Nope, not me!! It's not me, nope, nuh-uh!!LoL - hell I dunno what's worse, the fact that I sent it, or that it got sent to another Lit Memberand of course now there's another Litster who only hopes that I have some more epic auto corrects so she might have a laugh at my expense
I swear SD has the best auto fails!!!!!!!!!! Shared this the other day on the texting thread - yep courtesy yours truly
One of my epic fails w/ auto correct
LoL - hell I dunno what's worse, the fact that I sent it, or that it got sent to another Lit Member
I can't help it!!!!!!!!!!! lol
That was funny...ughhh laughing hurts me tho -but omg it was funny
This is not original and you've probably seen it before but it gives me a laugh whenever I read it. Cat owners will identify...
Feel better soon...
How To Give A Cat A Pill
1. Pick cat up, cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from yard.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap.
7. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink a beer to take taste away. Clean up spouse's blood from carpet.
8. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with desert spoon. Flick pill down throat with rubber band.
9. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Fetch bottle of scotch. Drink a shot. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee shirt away.
10. Call fire department to retrieve the friggin' cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
11. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table. Find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
12. Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
13. Arrange for Humane Society to collect mutant cat from Hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters..
HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL:
1. Wrap it in bacon.
DONE!
two cannibals were eating a clown. the one turns to the other and says 'does this taste funny to you?'
Too funnyA teacher asks her class of 10 yr olds a question,"If there are 5 birds sitting on a wire and I shoot 2 of them, how many birds are left?"
Johnny quickly throws his hand up, waving it frantically. The teacher isn't sure if she wants Johnny to answer, but allows him to. "None, teacher."
"That's wrong Johnny, try again." Now she holds her hand up and uses her fingers to show him. "There are 5 birds on a wire and if I shoot 2, how many are left?" dropping 2 fingers and holding up 3.
"None, teacher." Johnny says proudly.
"Why do you say none, Johnny, when I still have fingers up?" she asks.
"Well, if you shoot 2 birds teacher, the other ones will fly away and there are none left." he tells her.
"Well, that is true, Your answer is wrong, but I like the way you think."
5 minutes before the end of class, Johnny raises his hand again.
"Yes Johnny, what is is?" she asks him.
"Question for you, teacher." he tells her.
"Ok, what is it?" she replies.
"There are 3 women sitting on a bench with ice cream cones. One is licking, one is sucking and one is biting. Which one is married?" he asks her.
The teacher is stunned by the question, but the class is eager to know the answer. She keeps hesitating, hoping the class will end and she won't have to answer it.
"C'mon teacher, tell me your answer." Johnny prods her.
The teacher thinks quickly and says, "The one who is sucking it."
Johnny smiles and shakes his head, "That's wrong teacher. It's the one with the wedding ring, but I like the way you think."
