Men Keeping Bisexuality Secret are Depressed?

[BuckyDuckman]

Interesting article was recently published by a variety of news sources. Here's one link to it: http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/news/fullstory_132796.html

Basic premise of the article?

Bisexual men have higher rates of mental health problems than gay men do, and new research suggests that this burden might stem from their desire to keep their sexual relationships with men secret.​

 

[psychedelicmoth]

*******

 

[Stella_Omega]

Self-directed homophobia? Yeah, that would do it.

 

[Latenight_Pondering]

.....

 

[BuckyDuckman]

Self-directed homophobia? Yeah, that would do it.

Crazy as it sounds, Stella, I've seen it in others. Absolutely crazy. I tend to shy away from that kind of bi-guy (older, wiser now) - but I've been there and done that. So weird to hear the same guy who sucked your dick last night gay bashing the very next day.

I'm one of those folks, its not kept quiet because of any homophobic tendencies that I have (imagine the therapy bills though!).

I have no idea what my health is compared to other people, but the reason its kept quiet is because of the stigma attached for one, and none of our friends really needs to know anyway.

Dude, I'm with you. I'm out to my wife and select friends and no others. I wasn't always out to my wife. I think it's possible to be "in the closet" to the world at-large and still be healthy and well balanced. I don't believe we have an obligation to share our every preference with the entire world. I'm not sure Stella shares that view or if she'll choose to reply. I'm not a fan of guacamole, but I don't think the world is "out to get me" because of it.

 

[rbone04]

Story of my life... And really a no-brainer in hindsight.

Sure, it ruffled some feathers when I finally made a decision to disclose my history with men to girls I dated. I lost (what I thought) was a good one when I gave her the news, but my next 2 relationships were the best I could have imagined when they accepted and even embraced my sexuality. Not only were they, themselves, the most emotionally stable relationships I've ever been in -- I was the most mentally stable I've been in years. Oh, and yeah, it brought our sex life to a level I never dreamed of.

Unfortunately the demands of my old job put me in a situation where I could no longer continue seeing them. Now I am dating someone who I have disclosed the "major highlights" of my past (as in, my sexual history and the fact that it wasn't just sexual, but I actually tried dating a man for a while)... BUT I'm still a bit timid with my strong-held desires to be with men sexually and it's quite straining on the relationship. However, I have an amazing Lit friend and a few others I can discuss it openly with and it helps tremendously. I'm also slowly warming her up to the fact that there are still some "things left to be done" in the bedroom. Eventually, I know it will make or break us though.

 

[BuckyDuckman]

Story of my life... And really a no-brainer in hindsight.

... However, I have an amazing Lit friend and a few others I can discuss it openly with and it helps tremendously. I'm also slowly warming her up to the fact that there are still some "things left to be done" in the bedroom. Eventually, I know it will make or break us though.

Years ago, I started to get serious with a woman with a secret she confessed to me in tears, she went both ways, she couldn't imagine living life without ever knowing the touch of another woman ever again, and while she had no interesting in sharing her men with her women or her women with her men - she knew she could never be a complete person without the freedom to explore and experience both sides of her sexuality.

I respected her when she made the confession. I accepted her "confession." She didn't know I was bi, too, and I don't remember revealing it to her at that time. Most importantly, I understood what she was telling me: this isn't about you. This isn't something that will ever include you. That was the difficult part of her confession.

I would suggest that's the hard part about coming to your mate: including or not including them in the breadth of your sexual identity and respecting the limits of their sexual identity. Good luck!

 

[Cookie123]

Story of my life... And really a no-brainer in hindsight.

However, I have an amazing Lit friend and a few others I can discuss it openly with and it helps tremendously.

 

[C2W]

---

so that explains why sometimes when I'm just walking down the sidewalk I get the urge to rip out someones throat with my teeth...
(and here all this time I thought I was just crazy)

 

[Stella_Omega]

Crazy as it sounds, Stella, I've seen it in others. Absolutely crazy. I tend to shy away from that kind of bi-guy (older, wiser now) - but I've been there and done that. So weird to hear the same guy who sucked your dick last night gay bashing the very next day.

it's sad and kind of nuaseating, isn't it?

Dude, I'm with you. I'm out to my wife and select friends and no others. I wasn't always out to my wife. I think it's possible to be "in the closet" to the world at-large and still be healthy and well balanced. I don't believe we have an obligation to share our every preference with the entire world. I'm not sure Stella shares that view or if she'll choose to reply. I'm not a fan of guacamole, but I don't think the world is "out to get me" because of it.

Oh, I totally agree-- if you're bisexual in bed and hetero in public, there's no reason to share that information with anyone who doesn't share your bed with you. Personally, I would love to see a return to the concept of "private lives" to a certain extent but you know, by choice, like if our private life got out there it wouldn't ruin our lives.

 

[klippert]

typical .gov Grant money flushed.... With plenty of 'could's, Should's and the famous [P]iled [h]igh and [d]eep speak... "study suggest" meaning "we really don't know", "but we got this grant...so we need to say something."

The over looked quotes:

"The participants who reported concealing their gay relationship, fearing others would find out and being embarrassed about it were more likely to be married or live with their female partner, less likely to have a regular male partner or frequent male sex, and more likely to have a household income of at least $30,000 and a full-time job."
(I thought this was about Bi-sexual, NOT gay relationships, which is it)

"These men could have a stronger desire to conceal because they have more to lose", Schrimshaw noted.

Although concealing exacted a mental toll on these men, the study did not find mental health benefits among the men who had told someone about their bisexual behavior
(isn't this shooting holes in your theory doc..)

"Bisexual groups have not been studied as much, and that is a major strength of this paper." Brian Mustanski, director of the IMPACT LGBT
(maybe an agenda,future tax payer funds)

"The study did not compare the mental health of men who experienced positive and negative reactions to sharing their sexuality."
(...and you can explain this...Doc.)

"The study suggests that concealment is linked to mental health problems only in men who have homophobic feelings and who lack good social support."
(this 'suggest'...there questions 'could' be skewed)

As with every medical study....it's a revolving door.... now people that enjoy sex with men and woman or woman and men are to be studied... I smell another waste of tax payer funds...

What were the questions, how many questions, whom handled the results, what (if any) is a comparative study to get these percentage.
200 men in new York...how many men are in New York...

"Previous research has found that about 37 percent of men in the United States who have sex with both men and women experience clinical depression at some point in their lives..."

Doesn't this 'Suggest', these men, Whom experienced clinical depression..."Could" be more likely to suffer some kind of "depression and anxiety and lack positive feelings"
"Suggesting"....They "Could" be more susceptible to there 'Suggested" mental problems...

This also Suggest where we are at as a nation... no longer a citizen, your a group and should be studied...by some dude that has been in college for 20+ years... because he has a title and his small group thinks he's smart...backed up by another dude with an agends

 

[BuckyDuckman]

typical .gov Grant money flushed.... With plenty of 'could's, Should's and the famous [P]iled [h]igh and [d]eep speak... "study suggest" meaning "we really don't know", "but we got this grant...so we need to say something."

The over looked quotes:

"The participants who reported concealing their gay relationship, fearing others would find out and being embarrassed about it were more likely to be married or live with their female partner, less likely to have a regular male partner or frequent male sex, and more likely to have a household income of at least $30,000 and a full-time job."
(I thought this was about Bi-sexual, NOT gay relationships, which is it)

"These men could have a stronger desire to conceal because they have more to lose", Schrimshaw noted.

Although concealing exacted a mental toll on these men, the study did not find mental health benefits among the men who had told someone about their bisexual behavior
(isn't this shooting holes in your theory doc..)

"Bisexual groups have not been studied as much, and that is a major strength of this paper." Brian Mustanski, director of the IMPACT LGBT
(maybe an agenda,future tax payer funds)

"The study did not compare the mental health of men who experienced positive and negative reactions to sharing their sexuality."
(...and you can explain this...Doc.)

"The study suggests that concealment is linked to mental health problems only in men who have homophobic feelings and who lack good social support."
(this 'suggest'...there questions 'could' be skewed)

As with every medical study....it's a revolving door.... now people that enjoy sex with men and woman or woman and men are to be studied... I smell another waste of tax payer funds...

What were the questions, how many questions, whom handled the results, what (if any) is a comparative study to get these percentage.
200 men in new York...how many men are in New York...

"Previous research has found that about 37 percent of men in the United States who have sex with both men and women experience clinical depression at some point in their lives..."

Doesn't this 'Suggest', these men, Whom experienced clinical depression..."Could" be more likely to suffer some kind of "depression and anxiety and lack positive feelings"
"Suggesting"....They "Could" be more susceptible to there 'Suggested" mental problems...

This also Suggest where we are at as a nation... no longer a citizen, your a group and should be studied...by some dude that has been in college for 20+ years... because he has a title and his small group thinks he's smart...backed up by another dude with an agends

Hm, a small study of a little understood group attracts attention, generates conversation and invites deeper consideration by revealing a potentially interesting result is a waste of government funds and an example of egghead asshattery because it doesn't draw any conclusions... okay, duly noted.

Let me see if I can sum up your philosophy: Folks is folks. Some folks are fucked up, some ain't and some wouldn't know they were fucked up if no one ever told them. Folks just need to get over themselves.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Hm, a small study of a little understood group attracts attention, generates conversation and invites deeper consideration by revealing a potentially interesting result is a waste of government funds and an example of egghead asshattery because it doesn't draw any conclusions... okay, duly noted.

Let me see if I can sum up your philosophy: Folks is folks. Some folks are fucked up, some ain't and some wouldn't know they were fucked up if no one ever told them. Folks just need to get over themselves.

Oh yeah the ever diabolical waste of government funnnndssssss... unnds... unds... undss....

Klippert and others-- LOTS of research and investigation ends up not drawing conclusions. It's still a valuable thing to do. You've heard about how "if you don't succeed, try try again?" And how Thomas Edison made like a thousand lightbulbs before he made one that worked?

That's what's happening here.

In science, the next part of it is "If you don't succeed, let your peers know, so you and they can turn to the next avenue of enquirey."

 

[Dyslexicea]

Dude, I'm with you. I'm out to my wife and select friends and no others. I wasn't always out to my wife. I think it's possible to be "in the closet" to the world at-large and still be healthy and well balanced. I don't believe we have an obligation to share our every preference with the entire world. I'm not sure Stella shares that view or if she'll choose to reply. I'm not a fan of guacamole, but I don't think the world is "out to get me" because of it.

I could not disagree more. Why is that you think just some of us need to fight for our rights, for acceptance of our sexuality, you may not be gay but you are just a queer as we are. You get benefits because we protest, we fight and we get right in a haters face. It is hard to come out, it's hard to stand up but you have an obligation to yourself, maybe even more so to your children to stand up, to become part of the solution. Sitting there hiding in the closet isn't going to change anything.

Oh, I totally agree-- if you're bisexual in bed and hetero in public, there's no reason to share that information with anyone who doesn't share your bed with you. Personally, I would love to see a return to the concept of "private lives" to a certain extent but you know, by choice, like if our private life got out there it wouldn't ruin our lives.

I surely don't agree with the first part of your statement Stella but I to want a world where it doesn't matter who we love, or what we do in our private lives. A world where we don't have Lesbian communities, Gay communities, Black communities, Latino communities. A world where we're all equal a world that people don't hate just because someone is different. We don't have that world, I don't think I'll live to see that world. I hope my daughters do.

How can we get there if so many people think they can just sit on the side lines and watch?

 

[BuckyDuckman]

I could not disagree more. Why is that you think just some of us need to fight for our rights, for acceptance of our sexuality, you may not be gay but you are just a queer as we are. You get benefits because we protest, we fight and we get right in a haters face. It is hard to come out, it's hard to stand up but you have an obligation to yourself, maybe even more so to your children to stand up, to become part of the solution. Sitting there hiding in the closet isn't going to change anything.

Congratulations on the giving the answer I half expected to see from Stella (out of respect for her was why I made it a point to distance her from my opinion).

I'm guessing you believe it's okay to "out" someone, regardless of the damage it could do to their personal life, all for the greater good of the movement, right?

With every moment of any kind, there have been people who were the face of the protest and others who worked below the radar to facilitate change. Personally, I resent your implication that because I'm not out to every Tom, Dick and Harry in the world that I am, at best, worthless to the movement for acceptance of anyone within the GLBT community and, at worst, part of the problem. Based on the assumption that you think I'm disrespecting the rest of the GLBT community by not being in people's faces about my sexual choices, please enjoy the next few paragraphs of me poking my finger back in your face with ways I genuinely help the GLBT community that will make you cringe. Hell, my first example of passive support should do a good job at pissing you off:

This in-the-closet to most bi-guy happens to love watching Glee with his straight wife and so-far, straight children. Yeah, doesn't seem like much, does it? Except I subscribe to DirecTV, so everything I watch is counted and cataloged by the statisticians at DirecTV, relayed to the network and results in two things: higher advertising rates for the show and continued purchasing of episodes for what is arguably the most pro-GLBT show on television. No, it's not the same as carrying a protest sign, but it sure helps keep that show in the face of others. But I know, that's such a passive thing to do, so bad in-the-closet bi-guy!

Here's some in-your-face ways that surely don't matter on your gauge of political correctness -

I don't allow gay-bashing in my home any more than I allow racist comments, because the PSA's taught us "No one is born a bigot." Again, oh-so-passive: Bad in-the-closet bi-guy!

I gave money to and voted for Barack Obama, in part, because I knew he would do less to hurt the needs of the GLBT community than his opponent and I actively campaigned for him across the country, helping to "get out the vote" in Wisconsin, PA, and FL, three states he won. And I never once revealed to those people I encouraging to go vote that they should do it because Obama is most likely to do something that will help the GLBT community. Gosh, now that I think about, I never mentioned that element of why they should vote the couple who I know are invested in the GLBT community. Bad in-the-closet bi-guy!

I didn't participate in the Kiss-in at Chick-fil-a. In part, because I really don't enjoy kissing other men. Suck their dicks? Damn, I love doing that. Kiss them on the mouth? Nah, I've tried it and didn't like the feel of their scratch beard. Still, while I happen to like their chicken, I've been boycotting them because of their anti-gay rights stance for a long time. I've encouraged others are me to do the same, without revealing my dual sexuality. Oops. Dammit, bad in-the-closet bi-guy!

This in-the-closet to most bi-guy happens to work as a hiring manager for a small, national chain of retail stores. I've hired (and fired, as needed) several vocal members of the GLBT community as managers of stores that I am responsible for. While two of the managers I'm thinking of off the top of my head were exceptional vocal about their lifestyle - I never once felt the need to reveal to them, "By the way, I'm bi." Honestly, I don't think either of them ever guessed that I went both ways and I think that's how it should be. It's a workplace. With whom and which genders I choose to have sex with shouldn't matter. (Which I think was Stella's point, but she can speak for herself.) But I'm thinking, because I choose not to discriminate where others might have, I still qualify as a bad in-the-closet bi-guy in your book.

Meanwhile, I urge you to step down from the soapbox you seem to have attached to your feet, because the extra height has made you dizzy. I, for one, respect the fuck out members of the GLBT community who are vocal and insistent for the equal rights that belong to us all regardless of race, color, creed, gender, gender identification or sexual preference. But I resent anyone, especially a member of a community to which I belong by my choices, to tell me "I'm doing it wrong" because I'm making different choices. Am I not queer enough because I don't enjoy kissing another man on the lips, too?

Oh, and just to finish pissing you off royally, the thing I mentioned earlier about not liking guacamole? I've never even tasted it. I can't get past the look of it. I don't even want to see it on my plate when I order Mexican food. Fuck, I'm shallow.

 

[Dyslexicea]

In the first place BuckyDuckman, I don't think you're a bad person because you are not Out. Nor would I ever Out someone period, that is sorely her/his decision to make.

I do think in a way you're a coward for not coming out but not so much so that if I knew you, real life, and I liked you I wouldn't be your friend.

Do you really think it's easy for me being out? Do you think it didn't damage my personal life? I'll tell you babe, my coming out drove me so far in it's a wonder I'm here at all.

Do you really think my being out hasn't hurt my career, hell I had to move from Miami to New York to start at a decent law firm. I'm a woman strike number one, I'm a lesbian, strike two, three and four, I'm dyslexic strike five and six. So what, I didn't give up, because of all that, not despite it, I'm good at what I do, you really don't want to meet me in court because I'll eat you alive. It's hard being out but I'm happy, I'd hate my life if I was in the closet.

I am appreciative of what you are doing, if you just can't come out so be it. But it still doesn't change my mind. Bi people need to come out just like we do.

As far as kissing a man, I surely do understand, I'd rather kiss my sister.

 

[drummer34]

Well, i can only speak for myself. I'm Bisexual, my wife doesn't know and if i have anything to say, she never will know and no, -i'm not depressed. Actually i enjoy my sex life.

-and no, i would never kiss a man. Sex is sex, love is quite another thing.

 

[BuckyDuckman]

Thanks for your reply, Dyslexicea. I'll step down from my soapbox, too.

I truly respect my friends and neighbors who choose to be out. You're right about it being important to let the world know "Hey, I happen to be one of those people." (Whatever the those happens to be.) But, as you clearly know, it can come at a cost that some may find too much to bear. It doesn't make your brother and sisters less appreciative of your choice. Hell, it makes me even more appreciative.

Every moment we've had as a country, from the continuing battle for civil rights for our rainbow colored brothers and sisters to rights for those of us with sexual preferences beyond heterosexuality has required the support of people who didn't share our race, creed, gender or sexual identity.

I'm fine with someone telling me, "You should do more." I have. I do. I don't mind the nudge, but I've felt the backlash from the GLBT community because I'm apparently not queer enough for some.

How out you chose to be is exactly that - your choice. I'll keep respecting your choice and thank you for respecting mine.

 

[Bramblethorn]

Cranky Bramble is cranky today...

typical .gov Grant money flushed.... With plenty of 'could's, Should's and the famous [P]iled [h]igh and [d]eep speak... "study suggest" meaning "we really don't know", "but we got this grant...so we need to say something."

What that language usually means is "it looks like this is happening, but maybe there's another explanation we haven't thought of". Responsible scientists don't assert certainty unless they're absolutely sure, and it's hard to achieve that kind of certainty in social sciences.

I've worked with scientists who erred in the other direction - leaping to "certainty" too soon - and it's not a good thing.

"The participants who reported concealing their gay relationship, ..."
(I thought this was about Bi-sexual, NOT gay relationships, which is it)

Yeah, that's sloppy. But since it's not presented as a quote, it's not clear whether that was the language used in the study itself, or whether it's sloppiness on the part of HealthDay reporting on the study. Note that elsewhere the coverage refers to "same-sex relationships", which is better.

Although concealing exacted a mental toll on these men, the study did not find mental health benefits among the men who had told someone about their bisexual behavior
(isn't this shooting holes in your theory doc..)

The article isn't really clear, but I think that's about men who've told somebody but are still mostly-closeted - so they'd still have that stress of concealment.

"Bisexual groups have not been studied as much, and that is a major strength of this paper." Brian Mustanski, director of the IMPACT LGBT
(maybe an agenda,future tax payer funds)

Of course they've got an agenda. Nobody goes into mental health research unless they're interested in mental health causes; it's not a glamorous or lucrative career.

As with every medical study....it's a revolving door.... now people that enjoy sex with men and woman or woman and men are to be studied... I smell another waste of tax payer funds...

If it's money you're concerned about... mental-health issues cost the USA hundreds of billions of dollars a year, both for treatment and for indirect costs (absenteeism etc).

If somebody wants to spend a hundred thousand dollars or so on research that can improve knowledge of those issues and how to prevent/treat them, that seems like a good investment to me. (That's about one-ten-thousandth of what a B-2 costs, not counting the maintenance and crew.)

Bisexual people pay taxes too; it seems reasonable that some of that money should be spent on things that benefit them.

What were the questions, how many questions, whom handled the results, what (if any) is a comparative study to get these percentage.

"The study was published Jan. 2 in the Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology." Maybe you could find answers to your questions there?

 

[BuckyDuckman]

Well, i can only speak for myself. I'm Bisexual, my wife doesn't know and if i have anything to say, she never will know and no, -i'm not depressed. Actually i enjoy my sex life.

-and no, i would never kiss a man. Sex is sex, love is quite another thing.

I'm sure you already know this ... but you are far from alone in your approach to your sexuality! Congrats on being able to accept yourself on your terms. That's just my opinion, but I'm still thinking it's an important key to being healthy.

 

[Bramblethorn]

Crazy as it sounds, Stella, I've seen it in others. Absolutely crazy. I tend to shy away from that kind of bi-guy (older, wiser now) - but I've been there and done that. So weird to hear the same guy who sucked your dick last night gay bashing the very next day.

I used to be friends with a guy who went into conservative politics around the same time he came out as gay. (Not as much of a career-killer as it would be in the USA, but still not easy.)

He's out, in a long-term relationship with a guy, and yet he STILL has a whiff of that internalised homophobia. I've seen him writing columns about how he couldn't imagine growing up without his mum so he doesn't support same-sex marriage, and his distaste for flamboyant homosexuals, and so on. I get the sense that having come out, he feels he has to work extra-hard to reassure them that he's not a threat. It's like a gay version of the 'Uncle Tom' thing.

 

[Stella_Omega]

I used to be friends with a guy who went into conservative politics around the same time he came out as gay. (Not as much of a career-killer as it would be in the USA, but still not easy.)

He's out, in a long-term relationship with a guy, and yet he STILL has a whiff of that internalised homophobia. I've seen him writing columns about how he couldn't imagine growing up without his mum so he doesn't support same-sex marriage, and his distaste for flamboyant homosexuals, and so on. I get the sense that having come out, he feels he has to work extra-hard to reassure them that he's not a threat. It's like a gay version of the 'Uncle Tom' thing.

There's a frequent poster on the Author's hangout who occasionally screams at me for being too flamboyant and how I might drive some straight people away from supporting civil rights.

This despite the fact that he behaves like a most stereotypical old queen half the time. Like-- I don't know any gay men who are as prissy as some bi men are, not since the seventies.

 

[joelafayette]

.....

 

[Missouribiguy]

I told some of my friends that I am bi, and whenever I get a girlfriend, and the relationship gets pretty intense, in a emotional way, then I will tell her. But, I choose not to be open about my bisexuality, because it's none of their business.

And, I'm not a big fan of Glee. Probably because I am into mostly metal.

 

[NekoParks]

There's a frequent poster on the Author's hangout who occasionally screams at me for being too flamboyant and how I might drive some straight people away from supporting civil rights.

This despite the fact that he behaves like a most stereotypical old queen half the time. Like-- I don't know any gay men who are as prissy as some bi men are, not since the seventies.

Hey Stella, you keep posting your opinions and beliefs. Your comments (not just on sexuality, but politics and writing) are amusing and spot on correct. As a straight woman, you have never intimidated me or compelled me to want to log off of Literotica. I admire all of the GLBT people that have come out and made their sexuality public. It takes tremendous courage to live your life with truth and integrity.

As for the bisexual people on this forum, you should be honest and tell your spouse about your sexuality and give her or him the option to stay with you or not. Your spouse deserves to live in the real world and not in a dreamlike existence. You don’t have to come out to the world, but you do owe your spouse the truth. Remember that you can choose your actions, but you cannot always choose the consequences of those actions.