Men, money, and relationships

[Candy Sweet]

I had not been attracted by rich lady's money, which I didn't know she had, but by her face, figure and "the usual things."

I was apparently branded a "gold digger" (if that is a proper term as applied to a male) and it was the last I was ever to see of her.

Out of curiosity-- why is it ok to be attracted to a woman's face and figure but not her money?

 

[SeaCat]

Sensible people brighten my day every time. It's our money, the man says. Exactly. Let 'em think what they think. Fuck 'em. A couple are in it together, hell or high water, or they aren't a couple. If the boys in the blue collar job (and I had those boys to work with for twenty years as a firefighter) give the man shit about it, all he has to do is not get ruffled. If you clearly don't care about the issue, and they can't get a rise out of you about it, they'll find something else to talk about before long. Easiest thing in the world to deal with.

All that "What will they all think?" jive is baloney. Life is a one-shot; if you're doing well enough to suit you, what the hell difference what anyone thinks?

My attitude exactly.

Cat

 

[Huckleman2000]

I moved 4 times in 8 years to support my ex-wife's career, and it was 6 years before I made as much as I did to start with. I gave up completing college, and a very satisfying and moderately successful acting career. I stayed in jobs with regular hours and no travel so that I could drop off and pick up our son from daycare and school. My ex is VERY successful in her career.

And, seven years after we split, I'm still arguing with her about a settlement on the house, because she feels it's hers because she paid the mortgage. What she's paid me so far is what she "gave" me to buy my house, since our house was always hers (in her mind).

Yes, I've been through therapy and am taking anti-depressants.

To my mind, and probably many others in the situation, it's not the men who have the issue with women making more than they do. It's actually quite common, statistically - articles in a Google search state that about a third of working women earn more than their husbands.

Given that the prevailing views about evolutionary sex suggest that women are genetically programmed to seek successful mates, I see this as much more a women's issue than a men's issue.

Specifically, how to maintain a balanced power dynamic in a relationship with a man that doesn't earn as much as she does. It's far easier for a successful woman to decide her husband is a freeloader than it is for him to decide she is a callous bitch. She's got centuries of custom and legal decisions on her side!

We're genetically programmed, to a great extent, for men to take the lead in many social interactions; when that doesn't occur because the woman earns more, it's not just the man's problem - it's both of their problem! And, given society's general expectations, I would say that it's incumbent on the woman in this situation to show some extra effort - she's got the money advantage, and he is at a disadvantage not just in the power balance of the relationship, but in society's eye as well.

Just a perspective from one who's been there.

 

[Joe Wordsworth]

I would be bothered.

 

[kendo1]

My wife earns more than me,in fact, everyone earns more than me!
But, I love my job.
We don't have any money worries because we don't have any money.
Maybe it's an american thang.

 

[oggbashan]

I don't think that we in the UK have the same concerns about who earns what as US citizens. How much someone earns isn't something that we would generally know about friends or acquaintances.

When I was first met my wife she and I were on salaries that had annual increments paid from our birthdays. I was a Civil Servant; she was a teacher. From December to April she was paid more than me. From May to December I was paid more than her. Six months after we were married I was promoted. From then on until I was medically retired I earned more than her. When I was retired she earned more than my pension. I got another job. With that and my pension I was earning more than her. Then I was made redundant...

Throughout our married life our incomes have varied. It hasn't bothered either of us except when both our incomes added together came short of our necessary expenditures. For richer for poorer applies to both of us.

Two of my daughters are married. One earns more than her husband. One earns less. Both know that the positions could be reversed as their careers develop. So what? Their parents have lived with it. So can they.

Og

 

[sweetnpetite]

I don't think that we in the UK have the same concerns about who earns what as US citizens. How much someone earns isn't something that we would generally know about friends or acquaintances.

When I was first met my wife she and I were on salaries that had annual increments paid from our birthdays. I was a Civil Servant; she was a teacher. From December to April she was paid more than me. From May to December I was paid more than her. Six months after we were married I was promoted. From then on until I was medically retired I earned more than her. When I was retired she earned more than my pension. I got another job. With that and my pension I was earning more than her. Then I was made redundant...

Throughout our married life our incomes have varied. It hasn't bothered either of us except when both our incomes added together came short of our necessary expenditures. For richer for poorer applies to both of us.

Two of my daughters are married. One earns more than her husband. One earns less. Both know that the positions could be reversed as their careers develop. So what? Their parents have lived with it. So can they.

Og

It's too bad ogg is already married, because I just love him soooooooooooooo much!!!!!

 

[Lucifer_Carroll]

Latecomer, but I've always maintained the same attitude for most of the superficial bullshit that clouds most relationships.

Money: If I don't much care about how much I make, then what would ever give me the right to bitch about how much she did. Besides, it's pointless. Money representing status is stupid. Is someone a decent person if they have a platinum credit card? Will they not cheat on you if they have a fat bank account? The important things are unrelated to money. Money only lets you buy pretty things that you end up living in fear of ruining like in American Beauty.

Appearance: What do I care? About anyone's appearance. If I'm waltzing around in no-pants splendor, what right do I have to critique someone else. Besides, appearance has no bearing on personality, sincerity of love, and all that. Besides, most societally approved "beautiful people" look frigging ugly. Ladies, stop dieting, scrape off the makeup, you are beautiful as is and don't let anyone tell you differently.

Etc...

All that really matters is the personality and that's all that should matter. Also, the aura (the qualities of a person that make them uniquely that person and are relatively unaffected by time) and of course their love, but beyond that, pff, superficial bullshit. Fuck it. Has no relevence here.

And no, I have never gotten over the irony that this outlook on the whole dating scene is actually in the extreme minority.

 

[Belegon]

Luc, we agree on so very much...

but I actually disagree with you on the looks thing. She does not have to necessarily meet a set of standards set by society at large, but if I am not attracted to the way she looks, it is most likely I will never talk to her long enough to let her personality override my lack of interest.

the money? fuck the money. I could give a shit. I would never be turned off or turned on because she makes a different income than I do. Nor do I have any reason to believe it would affect me long term.

Hell, I got enough problems deciding how I feel without throwing another damn variable in there.