Men- explain yourselves

[sophia jane]

I have a personal thread up here at lit, though I haven't posted on it in a few months. I still occasionally get pm's though, that I can only guess are cuz of that thread.
Which leads me to my question:
why do I keep getting contacted by married men? Why do all these men tell me they love their wives but just want "a little more"? Why do all these men expect me to jump at the chance to fuck someone who's married????

which leads me to other questions:
Why do people cheat? Why don't they just leave if they're so unhappy in their relationship? Isn't it hard to lie? To sneak away? How does one live with oneself?

Discuss.

 

[sophia jane]

Before anyone thinks I'm being judgmental, I have to say, I'm not.
I've been the other woman, had an affair with a married man. But that doesn't help me understand it.

 

[elsol]

I have a personal thread up here at lit, though I haven't posted on it in a few months. I still occasionally get pm's though, that I can only guess are cuz of that thread.
Which leads me to my question:
why do I keep getting contacted by married men? Why do all these men tell me they love their wives but just want "a little more"? Why do all these men expect me to jump at the chance to fuck someone who's married????

which leads me to other questions:
Why do people cheat? Why don't they just leave if they're so unhappy in their relationship? Isn't it hard to lie? To sneak away? How does one live with oneself?

Discuss.

How does one live with oneself?

An utter lack of guilt.

Isn't it hard to lie?

No... it's actually much easier to tell a good lie than make the truth credible.

Why don't they just leave if they're so unhappy in their relationship?

Two pieces of nookie is better than one.

Why do people cheat?

'Cause both girls would fuck me.

----

I'm not married so that's as far as I can go.

Sincerely,
ElSol

 

[BlackSnake]

Before anyone thinks I'm being judgmental, I have to say, I'm not.
I've been the other woman, had an affair with a married man. But that doesn't help me understand it.

When you are with a guy, its you and him. His girl or your man are not there with you. No one else matters for the little time that you have together. You don't think about you limited time. You think about him and he is only thinking about you. All of his mind body and soul are with you. You are the center of his Universe.

You will always get this answer to the question:
"What about your wife?"
"What about her?"

Its not an evil plot. It's about how he feels about you at the moment. The only thing that matters is what's being felt in the heat of the moment.

This is the real answer. Everything esle is Monday morning Quarterbacking.

 

[Pure]

people 'cheat' on spouses, in general, to obtain a 'supplement' (an additional benefit)

generally sex in the case of most men,

love in the case of most women.

---so it's quite obvious why many or most cheaters do not leave.

Stuff being received X + supplement S > supplement S alone.

----
If you've ever watched Judge Judy, or been to trials, you see that conscience is in rather short supply, as compared to rationalization, blaming the other, etc.

 

[carsonshepherd]

It's novelty. That feeling of being seventeen again. That rush of newness and excitement you don't get in your stable long-term relationship anymore.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

I have a personal thread up here at lit, though I haven't posted on it in a few months. I still occasionally get pm's though, that I can only guess are cuz of that thread.
Which leads me to my question:
why do I keep getting contacted by married men? Why do all these men tell me they love their wives but just want "a little more"? Why do all these men expect me to jump at the chance to fuck someone who's married????

which leads me to other questions:
Why do people cheat? Why don't they just leave if they're so unhappy in their relationship? Isn't it hard to lie? To sneak away? How does one live with oneself?

Discuss.

Sorry, I can't answer that question...I have contacted you, but only in regards to writing...

And to your other questions,

1. I dont know. 2. Again, no idea. 3 For me personally, yes it is hard to lie. 4. I suppose since I cant lie, it would be hard to sneak away. 5. No idea...

 

[cfnmtom]

I have a personal thread up here at lit, though I haven't posted on it in a few months. I still occasionally get pm's though, that I can only guess are cuz of that thread.
Which leads me to my question:
why do I keep getting contacted by married men? Why do all these men tell me they love their wives but just want "a little more"? Why do all these men expect me to jump at the chance to fuck someone who's married????

which leads me to other questions:
Why do people cheat? Why don't they just leave if they're so unhappy in their relationship? Isn't it hard to lie? To sneak away? How does one live with oneself?

Discuss.

You call this thread "Men - explain yourselves." Let me point out for the record that I get PM's from married women quite often.

My explanation: It's natural to want more and more fantasies and encounters with the opposite sex. It doesn't mean you want to give up your wife or husband.

 

[mismused]

delete

 

[BlackShanglan]

I'm not surprised that they cheat, but I'm rather baffled at their decision to announce it. One would think it would be simpler not to.

 

[elsol]

I'm not surprised that they cheat, but I'm rather baffled at their decision to announce it. One would think it would be simpler not to.

She writes porn... therefore she is a woman of loose morals.

Maybe they think the fact they're married will be a turn on for her.

Sincerely,
ElSol

 

[Norajane]

She writes porn... therefore she is a woman of loose morals.

Maybe they think the fact they're married will be a turn on for her.

Sincerely,
ElSol

Maybe my morals aren't loose enough, but I'm not following the logic - how would that be a turn on for her?

 

[Boxlicker101]

I have a personal thread up here at lit, though I haven't posted on it in a few months. I still occasionally get pm's though, that I can only guess are cuz of that thread.
Which leads me to my question:
why do I keep getting contacted by married men? Why do all these men tell me they love their wives but just want "a little more"? Why do all these men expect me to jump at the chance to fuck someone who's married????

which leads me to other questions:
Why do people cheat? Why don't they just leave if they're so unhappy in their relationship? Isn't it hard to lie? To sneak away? How does one live with oneself?

Discuss.

Personally, I'm too old to cheat, even if I didn't love my wife, which I do.

Now and then I get an email from a woman who has read one of my stories about eating pussy and says she wants to do the same with me. She doesn't ask where I live and she doesn't tell me where she lives. I usually answer and tell her how much I would love to do what she suggests. In other words, it is just flirting. Neither of us is serious because we both have no intention of doing what we are writing about.

I wonder if some of these guys you mention aren't just talking a good game but would never go through with it, even if you encouraged. Please don't take that as a suggestion that you actually do encourage them, by the way.

I think men who cheat on an SO are just looking for variety. That is a biological and Darwinian urge, you know, to plant their seed in as many women as they can. They would probably avoid actually planting it, of course. It has nothing to do with any relationship they might be in. Lying isn't all that hard and most people can arrange to get some time away. I believe that most men who cheat and don't get caught actually feel good about themselves. As long as nobody finds out about it, nobody has been hurt.

 

[rgraham666]

which leads me to other questions:
Why do people cheat? Why don't they just leave if they're so unhappy in their relationship? Isn't it hard to lie? To sneak away? How does one live with oneself?

Discuss.

Why do people cheat? People cheat because they don't know when they're well off. In my mind, the acquisitiveness of our culture often extends to emotional and sexual relationships. Many of us think that the more we have, the better a person we are.

Why don't they just leave if they're so unhappy in their relationship? Because to leave is a sign of failure, and our society doesn't look kindly on failures.

Isn't it hard to lie? To sneak away? For many people, no. In order to get what they want, or to avoid looking like failures, people lie and sneak. People don't like taking responsibility for their actions, especially unethical ones.

How does one live with oneself? By lying to oneself. The person isn't cheating, they're 'getting a little on the side', 'looking for the fire that isn't in their relationship any more', yadda, yadda, yadda.

And SJ? I don't believe this behaviour is peculiar to men.

 

[kendo1]

Are we not allowed to flirt?

Personally, I could not cheat on my wife.
I'm not made that way. Family life means too much to me.

So many of my kid's friends parents have split up over the last few years. It seems to be the accepted course of action. Not always, but mainly, caused by the husband having an affair. Or money.

People do change, and their feelings towards their partners.


My feelings about my wife have not changed in the 27 years we have been together. She also doesn't mind me flirting!

Maybe that's the answer.


Hi SJ! You're looking gorgeous as ever.

Ken

 

[123pickme3]

I have a personal thread up here at lit, though I haven't posted on it in a few months. I still occasionally get pm's though, that I can only guess are cuz of that thread.
Which leads me to my question:
why do I keep getting contacted by married men? Why do all these men tell me they love their wives but just want "a little more"? Why do all these men expect me to jump at the chance to fuck someone who's married????

which leads me to other questions:
Why do people cheat? Why don't they just leave if they're so unhappy in their relationship? Isn't it hard to lie? To sneak away? How does one live with oneself?

Discuss.

Maybe these men are just lonely and want a beautiful woman to talk to maybe they love their wifes or maybe just been in the relactionship for so long and there is nothing there and yet they stay that is all they know. And then it could be if you look at yourself in the mirrow your hot and men think with thee cocks. You should be flattered men want you not mad

 

[NoJo]

I have a personal thread up here at lit, though I haven't posted on it in a few months. I still occasionally get pm's though, that I can only guess are cuz of that thread.
Which leads me to my question:
why do I keep getting contacted by married men? Why do all these men tell me they love their wives but just want "a little more"? Why do all these men expect me to jump at the chance to fuck someone who's married????

which leads me to other questions:
Why do people cheat? Why don't they just leave if they're so unhappy in their relationship? Isn't it hard to lie? To sneak away? How does one live with oneself?

Discuss.

I think Rob's point about acquisitiveness of our culture rings true.

In my case, I told my wife about my cheating shortly after it happened. It was partly to punish her, but mainly because I really felt like having sex with another woman after 20 years with the same (gorgeous) woman. I'd found out my wife had cheated on me at various times, for various reasons. I was very angry at her dishonesty. So I made sure that I "cheated" honestly, by letting her know, both as a reprimand, and as revenge.

My cheating was really just sexual gratification. But since then I've met someone online that I have stronger feelings for, and now things are more difficult: There's a necessary period when you meet someone where you find out whether a relationship would work. And it's hard to do this finding out while you're still in a long-term relationship with someone else.

So you either have to take a big risk, and jump blindly into a possibly doomed new relationship, causing damage all round (it's not my own suffering that concerns me, most of the time), or, you proceed with caution. So Sophia, these married men are just proceeding with caution. I think you should consider those married men as careful and mature, rather than cowardly and duplicitous.

Of course, it's much easier if the existing marriage is clearly doomed. But things are never "clearly" anything, least of all, marriages.

I have spent years living apart from my wife, and during that time, she learned about what commitment really means. While I learned to be unafraid of being alone.

 

[shereads]

I cheated because the alternative was to live without sex.

He cheated by deciding, for both of us, that sex wasn't something we would discuss. He just didn't feel like it right now. 'Right now' turned into year after year.

I didn't leave right away, because I wanted to postpone the crisis.

Not all wandering spouses do it as a hobby, or take the consequences lightly. Sometimes it's simply to save ourselves. I used to blame myself for failing him. It's taken time and distance to understand that he failed me first.

 

[angela146]

Consider the possibility that he may be lying to you in a different way:

Perhaps his wife knows what's going on and they plan on talking about it behind your back. Some couples have flings with other people but maintain the social facade that they don't know what's going on.

He may not want to deal with the other woman's notions of the nature of marriage. Sometimes it's easier to pretend that the spouse doesn't know rather than tell the truth and potentially face a judgemental attitude about open marriages.

A lot of people understand cheating but don't comprehend the idea of allowing one's spouse to have sex with other people. When he goes home at the end of the night, he just might be sharing the sordid details with his wife as he gives her an even better lay than he gave his other woman.

 

[impressive]

From a biological standpoint, when you strip the issue down to its most primal aspects, one could argue that it's simply the way we're made. Yes, we're thinking beings with (presumably) free will -- so it's a choice. Continually overriding one's natural instincts takes a lot of sustained energy, though.

From a sociological standpoint, "cheating" is "wrong." *shrug* While I understand the genesis of monogamy as a functional standard, I am one who believes it's long overdue for a major redefinition. Is it really necessary to maintain this cultural standard of "good" in order to achieve the desired outcome? Would society descend into chaos without it? Would the gods smite us all for our randy ways? (Kinda doubt it, but Pat Robertson disagrees.)

Sorry. That's probably broader than you wanted.

I won't start on personal integrity. That, to me, is the ultimate issue.

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

 

[carsonshepherd]

Why do people cheat? People cheat because they don't know when they're well off. In my mind, the acquisitiveness of our culture often extends to emotional and sexual relationships. Many of us think that the more we have, the better a person we are.

Why don't they just leave if they're so unhappy in their relationship? Because to leave is a sign of failure, and our society doesn't look kindly on failures.

Isn't it hard to lie? To sneak away? For many people, no. In order to get what they want, or to avoid looking like failures, people lie and sneak. People don't like taking responsibility for their actions, especially unethical ones.

How does one live with oneself? By lying to oneself. The person isn't cheating, they're 'getting a little on the side', 'looking for the fire that isn't in their relationship any more', yadda, yadda, yadda.

And SJ? I don't believe this behaviour is peculiar to men.

Most of this behavior falls under "Having your cake and eating it too." And we, men and women, like that a lot.

 

[Liar]

I have a personal thread up here at lit, though I haven't posted on it in a few months. I still occasionally get pm's though, that I can only guess are cuz of that thread.
Which leads me to my question:
why do I keep getting contacted by married men? Why do all these men tell me they love their wives but just want "a little more"? Why do all these men expect me to jump at the chance to fuck someone who's married????

You know, I would ever go out of my way to cheat on somebody, it wouldn't be for "a little more". it would have to be for "a LOT more" or it wouldn't be worth it, frankly and morals aside.

Sounds like a bad pickup strategy anyway. "You're a little bit more fun than my wife."

 

[sophia jane]

I'm too lazy to post all the quotes I want to reply to, so....

Yes, I know it's not just men. But this thread was started because I got a pm yesterday from a man who said he was married and wanted a fuck buddy. There's no flirting in that. I've had lots of pm flirting with married men, and I have no problem with that at all (you don't have to stop flirting Kendo ).
There's a difference between flirting and solicitation, and I think I'm old enough to know the difference.

From the affair I was involved in, I think BlackSnake probably said it best. But for me, I was never just in the moment. I was half in the moment and half looking at it from outside, questioning the ethics of it. But that's just the way I'm made; I'm unable to lie and have serious guilt issues.

Liar- *snicker* You're right. But you wouldn't believe the number of times I've heard about wanting a "little more" or a "little" on the side. I think that's guy code for "I want to fuck you but I won't be getting emotionally involved." I won't go there. My affair was more of an emotional one, which is of course more dangerous, but the thing is- the only reason it happened was because of the emotions. I wouldn't fuck a married man just because he's bored with his wife.

And elsol- I hope you're using general logic and not offering you're actual opinion of me. I may write porn, but I do have standards. Which is why it's been more three months since I had sex.

Thanks for the insights everyone.

 

[eric shawn listo]

I'm too lazy to post all the quotes I want to reply to, so....

Yes, I know it's not just men. But this thread was started because I got a pm yesterday from a man who said he was married and wanted a fuck buddy. There's no flirting in that. I've had lots of pm flirting with married men, and I have no problem with that at all (you don't have to stop flirting Kendo ).
There's a difference between flirting and solicitation, and I think I'm old enough to know the difference.

From the affair I was involved in, I think BlackSnake probably said it best. But for me, I was never just in the moment. I was half in the moment and half looking at it from outside, questioning the ethics of it. But that's just the way I'm made; I'm unable to lie and have serious guilt issues.

Liar- *snicker* You're right. But you wouldn't believe the number of times I've heard about wanting a "little more" or a "little" on the side. I think that's guy code for "I want to fuck you but I won't be getting emotionally involved." I won't go there. My affair was more of an emotional one, which is of course more dangerous, but the thing is- the only reason it happened was because of the emotions. I wouldn't fuck a married man just because he's bored with his wife.

And elsol- I hope you're using general logic and not offering you're actual opinion of me. I may write porn, but I do have standards. Which is why it's been more three months since I had sex.

Thanks for the insights everyone.

So...see you on your flirt thread?

 

[BlackSnake]

I just don't think that men who cheat say to themselves...I think I'll cheat on my wife today.

When the situation hit, I don't think that he is thinking...it's cool that I'm thinking about cheating on my wife.

Then why do it?

I believe, truly, he is thinking about him and his feelings....and it's but nothing. That's it. He is not thinking about his wife or his marriage. Its only about his feelings right then and there.

The only other logical reason for thinking about his wife and still doing it, is because of some way of getting back at her.