Mistakes

[Kajira Callista]

What does it mean when you keep making the same ones over and over?

What does it mean when you always think *this time is different*?


And how do you stop it from happening all over again?

 

[Ebonyfire]

What does it mean when you keep making the same ones over and over?

What does it mean when you always think *this time is different*?


And how do you stop it from happening all over again?

Well I think that to keep from making the same mistakes over and over again you have to:

1) acknowledge that it was a mistake in the first place
2) learn from the mistake, meaning you have to examine what happened and why
3) be willing to change your Modus operandi.

As one friend told me, if something does not work the first time, change your tactic and try something else, or as he said "change up".

If that mistake involves other people be forewarned that you can only fix yourself.

Eb

 

[A Desert Rose]

What does it mean when you keep making the same ones over and over?

What does it mean when you always think *this time is different*?


And how do you stop it from happening all over again?

I think you're just lucky, doll. And I mean that in a good way.

 

[tealsphynx]

I pray/meditate for a sign to point where I need to go with the issue. I always add that I'm unobservant and that I need a really obvious sign. It's worked everytime, though I didn't always listen until it involved a really big life decision.

 

[Evil_Geoff]

A good working definition of insanity = doing the same thing over and over, expecting the outcome to be different each time.

How to stop? Good question. I don't have any hard and fast answers, just a few suggestions.

1. Remember the programmers adage: GIGO - Garbage In = Garbage Out

2. Make a _conscious_ decision to change the pattern. If it's personal relationships and you are "attracted" to certain personality traits, try someone very different. If it's eating habits, try new foods or combinations of foods. Not for a day, or a week, at a minimum work on it for a month and I would recommend doing it for 6 months or more. Habits are easily as hard to break as addictions, it takes time to BREAK the habit and more time to BUILD a new one.

3. If this is in the personal arena, try NOT looking for someone. At all. Period. You might be afraid of being alone, it's okay to be afraid. Trust me on this though. Desperation and fear of being alone guides people to make HORRIBLE decisions about who is an acceptable partner. NO partner is better than a lousy one, at least with yourself you are in good company! Again, give it time. Oft times when you stop searching, when you least expect it, from out of the blue you will find someone, or they will find you. And it frequently turns out to be someone you would have never, _EVER_ given a second glance at if you were actively searching.

4. Find someone you trust, talk it out with them in detail. When you think you are slipping back into the habit, call them. Talk to them. LISTEN to them and they will help you hold on to your resolve and keep you pointed in the right direction. If it's school - get a study buddy. If it's exercise - get a workout partner. If it's work - get a mentor. You get the idea...

5. Prayer. Talk things out with whatever higher power/spirtual source you believe in. Don't bargain or plead, just let it know you're having problems in that arena and could use a little help here and there. Ask friends and family to keep you in their thoughts and prayers too. Higher Powers come in a variety of flavors, shapes and sizes, covering your bases by getting others to get involved may not fix the problem, but you know what? It certainly can't hurt!

*smiles*

So much for generic advice. {{{{{HUG}}}}} Hang in there, kiddo!

 

[Kajira Callista]

I think you're just lucky, doll. And I mean that in a good way.

I don't feel lucky.
I feel like there is something wrong with me because i never see things coming. Sorta like never ending rose colored glasses i guess.
I know that doesn't make much sense and when i feel a bit more brave one day, maybe i will add details to my questions. For now i need them to stay generic.

 

[Ebonyfire]

A good working definition of insanity = doing the same thing over and over, expecting the outcome to be different each time.

How to stop? Good question. I don't have any hard and fast answers, just a few suggestions.

1. Remember the programmers adage: GIGO - Garbage In = Garbage Out

2. Make a _conscious_ decision to change the pattern. If it's personal relationships and you are "attracted" to certain personality traits, try someone very different. If it's eating habits, try new foods or combinations of foods. Not for a day, or a week, at a minimum work on it for a month and I would recommend doing it for 6 months or more. Habits are easily as hard to break as addictions, it takes time to BREAK the habit and more time to BUILD a new one.

3. If this is in the personal arena, try NOT looking for someone. At all. Period. You might be afraid of being alone, it's okay to be afraid. Trust me on this though. Desperation and fear of being alone guides people to make HORRIBLE decisions about who is an acceptable partner. NO partner is better than a lousy one, at least with yourself you are in good company! Again, give it time. Oft times when you stop searching, when you least expect it, from out of the blue you will find someone, or they will find you. And it frequently turns out to be someone you would have never, _EVER_ given a second glance at if you were actively searching.

4. Find someone you trust, talk it out with them in detail. When you think you are slipping back into the habit, call them. Talk to them. LISTEN to them and they will help you hold on to your resolve and keep you pointed in the right direction. If it's school - get a study buddy. If it's exercise - get a workout partner. If it's work - get a mentor. You get the idea...

5. Prayer. Talk things out with whatever higher power/spirtual source you believe in. Don't bargain or plead, just let it know you're having problems in that arena and could use a little help here and there. Ask friends and family to keep you in their thoughts and prayers too. Higher Powers come in a variety of flavors, shapes and sizes, covering your bases by getting others to get involved may not fix the problem, but you know what? It certainly can't hurt!

*smiles*

So much for generic advice. {{{{{HUG}}}}} Hang in there, kiddo!

Good generic advice, in my mind!

Eb

 

[A Desert Rose]

I don't feel lucky.
I feel like there is something wrong with me because i never see things coming. Sorta like never ending rose colored glasses i guess.
I know that doesn't make much sense and when i feel a bit more brave one day, maybe i will add details to my questions. For now i need them to stay generic.

You don't need to add details. I know you well enough to already know.
And I still think you're lucky. Rose colored glasses aren't always a bad thing.

 

[NemoAlia]

Hi, KC. I have no idea if this is going to come out the right way, so please understand that I mean it in the best, friendliest, most constructive way.

Speaking for myself, I've found that what I look back on as "mistakes" are usually moments when I've decided to "indulge" myself, take a romantically hopeful view of things, or reach for something I haven't done the groundwork for. I've had to go into major self-denial mode in order to prevent making any new mistakes before I've repaired the damage from the old ones.

Could you be in a similar situation?

 

[catalina_francisco]

I was once told by a very sweet and wise woman there are no such things as mistakes, just learning opportunities...if we repeat something without learning why or how not to or how not to have the same outcome, we are just not ready as yet for the lesson and will be when the time is right.

Catalina

 

[alice_underneath]

What does it mean when you keep making the same ones over and over?

What does it mean when you always think *this time is different*?


And how do you stop it from happening all over again?

When it comes to issues relating to personal responsibility and mistakes, most of my friends and family members are either cheerleaders, 'poor-you'-ers, soft-pedallers, or those who simply avoid unpleasant topics altogether.

A very small minority are the type who will give direct and candid assessments of the ways in which my own behavior has contributed to misfortune in my life, and the number who will do so without being asked for an opinion is even smaller. These people have not always told me what I wanted to hear. But more often than not, they have told me what I needed to hear.

It can be extremely difficult to recognize and correct self-destructive or counter-productive behavior patterns in yourself. The only way I've ever been able to change is by heeding the words of a few brutally honest friends.

Alice

 

[SpectreT]

A good working definition of insanity = doing the same thing over and over, expecting the outcome to be different each time.

<snip>

The rest of the post was phenomenal, but this, I have to take issue with. Everything humans are involved with or observe is affected, to some degree or other, by chaos and entropy.

Take a funnel, hold it two feet above a sheet of tinfoil. Spin a ball bearing down the funnel, roulette-wheel style. It'll mark the tinfoil when it comes through the funnel. Do that a thousand times, you'll have a thousand different marks on the tinfoil. Too many variables change the result of the same action.

Human psyches are the ultimate chaos generators; especially when interacting with each other. Some patterns can emerge, sure, especially when we try to impose order on that chaos, but it's still that funnel, ball bearing, and tinfoil.

The rest of your post was great advice on aiming the funnel.

 

[graceanne]

I'm not sure that my advice will help but here goes.

My first boyfriend was . . . well fucked up. He was 14 and already been in JDH (kid jail), and was currently in an alternative school for kids who can't get along with other kids. I thought he was so hot. He never did anything to me, but that's mostly cause we always had someone around. He threatened things (like to burn me with a cigarette), and I didn't care.

After things didn't work out with us (someone always being around started getting on his nerves) I found myself 'crushing' on another guy at school. Then he got expelled for bitch slapping his girlfriend. Then I found myself attracted to another guy who WASN'T ATTRACTIVE. I knew enough about him to know he hung with a bad crowd. I got to thinking.

You know when a guy walks buy and you get that feeling in your stomach? It's not just lust it's like a tug to them? I learned that when that happens with me that that man has the potential (at the very least) to be an abuser. I've always avoided men who give me that feeling. That's how I broke the cycle. In acknowledging that something in me wanted me to be with abusive guys, then going out of my way to avoid guys who gave me that feeling.

I don't know if this'll help you or not. This is just what worked for me.

 

[Evil_Geoff]

Take a funnel, hold it two feet above a sheet of tinfoil. Spin a ball bearing down the funnel, roulette-wheel style. It'll mark the tinfoil when it comes through the funnel. Do that a thousand times, you'll have a thousand different marks on the tinfoil. Too many variables change the result of the same action.

Hi Spectre,

Using your example... If you drop a marble through a funnel over tinfoil, you are going to hit tinfoil. It might not be in the exact same spot on the tinfoil, but you expect to hit tinfoil.

Insanity on the other hand, would not be expecting hits to different spots on the tinfoil. Insanity would be expecting "This time it will hit the table!"... Damn, it got tinfoil! Okay.... "This time it will hit the wall!" Damn! Tinfoil again! Lets seeeeee.... "This time it will get the glass of water!" DAMNIT! More Tinfoil! Goshdarn snigglefritzing tinfoil! "This time I'm going to put that marble on the golldang COUCH!" WHAT?!?!?! Tinfoil AGAIN!?!?!?

That is what I am meaning by doing the same thing over and over but expecting the results to be different. Me personally, I would expect to hit tinfoil time and time again. If I want to get the glass I have to move the funnel. If I want to hit the wall I change the aim of the funnel and apply LOTS of air. If I want to hit the table I move the funnel a different direction, etc. See what I'm getting at?

To change the results we have to change the initial conditions. Sometimes just a little (like say, tilting the funnel off to one side a bit) or a lot (like moving it to another spot completely away from the tinfoil and adding compressed air to the equation).

Hope that makes the analogy more clear!

 

[Netzach]

I find I have to get *fucking sick of it* and hit emotional bottom, and I've always found that I've had sudden and dramatic fortuitude to just do/view different.

This is not a fun way to go, but it's worked for me. I have to say I've managed not to repeat certain mistakes in relationships very well. In other areas of my life, not so good, some bad habits are really hard to break. I imagine someday I will get tired enough of being disorganized to change it around, but that's harder than finding a partner!

 

[@}-}rebecca----]

Miss KC I was given some advise from a really crusty old , yet vaguely charming friend very recently. Apparently the key is figuring these things out is in using foresight. Seems sound and I am being quite proactive in my own ways of a similar vein of late.

My added 'advice' would be don't invest to much time berating yourself over mistakes.....there are always quite enough people to try and pull you down in this life with out heading the queue yourself don't you think ?

 

[A Desert Rose]

I have not failed. I just found 10,000 ways that won't work. Thomas Edison

Keep plugging along until you find the one way (or person) that does. And believe me, you will.

Good night.

 

[Betticus]

What does it mean when you keep making the same ones over and over?

What does it mean when you always think *this time is different*?


And how do you stop it from happening all over again?

Life is a lot like hunting. Except that the deer you are hunting is tied to a tree and caught in the headlight and you have unlimited ammo. If you miss at first the you need to change something.

The same approach from a man that make you think "this time is different" will just come out to be that same old thing that you can't be a part of. Try something different, something new and strange and adventurous. At least you will add to your pool of expertise.

 

[Kajira Callista]

Hi Spectre,

Using your example... If you drop a marble through a funnel over tinfoil, you are going to hit tinfoil. It might not be in the exact same spot on the tinfoil, but you expect to hit tinfoil.

Insanity on the other hand, would not be expecting hits to different spots on the tinfoil. Insanity would be expecting "This time it will hit the table!"... Damn, it got tinfoil! Okay.... "This time it will hit the wall!" Damn! Tinfoil again! Lets seeeeee.... "This time it will get the glass of water!" DAMNIT! More Tinfoil! Goshdarn snigglefritzing tinfoil! "This time I'm going to put that marble on the golldang COUCH!" WHAT?!?!?! Tinfoil AGAIN!?!?!?

That is what I am meaning by doing the same thing over and over but expecting the results to be different. Me personally, I would expect to hit tinfoil time and time again. If I want to get the glass I have to move the funnel. If I want to hit the wall I change the aim of the funnel and apply LOTS of air. If I want to hit the table I move the funnel a different direction, etc. See what I'm getting at?

To change the results we have to change the initial conditions. Sometimes just a little (like say, tilting the funnel off to one side a bit) or a lot (like moving it to another spot completely away from the tinfoil and adding compressed air to the equation).

Hope that makes the analogy more clear!

hmmmm lets just say... i am fully aware of the tinfoil but since it makes such pretty designs in it i forget or try to deny that the table is next.

 

[Kajira Callista]

BTW i wanted to let everyone know i am not ignoring their posts (i try to answer each one when i start a thread)...im sort of... absorbing them.

 

[Evil_Geoff]

hmmmm lets just say... i am fully aware of the tinfoil but since it makes such pretty designs in it i forget or try to deny that the table is next.

{{{{{HUG}}}}}

If you want the marble to get to the table, hon, you need to stop aiming at the tin foil. Or tilt the tinfoil. Or add more force to how the marble goes down the funnel so it has more energy and can roll off the tinfoil...

Exactly which change is made isn't nearly so important at this point as knowing you must, and then making a change. Try it a time or two to see if it gets you closer to where you want to be. If not, re-evalute and make another change. Sometimes you can make small, incrimental changes, sometimes you might need to make huge changes.

*smiles and gives you a {{{{{HUG}}}}}*

Just know that however you are feeling about yourself right now, there are folks out here who care, who think you are wonderful, valuable human being, you are someone precious, a friend.

 

[SpectreT]

What Geoff said.

 

[Kajira Callista]

{{{{{HUG}}}}}

If you want the marble to get to the table, hon, you need to stop aiming at the tin foil. Or tilt the tinfoil. Or add more force to how the marble goes down the funnel so it has more energy and can roll off the tinfoil...

Exactly which change is made isn't nearly so important at this point as knowing you must, and then making a change. Try it a time or two to see if it gets you closer to where you want to be. If not, re-evalute and make another change. Sometimes you can make small, incrimental changes, sometimes you might need to make huge changes.

*smiles and gives you a {{{{{HUG}}}}}*

Just know that however you are feeling about yourself right now, there are folks out here who care, who think you are wonderful, valuable human being, you are someone precious, a friend.

Ya know, I think you opened something for me. One of my biggest issues in mistake making is how it effects people that care for me. The people that sit and watch me play with the foil and know that eventually it is going to hit the table even though i refuse to believe it. I hate disappointing anyone but i do it constantly and when i am feeling like a idiot i feel like they must think i am the biggest idiot they ever saw... and this is probably the major reason i started this thread. I want to learn how to stop fucking up and disappointing everyone and how to live without those rose colored glasses some of the time.

 

[Ebonyfire]

I want to learn how to stop fucking up and disappointing everyone and how to live without those rose colored glasses some of the time.

When you learn to do that, write a book. You will make a mint!

We all fuck up, we all disappoint someone at sometime. So perhaps you are focusing on the wrong people. Please yourself, try not to disappoint yourself. The others will (or will not) follow. That's not selfish BTW, that is survival.

Eb

 

[Kajira Callista]

I want/ I need

I want to feel you.
I want to kiss you.
I want to touch you, not only physically but inside your heart
I want to be allowed to love you.
I want you to understand me.
I want you to want all of me, not just the parts you want to see.
I want to not have to be a secret anymore.
I want you to love me.
I need control.
I need romance.
I need pain.
I need honesty.
I need acceptance.
I need to know that wants and needs are important and will be met before I open the door for you.
I can not allow you to walk in and fulfill your needs, never seeing all of me.
Not wanting everything I am.
Not caring about breaking the parts you refuse to see.


I want to learn how to not feel guilty for having needs and wants.
I need to learn how to stand up and say that this is the foundation that needs to be in place before I let that marble spin in the funnel.
I want to know you are at the bottom to pick it up and hand it back so we can both watch the pretty marks it makes in the foil.
I need to feel safe and happy, with those two things I can fulfill every need you may have.



I want too much.
I need too much.
And that is why she is locked away.




I just needed ta do that. sorry for the drama and thanks for the help.