Married Posters

[BigGuyPA44]

Discreet

Selfishly, I just want another man and to have him be my perfect dirty little secret.

as it should be in most cases

B

 

[puno]

Selfishly, I just want another man and to have him be my perfect dirty little secret.

Now I understand the dilema... I had experience with both, her's and mine. Can be quite enjoyable as long as the secret wants to be just that a secret... oops almost fogot the best part 'a dirty little secret!'

 

[gttnout]

I have been married for a long time. My wife does not know, and does not need to know. It hasn't helped our relationship any. But I can pass ideas and info onto friends of mine. I would like to flirt and tease! Thats harmless isnt it?? And if by chance, any of you fine women in my area want to meet. All is cool.
My wife and I are really good friends, and thats about it. Wouldn't change that. But no physical contact, or desire on her acount has left me dry. And somewhat wanting the company of someone who wants me back. I'm sure I'm not the only one . So, ho,hum!!

 

[gttnout]

Selfishly, I just want another man and to have him be my perfect dirty little secret.

How far is Jersey from Wisconsin??? You hit it right on the head!!!
Err, the pet thing. no guys for me thanxs!!!

 

[_pebbles]

Selfishly, I just want another man and to have him be my perfect dirty little secret.

No matter how much I want this, I realize I've wasted so much time hoping for something that will never be. Hubby and I are not intimate on a frequent basis and this makes me feel like shit. For whatever reason, my sexuality and self esteem are directly wired. He doesn't desire me and I just feel like some sort of hideous monster. I see men look at me ... they never, ever approach me. A man has never, ever approached me my whole life. I initiated contact with hubby way-back-when. I run and work out to try to relieve stress ... in an attempt to somehow make me feel good about myself. I'm 32 now and think it's finally sinking in that no matter how hard I try, I'm never going to feel like a beautiful woman. All the working out makes me feel strong, but not pretty, not desired.

 

[drlust]

Don't give up...

Pebbles...

Don't sell yourself short. A woman who is sensual, regardless of what she looks like is attractive. It's not what you look like, it's the aura you give off. I don't know you, of course (although from that half picture you post with your messages I'd sure like to, lol), but if I had to hazard a guess, I'd say you aren't giving off the right vibes when you are around men. Could it be that you worry about rejection and so give off the "I'm not available" vibe so that you won't be rejected? Many years ago my father advised me that if I was attracted to a woman but she gave off that particular vibe, that I should try two or three times to get past it...that she might just be protecting herself. I followed that advice and found myself in many very enjoyable relationships as a result. You don't need to ask a man out...you just need to indicate by word, or flutter of the eyelids, or by giving him just a bit more of a peek down your shirt than would be normal in the situation you are in, that you are interested. Most men have a strong and immediate reaction in the vicinity of their waist to a woman who displays interest...I'll bet you get some responses that way.

Allan

 

[BigGuyPA44]

you need something...

No matter how much I want this, I realize I've wasted so much time hoping for something that will never be. Hubby and I are not intimate on a frequent basis and this makes me feel like shit. For whatever reason, my sexuality and self esteem are directly wired. He doesn't desire me and I just feel like some sort of hideous monster. I see men look at me ... they never, ever approach me. A man has never, ever approached me my whole life. I initiated contact with hubby way-back-when. I run and work out to try to relieve stress ... in an attempt to somehow make me feel good about myself. I'm 32 now and think it's finally sinking in that no matter how hard I try, I'm never going to feel like a beautiful woman. All the working out makes me feel strong, but not pretty, not desired.

Darling Pebbles,

When I first looked at this, I though " you need some couselling...you and your hubby", but then it occured to me that you need someone who will want to make you happier, feel better, and satisfy your needs.

May I suggest a discreet affair with a mature married man...about 6'3" and over 200 lbs, with dirty blond hair and blue eyes...who lives far enough away not to be disruptive to your routine, but likes to travel to NJ and relax at the beach and enjoys other things when you cannot be together...but will make every effort to pleasure you when you can be with him.

Good luck!

B

 

[voir]

No matter how much I want this, I realize I've wasted so much time hoping for something that will never be. Hubby and I are not intimate on a frequent basis and this makes me feel like shit. For whatever reason, my sexuality and self esteem are directly wired. He doesn't desire me and I just feel like some sort of hideous monster. I see men look at me ... they never, ever approach me. A man has never, ever approached me my whole life. I initiated contact with hubby way-back-when. I run and work out to try to relieve stress ... in an attempt to somehow make me feel good about myself. I'm 32 now and think it's finally sinking in that no matter how hard I try, I'm never going to feel like a beautiful woman. All the working out makes me feel strong, but not pretty, not desired.

That's an issue a lot of people face. To my way of thinking there are several issues confused here, the most important being that you want someone or something to "complete" you or make you happy. That'll never happen. Whether you're talking about sex as acceptance, food as happiness or drugs as escape it's all the same root problem. You need to find ways for you to feel good about yourself. Even if you got the desired thing, whatever it might be, it will only be a temporary distraction at best. Only, in my experience, by recognizing the thoughts you have that are creating the root of your suffering, and correcting that root problem, will find release from your self-image issues.

I've known heavy women who were so comfortable with themselves that they were extremely sensual and skinny crack-whores (I'm not exagerating) so nasty I wouldn't even say more than hello. It's not about the body you have - even if you were magically transformed into some model's body it would decay with age and you'd be in the same place as you are now. It's about listening to your thoughts as they bounce around in your head and recognizing those that cause you suffering. Find those and you'll find the solution to them. Then it's a question of determination not to suffer any more. These thoughts cause you pain, and you don't like suffering (by definition), and that can be at least the beginnings of your motivation to follow through with the solution to your problem(s).

I don't mean to sound preachy or something. I've heard and seen this sort of suffering so often that I wanted to offer what help I can. You've got everything you need and I'm only hoping I can help you recognize that. Take care.

 

[flyrv9]

Pebbles, it seems to me if your husband doesn't desire you - that's his problem. You do have to decide what to do about it. I feel sometimes women are too quick to accept balme for problems like this. I'm sure, as others here have said, you are certianly a desireable woman. Perhaps men don't approach you because they see or know you are married and are respecting that. I think it will require some action on your part to solve this problem. If it were me, I would not stay with a person who didn't desire me. I realize there may be other issues to consider, but the bottom line is that you are one who will have to initiate change if you want things to get better.

 

[puno]

No matter how much I want this, I realize I've wasted so much time hoping for something that will never be. Hubby and I are not intimate on a frequent basis and this makes me feel like shit. For whatever reason, my sexuality and self esteem are directly wired. He doesn't desire me and I just feel like some sort of hideous monster. I see men look at me ... they never, ever approach me. A man has never, ever approached me my whole life. I initiated contact with hubby way-back-when. I run and work out to try to relieve stress ... in an attempt to somehow make me feel good about myself. I'm 32 now and think it's finally sinking in that no matter how hard I try, I'm never going to feel like a beautiful woman. All the working out makes me feel strong, but not pretty, not desired.

Hmmm... Ok you are right hoping doesn't get you much. However, I have to agree with Voir you can not rely on someone else to complete you. That is up to you, you must complete yourself. Tie your self esteem to how you feel not how you think people preceive you. You'll be surprised how people look at you when you start realizing that your happiness depends on you and not on outside forces.

People who rely on their happiness on others often find themselves searching for the holy grail and often find themselves going from one relationship to another with out much satisfication.

Oh gees got up on a soap box again... I'm sorry... Hey Pebbles I think you'll find it with out having to look any further than yourself. And when you get it, you won't believe how many people will want to be with you because of....you.

 

[HeathRowinOhio]

Nothing wrong with a few secrets...

Pebbles,

Nothing wrong being on here and if he has lost interest in you, he must be nuts or wired incrrectly...

 

[_pebbles]

I'm worried that the marriage is failing. Sex is a big deal to me. I understand couples have different sex drives....but I'm younger than him ... sex is not over for me yet. Can anyone really sacrafice sex for love? I'm not sure I can. The fact that I always have to initiate has lost it's charm. I need a man to grab me, tell me that I'm beautiful and fuck me where I stand ... and then proceed on to every other room in the house.

Pebbles,

Nothing wrong being on here and if he has lost interest in you, he must be nuts or wired incrrectly...

 

[_pebbles]

Hmmm... Ok you are right hoping doesn't get you much. However, I have to agree with Voir you can not rely on someone else to complete you. That is up to you, you must complete yourself. Tie your self esteem to how you feel not how you think people preceive you. You'll be surprised how people look at you when you start realizing that your happiness depends on you and not on outside forces.

People who rely on their happiness on others often find themselves searching for the holy grail and often find themselves going from one relationship to another with out much satisfication.

:

Thank you for your thoughts, puno. For the past 7 years I've drawn from my inner strength to get through so many things. I think part of my addiction to working out is because I want a tough outer shell as well. This toughness has helped up till now. I associate moments of weakness as failure and that's no good in my book.

 

[steak100]

I have many of your same thoughts

The reverse is the set-up here. Wife has lost most interest and I'm left to figure things out.

 

[Chi-Guy31]

I'm worried that the marriage is failing. Sex is a big deal to me. I understand couples have different sex drives....but I'm younger than him ... sex is not over for me yet. Can anyone really sacrafice sex for love? I'm not sure I can. The fact that I always have to initiate has lost it's charm. I need a man to grab me, tell me that I'm beautiful and fuck me where I stand ... and then proceed on to every other room in the house.

I can sympathize with your feelings on initiation. I love my wife dearly, she is my best friend, but as for sex I have been the initiator for so long now, it does get tiring, which I have mentioned. She says she will initiate, but then I get tired of waiting days for this to happen and end up asking all over again. As I noted way back in this thread, she has some back/neck pain issues which do limit our physical activities but it would still be nice to have her proposotion me, grab me by the balls or throw me down and straddle my cock once in awhile!

 

[CUBANMALE]

Hi

WMM 44 yo from South Florida.
Lit is entertaining to me, I mostly lurk around and read some of the threads. This one is interesting, and my wife does not know that I visit this site. As a matter of fact, I only do it from my work/office.

 

[lowbro]

I'm worried that the marriage is failing. Sex is a big deal to me. I understand couples have different sex drives....but I'm younger than him ... sex is not over for me yet. Can anyone really sacrafice sex for love? I'm not sure I can. The fact that I always have to initiate has lost it's charm. I need a man to grab me, tell me that I'm beautiful and fuck me where I stand ... and then proceed on to every other room in the house.

It's all so sad. I remember the good ole days of exploration, the tingle of flesh meeting flesh, the absolute sexual desire we once had for each other. Where did it all go? Was it time that was the enemy? Did having kids totally end any and all physical relations? My wife, a few days ago, revealed to me that she had recently had a conversation with her mother about her lack of sexual motivation. Her mother revealed to her that she and her other two daughters had also lost the strong sexual drive that they each individually had at one time early in their lives. This has made us suspect that possibly this could be hereditary. While this goes on in her family, the total reverse and exact opposite holds true for the whole of my family of sex-o-holics. Tis a shame that I couldnt have found this out till way too late in the game to start anew.

 

[puno]

Thank you for your thoughts, puno. For the past 7 years I've drawn from my inner strength to get through so many things. I think part of my addiction to working out is because I want a tough outer shell as well. This toughness has helped up till now. I associate moments of weakness as failure and that's no good in my book.

hmmm... I can sympathize with you, we all have demons to deal with, there are many here that are in similiar circumstances.

Can you have sex with out love or love without sex? Yes you can, but its human nature to want both, if sex is so bad then why the hell does it feel so good!

Can you have a good sex life will maintaining a marriage that is lacking it? Unfortunately that is different for each individual. What I do know is that you need to right your ship, make sure you do not depend on some one else for your happiness.

Sorry guys if I sound like Dr Phil (I can't stand him ) but I've live this before it isn't easy.

 

[babydoll2u]

I'm worried that the marriage is failing. Sex is a big deal to me. I understand couples have different sex drives....but I'm younger than him ... sex is not over for me yet. Can anyone really sacrafice sex for love? I'm not sure I can. The fact that I always have to initiate has lost it's charm. I need a man to grab me, tell me that I'm beautiful and fuck me where I stand ... and then proceed on to every other room in the house.

pebbles.. I understand what you're saying. Sex was over for us for almost 2 years before we finally divorced and it took something extremely drastic for me to divorce him even then.
He, too, was older than I... much older.

So, have you come to any conclusions since your last post?

 

[Blues]

No matter how much I want this, I realize I've wasted so much time hoping for something that will never be. Hubby and I are not intimate on a frequent basis and this makes me feel like shit. For whatever reason, my sexuality and self esteem are directly wired. He doesn't desire me and I just feel like some sort of hideous monster. I see men look at me ... they never, ever approach me. A man has never, ever approached me my whole life. I initiated contact with hubby way-back-when. I run and work out to try to relieve stress ... in an attempt to somehow make me feel good about myself. I'm 32 now and think it's finally sinking in that no matter how hard I try, I'm never going to feel like a beautiful woman. All the working out makes me feel strong, but not pretty, not desired.

Hey Pebbles, I can feel what you are going through. My wife and I are now on the twice a month schedule. I don't like it I feel lonely and resentful. For you it seems the working out is a substitute, for me I enjoy online activities like Ebay, fantasy baseball, & listening to music, or going to the gym after work. I look fordward to being with a few friends after work once in a while for a quick drink or 2, I like the clossness I'm not getting at home.

Sometimes it easier to open when you are sitting at the keyboard, sometimes the coldness of like makes you put up that hard/tough exterior that hides the great person inside.

This Jersey boy wishes he had found a Jersey girl like you, seems like we have a lot in common.

Feel good about yourself. You can't change other people, they just change themselfs, and a lot of times become somebody very different from the person you were originally attracted to.

Wishing you the best.

Human Touch - Bruce Springsteen

You and me we were the pretenders
We let it all slip away
In the end what you don't surrender
Well the world just strips away

Girl, ain't no kindness in the face of strangers
Ain't gonna find no miracles here
Well you can wait on your blesses my darlin'
But I got a deal for you right here

I ain't lookin' for praise or pity
I ain't comin' 'round searchin' for a crutch
I just want someone to talk to
And a little of that Human Touch
Just a little of that Human Touch

Ain't no mercy on the streets of this town
Ain't no bread from heavenly skies
Ain't nobody drawin' wine from this blood
It's just you and me tonight

Tell me, in a world without pity
Do you think what I'm askin's too much
I just want something to hold on to
And a little of that Human Touch
Just a little of that Human Touch

Oh girl that feeling of safety you prize
Well it comes at a hard hard price
You can't shut off the risk and the pain
Without losin' the love that remains
We're all riders on this train

So you've been broken and you've been hurt
Show me somebody who ain't
Yeah, I know I ain't nobody's bargain
But, hell, a little touchup
and a little paint...

You might need somethin' to hold on to
When all the answers, they don't amount to much
Somebody that you could just to talk to
And a little of that Human Touch

Baby, in a world without pity
Do you think what I'm askin's too much
I just want to feel you in my arms
Share a little of that Human Touch
Feel a little of that Human Touch
Give me a little of that Human Touch

 

[_pebbles]

hmmm... I can sympathize with you, we all have demons to deal with, there are many here that are in similiar circumstances.

Can you have sex with out love or love without sex? Yes you can, but its human nature to want both, if sex is so bad then why the hell does it feel so good!

Can you have a good sex life will maintaining a marriage that is lacking it? Unfortunately that is different for each individual. What I do know is that you need to right your ship, make sure you do not depend on some one else for your happiness.

Sorry guys if I sound like Dr Phil (I can't stand him ) but I've live this before it isn't easy.

I doubt Dr. Phil's getting laid, so his advice means little.

I agree with you on the human nature point. I believe in my mind I could just have sex and it be meaningless. But I don't want sex with a stranger. I'm a passionate woman. I know I would care for my lover on some level. Not the love I have for hubby and but probably more than the popular term, "friend w/benefits".

I've tried to fill my life with things that make me happy ... focusing on my son ... gardening, cooking, reading (yeah, typical mommy stuff). The thing that is lacking is most certainly lust.

 

[_pebbles]

Feel good about yourself. You can't change other people, they just change themselfs, and a lot of times become somebody very different from the person you were originally attracted to.

[/COLOR]

Fellow Bruce fan I'm *trying* to feel good about myself. It's not really a situation where either of us is leaving. I believe in the two parent household. We get along as great friends on every other level. The sex, the lust ... it's just not what it was and being unfulfilled weighs so heavy on my heart. I feel like I'm mourning the loss of our lust and my sexuality. I know he's feeling it too. I know he loves me ... he's going to the doctor later in the month to get Viagra or something like it. I appreciate the gesture. I hope it works .. I hope I get over these feelings of "oh great, he's gotta take a pill just to desire me." I'm lacking in the thinking-positive department recently.

 

[MrFantasyMan]

Fellow Bruce fan I'm *trying* to feel good about myself. It's not really a situation where either of us is leaving. I believe in the two parent household. We get along as great friends on every other level. The sex, the lust ... it's just not what it was and being unfulfilled weighs so heavy on my heart. I feel like I'm mourning the loss of our lust and my sexuality. I know he's feeling it too. I know he loves me ... he's going to the doctor later in the month to get Viagra or something like it. I appreciate the gesture. I hope it works .. I hope I get over these feelings of "oh great, he's gotta take a pill just to desire me." I'm lacking in the thinking-positive department recently.

Pebbles,
The situation is far from being unique...as I am sure you are aware from the other posts here...it just seems, at least to me, that life just has a way of putting up roadblocks for us to overcome. Feeling good about yourself is something only you can do...if we can help, all the better. The sex or lust you refer to is something that is constantly evolving and growing (or perhaps even for some it withers and dies... ) in any relationship and is something in a healthy relationship that both partners need to communicate and work through. In your own words...I KNOW HE LOVES ME...should be more than just words. Together you move forward...divided you splinter and grow apart. The physiological response you both want may be something that cant be corrected until you both get to the cause of the problem...and starting with a medical consultation is a great thing. If there is a medical reason for the lack of response you desire it can, and should, be addressed. If in fact he only needs *the little blue pill* is this such a bad thing . The issue sounds more like you dont believe he WANTS you! You guys need to talk about this!! Talk to each other...I know in my case it turned out the ex told me she never really loved me......I, like you, believe that a healthy relationship has to have sexual intimacy (and yes...it should be good for both of you) and that starts between the ears. It doesnt end with a pill! The pill is nothing more than an aid...and we all need aid at sometime in our lives. Nobody ever said life is easy...but it is partly what you do with it... just my 2 cents worth from another Joisey guy...

 

[BigGuyPA44]

Fellow Bruce fan I'm *trying* to feel good about myself. .. I hope I get over these feelings of "oh great, he's gotta take a pill just to desire me." I'm lacking in the thinking-positive department recently.

yes, I agree you have to get over those feelings! ED is usually not from the lack of desire and his even going to the doctor indicates his desire for you!

Good luck!

B

 

[voir]

yes, I agree you have to get over those feelings! ED is usually not from the lack of desire and his even going to the doctor indicates his desire for you!

Good luck!

B

That's a good point. A few years ago I went through a really stressful period that not only reduced my libido but also compounded it with "performance anxiety". If he's willing to go to the doctor about it maybe he's willing to explore that possibility.