Masochism

[Yardley]

Not surprised…
Coming from someone who has a "let them all burn and die" stand on the Greece issue.

Why hashie, I had no idea you were entertaining homoerotic fantasies about me. Given that I have said nothing of the sort and you didn't bother to address me at all in either of the two Greek threads, I can't imagine why you would be trolling me here, you repressed little numpty.

Riddle me this: How is a homosexual man who is comfortable enough with his predilections to be partnered, so repressed online that he has to pretend to be a chick? You do realize we have a vibrant GBLT section here and the vast majority of members are very much allies of that community?

 

[hashtag45]

Why hashie, I had no idea you were entertaining homoerotic fantasies about me. Given that I have said nothing of the sort and you didn't bother to address me at all in either of the two Greek threads, I can't imagine why you would be trolling me here, you repressed little numpty.

Riddle me this: How is a homosexual man who is comfortable enough with his predilections to be partnered, so repressed online that he has to pretend to be a chick? You do realize we have a vibrant GBLT section here and the vast majority of members are very much allies of that community?

was just bored… nothing going on in GB.
saw your name & tried to get a rise out of you. Unsuccessfully, it seems

 

[Yardley]

was just bored… nothing going on in GB.
saw your name & tried to get a rise out of you. Unsuccessfully, it seems

I don't have any particular problem with you. I find you to be a bit awkward at times and completely get that part of that (but by no means the majority) stems from English not being your first language. Can I offer you some friendly advice?

Be authentic. In the end you are you, and you want people to like the version of you that you know best.

I have been known on occasion to drag my muddy boots through a forum if I am perturbed at someone, but as you know, you and I haven't crossed swords (so to speak) and popping up unannounced when we are both to be perceived as visitors in this particular forum is bad form.

The BDSM forum tends to move a little slower and despite the scary sounding title is a pretty laid-back, gentle forum where respect for others is key. That does not mean one has to agree with others, that one cannot engage in a heated exchange, but one doesn't just wander in and unsheathe one's rapier. Saavy?

 

[hashtag45]

I don't have any particular problem with you. I find you to be a bit awkward at times and completely get that part of that (but by no means the majority) stems from English not being your first language. Can I offer you some friendly advice?

Be authentic. In the end you are you, and you want people to like the version of you that you know best.

I have been known on occasion to drag my muddy boots through a forum if I am perturbed at someone, but as you know, you and I haven't crossed swords (so to speak) and popping up unannounced when we are both to be perceived as visitors in this particular forum is bad form.

The BDSM forum tends to move a little slower and despite the scary sounding title is a pretty laid-back, gentle forum where respect for others is key. That does not mean one has to agree with others, that one cannot engage in a heated exchange, but one doesn't just wander in and unsheathe one's rapier. Saavy?

Which means I Did get a rise out of you. This time, I won

Bye

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[Sammael Bard]

Be wary of using both hands until you're really comfortable. You will have much greater control using just your Dominant hand...laughing...(Yeah...I always like that pun)

I'm a right-handed person, but my left hand is comparatively stronger and less sensitive. Same with my legs. I use my left leg for powerful shots and use my right for passing the ball, doing tricks etc. It's like power and finesse, but on different sides.

Since I won't need much apart from a good aim, I'll be more comfortable doing it with my left. The right will there for "backup". Just in case.

I don't agree with this. I think it's a good thing to ask if she's okay, just don't do it all the time and stop the flow by doing it. And make sure she knows that checking on her is important to you, as it helps you to gauge your actions and learn better for the future.

If you want to ask her if she's ok, you can also do it in a sexy fashion, that sort of keeps the flow in motion. Like rub her butt and say that her ass is starting to look all kinds of red and sexy and then ask her if she can handle more. Or something like that. You can keep it light and playful and make it a part of the whole experience instead of her feeling like it disrupts all the fun.

You make very good points.

*toddles off to practise sexy voice*

The reason I share this is because I want to explain to OP that from this point of not wanting to hurt but to fulfil, you can well reach a point where you might not only fulfil but enjoy.

I'll try. : )

 

[Sammael Bard]

I think you're more likely to hurt your hand than her butt. If you're hitting hard enough to make your hands sting you're probably doing it right. Put a little wrist into it but try to land with your entire hand at one time rather than just the tips of your fingers. Those of us with a bit of a sadistic streak find that the spankee can take a lot more after it starts to become a pink. In the initial stages she's feeling the sting sharply, afterwards the body's defenses take over and endorphins rush in and it takes and it takes more of an impact to get the results you are looking for.

People have different ways their skin responds some bruising can happen at times. My guess is she wouldn't mind a bruise as a reminder the next day. Ask her.

What you're talking about is essentially calibration. Exactly how hard should you hit? Think of it this way you want to be escalating so start off with less and move towards more. the first time I had the occasion to spank someone she requested it and I didn't realize she meant to spank like I meant it. I had the opposite reaction that you are having but it is analogous. I was surprised to find that I liked doing it and that I found it arousing and that was disturbing to me. Probably for much the same reasons that you have an issue with it. It just seems wrong doesn't it?


The difference between us is that I apparently have a bit of a sadistic streak. That doesn't make it any less psychologically disconcerting to do it. It would make sense though that your discomfort would be a little greater because you're getting nothing out of it I get a mild feeling of guilt.

I'm assuming though from your post that you're something of a pleaser. And I'm sure you get some pleasure from noticing her delight. Push through your discomfort a little bit smack her a little harder and I think you'll get to a place you'll both like.

Yes...calibration. I'm not that familiar with S/M aspect of roleplay since I never thought that I'd be engaged in it. Looks like I'll have familiarise myself with that too.

I associate successful sadism with anger, because it is anger which makes me want to hit without reservation. I'm not the angry person I was, so it becomes harder to focus at doing something which you clearly can't do when you aren't in the zone. Yep, I'm waiting for her to piss me off.

I'll try what you've said. Go light and then start by hitting hard. That sounds safe and reasonable.

I can push myself to like this thing. It's not something that icks me out. Just something that I don't think is safe trying unless I'm good at it. Safety comes first here.

Is it your girlfriend who is concerned about marks, or you? Maybe talk about it.

I'm the one worried.

She doesn't know how hard I can hit. I know my power, she doesn't.

 

[Sammael Bard]

One more thing,

Keep your GeeBee issues and bickering out of other forums, especially my threads.


TIA.

 

[BabblingBrooke]

I associate successful sadism with anger, because it is anger which makes me want to hit without reservation. I'm not the angry person I was, so it becomes harder to focus at doing something which you clearly can't do when you aren't in the zone. Yep, I'm waiting for her to piss me off.

I'll try what you've said. Go light and then start by hitting hard. That sounds safe and reasonable.

I'm not a sadist, but I know a couple. I don't believe sadists are angry, rather they derive pleasure from causing another to feel pain. It's measured and controlled, not from a "pissed off" place.

I can push myself to like this thing. It's not something that icks me out. Just something that I don't think is safe trying unless I'm good at it. Safety comes first here.

Safety first. Always!

 

[Yardley]

Yes...calibration. I'm not that familiar with S/M aspect of roleplay since I never thought that I'd be engaged in it. Looks like I'll have familiarise myself with that too.

"Calibration" was my wordsmithing. There is BDSM jargon that helps sometimes with short-handing things but don't worry about picking it up. Ordinary language works fine most of the time.

I associate successful sadism with anger, because it is anger which makes me want to hit without reservation. I'm not the angry person I was, so it becomes harder to focus at doing something which you clearly can't do when you aren't in the zone. Yep, I'm waiting for her to piss me off.

It probably varies, but for me it has never come from a place of anger. It is hard to describe to someone what a delightful feeling giving in to a sadistic urge can be. It's close to fascination. It is more a feeling filled with wonder than something dark. For me, because of having had a fairly repressive baseline, there is the added tingle of it being "wrong."

I have, at times, faked an angry cast to it, either for my own ends in order to reach into a well of adrenaline, or because I know the person found the idea of me "losing control" enticing, but the anger is fake, the sadism is real.

I can push myself to like this thing. It's not something that icks me out. Just something that I don't think is safe trying unless I'm good at it. Safety comes first here.

As far as your end of it, I would suggest you not push to hard to make yourself like it. It is like chasing a mirage to find something specifically enjoyable that you are not particularly imprinted to like.

What I would suggest is concentrate on liking how aroused the session is getting her. That is so much easier to envision and then realize. That is how I finally came to terms with the fact that I did like it.

I really do see it as coming from opposite sides of the same coin.

Keep your GeeBee issues and bickering out of other forums, especially my threads.

Apologies. No idea where that came from. Far as I know, he and I have never spoken before.

 

[SpunThings]

I think it will help you to learn to disconnect the concept of hurt from harm. Not all hurts are harmful. Sometimes they are quite fun I don't understand people who g on roller coasters, or jump out of planes, or watch horror movies. They get their rush their way, I get mine my way.

 

[Yardley]

I think it will help you to learn to disconnect the concept of hurt from harm. Not all hurts are harmful. Sometimes they are quite fun I don't understand people who g on roller coasters, or jump out of planes, or watch horror movies. They get their rush their way, I get mine my way.

Very good point.

From the reluctant Sadist point of view it is equally good to remember that not all inflicting of pain is "wrong." Interesting how even fun, playful language tends to reinforce that. Liking certain things is "twisted." Which is true but it has a negative connotation to me. Twisting your mind to a frame that accommodates kink is a worthy exercise.

 

[BiBunny]

There are things like spanking gloves available if you're still having the "Jesus, this hurts my hand" problem. I would not, however, pay what fetish stores want for them, though. I'd think any pair of leather or faux-leather gloves would work for that purpose.

 

[Sammael Bard]

I'm not a sadist, but I know a couple. I don't believe sadists are angry, rather they derive pleasure from causing another to feel pain. It's measured and controlled, not from a "pissed off" place.



Safety first. Always!

Some are. I have a few friends who like to release this aggression in a controlled manner during RP. It's more like a group actually, and although they're not short-tempered at all, I think they like to take out their frustrations, if any, during the RP most of the times. In their own words:

"It's a goddamn therapy for us."

But most of the times, they just like to flog because they like it. It's more like a fascination...a turn-on for them. Just like the sub getting off from being spanked.

"Calibration" was my wordsmithing. There is BDSM jargon that helps sometimes with short-handing things but don't worry about picking it up. Ordinary language works fine most of the time.

Actually, it's not the first time I encountered that word. I did hear it being used by others, the word just did not exactly strike me while writing the OP.


It probably varies, but for me it has never come from a place of anger. It is hard to describe to someone what a delightful feeling giving in to a sadistic urge can be. It's close to fascination. It is more a feeling filled with wonder than something dark. For me, because of having had a fairly repressive baseline, there is the added tingle of it being "wrong."

I have, at times, faked an angry cast to it, either for my own ends in order to reach into a well of adrenaline, or because I know the person found the idea of me "losing control" enticing, but the anger is fake, the sadism is real.

I understand. The origin can vary as per the need and satisfaction.

As far as your end of it, I would suggest you not push to hard to make yourself like it. It is like chasing a mirage to find something specifically enjoyable that you are not particularly imprinted to like.

I'll try.

What I would suggest is concentrate on liking how aroused the session is getting her. That is so much easier to envision and then realize. That is how I finally came to terms with the fact that I did like it.

I really do see it as coming from opposite sides of the same coin.

Exactly. I'm aiming for that. In a way, seeing her happy makes me happy. I didn't like the idea of rimming her at first, but got used to it afterwards, and now enjoy it. It's the initial bumps that are a bit hard to come over.

Apologies. No idea where that came from. Far as I know, he and I have never spoken before.

Don't apologise for someone else's boneheaded-ness. You weren't the one I was referring to.

I think it will help you to learn to disconnect the concept of hurt from harm. Not all hurts are harmful. Sometimes they are quite fun I don't understand people who g on roller coasters, or jump out of planes, or watch horror movies. They get their rush their way, I get mine my way.

Good Point. I'll keep that in mind.

There are things like spanking gloves available if you're still having the "Jesus, this hurts my hand" problem. I would not, however, pay what fetish stores want for them, though. I'd think any pair of leather or faux-leather gloves would work for that purpose.

Nah, she wants my bare hands. Besides, the pain isn't so bad that I have to buy a glove. But I'll keep that in mind if I ever have to buy one.

Thanks.

 

[jessalynn15]

I'm no BDSM expert by any means, but I do love being spanked so here's my two cents. Being spanked is as much about the attitude of the person spanking as it is the actual spanking. Maintaining that authoritative and dominate attitude throughout does wonders for me. Plus it makes it feel like he is just as into it (I mean, he really is, but for your purposes). As for the actual spanking, I love it when he focuses on the center of each cheek, with quick, almost glancing slaps that sting and leave me red but would never bruise me. Anything that's closer to my sides and hips starts to hurt in the not-pleasurable way (though that may be entirely personal). But don't be afraid to go for the full-palm slap and then grab a handful of that same area you just spanked. A part of spanking for me is ass-worship, so working that in a little couldn't hurt ;-)

 

[StrangeView]

Something that worked for me as far as 'calibration' is concerned, is to warm up hand and cheeks first with a few quick, light-ish slaps to take the initial sting off, then one firmer slap, asking to place it on a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the limit. The next slap is then harder, and ask again. If the first one is a 4, and the next one is an 8, it'll give you some idea of how much further you can go before reaching the limit. You could try working the questioning into the game to keep things moving along without constantly stopping to check she's ok and disrupting the flow of things. And of course, there's always odd 10.1 to throw in, just to see if she's being honest

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[MasterGrimoir]

My introduction to spanking was from a partner who asked me to spank her and the first time was pathetic because I was far too gentle for her. Our solution was to more or less invent the traffic light system for ourselves, I'd swat her harder and harder until she gave me an amber and then I'd keep it just a little harder than that, unless she gave me a green, when I'd up the intensity still further. I never managed a red, I suspect that we would have been at the nasty long lasting marks level and that lay well outside of my comfort zone. Anyway, the method is relatively non obtrusive and you don't have to keep asking, just reach amber and then stay there. For the purists out there it doesn't take long until you don't need the code anymore and for beginners, well it worked for us without a lot of faffing about. Oddly enough the odd tear is not necessarily a sign that you've overdone things, that took a bit of getting used to as well.

 

[StrangeView]

I wonder if my ten might change during the process, I just don't know. Reason suggests at some point and depending on timing, with the way neuro receptors works, would make an eleven or twelve feel like a ten, or conversely, with increased sensitivity a nine might feel a ten. Tbh.....the aim for me is not to think, ( I tend to dwell too much in headspace, part of the reason checking in with ok is very disruptive to me) but I cannot help thinking I might be wondering about this next time.......

Hi Elle, you are correct with that, I've found that my '10' level does change a little during a session, and can change from session to session too, depending on my mood at the time. It does help to establish a reasonable baseline though, especially the first few times, but the occasional revisit to reassess that baseline isn't a bad idea either. After a while, as confidence in each other increases, you'll start to get a feel for where the other person is at, and adjust accordingly. Mistress can judge me perfectly without checking these days, with hand or flogger, and can connect far harder than she used to be able to. Just take your time and enjoy

 

[Tech_Director]

Well done Bard

You began a thread to get some advice and I believe you've gotten a lot from MOST of the people who responded to you.

However, you ALSO created a thread that should prove informative to the community in general, so Kudos to you.

Oh, and one last thing, REMEMBER that we call it PLAYING for a reason so don't get too uptight, and have FUN spanking your girlfriend.

 

[Bramblethorn]

My girlfriend is, er, aroused by the idea of me spanking her. On her butt. Fully exposed. We tried twice, and she had to call it off because I was ruining it by asking if she was okay...

I'm not a hardcore sadist. I can only hit people when I'm pissed off.

Plenty of advice given on the physical side already. Just wanted to say here that tops' boundaries deserve just as much consideration as bottoms'. It's quite reasonable to feel uncomfortable about the idea of hurting somebody!

Sadism while angry (as opposed to play-anger) would generally be a hard limit for me; I like to be very clear on the distinction between the two. I won't say never, but I can't recall hearing about anybody who had positive outcomes from using S&M to settle serious differences.

Just a suggestion, but if you checking in is breaking the mood, perhaps it's worth thinking about ways your girlfriend can communicate positive consent so you don't have to check in? "Thank you, may I please have another?" is a popular one.

I used a variant on this in my "Counting To Eleven": the bottom is told she's going to get spanked twelve times and to count them out loud, but after going one to ten she keeps on saying "Eleven!" to signal she's not done yet.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[Sammael Bard]

Fellow Litsters, she sang the entire soprano last night. She gave me an A, saying that I'll receive the full A+ if she has an orgasm during the spanking session in the future. She loved it and was a bit surprised as she didn't expect me to follow through.


What I did:

Took a deep breath and started slow. The spanks got louder and harder as I got more confident. Used my palm, a little bit cupped, and gave glancing blows at the beginning and got more direct with a slap as the session continued. I also gave a few caresses on her ass and pussy in between to give my palms a break (yeah, it stings) and keep her on edge at the same time.

I got really nervous when I saw the bright red colour and my hand-prints, but I used her body language as my guidance and didn't stop to ask the blatant question. It would've totally destroyed the mood.

Given her obsession with this...thing, I expected an orgasm, but unfortunately she didn't. When I thought that I'd actually start "bruising" her, I rubbed her clit and caressed her ass. She came on my lap (insert a long, glorious moan and loads of shudders). Turned out she would've asked me to stop after a few spanks anyway, so I guess I wasn't wrong with my own judgement and my estimates of her capacity.


How I felt:

Not bad. Not bad at all. I think I got a very good idea of where to stop things during spanking. I gauged her capacity, and will be careful when that stage appears in the future. I thought it'd be a good thing to have a safe word in the future, or an indirect question.

Hurting her isn't what I wanted originally, but something gives her the dirty shivers is definitely something I'd love to give. I think after a few more sessions, sore bums and stinging palms later, I'd be a master of this (every pun intended here).

I felt a lot less uncomfortable when I saw that she was actually enjoying it. I'm sure and believe that I'll get over this uncomfortable feeling in the future.

End. : )



As always, thanks to all those who helped. I've gone through every one of your advices, pondered over it and spanked my own thigh with the mentioned techniques. It was more successful that I had imagined, so in reality, it's Kudos to you guys.

Thanks again.

Plenty of advice given on the physical side already. Just wanted to say here that tops' boundaries deserve just as much consideration as bottoms'. It's quite reasonable to feel uncomfortable about the idea of hurting somebody!

Sadism while angry (as opposed to play-anger) would generally be a hard limit for me; I like to be very clear on the distinction between the two. I won't say never, but I can't recall hearing about anybody who had positive outcomes from using S&M to settle serious differences.

Just a suggestion, but if you checking in is breaking the mood, perhaps it's worth thinking about ways your girlfriend can communicate positive consent so you don't have to check in? "Thank you, may I please have another?" is a popular one.

I used a variant on this in my "Counting To Eleven": the bottom is told she's going to get spanked twelve times and to count them out loud, but after going one to ten she keeps on saying "Eleven!" to signal she's not done yet.

I remember that story. The most funny read amongst your stories and a few others that I liked. : )

I think I will ask her if she's interested in this thing, or the more direct "safe word"

Sadism is difficult to explain, as I've seen both sides of the spectrum: One using Anger, and one using it as a turn-on. But the "angry" ones don't use it that often, they know after a while that it'll escalate into domestic abuse if they keep it up.

They use it as a turn-on most of the times, say 7 out of 10 times, but they do use it to vent out their anger sometimes. So far, none of their subs have left them, and they're going pretty strong. They are the ones who use a safe word, and have a clear cut knowledge of their respective limits.

 

[Learin]

Looks like I'm late to the conversation, but congrats on your successful spanks and getting over your fear.

 

[StrangeView]

So good to hear it went well for you both

Might try the 'Eleven' thing myself; wonder what Mistress will do when she realises I'm misbehaving