Married to your Mistress??

[silat]

So, like the title says I am married to my Mistress. We have been Domme/sub for going on 6 years and She is now interested in taking on a second boi. We were both BDSM virgins when we met and together we discovered what we liked and disliked.

My question is how do those of you who are married to your Top's handle the emotions and feelings that a second boi/girl raise? Is your BDSM relationship sexual in nature and if so how do you deal with the ideas that your Top will be having sexual interactions with the other submissive?

These issues and more are being brought to the forefront due to my Top's interest in a second boi and I was wondering how other people in the same situation handle things.

Thank you all in advance for your input, it is really appreciated.

 

[seaturtle50]

A good question

While there are probably as many answers to this as there are individuals, I will be happy to share my own with you.

In the way that I like to think about it - if your Domme chooses to have intercourse or other sexual contact, and or another sub to service her/you - that is really none of your concern. She is obviously the one most suited to know what is best for you, and for her. I would like to think that the proper sub would be quite grateful to his/her Domme for even allowing you to be in their life, let alone allowing you sexual contact and Marriage to her.

There is a certain deliciousness to the pain that you may feel - and I suggest that you use it to further "hone" your submissive nature. To continue to "submit" yourself to her wants/needs. Is it not even that much more beautiful when the thing that you chose to submit to is one that may cause you to feel serious feelings, and therefore bring a new "reality" to your submissiveness? To your relationship with her?

I suggest that you do your best to get your mind around the fact that if you attempt to submit to her to a level that "only her wants and desires matter" you will be giving her a precious gift. Imagine if you were able to subjugate your feelings and emotions about a second or third sub (or even more for that matter), caring only for her pleasure and happiness. Can you imagine that the internal "pain" can be as beautiful and pleasurable to you as any other type of physical or emotional pain that she may chose to inflict?

Of course, my answer supposes certain things about your relationship with your beautiful Domme that may or may not be true. It does however appear that she loves you - and chose to allow you to marry her, and therefore it is likely that she has your best interest at heart in all matters. Can you trust her enough? Is that not the real question?

So - It is my hope for you that you will use this as the perfect opportunity to truly surrender your will to her. Or perhaps I should say take your submission to a new level. I love to think of the goal as "surrendering utterly" Do you suppose you are capable of that?

Imagine her smile if you went to her and confessed your desire to please only her. To subject yourself to her will and her whim, regardless of what that meant for you or your "feelings" Can you see the smile that could bring to her face, and her heart? If you find yourself weak in this regard, and unable to endure the feelings/emotions that it brings to you - go to her still with the same confession and beg her for her tender correction until you are more perfect for her.

Seaturtle50

 

[Ma Petite]

In the way that I like to think about it - if your Domme chooses to have intercourse or other sexual contact, and or another sub to service her/you - that is really none of your concern. She is obviously the one most suited to know what is best for you, and for her. I would like to think that the proper sub would be quite grateful to his/her Domme for even allowing you to be in their life, let alone allowing you sexual contact and Marriage to her.

Even supposing certain things about your relationship, such as that she is the one most suited to know what is best for you, do not think so much of this as being a bad thing. Unless you did somthing bad, it should be fairly certain she still treasures you most dearly. You are her first, her strongest and her most faithful sub, that says something. I agree with seaturtle that you need to trust your dom, but as I am one who submits slightly to the fact that very few subs truely have no emotions but that in which their dom gives them, i will tell you this.
Doing something with another, even if it just a tease and having them submit to your will, pleasure themself infront of you or even make you feel ontop of the world, you return to your favorite with a new found passion or energy, even if its not noticable, you desire them even more. This may or may not be the case for your dom, but as her sub, trust her. Its not the best to complain, but you are human, and i'm a bit more lieniant on what's mine for i feel it makes them more loyal.

Submit to her will, and tell her you trust her. As you were her first, and only, its about time she wishes to have more excitement and try new things that she has never gotten to before. You may wish you could do everything for her that would make happy, but sometimes that everything includes doing nothing, sitting back and letting someone else come in.

Remember, she did marry you, you are her first, and if she is a good dom, she really does know what is best for both of you.
-Tears

 

[heckle]

Let me preface my post by saying that I am not a Domme. I am a Dom. But, I am married to my slave. We were married before we started into this lifestyle. When we staretd, we spoke about it in some detail. We discussed expectations and limits. We play with others and do not include sex into our bdsm play. There are some who cannto do that. They think that sex has to go with bdsm. And for them, thats fine. We practice bdsm on a more spiritual level. It is more about service and discipline then sexuality. When we settled down and wrote up our contract, we included one clause in it and we both agreed on it. And that clause was that our marriage would come before any bdsm lifestyle. Meaning that we would both respect the sanctity or our marriage.

What type of boi is she looking for? Is she looking for one as a service slave? Or is she looking for another sexual partner for herself or for you or both? Have you both discussed it? Bringing in another person is not as easy as it may sound. I know a Domme who has multiple slaves and there is never any sexual activity between them.

 

[amasterfound]

Me and my Master has set down and discussed this too. We have set up certain thing that are to remain just for us to share. That would make me feel like he stilled loved me and not trying to replace me. I ahave agreed to keep certain thing between just us to so that he know that I am not trying to replace him when and if we involve others.

 

[silat]

What type of boi is she looking for? Is she looking for one as a service slave? Or is she looking for another sexual partner for herself or for you or both? Have you both discussed it? Bringing in another person is not as easy as it may sound. I know a Domme who has multiple slaves and there is never any sexual activity between them.

Well to answer your questions, she is looking to train a vanilla "good boi" to be subserviant to a womans needs and desires. She wants to train him to please her in every way i.e. sexualy, mentaly and in service.
We have discussed it in detail for several weeks, bordering on a month now before anything other than an exploritory Munch meeting has happened. I am not interested in being physical with this boi as he is not the type that I am attracted to, however being with another boi she trains is not out of the question.

As far as seaturtle50's responce goes, my relationship with my Mistress is more of a husband that submits than a submissive that is married. I have tried to look at it from the pov that submitting to her every desire makes our relationship stronger because she is the Top, however we do not have a 24/7 contracted relationship, more of a She is Dominant and i am submissive.

Thanks to everyone who has taken the time to respond, i really appreciate it.
If anyone is interested I will take the time and keep this thread going with periodic updates.

 

[Ma Petite]

Its good to hear you are going to give updates, keeps the mind from wondering too much. ^_^ Thanks!

 

[catalina_francisco]

It is not an easy situation to deal with unless there is much communication, understanding, and most of all, honesty. For us it is a matter of there might be others included in play, sexual and otherwise, but what we share between us cannot and will not be duplicated with others. It has taken a long time and lots of work for us to arrive at a place where we feel comfortable and secure in this decision, and there may be some strong reasons for adding others to the mix at some point, but always the primary relationship and bond we have will be protected. There is also the added security of the fact we also are married which adds another dimension not shared by anyone else. I guess some might think there is no guarantee another will not come along to threaten that bond, but for our thinking, we have both searched long and hard to find each other so are not stupid enough to think it can be found elsewhere or thrown away carelessly. Good luck with your own situation.

Catalina

 

[silat]

It is not an easy situation to deal with unless there is much communication, understanding, and most of all, honesty. For us it is a matter of there might be others included in play, sexual and otherwise, but what we share between us cannot and will not be duplicated with others. It has taken a long time and lots of work for us to arrive at a place where we feel comfortable and secure in this decision, and there may be some strong reasons for adding others to the mix at some point, but always the primary relationship and bond we have will be protected. There is also the added security of the fact we also are married which adds another dimension not shared by anyone else. I guess some might think there is no guarantee another will not come along to threaten that bond, but for our thinking, we have both searched long and hard to find each other so are not stupid enough to think it can be found elsewhere or thrown away carelessly. Good luck with your own situation.

Catalina

If I didn't know better I'd accuse you of being my Wife. Thats exactly what she said lastnight as we were talking more about Her desire to train a second boi.
Wow, I'm glad that we aren't the only people who have had to make sure that the lines of communication remain open and used.
Thank you for your answer, it really helps to see how others have handled things like this before
*hugs* to everyone who's responded, thank you

 

[Etoile]

Me and my Master has set down and discussed this too. We have set up certain thing that are to remain just for us to share. That would make me feel like he stilled loved me and not trying to replace me. I ahave agreed to keep certain thing between just us to so that he know that I am not trying to replace him when and if we involve others.

This is something that I am doing right now too. I had been involved with my wife for five years and my Daddy for two years when we became a triad three years ago. I asked to have something special that would be just between Daddy and me. There is no legal relationship between the three of us (my wife and I have a notarized domestic partner form because she used to work for a company that offered those benefits, but that's it) but because I am the one who had BOTH prior relationships I find that I need reassurance from both parties that I am still of value. Originally Daddy was only going to put a collar on me, and not my wife. Then Daddy was never going to mark her. I don't think there's been any collar action, but I know she is being marked and this is making me sad. So I think that having something separate that is just for me is extremely important, and I'm trying to figure out what else it could be. I'm thinking it will end up being something like language and roles though.
*ponders*

 

[silat]

So I thought I'd post an update:

After hosting a purity test party a little over a week ago now with a poly couple, two other friends and Mistresses second boi he chickened out.
I retired from the party early as I had to work that morning and again the next and Mistress and her toy went into the basement to discuss his test and application. He became cheeky and attempted to fondle Mistress with out her permission so she ordered him to kneel over the arm of the couch and began to spank him, lightly or so She says, with a soft suede flogger. Apparently this was too much for him in combination with the poly talk and the obvious hints of interaction between Mistress, myself and him. ( I know I'm not interested in him, but what Mistress says goes. Besides, I might find it an interesting punishment to be forced to service someone I don't find attractive. )
To make a long and boring story short he chickened out. With no responce to emails, phonecalls Mistress has decided that he is not worth the effort and time that he seems to require.

Not that that's the end of the story though. Mistress has expressed a desire for me to assist in choosing her next second. This is going to be interesting and I will definatly keep everone posted (pun intended)
Thank you to everyone who comented and thanks for your insights.

 

[Etoile]

Tsk! Not returning phone calls is a silly way to handle such a situation. I did it with my very first boyfriend ever (we had exactly one date and it was awful) but I was 14 at the time. Adults should have a little more maturity.

 

[silat]

Tsk! Not returning phone calls is a silly way to handle such a situation. I did it with my very first boyfriend ever (we had exactly one date and it was awful) but I was 14 at the time. Adults should have a little more maturity.

Quoted for truthery
The funny part is that for all his talk of being able to handle being a married womans second boi and acting like the big shot when he was actualy confronted with his lack of respect for Mistress as well as scening his ego shrank like a cock in an ice cold lake
Apparently his eyes are bigger than his emotionaly ability to deal. It's his loss really as Mistress is a wonderful Top and lover. She really does complete me.
*swoons*

 

[catalina_francisco]

So I thought I'd post an update:

After hosting a purity test party a little over a week ago now with a poly couple, two other friends and Mistresses second boi he chickened out.
I retired from the party early as I had to work that morning and again the next and Mistress and her toy went into the basement to discuss his test and application. He became cheeky and attempted to fondle Mistress with out her permission so she ordered him to kneel over the arm of the couch and began to spank him, lightly or so She says, with a soft suede flogger. Apparently this was too much for him in combination with the poly talk and the obvious hints of interaction between Mistress, myself and him. ( I know I'm not interested in him, but what Mistress says goes. Besides, I might find it an interesting punishment to be forced to service someone I don't find attractive. )
To make a long and boring story short he chickened out. With no responce to emails, phonecalls Mistress has decided that he is not worth the effort and time that he seems to require.

Not that that's the end of the story though. Mistress has expressed a desire for me to assist in choosing her next second. This is going to be interesting and I will definatly keep everone posted (pun intended)
Thank you to everyone who comented and thanks for your insights.

Finding others to play with and who can be trusted and reliable is difficult. We have had our fair share of the same problem and come to the conclusion there are a lot of people out there who can talk big, but when it comes to the bottom line they disappear into the dust. That being said, F also asked for my assistance and though the one I found had a slight problem when the crunch came, overall he is committed as far as he can and is counting the time until we can get back together for another session. It takes a lot of hard work and patience that's for sure.

Catalina