Meeting Potential Partners

GeekySub

Experienced
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Aug 25, 2006
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How do you go about looking for potential partners?

I don't mean a casual play partner but a serious, long-term partner?

I've recently been thrown back into the D/s dating scene and am so frustrated at the low number of people I've met. I've got ads up on every D/s oriented website I know, as well as several vanilla ones, but I'm having problems finding people that meet even basic criteria such as age and location (seems like everyone lives 1000 miles away or is 80yrs old...) And of course, that's without even having a chance to consider more in depth preferences like religion, wanting kids, etc.

Any advice on places to meet people? There are no groups that hold munches close to here (I live way out in a rural county). The closest would be at least an hour away, which isn't feasible since I work in the evening. I am very private, and something of a home body, so the club scene doesn't really appeal to me.

It's just so frustrating...I hate being alone, and would like to at least start meeting people and dating again, but I'm having no luck whatsoever...
 
You're private, a homebody, unwilling to drive into Dallas one Friday a month for the 4th Friday munches, and are (apparently) having zero luck with dating sites, but hate being alone. These things are not bad, in and of themselves, but won't make it very easy to find a partner.

If your personals ads are not returning the results you seek, I'd start with seriously evaluating your personals ad, and re-writing it.

If you really want a serious long term partner, you are probably going to have to step up, step out, and participate in "the scene" in some way shape or form. The 4th Friday group also has a spin-off group for submissives that meets one Sunday a month for lunch (if I'm remembering properly)... if you want to find a partner, you're probably going to have to step outside your comfort zone, deal with some inconvenience, and start attending munches, submissives groups, and things like weekend seminars...
 
I've got a partner, so I can't help you on how to find a partner, but I can tell you how NOT to find a partner. (I learned these things by watching my sister and best friend fuck up.)

Rule #1: DO NOT PICK UP GUYS IN THE BAR! If you do, don't be too surprised if they're alcoholic.

Hm. I know their's other things I've learned, but I can't htink of them off hand. I'll come back. :D
 
CutieMouse said:
You're private, a homebody, unwilling to drive into Dallas one Friday a month for the 4th Friday munches, and are (apparently) having zero luck with dating sites, but hate being alone. These things are not bad, in and of themselves, but won't make it very easy to find a partner.

If your personals ads are not returning the results you seek, I'd start with seriously evaluating your personals ad, and re-writing it.

If you really want a serious long term partner, you are probably going to have to step up, step out, and participate in "the scene" in some way shape or form. The 4th Friday group also has a spin-off group for submissives that meets one Sunday a month for lunch (if I'm remembering properly)... if you want to find a partner, you're probably going to have to step outside your comfort zone, deal with some inconvenience, and start attending munches, submissives groups, and things like weekend seminars...


I'm not "unwilling" to drive to dallas, I'm unable (work schedule conflicts.)
 
graceanne said:
I've got a partner, so I can't help you on how to find a partner, but I can tell you how NOT to find a partner. (I learned these things by watching my sister and best friend fuck up.)

Rule #1: DO NOT PICK UP GUYS IN THE BAR! If you do, don't be too surprised if they're alcoholic.

Hm. I know their's other things I've learned, but I can't htink of them off hand. I'll come back. :D


Yeah, I don't do the bar scene (I don't drink).
 
GeekySub said:
Yeah, I don't do the bar scene (I don't drink).

Smart girl. My sister and friend always find guys there then complain to me about them being deadbeats and drunks. :rolleyes: Seriously gets tiring. Although these days i'm happy if they haven't spent any time in jail.

Oh there's another rule. If he has a prison tattoo RUN! *sigh*
 
Okay... unable. There is a munch off Loop 12, every 4th Friday evening of the month. I'd advise to work on taking the 4th Friday off from work, and attending the munch. If you can't do that, I'd try attending the submissive's thingie that meets one Sunday afternoon a month (I think they meet Sunday afternoons...). If you can't do either of those things, find out when there are any weekend seminars in the area, and attend those.

My point is, that is online personals ads aren't working, and you are looking for a long term, serious relationship, you are probably going to have to work harder to get active in the "local scene". The other alternative is to re-do your personals ad, or explore what sorts of people are consistantly responding to your ad, why they aren't a good fit, and what sort of ad do you need to put up to discourage those types of people from responding.
 
My biggest problem with my personal ads is that I never meet anyone local. They are all across the country. But then again, I am very picky and have very particular interests and specific traits I look for. (That part is my own fault.)
 
hmm.. based on your interests, if I wasn't already married, I'd be interested.. :D ever watch the anime series Bleach? you might recognize my user name from that show.. ;) I have tons of anime! I also play Rolemaster (similar to D&D), I've been to Ren-faires, I've read lots of fantasy books, and I'm a sucker for green eyes! I played video games a lot before I got on my health-kick, but now I mostly spend my free time exercising..

anyway, I would think you shouldn't have too much trouble finding a lot of guys who share your interests.. particularly in video games! female gamers are highly desired in gaming circles!

if you don't have World of Warcraft, you would probably be able to find guys on there.. especially if you get in a guild.. the trick is finding a guy who isn't so badly addicted to the game that he's more interested in the game than he is in you.. :p I used to play WoW, but fortunately I quit..

one good thing about online games is it gives you an opportunity to chat with people and get to know them before you meet them in person.. just don't get too addicted! oh yeah, and the coolest people play on the Horde side.. the Alliance are mostly immature teeny-boppers.. ;)

also, when choosing a server, make sure you choose one that's in your time-zone.. that way you'll narrow it down to people who are in at least the same time zone as you..

just an idea since you said you like video games and fantasy stuff.. :)
 
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LOL, I'm already a wow addict!

Lvl 58 night elf hunter on Thorium Brotherhood server, and a lvl 16 blood elf 'lock .

I'm totally addicted!

I haven't watched Bleach yet but it's on my list. I'm working my way through Inuyasha right now :)
 
I loved Inuyasha! except for the way it ended! :( I won't tell you how it ended, but I was pretty dissappointed..

Bleach is my favorite at the moment. I highly recommend it! It took me until around episode 20 to really get into it, but after that I was totally hooked! :cathappy:
 
no offense about what I said about Alliance by the way, hehe.. ;) at least you aren't a Paladin! :p
 
CutieMouse said:
Okay... unable. There is a munch off Loop 12, every 4th Friday evening of the month. I'd advise to work on taking the 4th Friday off from work, and attending the munch. If you can't do that, I'd try attending the submissive's thingie that meets one Sunday afternoon a month (I think they meet Sunday afternoons...). If you can't do either of those things, find out when there are any weekend seminars in the area, and attend those.

My point is, that is online personals ads aren't working, and you are looking for a long term, serious relationship, you are probably going to have to work harder to get active in the "local scene". The other alternative is to re-do your personals ad, or explore what sorts of people are consistantly responding to your ad, why they aren't a good fit, and what sort of ad do you need to put up to discourage those types of people from responding.

Cutie I don't really think they are listening to you.

Finding a partner is hard work, D/s, vanilla, whatever the kink or vanilla interest it is hard work.

Maybe it is because it is 5.30am here and I am in a cynical mood, but OP's like this make me wonder if this is an overt way of finding someone here.

I never did understand anyone who was not willing to look outside their local area for a partner. That idea always seems like fishing in a small pond and hoping to find a dolphin!
 
shy slave said:
Cutie I don't really think they are listening to you.

Finding a partner is hard work, D/s, vanilla, whatever the kink or vanilla interest it is hard work.

Maybe it is because it is 5.30am here and I am in a cynical mood, but OP's like this make me wonder if this is an overt way of finding someone here.

I never did understand anyone who was not willing to look outside their local area for a partner. That idea always seems like fishing in a small pond and hoping to find a dolphin!
[hijack]
Shy,
I've always hesitated to look outside my local area, but it's because I'm in a custody battle that makes it incredibly difficult for me to move anytime in the next 6 years. For the first time, I've stepped outside that comfort zone and have met someone 300 miles away - which isn't that far when you get right down to it, but he is in another state. The issue for me is that if it becomes serious to the point that we want to live together or even get married, I will have to go to court in order to get permission to move with my daughter - and unless I am actually getting married, I don't have high hopes that I'll be successful. A big deal for some guy to get stuck with, in my mind. But then, I hate imposing on others, so I see anything that creates hurdles for someone else to be an issue. While it doesn't sound like that has much to do with the OP's position on it, in my opinion, it is a very valid reason for keeping your search somewhat local.

[/hijack]
 
shy slave said:
Cutie I don't really think they are listening to you.

Finding a partner is hard work, D/s, vanilla, whatever the kink or vanilla interest it is hard work.

Maybe it is because it is 5.30am here and I am in a cynical mood, but OP's like this make me wonder if this is an overt way of finding someone here.

I never did understand anyone who was not willing to look outside their local area for a partner. That idea always seems like fishing in a small pond and hoping to find a dolphin!

i think there could be a lot of reason why one would not want to look outside their local area. LDR's are hard and take alot of work to maintain and some people just arent up for those feelings or the work, trust, etc it takes to have an LDR....before 'internet dating' would you have looked outside your 'local' area? i mean i can see the reasons someone may not want to venture to another state, or whatever to find 'the one'......
 
lil_slave_rose said:
i think there could be a lot of reason why one would not want to look outside their local area. LDR's are hard and take alot of work to maintain and some people just arent up for those feelings or the work, trust, etc it takes to have an LDR....before 'internet dating' would you have looked outside your 'local' area? i mean i can see the reasons someone may not want to venture to another state, or whatever to find 'the one'......

LOL, actually many moons ago before I got on the internet, I did the traditional personals ads in newspapers and did look outside my own area. When I got familiar with the internet and was seriously looking for the relationship I have now, one of the first things they knew about me was I had children and if anything developed it may mean his moving to me. As it didn't happen I found someone straight away, that need decreased to the point I could move myself, but he would have been just as prepared to move to me. Restricting to one small geographical area is always going to limit choices and at times mean a person settles for less than what they wanted then a few years later is back in the same spot looking for a partner again, and a little more jaded and dissillusioned.

My advice to the OP is to drop the vanilla site ads unless you are open to a vanilla relationship. Why complicate something which is already complicated by finding someone who then has no interest in D/s, or thinks your sick when they find out yours? If you know what you want, don't try buying meat in a fruit shop...hances are you will find something not quite what you were wanting. Perhaps get someone to look over your ad and see if you could improve it in any way....some sites offer to do that for you. If there are sites you are on which have a forum or option to contribute articles/stories, do so....it increases your visibility, especially to people who are interested enough to actually talk or write about D/s instead of just looking for a fuck buddy.

In these uncertain times I would not be taking time off work, especially on a regular basis, to attend a munch...not worth the risk. Let's face it, if you lose your job you are further limited, and may appear also to be looking for someone to support you for those who are super suspicious of such things....and you have created another problem in your life to add to the partnerless one you already have. Bottom line is if you really want anything in life, you need to keep going for it and not get dissuaded too easily when it doesn't happen overnight. I know of subs in their 60's who have managed to find a PYL, and their odds were even less than someone young enough to bear children. Hang in there and don't settle for less than you want, but perhaps consider looking further afield than your own backyard.

Catalina :catroar:
 
GeekySub said:
LOL, I'm already a wow addict!

Lvl 58 night elf hunter on Thorium Brotherhood server, and a lvl 16 blood elf 'lock .

I'm totally addicted!

I haven't watched Bleach yet but it's on my list. I'm working my way through Inuyasha right now :)

Here's a thought: less WoW, more going out to socialize!! :p
(I'm a bit bitter because of all the people I know who I never see anymore because they are WoW addicts)

btw, have you seen Hellsing?
 
AvaAdore said:
Here's a thought: less WoW, more going out to socialize!! :p
(I'm a bit bitter because of all the people I know who I never see anymore because they are WoW addicts)

btw, have you seen Hellsing?

LOL, should I show F this?!! He has been playing it with my son and sometimes a bomb could explode and he wouldn't know!! And he has become more of a hermit though he has a million other reasons why he has become so, just I am a little submissive so I don't understand. :eek:

Catalina :catroar:
 
GeekySub said:
My biggest problem with my personal ads is that I never meet anyone local. They are all across the country. But then again, I am very picky and have very particular interests and specific traits I look for. (That part is my own fault.)
I guess it depends on your idea of 'local.' It sounds like you're not that far (more than, say, 3 hours) from a major metro area. You might have to be willing to drive a bit to meet someone at least halfway, but if you're serious about finding a LT, RL relationship, an hour or so in the car isn't a big deal, IMO.

Which dating sites have you tried so far? How long have you been actively out there and messaging potential matches? I've met people from CollarMe, OKCupid and Craigslist. Had I not found a sub in my spouse, I have no doubt I could have found at least one good partner on one of those sites. I'd have met plenty more non-matches and it would have taken time,
 
AvaAdore said:
Here's a thought: less WoW, more going out to socialize!! :p
(I'm a bit bitter because of all the people I know who I never see anymore because they are WoW addicts)

btw, have you seen Hellsing?

yes! excellent series! it was too short though.. :(
 
shy slave said:
I never did understand anyone who was not willing to look outside their local area for a partner. That idea always seems like fishing in a small pond and hoping to find a dolphin!
All of my dolphins were living less than 45 minutes away when I first met them. :)

But it's okay if you don't understand me, Shy. ;) And I can actually see why this might be easier to do from one side of the coin than the other.


AvaAdore said:
Here's a thought: less WoW, more going out to socialize!! :p
Ha, ha! I lost coffee over that one. Great point!
 
shy slave said:
That idea always seems like fishing in a small pond and hoping to find a dolphin!
Of course you realise a dolphin is a mammal; not a fish... ;)
 
Andante said:
Of course you realise a dolphin is a mammal; not a fish... ;)

:rolleyes:
OMG A rare Andante sighting. I must have found a mammal in a fishpond :p

[rant]

Beachgurl you have really good reasons for wanting stay within the State you live. That is not the same as being unwilling to drive for an hour to meet people. If you met someone out of state and things worked well between you, I can see it would be difficult but not necessarily impossible. He could move nearer you or you could both move to the state line. Your situation is very different from the OP's.

Cutie gave this OP lots of ways to meet, some of which could fit into his work schedule at least a few times in the coming year; yet he came back with a negative response each time.

I have a short string of patience for people like that.

JM At least you went out and found them, you didn't sit on your computer complaining that you could not meet anyone.

I met a vanilla man once who was not prepared to look further than a 4 mile radius from where he lived. I was within that 4 miles so he asked me out. I walked out during the date and went home. He wasn't looking for 'me' he was looking for anyone that meant he did not have to make too much of an effort.

If you can't find people locally, you need to go further afield.
The county next to me does not have a BDSM scene (other than a very seedy dungeon club in a seaside resort), anyone living in that county has to travel at least an hour to the next city. or over an hour to another city both of which have very sctive scenes. People car share and no-one complains about having to travel. They have not set up their own munch because they are ok about making an effort to meet like minded people.

Perhaps it is a city/country thing. In the UK people who live in the country expect to have to travel for an hour to go anywhere.

When I saw Andantes ad, the bit that said 'I live in Denmark' never really registered with me. I just accepted that if we got on, the distance thing would work out. So far it has.

People who are constantly negative drive me crazy. If you want something to happen you have to make an effort, whether it is walking away from the computer or driving for an hour. Nothing happens from wishing it to come true.
[/rant]
 
shy slave said:
:rolleyes:
OMG A rare Andante sighting. I must have found a mammal in a fishpond :p

[rant]

Beachgurl you have really good reasons for wanting stay within the State you live. That is not the same as being unwilling to drive for an hour to meet people. If you met someone out of state and things worked well between you, I can see it would be difficult but not necessarily impossible. He could move nearer you or you could both move to the state line. Your situation is very different from the OP's.

Cutie gave this OP lots of ways to meet, some of which could fit into his work schedule at least a few times in the coming year; yet he came back with a negative response each time.

I have a short string of patience for people like that.

JM At least you went out and found them, you didn't sit on your computer complaining that you could not meet anyone.

I met a vanilla man once who was not prepared to look further than a 4 mile radius from where he lived. I was within that 4 miles so he asked me out. I walked out during the date and went home. He wasn't looking for 'me' he was looking for anyone that meant he did not have to make too much of an effort.

If you can't find people locally, you need to go further afield.
The county next to me does not have a BDSM scene (other than a very seedy dungeon club in a seaside resort), anyone living in that county has to travel at least an hour to the next city. or over an hour to another city both of which have very sctive scenes. People car share and no-one complains about having to travel. They have not set up their own munch because they are ok about making an effort to meet like minded people.

Perhaps it is a city/country thing. In the UK people who live in the country expect to have to travel for an hour to go anywhere.

When I saw Andantes ad, the bit that said 'I live in Denmark' never really registered with me. I just accepted that if we got on, the distance thing would work out. So far it has.

People who are constantly negative drive me crazy. If you want something to happen you have to make an effort, whether it is walking away from the computer or driving for an hour. Nothing happens from wishing it to come true.
[/rant]

Well said shy. :)

I always believed that anything I really wanted was only worth the effort that I was willing to put into it.

When I really want something, I'll save for as long as it takes, I'll skip things like eating out or buying my once a month movie or what ever and I'm much happier with it because I did work so hard to get it. If it's something that I'm not willing to work for, I figure it's something that I really don't want or need.

I think this goes doubly for relationships. If you're not willing to work for them, they usually aren't worth getting into. Sometimes this means driving an hour or two (hell I've driven 6 hours to meet some one before), or maybe like with me, I've fought to get a different work schedule at work so that I could be online when my Love is so we would at least get to chat. And eventually I'll hop a plan and go visit him. And I'm working on a permotion that will allow me to visit him more frequently (tho anything is more frequent than never. :rolleyes: )

Diamonds don't come out of the mine all sparkly. You have to tumble, polish and shape them a bit before they're really worth anything.
 
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