Mental Illness

[CutieMouse]

Nope; meditation stresses the hell out of me. If I meditate, my anxiety levels go up. But if I focus on repetitive work (scrubbing floors, for example), it calms me down.

Woot. Thank you.

The tips will be helpful, and someone finally put into words why those "Be Happy" things irritate me so badly, LOL.

That leads me to another question, though. Am I the only one who can't fucking meditate? I try. I try so hard. (I do it for spiritual purposes, rather than stress-relief, but still.) I am SO bad at it. It doesn't relax me at all. I used to try to do it before bed, but I soon figured out that it makes my insomnia worse. It causes...something in my head. Not anxiety. But something that is the opposite of calm.

I am clearly doing something wrong here. What is it?

 

[BiBunny]

Nope; meditation stresses the hell out of me. If I meditate, my anxiety levels go up. But if I focus on repetitive work (scrubbing floors, for example), it calms me down.

Oh, thank God I'm not the only one.

Ok, that sounded bad. I'm sorry that it stresses you out, but you are not alone.

 

[desireinyellow]

Thought some of the folks dealing with depression might appreciate this:

http://www.diycouturier.com/post/47249603128/21-tips-to-keep-your-shit-together-when-youre

That was great thanks!

 

[Netzach]

Nope; meditation stresses the hell out of me. If I meditate, my anxiety levels go up. But if I focus on repetitive work (scrubbing floors, for example), it calms me down.

Asanas are a low-productivity take on this.

I still think it's good to try to find a way to be with yourself that doesn't involve any result whatsoever, but if that works, hooray. I'm bad at this FWIW.

 

[FurryFury]

I do what I like to call reverse meditation. Instead of going with blankness and just being-ness I focus on something that calms me or makes me happy.

For me that's floating on the ocean or a cat's purr. If I deliberately focus on positive things rather than negative things that are trying to whirl around in my head, I calm and sometimes even fall into a wakeful kind of sleep-ish-ness.

It takes practice and determination but the results can be more than worth it on thinking too much I can't sleep nights. Or on being face down at the chiro unable to do anything while a machine shocks me (yummy but also frustrating) days.

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

Lately when I wake in the middle of the night, I'm able to go to back to sleep by following my breath. It's the meditation equivalent of counting sheep.

As for sitting meditation, I have monkeymind. I know there's a reason it's called practice, and right now that's time I am unwilling to divert from my nonsense!

 

[CutieMouse]

Lately when I wake in the middle of the night, I'm able to go to back to sleep by following my breath. It's the meditation equivalent of counting sheep.

As for sitting meditation, I have monkeymind. I know there's a reason it's called practice, and right now that's time I am unwilling to divert from my nonsense!

I need to start running again. It forces me to focus on my breath...

I hate struggling. Everyone says I'm doing so much the kick-assness at the new (100% draw against commission) job, and I see it. In theory. But starting over is still startingfuckingOVER. Which means a new industry, no client base, a totally different rhythm; all for eventual rewards. I believe it will pay off, just as I'm being told it will. I'm worried how behind I will be, by the time it does. Which means I'm feeling the edges of panic attacks (through the meds). And sleep alludes me most nights. And the boy starts college on Monday. I'm feeling too fragile to be a grown up anymore, dammit!

[/whine]

 

[FurryFury]

*HUGS*

I need to start running again. It forces me to focus on my breath...

I hate struggling. Everyone says I'm doing so much the kick-assness at the new (100% draw against commission) job, and I see it. In theory. But starting over is still startingfuckingOVER. Which means a new industry, no client base, a totally different rhythm; all for eventual rewards. I believe it will pay off, just as I'm being told it will. I'm worried how behind I will be, by the time it does. Which means I'm feeling the edges of panic attacks (through the meds). And sleep alludes me most nights. And the boy starts college on Monday. I'm feeling too fragile to be a grown up anymore, dammit!

[/whine]

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

I need to start running again. It forces me to focus on my breath...

I hate struggling. Everyone says I'm doing so much the kick-assness at the new (100% draw against commission) job, and I see it. In theory. But starting over is still startingfuckingOVER. Which means a new industry, no client base, a totally different rhythm; all for eventual rewards. I believe it will pay off, just as I'm being told it will. I'm worried how behind I will be, by the time it does. Which means I'm feeling the edges of panic attacks (through the meds). And sleep alludes me most nights. And the boy starts college on Monday. I'm feeling too fragile to be a grown up anymore, dammit!

[/whine]

It's hard to start over.

It feels like leaving the island on the raft: yes, you need to go, and yes, you plan on hitting the shipping lanes eventually, but... it's a raft. Alone. And at least you had familiar coconuts before.

Wiiiiiiiiiillllson!!!!!



You'll make it.

 

[gypsy*seer]

Lately when I wake in the middle of the night, I'm able to go to back to sleep by following my breath. It's the meditation equivalent of counting sheep.

As for sitting meditation, I have monkeymind. I know there's a reason it's called practice, and right now that's time I am unwilling to divert from my nonsense!

First, I count down to an alpha state, then I'm able to focus on the breathing - most of the time. Sometimes I'm just too damned tired, and I fall asleep, only to wake up an hour or two later. If I can stay up until I get my breathing rhythmic, I fare much better at sleeping most of the way through the night. What I aim for is to be able to get to the imaging part of the meditation, then I "know" I'm deeply - in, for lack of a better word.

I need to start running again. It forces me to focus on my breath...

I hate struggling. Everyone says I'm doing so much the kick-assness at the new (100% draw against commission) job, and I see it. In theory. But starting over is still startingfuckingOVER. Which means a new industry, no client base, a totally different rhythm; all for eventual rewards. I believe it will pay off, just as I'm being told it will. I'm worried how behind I will be, by the time it does. Which means I'm feeling the edges of panic attacks (through the meds). And sleep alludes me most nights. And the boy starts college on Monday. I'm feeling too fragile to be a grown up anymore, dammit!

[/whine]

Being the first one to hate to admit it, a good cry can help greatly!
Struggling between being my mothers caretaker, my two brothers therapist/Red Roof Inn/responsible sibling, my employers "stress-reducer" (he has a tendency to yell - a lot), and being a good partner, leaves me feeling like I'm not enough to anyone, least of all myself. I guess this means we have to take care of ourselves first!
Not sure if this will help, but I can empathize with you!

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

First, I count down to an alpha state, then I'm able to focus on the breathing - most of the time. Sometimes I'm just too damned tired, and I fall asleep, only to wake up an hour or two later. If I can stay up until I get my breathing rhythmic, I fare much better at sleeping most of the way through the night. What I aim for is to be able to get to the imaging part of the meditation, then I "know" I'm deeply - in, for lack of a better word.

Is it me, or does this board own the Lit Insomnia Cup year after year?

I'm wondering if what is needed is a giant BDSM-board naked mole rat den. Ever seen those critters pile on? Not an insomniac in the bunch.

 

[gypsy*seer]

Is it me, or does this board own the Lit Insomnia Cup year after year?

I'm wondering if what is needed is a giant BDSM-board naked mole rat den. Ever seen those critters pile on? Not an insomniac in the bunch.

Right on, brother!
But I don't think the sight of naked mole rats would help me sleep at all!
(They're pretty creepy looking, if you ask me! Not judging....poor little mole rat)

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

Right on, brother!
But I don't think the sight of naked mole rats would help me sleep at all!
(They're pretty creepy looking, if you ask me! Not judging....poor little mole rat)

No actual mole rats would be harmed for this idea. I was thinking that everyone from this board lying awake could... pile on.

If showered.

 

[gypsy*seer]

No actual mole rats would be harmed for this idea. I was thinking that everyone from this board lying awake could... pile on.

If showered.

"Dive right in, baby, the water is fine!"
Bette Midler in The Rose

WooHoo!

 

[rida]

A little update:

Hubby is going off to alcohol rehab ("yeah!" and "again ...") for 5 weeks.

I'm happy he has decided he had to go and made the arrangement.

I'm not holding my breath on everything becoming puppies and sunshine once he is back. (been there, did not work two years ago).

Unless his approach/attitude to the general shitty situation stops being about me and what I'm doing/don't doing for him and became one of what he can do to accept, cope and make the best (as in hand-able) of the situation, it is just going to be once again an expensive "vacation".

His bipolar is not going away.
But it is no excuse to just keep on drinking and wallow in his self-pity.

I made clear that once he is back, he needs to commit to stay on the wagon, and I made him promise to contact AA and go to meetings/find support buddies.

We will see.


ETA: re: being made responsible for him not killing himself

After many many such an emotional blackmail, I made clear that I was not going to be guilt tripped into it any longer, and if he really wanted to die, I would be actively responsible for it.
A bit drastic but it worked. (And I really meant it at the time.)

Of course it did not stop the emotional blackmail completely but it took an way less effective shape, and much easier to handle.

 

[FurryFury]

Rida,

It sounds like you and he have the possibility of better things happening for both of you. I hope things do start going in a better direction for you both. *HUGS*

 

[BiBunny]

*Hugs to everyone who is in need of them*


My friend Laura is taking me on an all-expenses-paid trip to the beach this week. I didn't want her to pay for it like this, but she absolutely would not let me tell her no. So finally I gave in and am going to settle for at least buying my own food while I'm there.

I may not have a metric shit ton of friends, but I have some really awesome ones. Quality over quantity and all that.

 

[gypsy*seer]

*Hugs to everyone who is in need of them*

I may not have a metric shit ton of friends, but I have some really awesome ones. Quality over quantity and all that.

And hugs back at you, too!
Have a helluva time, hunny-Bunny! You deserve it, and so does your awesome friend!
Enjoy!

 

[marieR19]

... I live 3 hours from the beach and haven't been to one in a good 10 years. That sounds like a wonderful idea. Have fun BiBunny!!

Been put on a higher dose of Lithium. I *HATE* the whole "2-6 weeks before you feel full effects" thing.... Just sitting here twiddling my thumbs and HELLO, still freaking depressed! *rolls eyes* But I'm hoping it helps.
Also, I'm kitten-sitting for 10 days for a friend who's out of town, so I get to have a 24/7 kitten loving on me for awhile. Fuzzy-therapy is sometimes the best kind.

 

[FurryFury]

MarieR19

I hope you feel better soon. You should take a trip to the beach. Something about being there always feels restorative to me. It's just happy making.

 

[Mission_Blue]

Is it me, or does this board own the Lit Insomnia Cup year after year?

I'm wondering if what is needed is a giant BDSM-board naked mole rat den. Ever seen those critters pile on? Not an insomniac in the bunch.

This is my first year here, but it does seem rampant with sleep troubles. In a naked mole rat people pile, I'd -never- sleep!

I have rather vicious insomnia. It's been so bad in the last month that I've begun taking Xanax before bed. If I don't, 9 times out of 10 I have stressful nightmares and wake up with pain in old injuries exacerbated to debilitating levels. Trying not to be reliant, not taking it every day- it's just that when I do is the only decent sleep I get.

I was diagnosed with Major Depression: Recurrent when I was 16. I was diagnosed with social anxiety disorder when I was 25. Sometimes I'm okay for a few months. Sometimes I'm okay for a few hours. You just live with it and do the best you can. It's been bad lately... Big dark rainclouds storming on my lonely sad head. I'm really hard on myself. I make a lot of mistakes. A tricky combo of faults.

I don't think my bdsm needs have anything to do with being metally ill. I had non-consent, voyeuristic, pain-play fantasies at a very young age. (granted, in the scope of a child's mind and not as I've come to know those aspects as an adult)- long before I started self-harm or having panic attacks. I think my lust for control plays a large role in my being a sub. It's soothing to give it away to someone I trust and go along for the ride. There aren't many areas or outlets in my life I feel okay to let go in.

I appreciate this gathering. It's nice to know there are some compassionate minds around.

 

[FurryFury]

Welcome Mission_Blue

 

[Curious_in_Cali]

A little update:

Hubby is going off ...

Of course it did not stop the emotional blackmail completely but it took an way less effective shape, and much easier to handle.

I wish I had something helpful to say that could help or ease your mind in some way, but instead I can offe a huge hug and my deepest wishes for an improved sitch for your family. That is some really hard stuff. I hope you are taking good care of you.

 

[marieR19]

*hugs everyone!!*

*is annoyed at the need to post in this particular thread so often lately* So, Zoloft has been added to my meds since they seem to be "working" but not *enough*. I'm also, by doctor's orders, on a month-long medical leave from work (not that I've been able to work much lately anyways....). On the one hand, that means a whole month of NOT freaking out every single morning about going to work, having 3-5 anxiety attacks within my 4-hour workday, cutting myself almost every day at work, etc etc. ..... On the other hand, uh, money?? *grumbles*

 

[rida]

I wish I had something helpful to say that could help or ease your mind in some way, but instead I can offe a huge hug and my deepest wishes for an improved sitch for your family. That is some really hard stuff. I hope you are taking good care of you.

Thank you. And {{{hugs}}} to you too.
I was meaning to write earlier and reply to your previous post but did not make it in time.

Please you too, take care of yourself.
Each situation, each person, each time with the same person is different, and that makes it that there is no right answer that fits all. It's just trial and errors with strikes of luck.

Rida,

It sounds like you and he have the possibility of better things happening for both of you. I hope things do start going in a better direction for you both. *HUGS*

Thank you.

I've received a message and feel cautiously optimistic.

But the truth is that the hard part is when he gets back here.
A place that reminds him of his failure.
A place where alcohol is never more than a couple minutes walk away.
And at a time of the year that always brings his winter depression on ...

I don't think I can stand another winter like the last.
Nor another spring. Nor another summer.

So I have to hope it will get better ...