Mistakes

[saw_man1]

That reads like a beautiful poem written from the heart.

I don’t think you either want or need too much. What you desire sounds both fair and reasonable. Don’t settle.

 

[RJMasters]

...there are folks out here who care, who think you are wonderful, valuable human being, you are someone precious, a friend.

Couldn't have been said better.

 

[graceanne]

I don’t think you either want or need too much. What you desire sounds both fair and reasonable. Don’t settle.

I agree. And knowing that it's ok to want and need that is proably the first step to not making your 'mistakes'.

 

[RJMasters]

You know, sometimes mistakes can't be avoided...it all part and parce.

I think the trick is, to find someone who is strong enough to deal with mistakes and see things through.

It been my expereience that the strongest relationships I have made in my life, didn't come because everything was perfect or good. Certainly the good times accounted for a lot of the strength that was there, but also many of the strongest ties were forged in the trenches. These bonds were a result of both being willing to face the tough times together and see them through or to forgive each other when things go wrong.

After reading what you posted above about your wants and needs KC...I am going to be blunt as to my honest opinion.

You are looking for a mature Dom-Sadist, not a horny dominant. Making that distinction is not a popular notion around these parts as it tends to flare up the label and litmus test debates as you well know. However, I am going to stand by my statement, because I do see a distinction, I think its an important one.

Mature Doms are rare, whereas there seems to be horny dominants a plenty. This leads me to my next point which is, that often there is nothing wrong per se with you yourself, it just may be the pond your fishing in doesn't have anything but sucker fish in it. The mistakes are not a result or refllection of you, but are a result of fishing in the wrong pond.

This is a BDSM focused/oriented board. If you went to an apple orchard, you shouldn't be surprised if all you find growing on the trees there are apples.
So a tangible suggestion would be for you to consider if you are fishing in the right pond, or do you think finding an online/RL community that is more D/s relationship focused to be a better chance of finding one that will meet your wants and needs?

 

[catalina_francisco]

You are looking for a mature Dom-Sadist, not a horny dominant. Making that distinction is not a popular notion around these parts as it tends to flare up the label and litmus test debates as you well know. However, I am going to stand by my statement, because I do see a distinction, I think its an important one.

Mature Doms are rare, whereas there seems to be horny dominants a plenty.

No argument from me on this one...there are plenty who see it as sex, sex, sex, and very little if any of the deeper, longer lasting connection which requires more than just a healthy libido. I think KC will make someone very happy one day, it is just frustrating waiting for that moment to come and perhaps understandably results in burn out from time to time.

Catalina

 

[JMohegan]

I want to learn how to not feel guilty for having needs and wants.

Many women, both lifestyle and non, struggle with this problem. Whether from watching the self-sacrificing behavior of mothers, or from the oft-repeated admonition, "Don't be selfish," this guilt is ingrained from an early age.

The BDSM culture compounds the problem with a host of mantras summed up with the phrase: "It's all about the Dom." Like so many pithy expressions, this one presents a misleading view of a very complex dynamic.

It is difficult for me to provide meaningful help to a woman whom I do not know, except to provide explicit support for the notion that submissives have (and *should* have) wants and needs, and to further support the concept of a D/s relationship in which these are met.

Of course submission is about submitting to the wants and needs of a Dom. But not just *any* Dom - and therein lies the rub.

Relationship-style submission, IMO, is about submitting to the wants and needs of a Dom who meets your wants and needs as well. This concept sounds circular to some and heretical to others, but to me it represents the foundation of a sustainable union.

Easing ingrained guilt is a tall order. As an initial suggestion, I recommend opening a dialogue with other submissives about their wants and needs as often as possible. In helping others, we sometimes find the means to help ourselves.

 

[Kajira Callista]

Thank to all of you for some really good sound advice.

 

[tealsphynx]

My mistake lasted 3 years. 3 years of the same arguements, three years of feeling like I didn't matter. I still have a hard time getting over it, mostly because I'm mad at me about it. I'm smarter than that why didn't I stop it; that kind of thoughts. I like to vent it now and then in writing. <hugs>