Member of another race joins the extended family- now what?

[Cheyenne]

Sorry this will be so long. The big news of the day on the family grapevine is that a relative of mine married a black woman. His parents and my parents are very close, and his parents didn't even mention the wedding until now, months later.

For background, the groom has been married twice before to white women, and has kids of his own. He has a history of being unfaithful. The bride has never been married, although she has 3 kids. In my family's view, she fits the horrible stereotype of the "loose black women who are nothing more than baby breeders." Also for background, understand that the groom and I were both raised in households where we were told we'd be disowned if we ever brought "a black one home."

The groom's parents are very disappointed. My parents are shocked. The news is fresh, so I haven't heard other reactions yet but I assume they will be similar.

My first reaction when I heard the wedding news was that I hope the groom finally found a nice woman that he can stay married to this time. He is not an angel himself, although I think he is a good person at heart and he is a good dad. Whether the bride is black or white doesn't matter to me and it is embarassing to admit my family's attitudes.

I will likely see the groom only once or twice a year (although once is for a full week of vacation with the extended family) plus exchange Christmas letters. I know we have at least several mixed marriages on the bb and I want to check my approach with those of you who have experience in this area because the last thing I want to do is offend anyone. I think my approach should be to ignore the fact that the bride is black and treat her like any other new person to the family. Ask her the same questions I would ask about her and her background if she were white to be able to get to know her. Make no mention whatsoever about her color and welcome her and her children with open arms. Or is that naive? I don't want to make a comment that I approve of them getting married because it isn't any of my business in the first place and they certainly don't need my approval. But I also don't want them to think I don't approve because I am silent on the issue- I don't want to be lumped in with some of the rest of my family with the racist attitudes. Although by now I would hope the groom knows me better than that, anyway.

Suggestions, anyone?

 

[Shylady]

Cheyenne are we related? That sounds like my family.
Actually I think you are right just ignore the fact she is black and get to know her like you would anyone else.
Good Luck

 

[Countess DeWinter]

That's a good way to go Cheyenne. My cousin married a beautiful black woman several years ago. She's just another member of our family, though I think her family had more trouble with him than ours did with her
It's my belief that there's more difference between them because they're a man and a woman than because their skin is colored differently.

 

[teresafannin]

I agree with the others, treat her like you would any new member of the family. She might finally be the one that makes him happy & vice versa, nothing else should matter. I wish you all luck, it sounds like it won't be easy for either of them.

 

[Guest]

 

[Silverlily]

I went through this with my husband's family.

Your initial instincts are right, treat her exactly like you would anyone else. A simple hug and "Welcome to the family" should separate you from those you don't want to be lumped with. One thing, if she isn't someone you would normally get along with, don't try to force it. My husband has a cousin who I would never associate with otherwise, yet she insists on proving how "open-minded" she is by befriending the "token white person" (her words, btw).

You may be surprised, she may work through some of the prejudice herself. My husband's great aunt hated me until I introduced her to my oldest daughter, they have the same somewhat uncommon first name.

 

[SeXy ReDHeD]

This is a tough one!

Well Cheyenne,

I don't think you should "ignore" the issue, but I also don't think you should "get to know her" like everyone else because those questions in themselves, though harmless, do tend to seem judgmental.

You should probably just welcome her in as if she's always been there. Show her your acceptance rather than telling her... do you know what I mean? Actions in this case, will speak louder than words. Include her in on the family gossip, let her know who's known for what, that sort of thing. Be a friend.

In that way all your questions will be answered and you'll have made a friend along the way...

Good Luck, Cheyenne!

PS- This is just based on my experiences with interracial relationships! Dwell on the person, not the race!

 

[Dixon Carter Lee]

Ignore, but remember. That's my advice.

When I was 20 I dated a woman with whom I am still close friends. We saw each for a year (my record before getting married). She was wonderful, sexy, bright, talented, all I could want in a woman, and she was black.

I was worried about my father, who was raised in the south and confessed to certain ingrained "attitudes". But he loved her, too. And her parents approved of me. So we were very lucky.

And so "race" was never mentioned by anyone, and I thought it a non-issue.

Then one day, six months into our relationship, the whole topic of race came up in a conversation. She was middle class, raised in a fairly affluent suburban neighborhood in the North East. Her family was very proud its heritage, but also vey assimiliated into the mostly white community. I said to her, "Well you never have any problems."

She shook her head at me and said, "Every day."

Race was never an issue between us (we only broke up because she was off to school for four years and I was starting a career in New York -- we were only 20 and nowhere thinking about marriage), but it was certainly a factor in her life.

So I'd say ignore the fact that she's black, but don't forget it, and respect the issue, if you know what I mean.

 

[Patryn]

My boyfriend and I dealt with the same thing. My aunt and grandmother don't like him because he's of Hispanic descent (he's from S. America). We have decided that, as a few have already said "ignoring" the problem won't make it go away, and since they've decided to descriminate against him because his skin is darker than ours and he speaks with an accent (good reasons, huh?), we will "discriminate" against them for being prejudiced.

He offered them the opportunity to get to know him as a person and not a race...they didn't take it. I think even questions related to her background, so long as they're phrased politely - as people have asked my boyfriend "Where are you from?" thereby focusing more on location than race, and it leads to a conversation about what it's like there - would be a great way to get to know her.

 

[jcgirl]

She's balck, so what. Youve gained another family member. Get to know her like you would any one else. Consider yourself lucky that you have such diversity in your family. Mine is rather boring. LOL

 

[Xander]

You know this is one of those topics that I just can't pass up on.
I say Cheyenne, get to know her like you would anybody else. Then let her personality be the judge of wether or not she's likable.

One thing though. I've seen it happen many times. Mainly because I've been the subject of the issue.
I've seen perfectly nice people, who claim, not being prejustice, or even racist. Become just that, when it it get's close to them.
Like if fathers/mothers lil' daughter/son shows up on the doorstep, who just happens to be a big ole' nigger/gook/red skin.... or whatever (no offence people, I'm a gook myself )

Now why is that??
Can someone please explain that to me???

Beats the hell out of me....oh and btw, 99% of all serial killers were white. LOL

 

[Silverlily]

Like if fathers/mothers lil' daughter/son shows up on the doorstep, who just happens to be a big ole' nigger/gook/red skin.... or whatever

Xander, sweetie, it works that way in every direction, black, white, Asian, or otherwise.

Sometimes, it isn't even race. My ex-husband's family had a fit because I'm not Roman Catholic. It doesn't matter really what the difference is, many people just can't handle it.

I forgot to say it before, but good luck Cheyenne. I'm sure you will handle it gracefully.

 

[catlover]

My daughter lives in Japan, married to a Japanese man (she teaches English and makes a fantastic salary). Her first husband (also Japanese) asked me directly what I thought and I told him "if you keep her happy you keep me happy" He didnt so they were divorced (here in the US- she went back to Japan several years later)

The new husband has been here with her several times since and is accepted in my part of the family and by the siblings, but not by her stepfather now married to her mother- he wont allow my daughter, her son or husband into the house (which was mine and where my daughter grew up) Far as I'm concerned it's his loss

 

[Xander]

Like if fathers/mothers lil' daughter/son shows up on the doorstep, who just happens to be a big ole' nigger/gook/red skin.... or whatever

Xander, sweetie, it works that way in every direction, black, white, Asian, or otherwise.

Sometimes, it isn't even race. My ex-husband's family had a fit because I'm not Roman Catholic. It doesn't matter really what the difference is, many people just can't handle it.

Yeah I know Kitten, that just make it all the more sad.
Narrow minded people are .......well.....you know....kinda the reason wars start.

 

[gordito]

A box generally has a top a bottom and four sides. sometime the colors on the outside of the box are different but most of the time the box is thrown away in favor of what's inside.

Relish the gift you have been given and find out how they can enrich your own life and the lives of your family.

 

[Skibum]

I am married to an Asian woman, and the fact that our marriage is ending has nothing to do with our racial differences. There is no reason your cousin and his new wife cannot be very happy together, and a marriage should be a time for rejoicing for the whole family, not recriminations.

 

[*Eve*]

Speaking as the "black girl"

Well, it's pretty hard to ignore that she's black unless she has really light skin, you don't have to ignore that, I'm sure she probably already knows that she's black. Now, that that's established, accept. If she is skanky and treats him bad that would be a reason to cause concern but otherwise treat her as you would any other member of your family. Nothing makes me feel more uncomfortable than people uncomfortable to make reference to my race. Everyone trys too hard to be PC, believe me, black people are not as easily offended as some people think. She may just become your best friend and if she treats your cousin well then I'm sure the rest of the family will come around too. 80% of the time they usually do. Believe it or not it's more rare for a family to not come around then to shut their child out completely. I speak from experience.
I was in a relationship with a white guy for about 3 years. My parents didn't like the idea at all. They are good people but they just felt that I would get along better with someone from my own culture. Well after we broke up they really let me know what that thought of me dating outside my race. Well, now I am in a brand new relationship and this guy is also white. I haven't been this happy in a very long time and my parents see that and I knew that I had their blessing when my dad said to me "I don't care what color he is anymore, as long as he's good to you" I met my boyfriends parents and they were very receptive. I'm even going to have lunch with him mom this week. Crazy isn't it?
Well anyway, I know that if the relationship is strong, everyone around we see how much they care for each other and soon race won't even come to mind.

 

[Cheyenne]

Thanks, everyone! I don't know if I will get to meet her over the holidays or not. If not, then it won't be for another 6 months most likely. But when I do meet her, I'll try to remember all of your advice. Just being myself around her sounds like the easiet thing to do.

 

[Alyrahh]

You know, this is a little off topic, and I hope you don't mind. It's just that this thread reminded me of it.

Last week I went Christmas shopping with my mother and I'm always baffled by peoples reactions to seeing the two of us together. I mean, sure I get the stares and whispers, and the occasional child making some off the wall comment. But, my mother is much darker than I am, and she's so obviously not white. I could pretty much pass for a dark complected white person, but not her.

Anyway, we were in a clothing store and some woman walked right up to my Mom and said "So, what are you anyway?"

My mother is such a graceful person. Her reply to that woman made me so very proud. She didn't get upset, didn't even miss a beat. She just turned to her and said "I'm human, and what might you be?" with a cool smile.

So, Cheyenne, I'd like to echo what a lot of the people here have already said. Treat her like you'd treat any other human. I hope things work out well for you, please keep us all posted.

 

[whitemeatonly]

The only thing I can think of is except her, he has.
I speak from close and personal experience, I am the black woman that had a child out of wed lock and married a truly souhtern white man who has some family members that still think a burning cross is the only way to go. Not many members of his family came to our wedding, but the family that did come and welcomed me were the only ones that matter to my husband and I. Yeah it is a difficult transition for the family members,but it is even more so for the lovers. As for what to do next, well you can't try and ignore the fact the she is black, not going to happen. The only thing I can suggest is treat her as a human or better yet, as you would want to be treated going into a marriage.

 

[shadowsource]

Treat her as a person who is welcome -

- knowing that others may not do this, and try to be patient with her if hostilities by others are bringing her down, weirding her out, etc. Quiet human support will probably be very appreciated.

 

[morninggirl5]

Uhmmm, check the dates on the original posts on this thread, it's almost a year old.

I think the problem was solved long ago.

 

[KillerMuffin]

Well, this did happen about a whole year ago. So, Chey? What's the deal? Still married? Family more accepting? Still acting like jerks toward her? Have you met her? Spill!

 

[Cheyenne]

Well, this did happen about a whole year ago. So, Chey? What's the deal? Still married? Family more accepting? Still acting like jerks toward her? Have you met her? Spill!

Wow, a blast from the past!

Actually, I STILL haven't met the woman. Never saw this part of the family during the holidays last year- the newly weds live some distance from the rest of us. And when the relative who married her came to the family vacation last summer, he brought only his sons and not his new wife. I think the excuse at the time was something about her needing to stay home to go to work. I suspect in reality she figured out how uncomfortable she would be as probably the only black person in the town (it is way up on the boonies- a little town near lots of good fishing lakes). Or she didn't feel comfortable knowing she'd meet relatives who did not at all approve of the marriage. On the other hand, I haven't heard any horrible stories on the family grape vine in the last year about her, so maybe she will eventually be comfortable in joining in. They are still married, so they've made it through the tough first year!

 

[GuyJD]

Race doesn't seem to be a big problem in our family, as color is. My older brother's second wife was Caucasian and so is my younger sister's current husband. But then again, if you've noticed my pic, it may be because of our color.

Unfortunately, our parents were brought up to be prejudice of skin color, despite our race. You know, the brown bag gag. However, myself and my oldest brother feel differently. Every woman whom I've dated, except for one Caucasian and one Mexican girlfriend, were all darker than I.

And Cheyenne, I only noticed this year old post when I was looking for another member.