Maybe someone could help me with this...

[TinyDancerGirl]

okay it might be a bit muddled but my heads a bit muddled. i just wondered if anyone could shed any light on this one.

as a complete newbie to this i'm pretty wary. i've heard a lot of horror stories about emotional and physical bullies. so i was very wary about meeting someone. i conected with a Dom. we did the whole e-mail thing. we did the whole phone thing. i felt like it was good and he was what i needed. he helped me realise a lot of things about myself and why i was feeling what i was feeling and what i actually wanted to achieve and how to take the first steps into this. so it was all good. really good. we arranged a drink. he let me down something came up. things come up. its not a problem. anyway we arranged another meet and work came up. ookay so thats cool but its the second time in as many weeks. so my defense wall kicks in and i start to get a bit wary. so we arrange a third meet. and we are getting on fantastically. thursday he txt me his address and everything was cool and said ring me tomorrow.

so friday came and im bouncing off the walls and i call him in the morning. nothing. i call him in the aftrenoon. nothing. i call him when i'm supposed to be leaveing. nothing. i end up not going as there was no confirmation. but i end up in the pub and with the dutch courage i ring him a few more times. saturday comes and i think something may have happend to him. i voice my concern via txt. nothing. sunday comes and by this time i've just give him up as a blow out.

today i'm on msn and up pops his name. i asked if he was okay and he said dissapointed. when i asked why he said its because i stubled at the first hurdle. he says he told me to do something so i should have done it. i fell at the first hurdle and didn't have the balls to just go.

my reply to this was that i didn't know if something was wrong. i didn't want to turn up somewhere i wasn't 100% wanted. i didn't want to come across as a crazed stalker and i didn't want to be in a stange area as a young girl on my own wiht no one that i knew where anything could have happened. i also said that if he had recieved my calls on the friday he knows i would have been there.

he agreed with none of this and said i should have just gone anyway. i don't understand. surley its good that i'm wary of people? and if he didn't wnat me there i didn't want to piss him off by just turning up? i'm so confused.....

i know he is genuine. video calls etc etc have all proved that. and i even checked the electoral roll for his house....

this being my first experience i can honestly say it has dis armed me. i feel a bit emotionally battered and to be fair i think if he had just blown me out i wouldn't feel as bad or confused as i do now. if he was just a tosser i would have put it down to just a bad card and started the search again. but because of this 'test' it's hurt and confuddled me a lot. it feels like its just been a head fuck. i'm usually a really emotionally strong person and i feel like i let my gaurd down and got hurt. an it's stupid because i don't even know him. i've never met him. it was just so hard to take the first step into all this and he was that first step and i feel like he's just knocked me over and off the road.

i'm in two minds now. half of me wants to just forget it and half of me wants to tell him he hasn't hurt me and its not deterred me and he's a prat. ahhhh i don't know.

i'm sorry i know this has been a massive ramble.....
just wondered if anyone had any opinions/advice on this whole thing...

thanks
x

 

[Kajira Callista]

My opinion only

Setting someone up to fail then rubbing their nose in it is abusive.
Refusing to respond to attempts to contact you before a meeting time is childish.
Expecting someone you have never met not to be cautious when it comes to meeting is stupid.

 

[TinyDancerGirl]

thank.you.god.

its just confirmed exactly the way my feelings are swaying.... they guy is a head fuck. the more i think about it the more angry i am with him and the fact he didn't answer the phone. and how he expect me to be so fearless!
*sigh*

 

[saw_man1]

I have a short question for clarifications’ sake.

Were you actually going to the "home" of someone you had never previously met?

 

[TinyDancerGirl]

.....

no. we were going to meet in a bar for a drink. i asked for his address as i wanted to know he had nothing to hide from me...is that bad?

 

[Kajira Callista]

no. we were going to meet in a bar for a drink. i asked for his address as i wanted to know he had nothing to hide from me...is that bad?

no it isn't

 

[TinyDancerGirl]

cool.good. so as far as im aware i went about all the 'checks' and 'precautions' in the correct way... just a shame it all turned out the way it did.
*big big sigh*

 

[saw_man1]

no. we were going to meet in a bar for a drink. i asked for his address as i wanted to know he had nothing to hide from me...is that bad?

Thats not bad at all. You did the smart thing. It appears that you are well on your way to doing another smart thing in forgeting this guy and moving on.

 

[catalina_francisco]

My opinion only

Setting someone up to fail then rubbing their nose in it is abusive.
Refusing to respond to attempts to contact you before a meeting time is childish.
Expecting someone you have never met not to be cautious when it comes to meeting is stupid.

I'm with KC...he is playing games and setting you up for abuse which could mean he is a twit, an abuser or is inexperienced, either way it sounds as if he is not going to be a good person for you.

Catalina

 

[TinyDancerGirl]

thanks you guys you've straightened my head out a bit i'm going to pop back tomorrow and see if anyone else gave opinions
again thanks for the help

 

[Daddyslilpet]

TinyDancerGirl, have you ever thought about setting up a safe call with a friend before meeting someone like this? It might help you not feel quite so vulnerable and alone.

 

[A Desert Rose]

He told you to ring him "tomorrow" and you did, several times and no answer.

What hurdle did you stumble over? But more importantly, exactly who stumbled here?

Sounds like a chump to me. Move on. Find someone else.

Edited to add: Sounds a lot like someone got cold feet and you should be proud to know it wasn't you.

 

[Betticus]

He's abusive. Your concerns are genuine and you already know that you have figured out that this guy is an asshole. Don't settle for this kind of guy, reach for the sky and find the person that you dream about. He's out there somewhere.

 

[agibean]

Another voice adding that he is a twit

But I will second the idea of a safe call-have a friend call you at a specified time so that in case things are "off" in some way, you can let them know. Anyone who would refuse to allow you such a call is someone to be wary of, and should get a "goodbye" from you right then and there.

I wasn't all that young when I began my journey, but I remember the way it felt-there ARE some good people out there, just keep looking and realize that thus far, you've been going about it the right way-the guy you were supposed to meet in that bar is the loser.

 

[Chicklet]

Yep, what a bastard.

One of the things that used to drive me up the wall when I was little was that when I was bad, my mother would come up with some outlandish thing she was *going* to do for a surprise, except I'd fudged it up with *my* behavior.

"Well we were GOING to go get ice cream, but since you didn't clean your room, no one gets any."

This kind of mental game has driven me NUTS since then. I don't think my mom could help being emotionally manipulative and love to drag me down like that, but I couldn't choose my mom. I can certainly choose my mate.

My frist boyfriend used to come up with "tests" for me. He would create a new chat account and message me and claim to be a different guy, and try to flirt with me. If I reacted at all, responded at all, etc, then he'd reveal himself and claim that I was cheating on him. He'd also create accounts as a female, and pretend that he was having an affair and if I reacted to that, then I was distrustful and should be ashamed.

Your guy seems to fit with my ex, and I don't like it. I'm glad you didn't meet him. I know it was a disapointment, but what if you HAD met him, and had dragged out a longer term real life relationship with someone who played this sort of head game? I think you should feel fortunate that you avoided that. Yes, it's disapointing, but at least you avoided further disapointment.

I'm sure you'll be able to find someone who isn't a fuckwad who will actually call and confirm a meeting instead of leaving you wondering. Good luck.

 

[brioche]

I also think there's a bit of a test here. Is she enough of a doormat that she'll keep agreeing to these meets? It's kind of a backhanded test at your psychological character.

After one of those, I would have told him something to the effect of, "If I don't hear from you a couple of hours before I'll know you're stuck at work and will make other plans." I also would not put my life on hold for someone who keeps cancelling. If I have something planned with the fam or friends, I'm not going to cancel it for a guy who *might* show up. That's just the way I am. But then, at this point in my life, I'm also not going to "settle," either. He's with me or he's not.

Trust is a two way street. He has not given you any reason to trust him.

In short, he's a prat.
Dump and move on to someone who deserves you.

 

[myinnerslut]

i agree with what everyone else said

this guy sounds like a complete ass!

 

[jadefirefly]

Absolute assmonkey. Delete his number from your cell, block him on your friends list, and mark his incoming emails as spam.

Manipulative and emotionally abusive are not highly praised traits in a mate, or even a friend. Not that you haven't heard all this already.

All I can say is, we're pretty much all glad you at least knew this already and didn't go into denial when it was confirmed!

 

[Marquis]

As much as I love to be original, I'm just going to reiterate what everyone else said.

This dude sounds like a classic tool.

 

[chris9]

What everyone else said.

Good luck!

 

[Gus Aspar]

over-simplistic post

It strikes me that, in offering yourself as a sub to someone who likes being a dom, you're stacking the odds in favour of the unpredictable.

My advice (advice? Gus, look at your record! and you offer advice? hah!!): find a nice boy, take him home and shag his brains out.

 

[SilencedNeeds]

 

[@}-}rebecca----]

It strikes me that, in offering yourself as a sub to someone who likes being a dom, you're stacking the odds in favour of the unpredictable.

My advice (advice? Gus, look at your record! and you offer advice? hah!!): find a nice boy, take him home and shag his brains out.

Gus with all due respect the person described does sound like a tool . He also appears to be by his own estimation a Dominant and as the term has such a range of interpretation for some , may well be.

I would have to say that in general with quite some reasonable experience Dominants do not have some particular character trait that makes them more prone to being unpredicatable than the more general population.

The Dom/mes I have maintained friendships with over the years fall a long way from character traits easy to cast dispersions at. The ones I have dismissed well thats another story.

Your point on a 'nice boy and shag his brains out' is well meant advice I believe from the 'tone' of your post. However its possible that tinydancer is not seeking a relationship of that genre. As a submissive she may well likely find that 'option' redundant to her personal desires. Perhaps she will comment and we will all be sure.

 

[O'Mac]

My opinion only

Setting someone up to fail then rubbing their nose in it is abusive.
Refusing to respond to attempts to contact you before a meeting time is childish.
Expecting someone you have never met not to be cautious when it comes to meeting is stupid.

Exactly my sentiments, KC. I would hazard a guess that in his mind he's taking the same approach that any other Dom would, but believe me when I say that it sounds a lot like inexperience on his part. Inexperienced so great, in fact, that he's focused himself on the giving you the impression that he is to be obeyed without doubt, no matter what the circumstances are.

I actually don't think he really knows what he's doing, and it sounds like another "fake" Dom we like to talk about on these boards just looking for another intimate encounter. Yes, he's put a lot of time and effort into it, but it's obvious to me that you're likely better off without him.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Absolute assmonkey. Delete his number from your cell, block him on your friends list, and mark his incoming emails as spam.

Manipulative and emotionally abusive are not highly praised traits in a mate, or even a friend. Not that you haven't heard all this already.

All I can say is, we're pretty much all glad you at least knew this already and didn't go into denial when it was confirmed!

But before you do this, tell him exactly why. That way he'll hopefully learn from this failed encounter and be more realistic in his expectations of the next poor girl who lands in his net.