Masochistic Dom/mes

[eastern sun]

Do they exist?

I think I've found one. But it puts me in a strange position as a submissive.

 

[CutieMouse]

Yes they exsist; why does it put you in a strange position as a submissive?

 

[eastern sun]

. . .

I suppose because I'm a little frightened in putting myself in the hands of someone who wants me to hurt him. Does that make sense?

Because it can make me mean.

 

[CutieMouse]

I suppose because I'm a little frightened in putting myself in the hands of someone who wants me to hurt him. Does that make sense?

Because it can make me mean.

Hmm... first thought is are *you* a masochist, and do you have any personal experience with masochists? I ask, because I'm not sure if your comment about it can make you mean is from historical experience as one giving pain, from inexperience with masochism, or from a disconnect with how fulfilling a masochist's wishes can be the opposite of mean- besides which, what one person considers "mean" another can consider "heaven"... so the comment about how it can make you mean is a bit difficult to advise on.

Second thought is that gifting someone else with sensations, is a serious responsibility, and if you *know* you are not capable of giving sensation in a responsible manner, it is your duty to explain that in clear, concrete terms.

 

[eastern sun]

. . .

No, I am not a masochist, though I enjoy intense physical sensations. And I am not experienced in gifting emotional pain (that's why I'm posting here, in fact, to learn). Thank you.

 

[eastern sun]

. . .

the reason I said it can make me mean is because I apparently am not able to be responsible and (for reasons of my own) move clumsily and grow mean and/or withdrawn (thus frustrating and disappointing the man I want to bring pleasure to)

 

[CutieMouse]

No, I am not a masochist, though I enjoy intense physical sensations. And I am not experienced in gifting emotional pain (that's why I'm posting here, in fact, to learn). Thank you.

IMO, saying you enjoy intesnse physical sensations, but aren't a masochist, is a bit of a misnomer.

The easiest advice is to take your masochistic experiences, and do the same to your partner. I'm not sure what you mean by emotional pain, though. Above all else talking to your partner (as equals) to find out what he or she enjoys, expects, and needs, is always a good place to start.

 

[eastern sun]

. . .

Interesting. I've always reserved the word "masochist" for those who enjoyed the sensations of pain, either physical or emotional (and by emotional pain, I mean - loss, jealousy, abandonment) And I've called myself "submissive" instead because though I truly enjoy intense stimulation - it doesn't actually feel painful at a certain point, and if it does feel painful, it's usually because I'm resisting it and I don't want to continue. And then I don't want to continue.

I've been choosing "submissive" as well, instead of "masochist," because I really, really, really don't want to feel loss, jealousy, abandonment, in the pursuit of sexual pleasure for more than the most fleeting of moments. (I'm an emotional wimp - and want to be the cherished pet) Loved and cared for, I will devote myself utterly.

On the other hand, the man I serve does want to feel emotional pain - to harness its energy as such - and I dance on the edge of the knife and too carelessly hurt his feelings which isn't the gift he wanted.

 

[CutieMouse]

Interesting. I've always reserved the word "masochist" for those who enjoyed the sensations of pain, either physical or emotional (and by emotional pain, I mean - loss, jealousy, abandonment) And I've called myself "submissive" instead because though I truly enjoy intense stimulation - it doesn't actually feel painful at a certain point, and if it does feel painful, it's usually because I'm resisting it and I don't want to continue. And then I don't want to continue.

I've been choosing "submissive" as well, instead of "masochist," because I really, really, really don't want to feel loss, jealousy, abandonment, in the pursuit of sexual pleasure for more than the most fleeting of moments. (I'm an emotional wimp - and want to be the cherished pet) Loved and cared for, I will devote myself utterly.

On the other hand, the man I serve does want to feel emotional pain - to harness its energy as such - and I dance on the edge of the knife and too carelessly hurt his feelings which isn't the gift he wanted.

One can be a masochist, and a submissive; one can be masochistic and a Dominant. One can be a submissive without a masochistic bnone in one's body; one can be a Dominant without being a sadist. One can tease the mind into experiencing pain as pleasure; being a masochist does not have to involve emotional pain or humiliation... There are no set in stone definitions, and everyone experiences things in their own way (which is why I generally avoid labels).

I'm still not sure what emotional pain is- humiliation, I guess? John Warren has a good chapter on psychological domination/humiliation in his book The Loving Dominant; reading some books on Topping/Dominance might help you with your exploration.

 

[Netzach]

"On the other hand, the man I serve does want to feel emotional pain - to harness its energy as such - and I dance on the edge of the knife and too carelessly hurt his feelings which isn't the gift he wanted."

It seems like you need to have really clear communication about:

what's on limits and good
what's off limits and bad

just like you were embarking on senasation play. Some of the same generalities apply to humiliation as do to pain. A trip to the dentist isn't fun while a scratch in the heat of sexual fervor is great. What are his emotional/mental equivalents to each of those things? In detail. If you're supposed to "just know" he should probably get a resident psychic to dole out the sensations he wants but doesn't want to name or explain. If you can start with a very detailed communication, your chances of having a good time and not inflicting damage are better.

 

[catalina_francisco]

On the other hand, the man I serve does want to feel emotional pain - to harness its energy as such - and I dance on the edge of the knife and too carelessly hurt his feelings which isn't the gift he wanted.

The emotional pain aspect I can relate to, though for each person it can be different, and as you already realise it has to be delivered with knowledge and care. As a masochist I like both physical and emotional pain, though the latter has to be delivered with care and also is better to explore some times more so than others. Netzach gives good advice about discussing limits fully. Does your Dom also require physical pain, and are you able to deliver it safely? Though I am all up for experimentation and exploring new horizons, if you do not feel this is something you can do without harming yourself or another perhaps it is better to communicate that beforehand and find out how important it is to the relationship. When you mention his feelings getting hurt, do you mean you go to far, you move into off limits areas, or he seems a ittle confused as to what he is asking for and then finding it doesn't work well for him?

Catalina

 

[lil_slave_rose]

Interesting. I've always reserved the word "masochist" for those who enjoyed the sensations of pain, either physical or emotional (and by emotional pain, I mean - loss, jealousy, abandonment) And I've called myself "submissive" instead because though I truly enjoy intense stimulation - it doesn't actually feel painful at a certain point, and if it does feel painful, it's usually because I'm resisting it and I don't want to continue. And then I don't want to continue.

I've been choosing "submissive" as well, instead of "masochist," because I really, really, really don't want to feel loss, jealousy, abandonment, in the pursuit of sexual pleasure for more than the most fleeting of moments. (I'm an emotional wimp - and want to be the cherished pet) Loved and cared for, I will devote myself utterly.

On the other hand, the man I serve does want to feel emotional pain - to harness its energy as such - and I dance on the edge of the knife and too carelessly hurt his feelings which isn't the gift he wanted.

i am a submissive AND a masochist, i do not enjoy emotional pain and i'm still not quite sure what you even mean by it.....to me, emotional pain, means harming someone..and that's not what being a Masochist is about...you say a loss, jealousy, abandonment..i'm confused could you give an example?

 

[catalina_francisco]

Emotional can be a big part of masochism. It is an area which I crave often, but it is also something F is wary of because in the wrong frame of mind I can be damaged by it, suffer long term difficulties, and he doesn't have the energy to then have to work through that, possibly repeatedly. I am working on overcoming that because it is a huge turn on when I am firing on all cylinders and a place I would love to explore more in the future. The only time it is abusive IMHO is when it is inflicted on someone who really does not want it and/or cannot handle it under any circumstances. It can involve a variety of methods depending what pushes the buttons for both involved. I don't tend to equate it with humiliation though they can both interact, but need not necessarily go together....for me, to assume it is a form of humiliation is based more from the viewpoint of someone who would or could see the methods used as ones they are not into and will not enjoy.

Catalina