Missing Orgasms...I really need your advice!

[SweetErika]

*Deep breath* Some of my orgasms are hiding, and I’m having trouble coaxing them out. Here’s the situation:
-I have no problem cumming in a short amount of time if I’m masturbating and fantasizing or reading a story.
-If I masturbate (solo), but don’t fantasize at all, it takes a long time. Yesterday I conducted a little experiment… masturbating while watching and concentrating on the news. It took far longer than I think it should, considering the amount of physical pleasure I was experiencing. I was really close the whole time, but I just couldn’t get over the edge.
-I take a long time with a partner. It’s ridiculously long. Again, I’m right there on the edge from the first minute or two, but I can’t seem to finish.

So, I’ve come to the (logical?) conclusion that the fantasizing is the determining factor. I have never (despite trying) fantasized when I’m with someone else. Part of that might be guilt-based, but I think the major problem is that my fantasies are completely unrelated to anything I’d ever do with my husband or in real life period. So it’s not like I can add some mental embellishments to the real experience because the fantasy and reality are on opposite sides of the spectrum. If I try to fantasize, it’s almost like the real experience distracts me.

I also know this is entirely mental. I have a tendency to internalize things, so when the seed of doubt has been planted, a vicious cycle begins. I have tried relaxing and talking myself out of it. That’s not working anymore. I get there quickly and then the worry that something might distract me or I won’t be able to finish kicks in (even when I’m by myself and not fantasizing, but it’s slightly worse with my husband because he’s an unpredictable factor). I’d like to think this over and work on it, but if I don't make some progress, I will seek counseling.

Questions for you:
-Is fantasizing a major factor in your orgasms?
-Have you ever had a similar experience?
-Am I missing something big here?
-Any suggestions on how to get over this challenge?
-Any other insights or experiences?

I’m looking for a little reassurance, support, and advice. Thank you for taking the time to respond. It means a lot to me.

 

[Kissophile]

I'm hardly qualified to help you out, but I did find an old thread (short but with a couple of informative posts) that talked of this very issue: What is happening?

Good luck. I'm sure some of the How To women will come to your aid shortly.

 

[SweetErika]

Thank you, Kissophile!

 

[Goldie Munro]

All I can say is that everyone and every orgasm is different!

I find that if I am masterbating and fantasing I can usually cum quite quickly but sometimes not!!

With my partner I sometimes cum very quickly and cum and cum again and sometimes not at all. I never think about orgasms - I think about enjoying the experience and if I cum then well and good - if not then so be it!Some orgasms are little bitty things that make you go 'oh' others make you go 'YEAH OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH'

LOL in my experinece the more you think about it the less it is going to happen - just enjoy the ride!!

 

[zhukov1943]

I think that it is indeed "in your head", Erika. In my experience, sex is 10% below the waist, and 90% above the neck...

It's weird how much effect "kink" and "fantasy" has on your ability to "get off".

 

[Willing and Unsure]

there's times where I'll fantasize a bit when I'm with someone else. I dont have a problem doing that if for some reason I just cant quite get over that last bump before falling off the cliff, so to speak. To me, it's just one of those things where I dont think my pleasure should be falling entirely on his shoulders, and I dont want him to be worn out before I get completely there.

 

[bobsgirl]

Yes, when I'm alone, fantasies play a big part in my pleasure. I enjoy that time very much. But sometimes, no matter how much you want to see stars, so to speak, it just ain't gonna happen.

I don't think there is anything at all wrong with fantasizing when you are with your partner. If it enriches the experience for you, then it's wonderful. Maybe your husband would find your fantasies a turn-on too?

Yes, it probably is a mental hurdle. I found I started enjoying sex a lot more when I started taking responsibility for my own orgasms. I used to expect that HE would make me come, so all I did was lie back and wait for the big O. Ridiculous. When I became an active partner, things got a little better.

Try not to obsess over this too much--that's a sure way to make the problem worse.

 

[SweetErika]

Thank you for your responses.

Goldie- I feel the same way. Orgasm isn't the point of sex for me, but I'm getting stuck in the "It feels so good and I'm right on the edge, WTF is wrong with me???" trap. You post is a helpful reminder that maybe I should not expect it at all, no matter how close I am.

Zhukov- I know this is all in my head for a fact...there's nothing wrong physically, and that's why it's so frustrating! Any suggestions on how I can shut my thoughts up?

Willing and Unsure- God, I envy you! I wish I could fantasize, but I can't no matter how much I try. I agree, I'm the only one responsible for my pleasure, so I hope no one's getting the idea that I think otherwise.

 

[SweetErika]

Yes, when I'm alone, fantasies play a big part in my pleasure. I enjoy that time very much. But sometimes, no matter how much you want to see stars, so to speak, it just ain't gonna happen.

You're right, and this is what I'm going to focus on.

I don't think there is anything at all wrong with fantasizing when you are with your partner. If it enriches the experience for you, then it's wonderful. Maybe your husband would find your fantasies a turn-on too?

I don't think there's anything wrong with fantasizing when you're with a partner, and I would if I could. My husband has encouraged it, but I almost think of it as a special thing I can enjoy by myself. I'm not sure that makes sense, but that's the best I can do verbalizing it. I'm happy to and do share other, more realistic fantasies with my husband, but I just can't get into the details of the ones I masturbate to with him (probably because I fear they wouldn't be as fun if someone else knew).

Yes, it probably is a mental hurdle. I found I started enjoying sex a lot more when I started taking responsibility for my own orgasms. I used to expect that HE would make me come, so all I did was lie back and wait for the big O. Ridiculous. When I became an active partner, things got a little better.

Try not to obsess over this too much--that's a sure way to make the problem worse.

Just to clarify, the orgasms I'm having trouble with are during mutual masturbation...I'm pleasing myself, and he's contributing, and I'm touching and kissing him. I think that's one of the reasons it's so hard for me to accept "failure"...we're both doing everything right physically, and it's not happening.

How can I not obsess over it? I really feel like I can't turn my brain off, even with conscious efforts to do so (deep breaths, relaxing, focusing on the feelings, etc.)

I'm sorry for writing so much, but I think this is actually helping!

 

[zhukov1943]

>>>Any suggestions on how I can shut my thoughts up?

No, no - for goodness sakes, DON'T shut your thoughts up!

Lemme see if I have this straight - you don't want to fantasize while having sex, because it feels too "disconnected" from your real-life experience with your partner?

When I said it was 90% mental, I didn't necessarily mean that you need to be fantasizing about fucking someone else - what I really meant was more along the lines of "what non-physical things really 'turn your crank'?"

For me, it's the little things that are a real turn-on - the little intake of breath she makes when I first enter her, for instance, that always sounds so "suprised". Or the way she looks at me, with that knowing look that seems to say "I know what you're doing to me - and I LIKE IT!"

What kind of stuff can you INCLUDE your man in? What kind of stuff does he do that really gets you off - not physically, but mentally? What sort of "kink" gets you going - for example, would you like it if he were really "in control" or something? Would you like feeling like you were just "along for the ride"? How about a little dirty talk from him - would that make you feel like you were "bad" (and hence, help make you feel real, real "good"?)

Also, you can do a little fantasizing without necessarily being "mentally unfaithful". One of my former girlfriends had a GORGEOUS little ass - but was thoroughly repulsed by the thought of anal sex (which was unfortunately one of my own little "kinks"!) Sometimes, when taking her from behind, I would imagine that I was buried deep in her ass instead of her pussy - wow, what a thrill!

Maybe some of these ideas might be helpful to you? The other posters are dead-on, though, when they tell you not to let it get to you - the more you think about why you can't come, the less likely that you'll be able to...

 

[SweetErika]

>>>Any suggestions on how I can shut my thoughts up?

No, no - for goodness sakes, DON'T shut your thoughts up!

Lemme see if I have this straight - you don't want to fantasize while having sex, because it feels too "disconnected" from your real-life experience with your partner?

Well, I meant I need to stop the bad, cyclical thoughts and replace them with good ones.

I would love to fantasize when I'm with him, but that's where the problem lies... they are completely different worlds, and I can't be in them both at the same time.

When I said it was 90% mental, I didn't necessarily mean that you need to be fantasizing about fucking someone else - what I really meant was more along the lines of "what non-physical things really 'turn your crank'?"

For me, it's the little things that are a real turn-on - the little intake of breath she makes when I first enter her, for instance, that always sounds so "suprised". Or the way she looks at me, with that knowing look that seems to say "I know what you're doing to me - and I LIKE IT!"

What kind of stuff can you INCLUDE your man in? What kind of stuff does he do that really gets you off - not physically, but mentally? What sort of "kink" gets you going - for example, would you like it if he were really "in control" or something? Would you like feeling like you were just "along for the ride"? How about a little dirty talk from him - would that make you feel like you were "bad" (and hence, help make you feel real, real "good"?)

Also, you can do a little fantasizing without necessarily being "mentally unfaithful". One of my former girlfriends had a GORGEOUS little ass - but was thoroughly repulsed by the thought of anal sex (which was unfortunately one of my own little "kinks"!) Sometimes, when taking her from behind, I would imagine that I was buried deep in her ass instead of her pussy - wow, what a thrill!

Maybe some of these ideas might be helpful to you? The other posters are dead-on, though, when they tell you not to let it get to you - the more you think about why you can't come, the less likely that you'll be able to...

You are so right, and this portion was very, very helpful. We have included some of the fantasy elements you spoke of, and it has helped some. Being dominated is something both of us like, so we're a bit of a mis-match there, but we're working on it. I guess we have the rest of our lives to work on it, so that's encouraging!

I'm writing the main points of this and my mini-revelations down as they occur...thank you for your help!

 

[ReadyOne]

Try talking to him...

No, not the sit down outside the bedroom and the communicate trip...

While you're having sex, describe to him what's happening, "You're pounding my clit so hard!". Tell him how it feels, how you feel ("your cock feels so big inside me", "I feel so connected when you are buried deep inside me").

That might 1) help distract you, and 2) help you start some fantasing that you're willing to share with him.

 

[Avery_Chisholm]

All I can say is that everyone and every orgasm is different!

I find that if I am masterbating and fantasing I can usually cum quite quickly but sometimes not!!

With my partner I sometimes cum very quickly and cum and cum again and sometimes not at all. I never think about orgasms - I think about enjoying the experience and if I cum then well and good - if not then so be it!Some orgasms are little bitty things that make you go 'oh' others make you go 'YEAH OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH'

LOL in my experinece the more you think about it the less it is going to happen - just enjoy the ride!!

AMEN!

 

[Bobmi357]

Erika,
I think you have jumped to an incorrect conclusion here. Look at the facts.

1. You have no problems achieving orgasm when masturbating and fantasizing about something.

2. You tried doing it and watching the news at the same time and had trouble orgasming.

3. You say you take a long time with a partner.

Yeah I'll agree with a lot of people, its probably mental, but I don't think it has much to do with your fantasys and a lot to do with your level of distraction.

Alone you can concentrate and do exactly what you need to feel good. In front of the evening news, I'd have problems keeping my woody and watching Sam Donaldson let alone cuming.

With a partner you are probably still as distracted as watching tv, thinking about what he's/she's doing, what will he/she do next, why did he/she stop doing that and start doing something else etc.

My wife isn't what I'd call a slow fuse to orgasm, but sometimes she can take 20 or 30 minutes before she lights off. A lot of that has to do with my hand or tongue getting tired and needing to change angles and positions. Each time I change position, its a distraction, it takes away from her pleasure for a bit. Sometimes I'll try talking to her, and that too is a distraction.

I think thats probably what you are experiencing more than a problem related to fantasizing.

 

[alg68]

Another option....

I think everyone here has made some really good suggestions, I'd just like to add another viewpoint...

Perhaps it's time to make lemonade, ie. use this opportunity to make a play for the really really big O. Get close, stop and calm down, get close, stop and calm down etc etc. then go for it. This usually takes great restraint, control and patience. It's odd to focus on NOT having an orgasm. Sounds like right now, you may have an edge. Use it!

I have also found that I can occasionally reverse-psychology my own body. Usually I do this with hiccups. If I anxiously await the next hiccup, trying to force it out, usually I stop.

Like everything else in life, I think a persons sex life goes though cycles. What you crave this year may bore you next year, and that thing you tried in college and didn't really like, may suddenly become the cat's meow. As long as you are enjoying yourself, go with it.

 

[Willing and Unsure]

Willing and Unsure- God, I envy you! I wish I could fantasize, but I can't no matter how much I try. I agree, I'm the only one responsible for my pleasure, so I hope no one's getting the idea that I think otherwise.

that's not what I was implying at all. I dont sit and fantasize about someone else while I'm in that position with his hands all over me or anything. I'll fantasize about something wtih him. Something that I know I would find exceptionally amazing at the time, kind of a spur of the moment impulse thought.


Another thing that I find works to change things up so you cant really think as much is for him to tie you up and blindfold you. You wont be able to see what he's going to do next and all you can do is feel. Sometimes this helps the thought process lower during those times because you're too concentrated on what he's going to do next.

 

[SweetErika]

Erika,
I think you have jumped to an incorrect conclusion here. Look at the facts.

1. You have no problems achieving orgasm when masturbating and fantasizing about something.

2. You tried doing it and watching the news at the same time and had trouble orgasming.

3. You say you take a long time with a partner.

Yeah I'll agree with a lot of people, its probably mental, but I don't think it has much to do with your fantasys and a lot to do with your level of distraction.

Alone you can concentrate and do exactly what you need to feel good. In front of the evening news, I'd have problems keeping my woody and watching Sam Donaldson let alone cuming.

With a partner you are probably still as distracted as watching tv, thinking about what he's/she's doing, what will he/she do next, why did he/she stop doing that and start doing something else etc.

My wife isn't what I'd call a slow fuse to orgasm, but sometimes she can take 20 or 30 minutes before she lights off. A lot of that has to do with my hand or tongue getting tired and needing to change angles and positions. Each time I change position, its a distraction, it takes away from her pleasure for a bit. Sometimes I'll try talking to her, and that too is a distraction.

I think thats probably what you are experiencing more than a problem related to fantasizing.

Ok, any particularly appealing thought can push someone over the edge...fantasy or reality, right? I guess I assumed it was the fantasizing that was missing, but distraction makes a lot more sense since the arousal is definitely there. It just clicked. Thank you, Bobmi!!! If I grow up to have a fraction of your intelligence and wisdom, I'll be one happy woman!

Alright, do you (or anyone else) have a plausible solution for the distraction problem? I love it when he touches, kisses, and talks to me, so do I just try to get used to it (that's not really likely after years) or is there something else we can try?

 

[Bobmi357]

Here's a suggestion, but it implies a good deal of trust on your part. Go for a partial sensory shutdown. Eliminate some of the distractions in effect by turning off or overpowering those senses which are at the root of the distraction.

Try adding a blindfold, and a pair of headphones attached to a cd player on autorepeat. Get one of those cd's where you listen to instrumental music only. With the blindfold and the audio, you'll eliminate two senses that would ordinarily be a source of distraction.

The real problem here is this is going to require the active and willing cooperation of your partner. He/she needs to understand that this isn't so much as a way you intend to make love for the rest of your life, but as a tool to help you train your own body and mind. You be in effect, surrendering yourself to the sensations he/she can actively provide you, while largely being passive yourself.

You need to learn to give into the moment. There's an old joke about a husband and wife grunting on the bed and the wife suddenly looks up at the ceiling and says "BEIGE! I should have painted the ceiling beige!". Its totally a matter of focus and realizing that while you're making love, short of the house burning down, or the world coming to an end, there's really nothing that important.

This isn't new or unique to you. Heck I've had my wife pull the same routine on me a few times. There I am kissing and nuzzling with her and suddenly she wants to talk about what one of the cats did earlier that day. Or what one of the clients wants. In either case, its a real mood killer. Fortunately for me, my wife doesn't do it often.

Secondly and more importantly stop concentrating so hard on having an orgasm. That alone will drive you to distraction and stop it from happening. Give in to the sensation and let it take you.

 

[xDonkeyxPunchx]

i will agree that its mostly in your head, considering the largest sex organ in the body is the brain. If you dont want it to happen it wont. So dont think about it, just enjoy it, and think about how good it feels, and other things that get you off. Sometimes i have this happen to, i get close to the edge but cant seem to make it over, and it usually takes awhile to make it over, and i think its because sometimes i just need somthing new, same ol porn can get boring, or same ol fantasies. never have a problem orgrasming during sex though (least not yet)

 

[SweetErika]

Re: Another option....

I think everyone here has made some really good suggestions, I'd just like to add another viewpoint...

Perhaps it's time to make lemonade, ie. use this opportunity to make a play for the really really big O. Get close, stop and calm down, get close, stop and calm down etc etc. then go for it. This usually takes great restraint, control and patience. It's odd to focus on NOT having an orgasm. Sounds like right now, you may have an edge. Use it!

I have also found that I can occasionally reverse-psychology my own body. Usually I do this with hiccups. If I anxiously await the next hiccup, trying to force it out, usually I stop.

Like everything else in life, I think a persons sex life goes though cycles. What you crave this year may bore you next year, and that thing you tried in college and didn't really like, may suddenly become the cat's meow. As long as you are enjoying yourself, go with it.

Excellent advice as well, and I'm determined to put it to good use. Stopping and re-starting does help, but I'm hesitant to do it for fear it'll take longer. I know that's rediculous and I'm not going to do it anymore.

 

[Bobmi357]

"You're pounding my clit so hard!"

Sorry, but I couldn't pass this one up.

But wouldn't the above statement really imply someone's got aiming problems??

Drop 50 and fire for effect!!

 

[DirtyJJ]

*Deep breath* Some of my orgasms are hiding, and I’m having trouble coaxing them out. Here’s the situation:
-I have no problem cumming in a short amount of time if I’m masturbating and fantasizing or reading a story.
-If I masturbate (solo), but don’t fantasize at all, it takes a long time. Yesterday I conducted a little experiment… masturbating while watching and concentrating on the news. It took far longer than I think it should, considering the amount of physical pleasure I was experiencing. I was really close the whole time, but I just couldn’t get over the edge.
-I take a long time with a partner. It’s ridiculously long. Again, I’m right there on the edge from the first minute or two, but I can’t seem to finish.

Erika, I am in the exact same situation, so I really know what you are saying. I also must have some kind of fantasy going on in my head in order to come, and while that is fine when I am alone, it doesn't translate as well to the bedroom. Like you, often what I want to fantasize about is different that what is going on with my partner, so I feel that disconnect and distraction that makes having an orgasm with him difficult. Of course I am aroused by what is going on with my partner, but I have a lot of difficulty pushing myself over the edge too, or it takes forever. Alone, I have no problems at all.

There is nothing "wrong" with you Erika. I know you probably feel frustrated and internalize this as your problem - I have done that as well. But that just makes the problem worse. I think it is just a reality that it can be harder for us to come. But - as the others here have said - the first and most important step is to relax and not put a negative focus on it. It can happen if you think it can, but it's also possible that it may not always. I wish I had some more advice for you - but as I am in the same boat I guess I can only say - don't beat yourself up over it, don't focus too hard on it while you are in bed, enjoy what is happening in the moment, and if you have to conjure up some wild fantasy to get over the edge with your partner, just do it and don't feel guilty. Accept yourself as you are. And about coming while watching the news.... I don't think anyone could do that! That assumes that people can get off from physical stimulation alone, regardless of what is going on mentally, and I don't think that is very possible. Your brain is very connected to all of this.

Good luck to you Erika. Maybe we can keep each other posted on our progress.

 

[SweetErika]

Bobmi, again, great advice about sensory deprivation, and we'll play around with some different things. I think a lot of the distraction comes from the touching because sometimes it tickles or he'll change slightly, and my concentration goes out the window. We are excellent problem solvers though, so I'm sure we can work this out. Thank you...it does mean a lot!

Originally posted by DirtyJJErika, I am in the exact same situation, so I really know what you are saying. I also must have some kind of fantasy going on in my head in order to come, and while that is fine when I am alone, it doesn't translate as well to the bedroom. Like you, often what I want to fantasize about is different that what is going on with my partner, so I feel that disconnect and distraction that makes having an orgasm with him difficult. Of course I am aroused by what is going on with my partner, but I have a lot of difficulty pushing myself over the edge too, or it takes forever. Alone, I have no problems at all.

Thank you so much for posting this, DirtyJJ! It's very comforting to know there is another woman with this problem. I think it's easy to get sucked into the idea of equating being very sexual to quick and easy to come, and we are somehow failing (or our partners think they are) when we don't. I'm going to make a conscious effort not to think that. Anyway, I really appreciate your post, and I'd love to keep in touch with you!

 

[Zergplex]

Zergplex Says

Bobmi, again, great advice about sensory deprivation, and we'll play around with some different things. I think a lot of the distraction comes from the touching because sometimes it tickles or he'll change slightly, and my concentration goes out the window. We are excellent problem solvers though, so I'm sure we can work this out. Thank you...it does mean a lot!



Thank you so much for posting this, DirtyJJ! It's very comforting to know there is another woman with this problem. I think it's easy to get sucked into the idea of equating being very sexual to quick and easy to come, and we are somehow failing (or our partners think they are) when we don't. I'm going to make a conscious effort not to think that. Anyway, I really appreciate your post, and I'd love to keep in touch with you!

Not just women Erika. I don't have this to your extent, but unless I fantasize orgasming takes a VERY long time, and is almost impossible through oral. My difference is that my fantasies can mesh very well with reality, while you mentioned a problem doing so. Not too much I can add other then your not the only one, and that I feel for your proble. If you get an answer let me know ^_~

-Zergplex

 

[ReadyOne]

Sorry, but I couldn't pass this one up.

But wouldn't the above statement really imply someone's got aiming problems??

Drop 50 and fire for effect!!

Too bad your lady's never had that experience with you. Maybe you're so long you just can't get all the way in!