MrBates
Professor Perv
- Joined
- Apr 30, 2001
- Posts
- 2,114
Hey Martha....here's how things are in the real world!!!
Martha's Hint #1: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the
bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
Reality: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of
the cone, for Pete's sake, you are probably lying on
the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.
*****
Martha's Hint #2: Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your
pancake batter onto the hot griddle and you'll get
perfectly shaped pancakes every time.
Reality: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the
microwave for 30 seconds. The hard part is getting
them out of the plastic bag.
*****
Martha Hint #3: To keep potatoes from budding, Place
an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
Reality: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it
in the pantry for up to a year.
*****
Martha Hint #4: To prevent egg shells from cracking,
add a pinch of salt to the water before hard boiling.
Reality: Who cares if they crack, aren't you going to
take the shells off anyway?
*****
Martha Hint #5: To get the most juice out of fresh
lemons, bring them to room temperature and roll them
under your palm against the kitchen counter before
squeezing.
Reality: Sleep with the lemons in between the mattress
and box springs.
*****
Martha Hint #6: To easily remove burnt-on food from
your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap
and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to
a boil on stove top.
Reality: Eat at Chili's every night and avoid cooking.
*****
Martha Hint #7: Spray your Tupperware with nonstick
cooking spray before pouring in tomato based sauces
and there won't be any stains.
Reality: Feed your garbage disposal and there won't be
any leftovers.
*****
Martha Hint #8: When a cake recipe calls for flouring
the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead
and there won't be any white mess on the outside of
the cake.
Reality: Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for
you.
*****
Martha Hint #9: If you accidentally over salt a dish
while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and
it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me
up"
Reality: If you over salt a dish while you are cooking,
that's too damn bad. My motto: I made it and you will
eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes.
*****
Martha Hint #10: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when
putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for
weeks.
Reality: Celery?
*****
Martha Hint #11: Brush some beaten egg white over pie
crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy
finish.
Reality: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not
include brushing egg whites over the crust and so I
don't do it.
*****
Martha Hint #12: Place a slice of apple in hardened
brown sugar to soften it.
Reality: Brown sugar is supposed to be "soft"?
*****
Martha Hint #13: When boiling corn on the cob, add a
pinch of sugar to help bring out the corn's natural
sweetness.
Reality: The only kind of corn I buy comes in a can.
*****
Martha Hint #14: To determine whether an egg is
fresh, immerse it in a pan of cool, salted water. If
it sinks, it is fresh, but if it rises to the surface,
throw it away.
Reality: Eat, cook, or use the egg anyway. If you feel
bad later, you will know it wasn't fresh.
*****
Martha Hint #15: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut
it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing
will go away.
Reality: Martha, dear, the only reason this works is
because you can't rub a lime on your forehead without
getting lime juice in your eye, and then the problem
isn't the headache anymore, it is because you are now
blind.
*****
Martha Hint #16: Don't throw out all that leftover
wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in
casseroles and sauces.
Reality: Leftover wine?
*****
Martha Hint #17: If you have a problem opening jars:
Try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non
slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
Reality: Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.
*****
Martha Hint #18: Potatoes will take food stains off
your fingers. Just slice and rub raw potato on the
stains and rinse with water.
Reality: Mashed potatoes will now be replacing the
antibacterial soap in the handy dispenser next to my
sink.
*****
Martha Hint #19: Now look what you can do with Alka
Seltzer.
* Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets,
wait twenty minutes, brush and flush. The citric acid
and effervescent action clean vitreous China.
* Clean a vase. To remove a stain from the bottom of a
glass vase or cruet, fill with water and drop in two
Alka-Seltzer tablets.
* Polish jewelry. Drop two Alka-Seltzer tablets into a
glass of water and immerse the jewelry for two
minutes.
* Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with water,
drop in four Alka-Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an
hour (or longer, if necessary).
Reality: Put your jewelry, vases, and thermos in the
toilet. Add some Alka-Seltzer and you have solved a
whole bunch of problems at once.
Martha's Hint #1: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the
bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
Reality: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of
the cone, for Pete's sake, you are probably lying on
the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.
*****
Martha's Hint #2: Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your
pancake batter onto the hot griddle and you'll get
perfectly shaped pancakes every time.
Reality: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the
microwave for 30 seconds. The hard part is getting
them out of the plastic bag.
*****
Martha Hint #3: To keep potatoes from budding, Place
an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
Reality: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it
in the pantry for up to a year.
*****
Martha Hint #4: To prevent egg shells from cracking,
add a pinch of salt to the water before hard boiling.
Reality: Who cares if they crack, aren't you going to
take the shells off anyway?
*****
Martha Hint #5: To get the most juice out of fresh
lemons, bring them to room temperature and roll them
under your palm against the kitchen counter before
squeezing.
Reality: Sleep with the lemons in between the mattress
and box springs.
*****
Martha Hint #6: To easily remove burnt-on food from
your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap
and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to
a boil on stove top.
Reality: Eat at Chili's every night and avoid cooking.
*****
Martha Hint #7: Spray your Tupperware with nonstick
cooking spray before pouring in tomato based sauces
and there won't be any stains.
Reality: Feed your garbage disposal and there won't be
any leftovers.
*****
Martha Hint #8: When a cake recipe calls for flouring
the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead
and there won't be any white mess on the outside of
the cake.
Reality: Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for
you.
*****
Martha Hint #9: If you accidentally over salt a dish
while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and
it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me
up"
Reality: If you over salt a dish while you are cooking,
that's too damn bad. My motto: I made it and you will
eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes.
*****
Martha Hint #10: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when
putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for
weeks.
Reality: Celery?
*****
Martha Hint #11: Brush some beaten egg white over pie
crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy
finish.
Reality: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not
include brushing egg whites over the crust and so I
don't do it.
*****
Martha Hint #12: Place a slice of apple in hardened
brown sugar to soften it.
Reality: Brown sugar is supposed to be "soft"?
*****
Martha Hint #13: When boiling corn on the cob, add a
pinch of sugar to help bring out the corn's natural
sweetness.
Reality: The only kind of corn I buy comes in a can.
*****
Martha Hint #14: To determine whether an egg is
fresh, immerse it in a pan of cool, salted water. If
it sinks, it is fresh, but if it rises to the surface,
throw it away.
Reality: Eat, cook, or use the egg anyway. If you feel
bad later, you will know it wasn't fresh.
*****
Martha Hint #15: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut
it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing
will go away.
Reality: Martha, dear, the only reason this works is
because you can't rub a lime on your forehead without
getting lime juice in your eye, and then the problem
isn't the headache anymore, it is because you are now
blind.
*****
Martha Hint #16: Don't throw out all that leftover
wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in
casseroles and sauces.
Reality: Leftover wine?
*****
Martha Hint #17: If you have a problem opening jars:
Try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non
slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
Reality: Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.
*****
Martha Hint #18: Potatoes will take food stains off
your fingers. Just slice and rub raw potato on the
stains and rinse with water.
Reality: Mashed potatoes will now be replacing the
antibacterial soap in the handy dispenser next to my
sink.
*****
Martha Hint #19: Now look what you can do with Alka
Seltzer.
* Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets,
wait twenty minutes, brush and flush. The citric acid
and effervescent action clean vitreous China.
* Clean a vase. To remove a stain from the bottom of a
glass vase or cruet, fill with water and drop in two
Alka-Seltzer tablets.
* Polish jewelry. Drop two Alka-Seltzer tablets into a
glass of water and immerse the jewelry for two
minutes.
* Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with water,
drop in four Alka-Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an
hour (or longer, if necessary).
Reality: Put your jewelry, vases, and thermos in the
toilet. Add some Alka-Seltzer and you have solved a
whole bunch of problems at once.
