finger Licking Good.
M&Ms Condoms: Melt in your mouth, not in your hands.
Safeway Condoms: Lightening the Load
Abbey National Condoms: Because life’s complicated enough
Coca Cola Condoms: The Real Thing.
Ever Ready Condoms: Keep going and going ....
ESSO Condoms: The eye of the Tiger
Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, it’s that simple.
Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can’t stop.
Burger King Condoms: Home of the Whopper.
Goodyear Condoms: For a longer ride go wide
-------------------
Going Clubbing
A guy goes into a restaurant and lounge, his shirt open at the collar, but is stopped by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to get in.
So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a tie and discovers that he just doesn’t have one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free.
He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer suspiciously looks him over for a few moments and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you can come in - just don’t start anything."
--------------------
Rise, Caesar!
A rather bookish young man goes into a whorehouse to seek entertainment. He goes up to the madam and says, "Madam, I'd like a woman for the evening."
The Madam says, "Sir, I'm afraid all the girls are taken tonight, but if you'd care to, I'm available."
So the guy and the madam go into a bedroom and get undressed. As he takes off his clothes, she looks him over and she notices that, flaccid, he's only two inches long.
But then the guy says, "Rise, Caesar!" And his manhood rises to a full 12 inches. So they have a great time, and after about five hours the madam is very impressed.
"Sir," she says, "this has been one of the most pleasurable evenings of my life. I was wondering if you'd mind if I called the girls in so they could have a look at you. You're really something special, you know."
But the guy says, "No, madam, no. I have come to bury Caesar, not to praise him."
-------------------
More Online Symptoms
1. You think an obituary says a funeral will be followed by the "Internet" in a cemetery.
2. Someone says she put on net stockings, and you wonder if they're made out of World Wide Web.
3. You ask a friend, "What's that big shiny thing?" and he says it's the sun.
4. You think Webster's Dictionary is a directory of WEB sites.
5. You think rec room is a new newsgroup.
6. When asked for your address on a form, you put @compuserve.com.
7. When using your phone you forget that you don't have to use your keyboard.
8. Your mother suggests taking an apple to school and you wonder how you're gonna get the whole thing in your bag.
9. You think Edgar Alan Poe wrote "The Pit and the Pentium."
10. Someone slips a disk, and you offer to format him another one.
11. You think "intelligent" means a refined computer user.
12. Your boss asks you to "go fer" coffee and you come up with 235 FTP sites.
------------------------
On Growing Older
1. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
2. People call at 9 P.M. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
3. You can eat dinner at 4:00 PM.
4. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
5. You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
6. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
7. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks in the room.
8. You sing along with the elevator music.
9. Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
10. Your secrets are safe with your friends, because they can't remember them either.
11. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
-----------------
This one been done before but still cute:
Things You Can Learn From Your Children
* There is no such thing as child-proofing your house.
* If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
* A 4 year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
* If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 lb. boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
* Baseballs make marks on ceilings.
* You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
* When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.
* A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
* The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
* When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too late.
* Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
* A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies.
* A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
* If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak-it explodes.
* A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2,000 square-foot-house 4 inches deep.
* Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four-year-old.
* Duplos will not.
* Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
* Super glue is forever.
* McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.
* Ditto Tarzan.
* No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
* Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
* VCRs do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
* Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
* Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
* You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
* Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
* Plastic toys do not like ovens.
* The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute response time.
* The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make Earth worms dizzy.
* It will however make cats dizzy.
* Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
--------------------
Euphemisms For Being Stupid
A beer short of a six pack.
A brick short of a load.
A couple of eggs shy of a dozen.
A couple of gallons short of a full tank.
A few ants short of a picnic.
A few beers short of a six-pack.
A few bricks short of a pile.
A few bricks short of a wall.
A few cards short of a deck.
A few clowns short of a circus.
A few feathers short of a whole duck.
A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
A few of sheep short of an orgy.
A few peas short of a casserole.
A few tomatoes short of a good thick sauce.
A few trucks short of a convoy.
A fortune cookie short of a Chinese dinner.
A pepperoni short of a pizza.
A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
A sandwich short of a picnic.
About as bright as a burnt out 20 watt light bulb.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
An intellect rivalled only by garden tools.
As much use as a hedgehog in a condom factory.
As much use as a one-legged man at an ass-kicking contest.
As much use as an ashtray on a motorcycle.
As quick as a tortoise on Prozac.
As smart as bait.
As useful as a screen door on a submarine.
As useful as a wooden frying pan.
As useful as tits on a bull.
Body by God, Mind by Mattel.
Bright as Alaska in December.
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
Doesn’t have both oars in the water.
Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
Doesn't have all the dots on his dice.
Donated his body to science before he was done using it.
Dumb as a corn cob.
Dumb as a stump.
Dumber than a bag of hammers.
Dumber than a bag of rocks.
Elevator don't quiet make the top floor.
Fell out of the family tree.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
Goes surfing in Nebraska.
Golf bag doesn’t have a full set of irons.
Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn’t watching.
Gross ignoramus--144 times worse than a normal ignoramus.
Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.
Has delusions of adequacy.
Has two brains, one's lost and the other is out looking for it.
He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
He had a little too much chlorine in his gene pool.
He is so dumb, he would look for a wishbone in a soft-boiled egg.
He is so dumb, the only thing he ever read was an eye-chart.
He played too much without a helmet.
He’s got a mind like a steel trap, rusted shut.
He's got a leak in his think-tank.
He's got a mind like a steel sieve.
He's got his feet firmly planted 3 feet above the ground.
He's not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
He's so dense light bends around him.
His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
His cheese has slipped off his cracker.
His porch light ain't on.
If brains were chocolate, he wouldn't have enough to fill an M&M.
If brains were dynamite, he wouldn't have enough to blow his nose.
If brains were dynamite, he wouldn’t have enough to blow his hat off.
If brains were gasoline, he couldn't ride a moped around a fruit loop.
If brains were taxed, he’d get a rebate.
If he had a brain, he'd be dangerous.
If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.
If stupid were a talent, he would be considered gifted.
If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change back.
If you stand close enough to 'em you can hear the ocean.
Isn’t firing on all 6 cylinders.
Isn’t firing on all thrusters.
It's hard to believe that he beat out half a billion other sperm.
Kangaroo loose in the top paddock.
Like a pair of children’s scissors, bright and colourful, but not too sharp.
Million dollar body and a 2 dollar engine.
Mind is in neutral, body is in gear.
Mind like a rubber bear trap.
Needing a few screws tightened.
Not firing with all spark plugs.
Not the brightest light in the harbour.
Not the brightest light on the Christmas tree.
Not the sharpest hook in the tackle box.
Not the sharpest pencil in the box.
Off his rocker.
On/off switch is broken in the off position.
One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
One neuron short of a synapse.
One taco short of a combination plate.
One tit short of an udder.
One turbine short of an airplane.
One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests.
Prime candidate for natural deselection.
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
Requires directions to lay sod.
Room temperature IQ.
Running about a quart low.
Running on empty.
Sets the lowest possible goals, and consistently fails to achieve them.
Sharp as a bowling ball.
She is so dumb, she couldn't tell which way an elevator was going if she had two guesses.
She's not tied too tight to the pier.
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge but he just gargled.
Strong like bear, smart like tractor.
Takes him 1-1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
The elevator is stuck between floors.
The lights are flashing, the gate is down, but the train isn’t coming.
The lights are on, but nobody is home.
The wheel is turning but the hamster is dead.
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
Too dumb to pull his head in before he shuts the window.
Too many yards between the goal posts.
Two hub caps short of a Buick.
Warning--Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
Was left on the tilt-a-whirl too long as a baby.
Would be out of her depth in a mud puddle.
You're the flower of my life (you blooming idiot).
You can't call him an idiot, you'll insult all the idiots in the world.
