Making the Leap to Real Life....

[LillyOfTheValley]

Hey everyone. I'm Lilly, a 20 year old college student who has been interested in BDSM for some time. However, my interest has been limited to stories and real time chats, nothing in real life. I want to meet someone who can work with me in showing me a little bit more about this lifestyle, but I'm not sure how to go about it.

My issue is that I have virtually no experience with anything, sexual or otherwise. As in, the furthest I've ever gone is second base. I'm not sure if BDSM is something I should look into or if I should instead try and meet other people and get a little experience of regular vanilla first. I would greatly appreciate some advice on how to find someone close to my age who is also interested in the lifestyle but also interested in building a relationship first before moving into a sexual component.

I'm sorry if this post comes off as naive and uninformed, but I'm trying to keep my head up in a very deep pool full of mystery and possibilities.

Thanks.

~Lilly

 

[Stella_Omega]

Hi Lily!
Your question is one of those "it depends" answer things. And it depends on you, what you need.

I will tell you that-- for myself-- there was not one sexual encounter ever in my life that did not have some sort of BDSM component, even if it was only in my imagination. That's how fundamental my sexual needs are for me.

On the other hand, I have had mostly egalitarian relationships, and kept D/s dynamics limited to specific times and places.

One thing about jumping into D/s as a young woman is that we tend to lock ourselves into a role and we expect that's going to be for life. I worry that a lot of submissive women have cut off a lot of growth possibility by assuming they are submissive *because* they are female-- it's not always so. Please read the sparkly essay linked in my signature, and see if it rings any bells for you.

 

[LillyOfTheValley]

Stella, thank you very much for your response and your information. It was very helpful, especially your essay! I never knew the distinction between top and bottom and Dom and sub; it is very enlightening and something that I can explore further.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

....

My issue is that I have virtually no experience with anything, sexual or otherwise. As in, the furthest I've ever gone is second base. I'm not sure if BDSM is something I should look into or if I should instead try and meet other people and get a little experience of regular vanilla first. I would greatly appreciate some advice on how to find someone close to my age who is also interested in the lifestyle but also interested in building a relationship first before moving into a sexual component.

I'm sorry if this post comes off as naive and uninformed, but I'm trying to keep my head up in a very deep pool full of mystery and possibilities.

Thanks.

~Lilly

The underlined portion of your initial post goes a long way toward answering the bolded portion, IMNSHO. At 20, you (should) have a *long* time to discover what you want and need from your interpersonal relationship(s), and what you want and need in your sex life, particularly since your physical experience is limited (in comparison with someone like myself, who is three times your age). Some of our wiser regular posters here would likely suggest that you go about meeting and building relationships as friends, then perhaps as lovers, and then perhaps as partners in some aspect of the BDSM spectrum. They can *say* that better than I have here, too, and I'll only blame a little bit of that on my age and physical condition

I would also suggest that you read some of the stories in Lit's BDSM section, with a strong caveat that about 99.44% of those stories are fantasies, and have little relation to real-life BDSM activities. However, in reading them, you can sometimes find particular activities described that make you need to keep a tissue nearby to wipe the perspiration from your brow Keep a mental (or even literal) list of those things.

Check out Fetlife.com, a free online worldwide community, much of which is broken down geographically, and includes listings for area groups, including Next Gen groups for people who range from barely legal to early- to mid-30s. When you decide to meet with folks in real life, many groups hold regular munches, an opportunity to meet members in a safe place, usually with little or no fetish wear, etc., where members discuss future activities and opportunities to learn more.

You could also Google "BDSM checklist" (without the quotes, of course!) and do the same thing. If you're really in a research modus, Google anything in the checklist that you draw a complete blank on. If you're the CDO (an obsessive-compulsive's acronym for OCD) type, keep a blank copy of that checklist and fill it out again in five years or so and see what a difference a little time and experience can make!

Good luck to you in your search, and welcome to BDSM Talk (and the Café, Talk's lighter-hearted sibling!). Please feel free to post about any concerns, issues, or problems you have. There are some really really bright people here who have been a part of the BDSM culture, either just in their own lives or in their own lives and as part of organized groups, for years and in some cases decades, who are happy to share their experiences and knowledge.

 

[CutieMouse]

My standard advice is boring as hell, but (IMO) important.

Know yourself.

It sounds like you're thinking in terms of relationships... when you think of a BDSM relationship, what does it look like? Are you the decision maker, or is someone else? If you're in control, what aspects of that make you squirm (in a good way)? If someone else is in control, A) why do they deserve to call the shots and B) what is it about them calling the shots that makes you squirm (in a good way)? Do you *need* a relationship to figure this stuff out, or are you comfortable experimenting outside of a relationship? What do you need to feel good (ignoring any sort of BDSM steriotypes)? Are you strong enough to know a good fit from an asshat, and if you are dealing with an asshat, are you a self-individualized enough person to hold your ground/walk away?

Relationships are relationships. Strong relationships (again, IMO) start with strong individuals... Power dynamics be damned.

 

[BrightlyGo]

You should not feel the need to go vanilla first, vanilla relationships are as fraught with peril as kinky ones. Be sure of yourself and your partner before you consent to anything and remember that consent is revocable.

As far as finding someone goes: do the things you like (or believe in) and be open minded about the people you meet doing them and you just might find somebody you could build a relationship with.

 

[Dyslexicea]

I can't give you better advice then CutieMouse did. You really do need to know yourself, you also need to know MEN, I'm assuming your hetero.

I also want to point out you've read BDSM stories, like Sir Winston said they aren't real, they're written to titillate, arouse and excite lustful thoughts. It all sounds great on paper.

I'm kinky but I was kinky long before I became involved in BDSM, I dare say I'm kinkier than most who post here, even my very first job was kinky, at least most would say it was kinky, some maybe degrading. My point is what some here call vanilla because it's not BDSM, isn't vanilla at all.

It seems to me you need to explore, first if you haven't done so your own body, if you don't know what works for you how can you expect another to know. When you are comfortable with someone explore sex, find out what you like, what you don't about partnered sex. Remember men aren't always that great at giving you what you need, in my opinion they're way to penis centered, sometimes you have to be demanding. In somewhat of defense of men there are women who care little about fulfilling the needs of their partners being only concerned with their own needs.

As far as relationships goes don't feel you have to be in love to have sex and don't ever think because you were sexual with someone you're in love with them. To many bad marriages are based on lust not love and I assure you lust disappears quickly in a bad relationship.

I can't tell you when you should explore BDSM, or even if you should but I think you first need to know yourself, including your sexual self.

Please no matter what you do, do practice safe sex.

 

[collector_guide]

I think the most important thing is you're learning to ask questions about, instead of allowing yourself to be too shy, or assume things, or believe only one source. Being in bdsm is like any skill/hobby/artform; it takes development.

Things like fetlife or local munches can be useful, but don't underestimate finding well put together, open minded guy in a vanilla relationship, then explaining to him when the connection is deep enough that you are a submissive,what that means and why it is important to you.

Also talk to other submissives you can learn from and pick their brains, my wife had submissive mentors and friends that helped her a lot.

Good luck!

 

[Dyslexicea]

I think the most important thing is you're learning to ask questions about, instead of allowing yourself to be too shy, or assume things, or believe only one source. Being in bdsm is like any skill/hobby/artform; it takes development.

Things like fetlife or local munches can be useful, but don't underestimate finding well put together, open minded guy in a vanilla relationship, then explaining to him when the connection is deep enough that you are a submissive,what that means and why it is important to you.

Also talk to other submissives you can learn from and pick their brains, my wife had submissive mentors and friends that helped her a lot.

Good luck!

Why do you assume she's submissive just because she's a woman? Rather misogynistic attitude or at the very least chauvinistic.

 

[Primalex]

I'm not sure if BDSM is something I should look into or if I should instead try and meet other people and get a little experience of regular vanilla first.

I really don't get why humans try to treat other humans like..cars.

Color? Check.
Parking assistant? Check.
Horsepower? Check.

Leave the computer. Then you already leap into real life. Talk with people. If you like someone, talk more or ...date! Usually things evolve more or less automatically if people like each other.

Your position at the moment is like:"I want two kids in 10 years. Oh my god, how do I prevent to meet a guy who only wants one?"

The other questions along the line:"Should I have sex just to have had sex? Does having vanilla sex make me a better person? ...?" Having sex for the sake of having sex instead of having fun is rather absurd.

 

[Primalex]

You really do need to know yourself, you also need to know MEN, I'm assuming your hetero.

No offense, but that's about as useful as telling a teenager to drink responsibly.

 

[Dyslexicea]

No offense, but that's about as useful as telling a teenager to drink responsibly.

If she just reads post here, your posts included, she'll realize she really does need to know men and at least some types she needs to avoid.

When I was 20 I knew myself well, I knew what I wanted out of life, what I needed to do to get there. I also knew men and I knew there were very few worth keeping.

 

[PBKgirl]

No offense, but that's about as useful as telling a teenager to drink responsibly.

Heh. I agree- Absolutely true!!!!

 

[Netzach]

When I was 20 I didn't "know shit about dick!" as we're fond of saying around my house.

Honestly? You'll figure stuff out, you'll hurt and get hurt and you'll probably wind up not being married forevs to the first person you fall in love with seriously - and that's usually a GOOD thing not bad, though it feels like the end of the known world at the time. It's about discovery.

Use rubbers religiously and keep yourself as safe as possible, and focus on being with people who respect your boundaries. Talk talk talk about sex, get good at doing this, get comfortable doing this. Look for compatibility - even in fuck buddies if you want them, and you get there by feeling one another out and talking.

The rest is hard knocks and learning and there's no advice that can change that.