Marital Infidelity and Marital Bliss

[RomanHans]

Hey--here's a somewhat provocative item:

Infidelity: Some Friendly Advice

This is an interview with Shirley Glass, author of the book 'Just Friends,' which is about friendships (especially on-line friendships) turning into affairs. This article includes the following soundbite:

What is the “prevention myth”?
People think having a good marriage will protect them. But in one study I did, 56 percent of the unfaithful men said they were happily married.

So this being Lit--give us some reactions! Are on-line friendships REALLY more threatening to a marriage than past, more traditional affairs? Are happily married (men OR women) doing a lot of the cheating these days? What's the relationship between marital bliss and infidelity, anyhow?

Roman

 

[RomanHans]

Come on--NO ONE found this at all worth a comment?

Roman

 

[watergirl]

Bump!

People are unpredictable. Marriages aren't perfect. How much a threat cyber-cheating would be probably depends a lot on the open-mindedness of the partner being cheated on, if and when they find out.

Violations of trust are hard to overcome. If I had a special someone in my life, I'd be on Lit less, and share it with him, both.

 

[Guest]

Happily married here - almost 16 years. We have a great sex life!!

My husband is my first and best critic of all my erotic stories. He totally approves of (and enjoys) my Literotica adventures.

We don't think cyber chat is cheating but if either of us had sex with someone in real time that would certainly be a loss of trust.

I don't believe that men need to fuck around like rabbits - they can be monogamous if they wish. It is too convenient for some to claim they need to stray instead of taking care of business at home!

Just my two cents -

 

[RoughPlay]

I looked though the Infidelity: Some Friendly Advice article and
would quite like some opinions on the following questions.

> When a person starts sharing their marital dissatisfaction with
> someone other than their spouse. The friend now has a window into
> the marriage, and the spouse has a wall [against] the friendship.
> In a healthy marriage, we open windows to each other and keep walls
> to the outside world.

Do women ever share marital dissatisfaction with their female best
friend(s) ?

If so, are they wrong to do so (this article says they are) ?

 

[Debbie]

If you are in a happy marriage?
Why would someone 'wander' on the net
or in real life?

IMHO it is because they do not have a happy marriage or
are feeling a lack of something in the relationship.
But their are cases where it was 'just sex'. Something I don't
get but have heard.
If it's just sex? Why not seduce your SO?
Why screw around? On the net or otherwise?


I have a happy, healthy marriage yet I still
occasionally talk to my best friend about my
marriage. No intimate details but the odd,
"By crikey if he leaves the loo seat up once more
I might serve him a raw potato as his dinner."

If my marriage was not fulfilling or lacked something?
I would say, "Hey, let's take a break in our marriage."
Or,"I'm sorry. I need to to walk away from this marriage.
I am filing for divorce."

IMHO? No one knows what another persons life is like
till they experience it. I would not cheat. I would end
the marriage and cyber or real life experience my new partner.

Is it wrong to talk to a friend about your marriage?
I don't think so. We all need our friends or support network.

I talk to bigrednz more often than my friends.
He's cool. I'm cool. That's what matters.

 

[juicylips]

I talk to bigrednz more often than my friends.
He's cool. I'm cool. That's what matters.

He's one lucky bastard.

 

[Spinoza]

I agree at what debiexxx was getting at. I think a lot of men would say they are in a happy marriage if the 2 aren't screaming at each other. Heck women are great roomies. There very considerate and in an awful way alot of men feel that equates to happiness. These men wonder on the net looking for something that is missing still describing their marriage as "happy".

I think the real story from the story is how many men arent really in touch with what they want or are unable to verbalize it. This also leads to why there is so many unhappy marriages. (by the way this is 2 way street it applies just as much to women as it does to men)


I think debbiexxx ask the question correctly.

Why would you enter into an intimate conversation with someone on the net if your in a happy marriage.


Spin


Spin

 

[RoughPlay]

Why would you enter into an intimate conversation with someone on the net if your in a happy marriage.

What sort of content makes a conversation intimate as opposed to not
intimate ?

Do the women in 'Sex in the City' have intimate conversations (they
seem quite intimate to me) ?

Are they wrong to have these conversations ?

Do they only have these conversations because they have unhappy
relationships ?

 

[huskie]

Hey--here's a somewhat provocative item:

Infidelity: Some Friendly Advice

This is an interview with Shirley Glass, author of the book 'Just Friends,' which is about friendships (especially on-line friendships) turning into affairs. This article includes the following soundbite:

What is the “prevention myth”?
People think having a good marriage will protect them. But in one study I did, 56 percent of the unfaithful men said they were happily married.

So this being Lit--give us some reactions! Are on-line friendships REALLY more threatening to a marriage than past, more traditional affairs? Are happily married (men OR women) doing a lot of the cheating these days? What's the relationship between marital bliss and infidelity, anyhow?

Roman

Define "Happily Married". I'm sure after some serious thought, these men where NOT realy that happy.

 

[RomanHans]

Re: Re: Marital Infidelity and Marital Bliss

Define "Happily Married". I'm sure after some serious thought, these men where NOT realy that happy.

Also, the author doesn't mention the classic self-reporting error--maybe the men WANT to think that they're happily married, so they can have affairs and not think about getting divorced!

Roman

 

[ethereal~minx]

sorry y'all ~~I didn't read the article *squeezing eyes shut it horror*

ooooh, I thought I was happily married!!!

but boy o boy, I lacked one thing I didn't even realize & that was realness, intimacy.... I'm not talking sex or being turned on because we had a terrific sex life~~ always very very pleased with that but the intimacy, the "into-me-see" was NOT there... and online I found that I hid behind NOTHING... there was no reason not to express myself .. completely open, honest, authentic... of course~~~ oh, way off topic

anyway

yes, I believe online is more of a threat that the old time affairs.

 

[Spinoza]

From RoughPlay
What sort of content makes a conversation intimate as opposed to not intimate ?

Interesting question...what do you think makes it intimate ? Lets just say if its something you cant tell the grocery clerk then its probably intimate.

Do the women in 'Sex in the City' have intimate conversations (they seem quite intimate to me) ?

Ive never seen Sex in the City...but Ill take your word for it that it is.

Are they wrong to have these conversations ?

I dont know If I would characterize it as wrong.....more sad.....sad that they cant share these thoughts and desires with who ever it is there sharing their beds with.

Do they only have these conversations because they have unhappy relationships ?

Dont you think there relationships would be happier if they could share these conversations with there signficant other ?




Spin

 

[ethereal~minx]

intimate is not sexual ...intimacy is realness, honesty, vulnerability, true expression with another person.. that is intimacy~~~ being real, open, like a vulnerable child w/ no fear of judgement ... believing the other person will see into you and see the love in you and even if they do not, just knowing that you are being authentic in who you are... you are being intimate.. you are sharing yourself with them.. which in turn lends them to be more real with you... it takes time but can be done... it takes trust... trusting yourself

 

[RoughPlay]

Thank you Spinoza and ethereal~minx for your thoughts.

> Why would you enter into an intimate conversation with someone
> on the net if your in a happy marriage.

For the same reason that many women have these conversations with
their best friends.


> Dont you think there relationships would be happier if they
> could share these conversations with there signficant other

They should share them with both just like many women do.


> intimacy is realness, honesty, vulnerability, true expression with
> another person.. that is intimacy~~~ being real, open,
> like a vulnerable child w/ no fear of judgement ...

Do you agree this is how many women are with their best friends ?

If you disagree please tell me why. I keep repeating this point
because I feel its not being adequately acknowledged in this thread.


On another thread I was reading recently a woman said that her female
friend often told her she wanted sex about once a day, in contrast to
what her husband was willing to give.

Another woman said she gives relationship advice to her girlfriends.

I feel these are typical of many, if not most, women best friend
conversations. If I am wrong to think this please tell me why.

 

[Spinoza]

we'll give it to you

All right RoughPlay I dont think that anyone would argue against the fact that woman often have intimate and explicit converstations with each other. So yes woman do have intimate conversations with each other. What point are you trying to make if we accept that fact ?



Spin

 

[RoughPlay]

Re: we'll give it to you

Thank you Spinoza for acknowledging this.

I think that if women are allowed to have intimate and explicit
conversations with someone outside of their relationship then
men should also be allowed to have intimate and explicit
conversations with someone outside of their relationship.

Do you agree with this ?
If not why do you disagree ?

 

[peachykeen]

Of course men can have conversations with persons outside their relationship, but the parameters need to be better defined.

Women usually talk to their close girlfriends, and the conversatoin tends to be centered around "how can I make this be better". Now if my husband wanted to have a similar conversation with one of his male buddies, I wouldn't mind in the slightest. But if he just wants to go bithc to some random stranger woman about how he's not satisfied at home, absofuckinglutely not!

 

[huskie]

Re: Re: we'll give it to you

Thank you Spinoza for acknowledging this.

I think that if women are allowed to have intimate and explicit
conversations with someone outside of their relationship then
men should also be allowed to have intimate and explicit
conversations with someone outside of their relationship.

Do you agree with this ?
If not why do you disagree ?

only if he's a Sissy!!!! Gawd!!!! Real don't do this!!!!

 

[Mischka]

Do women ever share marital dissatisfaction with their female best friend(s)?

If I have a marital concern, I discuss it with my husband, not my friends. I can only present one side of the story to a friend, but my husband and I can talk about the entire issue. It takes less time, small issues don't become large ones, and my friends don't get skewed images of my spouse because I spouted off when I was temporarily upset.

I'm not saying that people should not consult with others outside the marriage. But ultimately, the two married people are the ones most concerned with the outcome. Discussing tangential details (as peachykeen mentioned) is different, and a normal part of a friendship.

 

[Spinoza]

I dont think anyone is arguing that you cant have an intimate conversation with someone outside of your relationship.

The problem is when thess outside conversations become the only outlet. How many men and woman come here and chat and tell there inner most desires to some stranger and yet they cant mention a word of this to their partner.


The intimate conversations are not the problem. The situation where you cant share your intimacy with your partner is. So many people pour so much time and emotion into an online life that they arent giving their real relationship its due importance.


Id say more but Im busy

Spin

 

[RomanHans]

I agree with Spin...the point of the article is about whether you can keep an outside intimate relationship with someone of the opposite sex completely secret from your husband or wife, and still claim that you're 'happily married.'

If your spouse is definitely someone who believes ignorance is bliss--and purposely ignores such a relationship--then your spouse probably does know about the relationship, but just refuses to acknowledge it. If your spouse knows about the relationship, and accepts it (either as part of an open marriage or some other arrangement), then it doesn't seem to constitute 'infidelity'--as long as your primary loyalty is to your spouse, not the outside partner.

It's the act of putting up walls within a marriage that would make me question whether both parties in the marriage are really 'happy'...

Roman

 

[RoughPlay]

I dont think anyone is arguing that you cant have an intimate conversation with someone outside of your relationship.

> Why would you enter into an intimate conversation with someone on the
> net if your in a happy marriage.

So I think you're agreeing that it is reasonable for a genuinely happily
married man (or woman) to enter into an intimate conversation with someone
on the net providing they are also sharing intimacy with their partner.

 

[RoughPlay]

Of course men can have conversations with persons outside their relationship, but the parameters need to be better defined.

Women usually talk to their close girlfriends, and the conversatoin tends to be centered around "how can I make this be better". Now if my husband wanted to have a similar conversation with one of his male buddies, I wouldn't mind in the slightest. But if he just wants to go bithc to some random stranger woman about how he's not satisfied at home, absofuckinglutely not!

I believe women also discuss and celebrate positive things with each
other just for the pleasure of sharing their positive experiences.

I think most men would be extremely reluctant to have an intimate
discussion with another man. A man does not normally show his weaknesses
to another man. It would usually be excruciatingly embarrassing for both
of them if he did (as Huskie's last post helps to demonstrate). Saying a
husband is only allowed to speak to his male buddies effectively means
he is not allowed to have an intimate conversation with a friend outside
the marriage. I think this is an unreasonable restriction for a wife to
place on a husband if he wants to have such conversations.

 

[RoughPlay]

ooooh, I thought I was happily married!!!

but boy o boy, I lacked one thing I didn't even realize & that was realness, intimacy.... I'm not talking sex or being turned on because we had a terrific sex life~~ always very very pleased with that but the intimacy, the "into-me-see" was NOT there... and online I found that I hid behind NOTHING... there was no reason not to express myself .. completely open, honest, authentic... of course~~~ oh, way off topic

anyway

yes, I believe online is more of a threat that the old time affairs.

I think this is an important point and very relevant to both
online friendships and online affairs.

I think it is far far easier to be completely open, honest,
authentic... online than it is in real life.

A person has little or nothing to lose, its anonymous, they can
walk away from it and come back to it at their leisure, its
distant and remote, they don't have to experience potential
disapproval in the other persons face/body language/tone of
voice, etc, etc.

I think the ease with which a person can be open is one of the
main appeals of online friendships. Being open can very satisfying
plus it can be very interesting and informative to see what the
other person says.

Once a person has practiced being open online and has gained
experience, confidence and strength from doing so then it can
be much easier for them to start being open in real life too.

This is one of the big payoffs that intimate online friendships
can give and I think they should be encouraged not suppressed.